Love, marriage, birth, death


I want a lover for life, not just a lover for tonight.
I want someone, who takes away my breath.
I want love, marriage, birth and death.


While you’re out there, looking for some excitement;
I’ll have someone, who is committed,
To making this work, whatever comes our way.
Someone who will be at my side, until I am old and grey.


For I now know what makes this work,
For I am no longer a ****.
So go ahead; come over to me and flirt,
But you’re wasting your time,
For I need woman and not a girl.


You’re a solar eclipse, that has covered my heart,
You make all other women, fade into the dark.
For the light you shine, is simply blinding.
You’re the only woman, I need to be seeing.


I have now found what I’ve been looking for.
So if you feel the same way, my love is yours;
But never say I love you, unless you’re speaking from your soul.
For I don’t need any love, that isn’t sacred and pure.


For love is not simply a word, it’s like taking an oath;
A promise to me, that I’m the only one who can have your love.
But if you’re just after, an easy lay,
Then turn around and leave me and don’t come back again.


For I have become a runaway train,
Who is speeding down the railway line,
On a collision course with you.


Angel of mine, come and bring me sunshine,
Or steal Cupid’s bow and help me find love again.
For I don’t wish to live another day,
Until I get a girlfriend and I can show the world my happy face.


I speak from my heart, to share with you my feelings;
I tell you my thoughts, to show you what I’ve been thinking.
As the sun shines down upon you
And the water glistens on your skin,
You’re watching me thinking, as I’m watching you swim
And we both share a smile, for we both think the same thing.
Oh my God, I’m in love…
And each of us knows what the other is thinking.


So you run out of the water and I get to my feet,
Then somewhere in the middle, we share an embrace
And each of us wish, to never let go;
But we will never forget today though.
For today was the day, we both fell in love;
Every loving word spoken, with a simple hug.


(C)2013 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

All my exes know about you
because in severing
myself from them
they only heard me
cry out
your name.

Everyone I have ever loved
and will ever come to love
will sit with me at a
table set for three
and always wonder
whose company
I was expecting.

When I run the next two
relationships to the ground
I will tell myself it didn’t work
because they were not the one
for me.

Still then, I will beg myself
to stop looking in all the
wrong places
just to prove
love is not meant for me.

How many times can you look for
sea turtles in swimming pools and
belonging in half-hearted promises?


How many homes will you build out of paper
yet spend the night gathering every
scream lodged in your throat
to build you the boat you will
escape with in the middle of the night?

How many times will you say
it didn’t work because we weren’t right
for one another?

Didn’t your mother tell you
if you want to find what you are missing
you must not search with your eyes shut?
Eyelids crinkled,
palms shielding you
from every crack of light
begging to be seen.

You will blame the world
before you find fault
with who you keep for company.

You cannot blame
the darkness—
he is the only one
you ever let in.

This isn't a poem, this is written from the heart of a hurting girl...

I am that girl, the pure title, and definition of fearing commitment. The funny thing, it’s the farthest thing I ever want to be.

Deep down I see marriage, 2.5 kids, white picket fences, and all the dogs you’ll let me have. Oh yes, it’s a beautiful future there, yet my so-called “relationships” last maybe a few months, because you throw words out there like love, and moving in together, being my rock and everything I long for. Yeah, I might say those words back, I may play along with what our wedding will look like, and that gorgeous ring that adds a beautiful symbol of commitment on my scrawny little finger and its beautiful because deeply that is what my poor beaten-up heart is yearning for. But instead, those feelings of bliss I so wistfully yearn for are replaced with panic and pure distaste for wanting stick it out and stay by your side.

So, what do I do? I run. I am the star of “Runaway from Stability”. Why? If you could answer that for me and fix me, you would probably be a millionaire and sell lots of books on it. And speaking of books, my shelves are littered with self-help books that only exist to make you think that I read them, but I don’t… I collect literature that fuels my fantasy that there is nothing wrong with me.

I can dig deep down and do the years of therapy for you and blame my father that never wanted me in his life, who constantly let me down... I can blame the fact I am a serial dater due to walking away time and time again... I can blame my mother, who by the way shares the same fear I do, and you could say the apple falls right next to the **** tree. (Love you so much, mom)... You could blame the men (more like “boys”) that promised me the world and broke my heart after all I saw was them in my future.

Yeah, sure the list goes on with who I could “blame”. But the problem still exists that I can’t change, I can’t get attached, I can’t get hurt. Yeah yeah yeah…. Can’t means you won’t, but maybe that is it. Maybe I won’t budge. Maybe I absolutely won't stick it out despite all the right words I know I need to consistently hear.

And you come along, you’re sweet, you’re understanding, you’re that list my best friend told me to make of qualities we've all made throughout our lives after each heartbreak, after each "I am done dating" of qualifications a man must have before you date them.

And you know what?... I like you... So much, I could even say every ounce of me has fallen for you. But that my inner fear comes up like ***** and that's it! There is no chance holding it down…

I don’t think I can ever be the girl with hearts in her eyes that doodles your name all over my notes at work. No, I won’t be… I used to be that girl that was lovesick with an unrealistic crush on someone.

That little girl won’t come back. I miss her, but she’s not there...

Yeah, I am sure you’ve Googled all the articles that tell you how to deal with a “Commitment Phobic Girlfriend” and yeah, I’ve read them too which spiral my mind out of control how to fix myself. My friends all say the same thing, “You’ve got to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else Bri!” ---insert eye roll--- So far that’s all I got because this really doesn’t make me happy, and maybe that’s it?

Life keeps crumpling me up and spitting me out and I deem myself a pool of chaos, that I am not really wanted if people knew the truth of how broken I am inside, how much I don’t respect myself anymore because of my commitment-phobia-self-proclaimed-title…

I don’t know why I chose to write this article, maybe because I am not the only one? A cry for help? The attention YOU THINK I am wanting... Ha, no...

At least I can hope I am not the only one who struggles with this battle, and I am sure I am not... But why? Why is it that way?

(Heck, maybe a therapist wouldn’t be a bad idea at this point. YAY! Progress! ---insert another eye roll---)

I do know this, despite everything, I have learned the true meaning of love, (Crazy right?!) Because some of you I have run away from, love me, and always will... You've shown it, you've proven it even. And yet STILL, I believe in my heart I am truly unlovable.

To my friends who know the phobia, the constant relationship hopping, you all love me still, and that's hard for me to wrap my head around. You all are my rock, I love you all so very much. And thank you, thank you for not giving up on me in my train-wreck of a life because I could never do this without you.

A collection of ‘Love is…’ Poetry
Cappuccino


Love is commitment.
Love is faithful.
Love is Heaven sent,
If you are loved by an angel.


(C)2017 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

When we met, love Obnubilated me.
I became bananas about you.
I wanted to be luculent.
Just to be Pauciliquent.
I however felt like a blatherskite.
You probably thought I was a glaikit.

Did I sound like a meacock instead?
If so, it’s due to kakorrhaphiophobia.
I might have operose my feelings.
Did it seem like I wanna mamaguy you?
You behaved like a frondeur.

Your callipygian body looked extramundane.
Your hair looked ulitichous.
Did you feel like I lusted your Callipygian shape?
I foresaw a love that won’t flatline.
If it does, it will be eucatastrophe.

Now we’re together, I’m disenthrall from Misogamy.
You’re a deipnosophist and a mixologist.
I’m edcious.
To keep you happy, I share a boffola.
To me, love felt like a Humdudgeon.

(A Psalm for Meditation: godly devotion and commitment.)

Lord, I live to worship you,
And breathe to sing your praise.

Daily, my soul arises in your presence
With eager longing and expectation.

Oh life-giving One, draw me
With your wondrous love
And sweet words of comfort.

Don't be far from me,
But take my feeble hand
As I reach out to you.
Come closer as I draw nearer to you,
Oh my God, that I may forever
Know your abiding presence.

I would throw myself from
A moving train to prove
My devotion to you,

I would bungee jump
From the highest point
Just to know your name,

I would tread on burning coals
And compare it to how your
Fingers would feel against my skin,

I would put my life on the line
To show how deep the love
Of a daredevil can go.