i once was told
that i loved too much
my lotus heart
opening too quickly,
yearning for a love
deeper than i could handle.
i may be soft,
but i am also a fire
and you are the only one
who sets my heart to bloom.
- for you i wait amongst the wildflowers.
if i am to die before i reach you,
please know that my arms are weeping as they will never be able to hold you in them on a warm night.
if i am to die before i get to hold your hand in mine,
know that your voice is the only thing calming me down as i transcend to the light.
our conversations will be carved into my veins and your sweet words will be replayed in my mind.
if i am to die before my eyes meet yours,
please know that i am forever indebted to you for bringing me out of the dark,
before i met you i didn't think I'd ever get to feel happiness again; the feeling felt so distant,
but now my smile reaches my eyes and i light up every time i see you.
if i am to die before i get to kiss you,
know that I've imagined us meeting over a thousand times,
the warm feeling that spreads through my chest never gets old.
if i am to die before i reach you,
know that i would've gone to the ends of the Earth for you,
i am eternally grateful that you made me feel so special,
and you deserve so much more than you think you do.
you are the sun,
you brightened up my life and turned my dark days into ones that felt like spring.
you made flowers grow in my chest and made me want to be a better person.
i can only hope that i had some effect over your life as well.
if i am to die before i can hold you close to my chest,
please know that your life was the best part of mine.
you were my light in the dark. now you're not here to catch me when i fall and im scared of being alone again.
What are you up to these days?
I hope you finally got your head out of the maze,
I wonder if you’ve patched things up with your parents,
You know they only want what’s best for you, nothing less.
I noticed that you’ve finally fixed your sleep schedule,
I hope college hasn’t been too much of a hassle,
I’m glad that you’re able to occupy your mind,
It’s better than having to deal with your demons most of the time.
I wonder if you think about me while you lie awake at night,
Once the sky’s finally lost it’s light,
Do you think about all the things we left behind,
Or am I the last thing that’s on your mind?
Do you catch yourself reaching out to talk to me,
Only for pride to step in and seize the opportunity?
Are you waiting for me to step in and be friendly,
Or have you already cast me out as another one of your nobody’s?
update: he cast me out as one of his nobody's.
I was naive enough to believe that we’d be the exception,
The ones to beat the odds put up against them,
Instead I’ve realised that I was merely a stop in your journey,
A lesson to learn along the way when you got lonely.
You held my hand in the dark,
I gave you a thousand reasons to not let me go,
It was my fault for basing my love on pure affection,
I thought I was giving your life direction.
Negative opinions on us would scare me sometimes,
But the future I saw in your eyes told me otherwise,
Now I spend every second of each day all alone,
Wondering if I’ll ever hear you stop by to say ’Hello’.
After everything that has gone down,
I’d understand if you couldn’t face me now,
I wouldn’t hesitate to walk away if you asked me to,
Even if it meant that I’d be losing the one good thing that I once knew.
it feels good to be writing again. it's been 15 days since you left. God, please let this pass.
This constant battle of tug-of-war with the universe has taught me to be cognisant,
Of how fragile I am between the few good moments,
Moments where I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be suffocated by these four walls,
The same four walls that have seen and heard every one of my downfalls.
Its funny how one word can pull the trigger to a lifetime of memories,
I’ve spent so much time isolating them but they come up just as easy,
The days I spent sitting on the cold, bathroom floor with slits on my wrist,
Never expecting to wake up the next morning or live through another night like this.
Each morning is a guessing game of which body part I hate the most;
Will my thighs, my arms or hairy legs be looked at and called “gross”?
The razor sitting in my top drawer rattles and calls out my name,
Will today be the day I carve out hateful messages and sit out in pain?
I try to block out the thoughts that are circling in my mind;
Pointing their daggers at my back and slowly killing me from the inside,
My heart feels heavy as I put on a smile and thank god that I’m alive,
We both know that i’m lying but at least I can convince myself, even if it's just for a while.
im trying but its not working.
Trees of auburn and gold,
Where time is irrelevant and love is bold,
Waves gently stroke the shore,
You are mine and I am yours.
Hues of red and pink flood the sky,
Buildings are covered with neon signs,
Dozens of petals decorate the floor,
Suddenly you’re not that far away anymore.
Sunlight dances off the leaves;
Glistening and sparkling in all shades of green,
I wonder if you still feel the same way after,
I look into your eyes and I’ve found my answer.
The pitter-patter of rain against the window,
I turn and I see you drooling on your pillow,
I let out a chuckle and gaze at you in awe,
For you are mine and I am yours.
inspired by Bruno Major's song; Places We Won't Walk.
maybe some day we'll be mumbling our goodnight's into each other's shoulders instead of texting one another.
I'm surrounded by these four walls,
My thoughts bouncing off of them;
Loud and clear.
I find comfort in these four walls,
Knowing that my cries for help never leave,
That when I wail at night no one can get to me.
I also feel trapped by these four walls,
They make me feel small,
The white colour blinding me when I come up for air each time.
But these four walls know me better than anyone else here,
They know the real me.
Because when I leave these four walls every morning,
I leave as a new me.
its been a while since I've written on this website. it feels odd to be back.
I hope this poem makes sense in some way.