you call out my name
when my knees are on the ground
when colour disappears
when hope turns into nonexistence

you call out my name
when you know that i am weak
when you know that i've got nobody
when you know that i'm alone

it's my  name you speak
when the darkness comes again
when rain falls from clear blue skies
when the warmth has gone

it's my name you speak
as i grow sicker
as i throw away my pills
as i cry myself to sleep once again

you're who i turn to
when light is but a memory
when words fail to soothe
and the days drag on

you're who i turn to
in my darkest hours, and when i am fine
before i even try
and when i've given up yet again

yours is the name i whisper
when people asks whats to blame
when they ask what helps
when they ask me what i want to stop

you're the one
i'll never give up
i'll never stop hating
the one that defines me

Self Harm
you're the one
i will always
need.

My lover is (relax... Breathe)
the black rage
That dwells
In my stomach's pit (breathe. Keep it in)

My lover takes (my breath away)
My love
But can't
Return it (won't)

My lover is (the breath)
The ache, (in my lungs)
The pain (letting me know)
That screams from my soul (I am alive)

My lover gave (me air)
My life to me.
Life is not lived
Without breathing
(Breathe in....
Sigh.... You're here.
Now... I can
Breathe)

Trying to flee but tripping,
On the clothes he leaves
Strewn about my bedroom floor.
Reminders of how he drags me in.
Over and over.

Sipping on air he steals
From these lungs.
He coils himself around me,
Hands enclosed around my throat.
Begging me, pleading, stay.

Five more moments, he whispers
sweetly, softly into my hair.
But his words cut like razors
on the soles of these feet,
as I tiptoe from the bed.

He does not force this poison
Past these lips. But oh,
How easy it is to ignore him
At the bottom of a bottle,
At the end of a cigarette.

These paper thin limbs,
flimsy without him now.
I cannot slam doors,
On someone who is forever
Stood on my side of the frame.

I, his melancholy mistress,
Am comfortable only
In the dark shadows he casts,
When his cold arms
Are encircling my waist.

If I drop him,
Surely my own heart of glass
Must shatter?
Tell me, how can I ever look upon a mirror
If he is not there to crack my reflection.

I don’t know what I would do
without your lips tracing those clustered purple lines
and your eyes telling me I’m beautiful anyway.
Without your hand on my swollen head
when I let eighteen years of **** burst onto that
plaid button-up I love so much.
Without your crude sense of humor making me laugh
until my ribs threaten to crack
and a snort escapes
(I don’t know how you think that’s cute)
And your professions and confessions that fill
my heart in ways I don’t understand but simply
can’t get enough of.
Without your being heating the back of mine
while I plant light kisses on your every finger
and that smile that gives away the lie
when you say you don’t like it.
Without those green eyes creating sparks in my soul
(Who knew I could house such a blaze?)
Without your jigsaw mastery
when I drop the puzzle and lose all the pieces.
I don’t know what I would do
without you.

in order to make it home safely,
i need to reach the end of this hallway.

in order for me to move forward,
i need to reach the end of this hallway.

in order for me to become a better person,
i need to reach the end of this hallway.

in order for me to understand myself,
i need to reach the end of this hallway.

in order for me to do just about anything, really,
i need to reach the end of this hallway.

but i never do.
in fact, the most i've ever managed
is just a few steps
before i freeze in my tracks, unable to keep going.

it confused me at first,
but like anything else in life,
all i had to do was connect the dots
to realize why i always get stuck there.

if only you'd move.
if only you wouldn't take residence
at the end of this hallway,
staring at me quietly from the opposite side.
if only you'd turn around,
even if just for a moment,
so that i might dash forth before you look at me again,
as if it were a game of "red light, green light."

but you don't.

you never move.
you never turn around.
you simply observe me from afar,
waiting for the day where i'll be able to move
forward
on my own
even in your presence.

sorry to say, but
i'm not quite sure when
or if
that day will ever come.

All I want to do right now
Is toss myself onto the street
With my bottle of *****

I know for sure
the spinning of a tire
against my spine
would feel better

Than to keep thinking
of you losing the slight
infatuation you have for me
and you wanting
someone else.