Today
today I struggled with old feelings
I saw what I use to want
although with me,
was want I want now

so

Tonight
tonight I struggle with mixed emotion
between the then and the now
I will choose the now
but I can never forget the then

Broken window
I’m the stone she put through the glass
Of her own room
I will not default on my blame
But what of the hand I was rested in
Ever so innocent
Weighing on broken shoulders of guilt
Fractured to shards
And the stone prays for miracles
May she learn, unharmed

Pull the strings,
then release.
Feel the vibrations;
face the music.

Pull the trigger,
then release.
Feel the vibrations;
face the music.

Press the button,
then release.
Feel the vibrations;
face the music.

Press on in prayer,
then release.
Feel the vibrations;
face the music.

For with every move
there is vibration;
a sound that
makes music.

For with every action
comes consequence.
Pull the strings,
face the music.

You smiled as you cut me,
convincing me it was for my own good.

As I bled you smiled,
and queried my current state.

I panicked and cried,
as I saw it seep through my shirt.

I begged for help,
for anything to make it stop.

You looked upon me,
faked pity in your eyes.

‘I wish I could do something to help’,
you could have considered the consequences.

If you knew the landing were made of swords,
Would you jump?

If you saw the bridge collapse, descending to the deep,
Would you follow?

If you had to rewatch your life at heavens gate,
Would you regret?

If you knew my touch were poison,
Would you accept it?

If you knew your actions had consequences,
Would you lie with him again?

Then why do you return to me,
And fall down on your knees
Begging for what I cannot give

If you knew I'd say the same,
Scream at you to leave,
Would you go back and treat me that way again?

To the girl I wrote the song for:

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said what I did over the February break. Sometimes too much truth is just as deadly as one lie. And maybe that's what shot your silence across the ocean.

Even though you told me I shouldn't be sorry for the way I did things, I will continue to to apologize for everything I did. And if I have one request for your next decision, I can only hope that you don't hate me.

Because I can't forgive myself for what happened.

To the girl who watches TV with me:

I'm sorry.

My impulsive behaviour on that March night was my fault.
I knew what I was doing, I knew people would get hurt, and I did it anyway.

I will admit, the rush was not the worst thing in the world. But it came with too many consequences.

So please, with every episode of a TV show that we both enjoy, just remember that we will never be what we were.

...And I will never let you be sorry.

To my brother:

I'm sorry.

You were the first person to find out what happened and I asked you to keep me safe by keeping my secrets in your chest. I prayed you wouldn't let the words fall from your heart, I begged you not to tell our parents.
I shouldn't have put that kind of weight on your conscience.

To my parents:

I'm sorry.

Telling you what happened was the hardest thing for me to do. But I can only hope that I haven't lost all of your trust because of what happened.

To the bodyguard:

I'm sorry.

Actually.... you are the person I really don't want to apologize to. But I am still sorry.

Mostly for my actions and because what I did hurts the person you love most, and that I can accept that as my fault. I know somewhere in your soul, you hate me. And that's something you and I have in common.

But I can live with you never forgiving me. Because you are just here to protect the people you love. And I am sorry I threatened your comfortable life. I didn't plan on hurting anyone... but I did.

Just promise me this:

Be good to her.

Because if you don't do that...
Then what the hell are you doing?

To myself:

I cannot be sorry for you.

I can promise you that these next few days will be some of the most painful. And to a point, I am too much of a ******* to care. You will want to punch brick walls and bleed for your mistakes. You will want a perfect stranger to beat you close to death and walk away like it's no big deal.

You will want to apologize every single day until you blow out your vocal chords. *You will want to suffer.

But you will not cry.
You will believe that crying is not worth it.
You will choose to be silent, you will choose to become numb to all of your pain. And I will not be sorry for you.

I will never be sorry for you.

But I will tell you that you are not going to feel this forever.
So do me a favour and walk.
Walk with your regrets and live on.
Work for your trust back, and maybe then you'll have a chance to start over.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

too long your lips have stared
into the body of my thoughts,
studying the patterns
and the features,
deciphering the blueprints,
my irrational being

...those petals,
their textures burning in the color,
popping out like embers, fed
every regulated breath

you are compelled
to lick away the dryness,
wipe the prints and traces,
put out the flames covertly...
but make it look casual:
you cannot be caught spying;
or the government of words
denies everything,
severing the strings,
abandoning its secret desire
behind enemy lines,
to be captured, questioned,
and tortured
by your very own
collaborationist conscience

You and me set out to sea to chase the setting sun --
But it set too soon, so we caught the moon
(Still a great prize to be won).
Though, it changed the rhythm of the tides,
And all the waves they churned.
It came that you and me soon learned
We never could return.