The Monster Within

The beast lurks within my chest ******* out the rest

The remaining parts that makes me, me

The teeth of the beast, pierces my heart

I try to heal as the pain pours out

I hold my screams, fearing redemption from the beast

Been with me for so long it feels right....
This pain, is all I feel, sometimes all I need, sometimes this pain makes me feel like me again, because I can feel again

Instead of being an empty shell

When I was 5
My biggest fear was fire
And my biggest worry was if I had to go inside too early
The outside was an endless ground for games of all sorts
From war to hide and seek
We would play until the sun set
And the streetlights shined bright
My friends lived within seconds
We'd knock on one another's door multiple times
Until we could all come out and play

When I was 10
My biggest fear was a person
Tormenting me, screaming
and striking me until I'd break
I still feared fire but not because of dying
Simply because i knew it might not **** me
My biggest worry was having to wake up
Having to live another day in that house
Such a beautiful outside
The perfect hand-crafted family home
But that shell only hid horrific events within the fractured walls
I had no friends to save my sanity
Rotting from the inside out
A loving, child's heart demented and torn
Tattered and choked until every ounce of trust and happiness leaked out
I tried to go outside again but nature could only help me for so long
Before I returned to the nightmare that was my reality

When I was 15
I feared being alone
My hell had no ending
And my biggest worry was someone noticing the scars
traced along my body
It wouldn't matter if I cut too deep
If blood poured out and pooled beneath me
Both pain and death would solve the problem accordingly
I stayed inside
What was left of my imagination focused on either dying
Or on running far far away
My brain drowned in empty hopelessness
I gave up on the world and lost faith in everything
My savior appeared but not even she could **** the demons plaguing my mind

At 18 I left home
My biggest fear was returning again
My biggest worry was not ever being ok
Because I may had left the origin of evil
But it did not change what was in my head
The demons followed me everywhere
Stalking and striking at any hour
Draining me of hope and energy
Then I met my first love
A beautiful girl with gorgeous sapphire eyes
But she hid a dark soul beneath the beauty and I soon learned the dangers of loving your demons
At first she understood me,
Helped me through my addiction to the knife
But as quickly as she came, she changed into someone I feared
Because I knew I could never leave her
She possessed my heart so tightly within her poisonous grasp
Ripping it clear out of my chest
I feared I would ruin something again and end up alone
And one day she decided that I was no longer enough
That my entire being could not suffice to satisfy her sadistic needs
She drowned my heart for 6 months,
Shattering it completely 2 times
Before deciding to leave
But that love was built on *** and deceit
And though she claimed to love me
The searing pain coursing through my entire body
Was finally enough for me to see that
she did not know how to love

Now that I'm almost 20
My biggest fear is hurting my friends and family
Because I still never know when I could snap
My biggest worries are not making enough
Money for my life
Time for my friends
And love for my family
The universe has sent me a precious gift
Someone who knows love enough to share it with me
And though I'm still broken
Her beautiful heart helps mend my broken soul
With love and understanding
We have conquered over 7 months together
But I know she could still leave
This time the twisted beginning began from me
I broke her heart before I knew she gave it to me
And I know deep down she still resents me
But I deserve it
And she's worth it

Most days I know not who I am
Society labels me a 'girl'
But inside I know that's not me
I'm nothing,
A gender less, label less freak
And **** it hurts so bad
When they misgender me
Though I'm still too afraid to correct them
It's as though they twist a knife through my organs
Whenever they say 'she'
Who knew three letters
Could bring so much pain to me
Though I put the blade away, I turned to flames
Burning the nicotine into my lungs
Still begging not to wake up
Still thinking of death every day
Sometimes locking it out
And others inviting it in willingly
I guess Adulthood really hasn't changed a thing
I work until I can't stand it
But still cannot sleep
The depression burns more intense some days
But unlike everyone else in my life
*It never truly leaves

How? How are you able to understand everything I'm feeling. I give you no information and yet you are still able to see through me. How the hell are you able to look past my smile? You understand that you are my last chance at getting fixed. You know how dead I am inside, and yet you still try to help. I don't understand you. I don't. But sure as hell want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Misunderstandings
can be such a threat.
Broken hearted girl
why'd you think like that?
Now your tears will overflow
"Life can be such overdose.."
You should shove it
all behind you, I suppose.
Stop wishing to fall into a
comatose.
Just hit your head already.
No one will miss you
you're too unsteady.

So i look in the mirror and wonder if this is the end.
I think of my life, my family, and a dead friend.
In my mind I see him smiling his face so bright.
Him laying down his head gently, sleeping soundly every night.
But alas he is gone never to return.
His memories burned but not stored in any urn.
I look in the same mirror as my eyes fill with tears.
I think about my dreams, and my unnecessary fears.
My dead friend had fears too, though much more logical than mine.
Unlike me he wasn't scared all the time.
He wasn't scared for his life, he didn't have to run.
He joy was everlasting, trampled by none.
But i wasn't jealous as i was happy too.
We were always looking for a new adventure, thinking what to do.
One last time i look in the mirror, and think of all he couldn't be.
But then i remember, that dead friend, it's me.

being dead inside is a paradox.
a contradiction. polar opposites.
you feel nothing at all, but at the same time you're feeling something.
there are no intense emotions yet, feeling so dead inside is an intense emotion in itself.
you're comforted by the fact that you won't feel any bad emotions but
at the same time, you're dissatisfied because you won't feel any good emotions either.
being dead inside is great when your lover leaves you, when your friend dies, when everything comes crumbling down at once ... because you won't feel it as much.
being dead inside is terrible when your lover tries to kiss you, when your friend invites you on a vacation, when everything starts coming together ... because you won't feel it as much either.

I'm not dying
That happened a long time ago
I've just pretended that I'm alive
While I'm just a marionette in this puppet show

Everything, she let
To break her inside
Just let her heart to feel the pain
And let herself know that it still beats

Looking around for the pieces, she lost
Somewhere far, or further
But still, she has not found them yet

Everything, she let
To break her apart
Just to let herself know that she still is alive yet is dead inside