today marks 8 years
since i heard the news,
6 years since
we started walking askew
and only a few marking
the painful years i put us through-
for i always said sorry
i always said i loved you,
but what i meant was
“please don’t forget me and the words i let loose,
because i don’t know what love is,
i don’t think i ever knew,
because November 22nd,
my dad left the house, my mom left too
to find a comforting bed
in a house brand new
with a new naked body
a new silhouetted view,
and i sat here wondering-
‘They said they loved me,
Does love leave you too!’”







so it doesn’t surprise me that i couldn’t hold up to any pauses
any breaks
any time alone
any detachment
any moment of somber tones
and i clung to you
like you were the last love i’d ever know
like your words were their empty promises
that everything would be ok, that i would like living in 2 homes

- but here i am 8 years later,
thinking that i’m over it all
thinking that i can learn from my past,
but the fear and tears still grip my face
knowing that the lingering hurt will always last-

You do look a little bit older
than you used to

these days;

your youthful visage
a tad thumbed by turning many page:

but despite the so called age process
you still simply merry everything with the fantastic of elan:
oh what a guy,
oh, what a man!

What was the last thing we did
together?
as a family?

I genuinely can't remember
and it breaks my heart
like our broken family.

Was it baseball on the television
sitting together in the living room?
Was it dinner at the table - no
it's been years since we've done that.


Come to think about it,
maybe TV dinners were the wedge.

Dad traveled for work
every week we'd see him 2 days.
Mom got her masters
and ran the house, working full-time.
I... I was too lost in the tidal wave of high school
too blind to see what was happening. Until-

Freshman year of college I felt it. Without me
there was nothing to reconcile mom
as she fell out of love and into independence.
Plus dad was out of work and at home, of course
that only caused the boiling *** to overflow. Now-

Dad's all alone
         and
Mom took the cat
         and
I'm living 9 hours away from both

the house goes on the market in January
but mom moves out in December
and in January I need to apartment sit the cat
while mom travels for work

I feel low and blue
Without you
You would tuck me in
And kiss me goodnight
But why do you always have to fight
And always be right
Like the monster under my bed
And I remember when you said
I miss you
But I told you that it wasn’t true
And now I think that maybe
I miss you too

The car flips.

Over the railing--
Down the side of a grassy hill with hidden rocks.
I let go.
Arms up like roller-coaster fun.

Glass flies through the air;
It's perfect.
The light reflecting angelically.

7 year old sister still laughing--
Baby brother with a gap toothed smile.
Mother soars through the windshield;
Finally free.
Dad hits his head against the dashboard, and seems not to mind.
Our family blood mixes together;
Staining everything it touches.

The radio sings the latest haunting pop song.
We bicker over what station to change it to.

The car stays rolling, and with arms up.
Like good ole' fashioned family fun.

One foot
Two foot
One foot back

Walking down the isle for the wrong occasion
Take my place in line in the precession

Until now you were holding it together
I'm next in line-- eyes lock on eachother
Face to face and I can mutter
is "I'm sorry about your father".

Break down in front of the alter
Time is still as we cling to one another
The same church we grew up in together
Familiar yet strange to remember




When the world's to big for you
split it down the middle
We can bear this load
Together we'll see it through

Hi Dad,
              I don’t know if you can read Facebook posts in heaven. I hope you can. Or can feel this on a spiritual level or something like that. It’s your birthday tomorrow. You are or would be 60. I’m not sure how it works once you’ve passed on. I love you. I know I didn’t say it enough. But I love you so much. And I miss you. Happy birthday. I want to call and leave a voicemail singing to you. Or you pick up and I sing to you. I hope you’re eating something awesome in heaven to celebrate. Like our favorite linguini with clam sauce, or some spicy wings or a juicy cheeseburger, perhaps some authentic Chicago Giordano’s deep dish pizza. I miss you a lot. I miss your dad jokes. I miss when I was little and you would comfort me. I miss when I was sick at school and you would come pick me up and we would walk somewhere and get really good snacks and Twix ice cream bars and go to the park because I wasn’t really sick....I just knew you were off and I wanted to spend time with you. I took everything for granted and I’m so sorry. Happy birthday. If you knew my father you know he was the funniest man in the whole room and his laugh, just like mine, was so contagious. His smile, it lit a place up. I hope you are proud of me. I am trying really hard to be better than I have been. I hope you visit me in my dreams. I hope you’re celebrating. I just hope you don’t feel pain. I love you. Happy birthday dad.

                                            -“Face”