i have this constant ache and hollowness inside my chest
sometimes, it would wrap around my heart and squeeze it until it becomes painful
during those times, i might be talking to a friend and we're asking ourselves where we are that exact time next year, when college life hits us and everything is new--school, teachers, friends, goals and maybe, just maybe, when we finally know what freedom actually feel, if we will ever feel it
other times, we might just be talking over plateful of fries and coke and someone will ask me what university i'll be going to and just like usual, i will say whatever univ will give me a scholarship when i really want to say is that whenever you guys will go because **** it, i am sure that i might not be happy at first because it would make me feel pathetic for chasing people instead of my dreams but the thing is they're my people and aren't they dreams personified and i am also sure that after a while i will then feel safe and happy because although people wants to achieve things in order to be happy, i in contrast only want an assurance that they will be with me along the way and i don't care how long it will take for me to reach my goals (yes not dreams because they're that already) as long as they're still at least in my peripheral vision while i'm looking towards the finish line
you see, my greatest dilemma is how to tell people who ask you what you want that you only wish for them to always be with you without them feeling scared of you because you want them so much too much all the time especially when you thought that you'll never want nor need anything else as long as you have them
tell me how you tell people that you've never been certain of anything until they came and gently knock on your walls telling you that you won't need them anymore for they, your friends, are there to support and protect you and without knowing it you've already lowered down the walls that served as your haven during unforgiving times and for a long long while you've been so used to them being your post and for once you finally felt how it feels like to have those hollow parts covered by resilient structures such as them but unlike your haven which you left, they will be the one who will do the leaving but it would be okay for you because you know that stability is rare and you would be willing to wait even longer than usual just to feel secured again because those walls don't quite fit you anymore and new spaces are created by those who left you only for a while they say and promise to come back
come
the
****
back
will you be so kind as to tell me how certain people just seem to have the ability to catch your whole being and carve themselves in your ears arms tongue throat thighs legs head feet and make a dent in your soul as if their mere existence is not enough for you to make sure that yes they are real and they entered your life and surely wreak a havoc before leaving
it's as if they want to make a point : your soul, i touched it, was able to create a whole new universe, destroy something no one would be able to rebuild and you. know. it.
now, now
tell me how to forget
