words fill her up
in a way
people never could

Your first mistake was assuming you were crazier than me
My mistake was hoping her crazy was my crazy
Her smile reminded me of someone, should’ve scared me, but it didn’t
And why did she keep throwing it my way?
I was two years younger, nothing special, and she was married…
She’d wear these broken eyes of cracked amber that reflected the Sun
Pull you inside to cold, moonless nights
She gave just enough to miss it, just enough to want more
A simple drop, a tease on the tongue
She was small, but far from delicate
Young, but far from innocent
A stolen kiss is the sweetest thing
A secret show is even more exciting when he’s not home
I watched at first, too drunk to move, as she danced with her dog,
Surrounding her was this aura, this bubble of innocence
A little girl playing with her fur child
Until she caught me spying on her, and a devilish smile gave me chills
I always fall for the forbidden ones, don’t I?
She was on top of me faster than I could say adultery
But she waited until we were both naked before threatening my silence
That night in itself was an adventure, but it was just beginning
One night in drunken lust turned to weekly bedroom confessions
An unhappy marriage, an unhappy home
I’ll show you my scars if you stop parading yours
“Darling, I’m too broken for you to mend.”
So we started spilling war stories
And you offered me the job of being your secret boy toy
Well weren’t you full of broken promises
She was my perfect type of crazy, I just wasn’t hers
You know the truth deep down. You and me?
We were over due for a catastrophe
******* wasn’t the danger, feeling was the danger
Our fist kiss was soaked in tears, it was one of the happier nights then
All I felt was separated from everyone else, and you made me feel less alone
But it was just something you said out loud to feel less like a criminal
“You know sometimes I don’t think you really care about me.”
Why should I? When I needed you, you weren’t
I was your convenient escape, you were the one that always ran away
You were never happy with your life, but you were too afraid to live any way else
“She’s putting on that make up for somebody, and it isn’t you.”
Two people knew of our rendezvous, and they called me so stupid
And they were right, as I was always wrong
Oh, you really care about me? Want me to be happy?
“He’s posting songs about suicide again…
should one of us go check on our ‘friend’?”
your late night charity work only made my situation worse
“If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always here”
STOP THE PRESSES! SHE HAS FEELINGS!
*******.
I think she got enough mistakes out of me
She’d already had her fill before she met me
Then I realized, it was always gonna end badly
Your spewed venom’s incredibly undesired,
But Hell knows its nothing short of reasonable
For the second time, I was at your mercy for my mistakes
The one thing I swore I wouldn’t do again
Turn around and run to you
How about something for the effort?
A little consolation prize for all we’ve been through?
Your lopsided thoughts keep me up at night
Your hypocrisy blows my mind, I’ve known some shady nymphos
But you, sweetie baby? You take the cake
Oh faithless, furious fortune, what did I do to deserve this?
Now you see why I have trust issues
I’m so glad it didn’t work, for once I didn’t have to learn the hard way
Life just pulled me aside and said, “Nope, not her.”
I realized, she doesn’t deserve that many pages in my story
She’ll always be there, no matter how much I hide it
The ink will always run deep.
Feel free to blame me for the rest of your life, you already do,
And I’ll be your excuse, it was all my fault all along
But you and I will know the truth, I will take it to my grave
Now you’re one of my good memories, which is all kinds of ****** up
But she’s gone, and I’m better for it
She only belongs in those early chapters
The epilogue is for me, and the next book after that
Sometimes, holding on does more damage than letting go

Dim down the lights
This way you won't have to see me cry
Turn my body around
My eyes will tell you stories you can't bear to hear
And do ignore me in the morning
I am so dreadfully loud
But am I okay?
Are you alright?
Never again did those words fall
Dripping with honey
Sticky with longing
Down from your lips
To kiss my porcelain skin
Never again did you care
I remember so vividly
The turning of the tides
It came flooding, that Autumn rainfall
And all that was left for us to do
All we did
All we managed

Was drown.

Truth is not beautiful
When spoken without thought
This was not a treasure chest
I held the key for
Rather one I found propped open
It was not earned
Nor mine to claim
Yet I find myself filling my pockets
With the trinkets and gold
That come tumbling out of your mouth
Ground between teeth
Leaving your speech unintelligible
I will bury this beneath my own treasure
Leaving a map for you
To never use

as if he knew
the peculiar pictures
behind my eyelids,
sleepless in sleep, ******* bruises
so bittersweet
to dream of you still
i hate you so much
and not at all, all at once

never trust him again
and he... he still misses me
he trusted me—he TRUSTS me
he trusts my steady quiet and
my shaking hands and
this and that of me
i missed him, i think
maybe, distractedly
but not really

only in a lie
and a liar isn’t me but
he makes me speak them so
since my honesty would hurt him
earnest and afraid, my admission:
i do not want to touch
his emotions
and so to curb the awkward truth
i missed him
and none the wiser

At the edge of the wood
And draw maps of what we believe
Our anatomies will look like
Before and after the war

Our relationship, our rendezvous, began more innocent than most,
We were teenagers, we were harmless, nothing sinister about us
Just looking for a way to break the boredom
It began before we were capable of such sinister selfish thought
Before she was looking for something more dangerous
Before I was looking for another easy exit
There were moments where my intentions were less than honorable
Yet little ever came from it
Even then I understood control, understood direction
Our would be sins were regrettable, never forgettable
I warned you from the beginning, I was something a little different
A troubled boy with a troubled past,
A damaged heart, leftover by a damaged girl
She was the love I should’ve realized when I still had a heart
When I still had love to give
I thought I was still salvageable
But I didn’t hide the damage
I plainly stated “Heavily used and abused, 50 % off”
And I read her clearly the disclaimer across my chest
“Sunshine, I’m the thunderstorm here to rain on your parade,
Babygirl, I’m the kind of boy you need to be afraid of
I’m the devil in wolf’s clothing
Run before I sink my teeth in, and bleed your neck dry
But she had a storm of her own
And she swept me up like a hurricane
And when her eyes met mine, I swear lightning struck
Your kiss like a rogue wave, your heart like thunder
The rain on the window, your head on my shoulder
And then we Titanic’d the windows
We sauna’d the backseats  
We did it, with a capital DID IT
She wrapped her arms around me
And my wooden heart started to crack
And I even started to feel human again
She’d hug me, and I thought I’d might feel sane again
But I wasn’t okay, and it was obvious
Suffering from Post Traumatic Love Disorder
Yeah it’s ******* cheesy, but I like how it sounded
And I was fishing for an excuse
Hunting for an excuse to blame you for her sins
Because when you’re sick, you pass it on
You don’t mean or want to, but misery loves company
I started pointing fingers, and laying blame wherever you walked
I made it hard to love me, hard to like me
One day you had enough and politely screamed “Why…”
I replied “Because I hold grudges, and I don’t care,”
After a few weeks, neither did you
Your bad habits would stink up your bedroom, and mine
You gave me the rope to hang us both
I had all the evidence to execute us
I branded you a witch and me a demon
And burned us both
I left you to rot, and for that I will never forgive us
The pain I know you feel makes me scream and cry
Wish I could take it all, if only to see you smile
I hate myself for leaving, because we’ll never be the same
How dare I leave when I had so much left to say
If being me is such a crime, you never told me
I never asked to be this lonely
But I did force you out
Our failure is my fault only
Now when I’m with her, I think of you
And I hate you for that
You never gave me a chance t be better than him
You never gave me a chance to be good enough
One chance could have been enough
You could have been my everything
I would have given you everything
Now to humble me,
I am forced to witness an eternal insult
A most beautiful, ****, powerful woman
Who could have been a queen
Forever betrothed to a fool.
Now, my heart only beats for war
Like when I burned our castle down