I shot myself in the stomach with the memory of you telling me all about Guardians of the Galaxy when I saw the broken DVD case sitting on my counter next to a coffee ring I forgot to wipe up this morning.
My lip is bitten through and through with memories that shake my head because they're too loud and bright to stick inside and they need to be out and breathe.
But I try so hard to keep my buttons closed all day, try so hard to hold myself together but I'm a puzzle with a missing piece and sometimes that shows up when people take away the coaster I put over my left corner and wonder where the tip of the sail is and I have to tell them I lost it years ago.
But you always ******* hated puzzles, and loved ******* puzzles like me who would give you anything you asked for because back then I had all my pieces and a syrupy desire to be yours and yours only forever, sipping on coffee with too-much cream in the early morning hours, wrapped in you, with your heartbeat singing familiar patterns in my ear.
And my birthday's in two weeks but all I feel is a narrow candle of hope in the back of my mind that maybe you'll think to call, maybe I'll open my doors to find you with a smile and a can of whipped cream, and even Reese's peanut butter cups (my favorite but the irony always was you had a peanut allergy.)
For now my bed is too small to hold all these memories, but, honey, it always had room for you. My mind clings to song lyrics, oxygen, because they hint that someone someday felt what I feel now, what I have felt for months. The snow globe you gave me that one time is broken in shards of everything you promised me and our last kiss, and it lays on my bedroom floor in case you ever come back and I have reason to piece it back together.
But when I see you this Sunday for mass as usual, you won't know any of this.