1 - Jun 14th, I wake late during the night,
2 - my body is shaking head to toe, i am so cold.
3 - From my left eye, I shed a tear,
4 - it slithers from my eye, down my cheek.
5 - I take a breath and close my room door.
6 - A mouth full of pills until they entire my bloodstream.

6 - What can I say, this was my original scheme.
1 - The darkness diminishes the light.
5 - There is a bed, but I lay on the floor.
2 - My heart is heavy and it burns me cold,
4 - I feel my body slowly shutting down, becoming weak.
3 - There is no going back now, the damage will be severe.

3 - My ceiling fan spins round and round like a sphere.
6 - This is because of my low self esteem.
4 - Sorry mom, this is not a game of hide-and-go-seek.
1 - In the morning when you wake please bear your sight.
2 - Drugs take action, they have me controlled,
5 - my whole life I have been hurt and sore.

5 - Time is running out, one, two, three, four.
3 - Half hour passes and now I begin to fear,
2 - you would never guess this is how i really feel, it’s untold.
6 - I've lived my whole life in my head; a daydream.
1 - Remember I did this to myself, out of spite.
4 - Maybe it’s because my whole life I've been called a freak.

4 - Never did I fit in, my dad called me unique.
5 - I reach for my cellphone in my dresser drawer,
1 - my body collapses and I know its too late, I'm not alright.
3 - Eyes closed shut but all i see is black appear.
6 - My body has gone into shock, I am unable to scream.
2 - The pills run though my body and shape me like a mold.

2 - An entire hour is gone, now I am no longer in control.
4 - The voices in my head softly being to speak.
6 - I mouth, ‘Mr. Sandman bring me a dream.’
5 - My body has shut down, my heart has no beat anymore.
3 - And just as I simply did not exist before I was born here,
1 - I will not exist after death strips away my meaning, just as air puts out a candlelight.

25 - I am no longer in control, I do not exist anymore.
43 - My mother is beside me, she mumbles to speak, ‘stay, wake, do not leave me here’
61 - Life is a dream that flashes before your eyes, like blowing out a candlelight.

Lex Rudyk

Death to these feelings-
and death to this night, for it
doesn't seem to end

7:39 PM
23/8/19

clutching your shirt,
as i melt away
through droplets on your arm
that’s just out of reach...

I'm tired of the pain,
all the love I've given in vane.
I have my flaws, I've made my mistake.
but here I am with a heart that breaks.

I'm tired of the fire,
the ash in my heart is dire.
It's such a shame for my love to go to waste,
In a cage of thorns my heart is placed.

I'm tired of caring,
our love was daring.
I've forced a smile,
through all of this trial.

I'm tired of the tears,
I'll lock them away for years.
With a crooked crown here I sit,
upon my throne my broken heart will split.

The shadow has lifted
releasing the light of life-
my soul is freed from darkness.
I feel alive again,
now my only fear is
until when?

it envelopes me
like the ocean,
i sink slowly,
it's dark
and becomes darker
until everything is black,
my face is wet,
it tastes like this ocean,
my eyes close
as the darkness grabs me
and clings to me
and whispers to me,
i am nothing
and i am sorry,
it drags me deeper
until i am no more,
it's dark,
but this ocean feels so warm
around me

She said I was loved
I said that you don't know me
or what I have done

9:16 PM
27/7/19

there's a reason for all the midnight cigarette breaks in the fire escape while hoping my mom won't smell the smoke. there's a reason for every uneven haircut; products of sleeplessness or stagnation or something i no longer understand. there's a reason for the paperbags of dysphoria and cheap bourbons lying untouched beneath my bed, and for the days when my bed felt like home and home meant emptiness and emptiness was preferable to my favorite song or to the scent of the beach. there's a reason for letting go of all the obvious lifelines and deliberately sinking into this disarray of black holes. but you breathe marigolds and sunlight dipped in bottled petrichors

and tonight, i no longer know how to translate my storms into a weather you can understand.