It was so dark,
like a black hole I couldn’t escape from.
. . .
It was cramped enough that no more than two people could fit standing,
and it was full of dust.
The shelves were taken out of it months before,
because we were moving soon.
It always smelled damp, like mold,
but I never found any.

He yanked me in,
my arm sore from how tight he gripped it.
I bit my lip to keep from crying out,
when he threw me to the hardwood floor.
It was so cold against my bare legs below my nightgown
that I practically shivered.

He towered over me,
and I choked.
Suffocated by the smell of cigarette smoke,
radiating off of him.

He always smelled like that,
and so did most of my clothes.
Even our furniture,
because he liked to smoke in the house.

His hands were always covered in a layer of grime,
and he left a brown ring on my arm where he grabbed me.
I shrank back against the wall, knees against my chest, as he stared me down, with his ice-colored eyes.

- “Maybe this way you’ll learn to listen,” -
His frigid tone was infinitely worse
than any scream or swear that he could ever throw at me.

- “I didn’t mean to, I'm sorr-” -
I was cut short when he stepped closer,
and I knew to shut up before I made it worse.

- “Don’t make me take this belt off.” -
. . .
THE BELT.
It was made of dark leather and covered in thick jewels,
most of them shaped like crosses.
The end of it was plated with polished silver-colored metal,
and flat on both sides.
The BELT.
That was the threat he always used,
because he knew how much I hated it.
. . .
I lowered my head and stayed silent,
biting the inside of my cheek so hard that I tasted blood.
He turned to leave,
his heavy work boots leaving muddy footprints behind him.
He slammed the door and ---
'''CLICK'''
. . .
I scrambled to the door desperately trying to open it,
but it was too late.
I cried out, a strangled noise,
as I desperately choked for air.

- “Please let me out! I’ll do anything, I’ll even scrub the floor with my toothbrush!” I sobbed. “Please!” -

“QUIT YOUR CRYING BEFORE I GIVE YOU A REAL REASON TO!”
. . .
I shut my mouth.
Tears streamed down my cheeks.
I tucked myself back into the corner and silently cried.
I sat like that the whole day,
and all of the night.
. . .
No   f  o  o  d.
No   w  a  t  e  r.
No   b  a  t  h  r  o  o  m.
. . .
I sat there in silence,
while he yelled at the tv like a lunatic.
Hours crawled by,
while I rotted there in my own filth.

The next morning he opened the door and apologized,
claiming he was tired and had a lapse in judgement.

I knew he didn’t really mean it,
his  "a p o l o g y,"
because he would’ve done it again in a heartbeat.

He tried to hug me,
but I pushed him away.
He opened his mouth to shriek.
but I beat him to it.

I let out my:
ANGER
s a d n e s s
F R U S T R A T I O N
. . .
I sobbed and squealed,
until my eyes burned,
and my throat was raw.
. . .
Then I turned and walked away.
Into my room.
Door locked.
Lights on.

That was the very day,
that I decided I wasn’t going to stay quiet.
That I wouldn't let anyone hurt me,
without a consequence.

He pretends it didn’t happen,
like everyone else.
But... I don’t care either.
He will never hurt me again,
because I won’t let him.

I am in control.
I am forged from a fire,
lit from anguish and hatred.
You stoke the flame,
and you get burned.

I learned this lesson when I was just seven years old.
All because I accidentally broke a
s t u p i d
u g l y
v a s e
. . .
It was red.

He was only a boy

Wanting to be loved

Then he became a man

Who was broken by it

do you ever think, mother, as you snort that pill,
of the life you promised, the love, the thrill?
do you ever pause when you praise the lord above,
and wonder if you failed your daughter’s love?

father, do you think as you kneel and pray,
of the hurt you caused, the price i pay?
do you see the nights i hid my pain,
the lessons you taught me, the silent strain?

mother, when you’re high and drifting away,
do you recall i had to guide your sway?
dragging you gently, laying you down,
while inside me, anger and sorrow drowned?

father, do you lie awake in your bed at night,
haunted by choices, by wrong from right?
do you remember the tears i cried alone,
the love you promised, now turned to stone?

because i remember. every wrong, every scar.
i hold it all close, though it feels too far.
i remember the hurt, the silence, the fall,
and i’ll carry it with me, i remember it all.

Little blocks we stacked up when we were children.
Little hands that trembled every time a loud bang was made.

Little by little
A dream gets stacked,
A love gets bound,
A heart is bounced.

Little by little
A dream crumbles,
A love becomes hate,
A heart turns to stone.

Little by little
A child is made,
A laugh decreases,
A nightmare is made.

Little by little
The darkness exceeds,
The numbness lives free,
The void is sought.

Little by little
The memories become a dream,
The sleep comes once a week,
The eyes start to bleed.

Little by little
A recollection is made,
From the last mistakes,
The redness it made.

Little by little
A child has grown,
really fast,
really mature.

Little by little,
The only dream that a child sought.
liberation or recollection?