The blossom floats to the ground
It hits so violently all of hell shakes
Heaven gazes wordlessly from above,
Watching our actions, judging us.
One eye follows our every move,
Waiting for failure; maybe I'll never graduate
Let's wander past old brick buildings

What it meant to me
was what the branch means to the cardinal,
was what the pencil means to the poet,
might have been how the sky storms
to someone sitting on a window bench with
eyes seeking something solid, something sold.

What it meant to them
was a history of books that aren’t yellowed with age,
was the Sudoku puzzles in the newspaper only grandmothers use,
it could have been what ramen meant to a college kid who’s two meals a day
consist of sodium and carbohydrates, who’s eyes bend down, but they’re not allowed
to look away from something crucial. It made them gag.

What it meant was
we’re living in a cage and college debt (1.5 Trillion) is only one of the bars to freedom in a country renowned for liberty. That’s too expensive, but not for war.

What it meant was
I’m in the middle of my personally gifted depression and anxiety and my friends say,
“We all grew up with parents like that, we all got ******,”
and she was right. I don’t know someone who hasn’t dealt with
what this world’s handed us on a silver plastic platter.

Can you tell me after all these years
how we’re to cope? There aren’t enough therapists. There isn’t enough trust between our minds and our beliefs. (Ex: Do I deserve help? No.)

What it meant to me
was the words I couldn’t say, out loud or in my head,
was the crossword puzzles, titled “Emotions”,
might have been reading the news and
finding there’s another empty seat in a class I’m not in.

Do you want a pretty ending?
Maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t,
I’m not here to tell you how to live your life.
We’re not given much choice in too many matters,
but the cardinals are resting on their branch and
the pencil is tucked between my fingers,
and every storm ends to begin again.

I jumped off a cliff, and did not want to die this time. The time and preparation I took with a new found value for my life, kept me breathing. The harness I wore hugged my hips I once hated, while the neon rope kept me far above rock bottom. As I clipped into my climbing belay device from the top of the rock rather than the bottom for the first time, I had a revelation; I knew the harness I was wearing held legs that were stronger than ever before, the shoes on my feet kept me scaling above the expected, and the rope I tied into would lead me to stability and adventure. Harnessing the last of my inner strength allowed me to step into the shoes of the man I knew I was meant to be, all while trusting the ropes I learned during the time that I was away. I learned how to love boldly and with transparency.  

Recognizing my ability to love and be loved I set foot on a journey to develop my underlying drive to better the environment. I took the information in like a luffa squash sponge anytime I could, resulting in a vast variety of knowledge. I was taught how to sow, fertilize, maintain and sustain hundreds of species of vegetables, flowers and fruits on seemingly endless lengths of garden beds. Wise mentors and old souls graced me with historical lessons an artifact of how us humans have interacted with the native land for over four centuries. All while highly educated and selfless individuals devoted their time to teaching sustainable and invaluable information to myself and the next generations to come. I want to be one of the wonderful humans who has taught me everything I know about farming and the environment thus far. I want to be a good human too.

Before I started that week in late spring of 2018, I had recently finished pushing myself through my first year at a community college. I was not only grieving the passing of the most incredible person I knew, but I was preparing to lay to rest the female self I once lived for 18 years. I needed to grab onto something to stay in this lifetime. With hard work, maturity, perseverance, self reflectance, and the ability to be honest with myself and others, I healed and I learned. Holding a record of my rapidly growing 1000 hours of environmental and agricultural experience between last farming season and the current one, I continue with an undeniably honest passion for actively learning and striving to create a life I want to be in. Taking the time to restructure my life while connecting with a countless number of unforgettable people to teach and guide me along the way has prepared me for this moment. I am ready for what is next. The time as come to succeed. My name is Neive Doyle, an organic farmer, transmasculine individual with a purpose to save the only earth we have.

the coffee's too bitter
and i'm losing my tether
to the world of dreams
grounding me to reality.
i think i want to sleep but
the coffee's too bitter,
and my mind takes a thought
and runs with it.

i'm feeling it, feeling hopeless
bloom in my chest again.
i think that i don't care for once.
****, sadness won't
let me rest again.
i'll just fail for once.
let me fail for once.

i'm tired but the coffee tastes bitter
on my tongue.
i should be studying but
i'm getting so hung
over my spinning mind.
it feels nice to unwind
when you're so high strung.

i'm falling into this black hole,
and i fear that i don't really mind.
so where's the point,
where's the light dawning down on me?
where's my epiphany?

bitter coffee makes me bitter,
makes me sadder,
makes me think harder
about where i'm supposed to be.

now it's 1 am and i can't sleep.
the ice has melted in the cup.
i'm self-admittedly in love with
the idea of not giving a ****.

I'm surrounded by these four walls,
My thoughts bouncing off of them;
Loud and clear.

I find comfort in these four walls,
Knowing that my cries for help never leave,
That when I wail at night no one can get to me.

I also feel trapped by these four walls,
They make me feel small,
The white colour blinding me when I come up for air each time.

But these four walls know me better than anyone else here,
They know the real me.
Because when I leave these four walls every morning,
I leave as a new me.

somewhere between soulmate and first date
between let’s wait and you’re too late
that’s fate and let’s create
you were just bait

Procrastinated all day
So here we go...
Caffeine high
Music so loud
Laptop out
Calculator ready
Let do this.