for Karlotti

~
And a flower on the borders of winter.
an unseasoned sign that the singular erupting bud
will lend the lens to see, give the courage to accept
the greatest joy of man will ever be
anticipation

there will be seasons that the singular erupting bud,
be the bitterest truth nail gunned into your temple,
the perversity of a mockery, an uncrossable boundary
a flowering sign of skull & bones meant to teach acceptance
the greatest curse of man will be
the changing seasons

La mayor maldición del hombre,
Las estaciones cambiantes

You sent me a message
Just one
Late at night
"I really like you, you know that?"
And it convinced me
It wasn't quite over yet.
No
This was just the beginning

My teal hair
The perfect color
A clash from my sea green eyes
And ivory skin
Attention seeps into my skin
I want to change everything
Everything about me
This year has been a change
Let's end it
With a bang.

the sun she hides,
cease the birdsong call
the leaves frozen, frail
fall.

the darkness long,
quiet river weeps
silence but scurry, settle
sleep.

lay still to rest,
flaxen unfold
dying carefully, cautious
cold.

warm wood floors
worn smooth from years of work boots and light-up sneakers
the sun shines through the kitchen window
if I squint I can almost see my younger self sitting at the counter
trying on her high school graduation cap for the first time
In this moment I feel both older and younger than I ever have before
I close the door to my childhood bedroom for the last time,
and the ache in my chest pulses
but I know it will fade
the pictures are gone from the walls
but the memories remain
the love remains
most of it will follow to our new home
but some will remain here a while longer,
warming the space and recalling the lives it once held

We are broken up
And it is all my fault
But somehow
I can't seem to change my phone
To a picture
Other then us.

three or four conversations a year
the tv goes off
and We confront each other
for who We really are
underneath the pleasantries of Love

You tell me what You went through
when I was too young
to understand
You tell me of passionate youth
and now I get it.

I discover what drove You
the insight of Your desires
the things that felled You
what lit the fires
and now I get it.

You tell me how You struggled
how You fought the inanity
how loneliness claimed You
took You face to face with insanity
and now I get it.

We uncover all my lies
I'm finally honest
I let You in
to how I felt so far from You
when You wanted me close

We learn of a strange bond
that makes Us less deserving
of others help
coming from the best parts of Us
at the bottom

three or four conversations
that bring Us closer each year
relationship seasoning
enriching our shared soul
as life takes toll

- Love You..

I wish
I could be strong enough
To be with you
To love you
But my whole life
I have been drowning
Drowning in guilt
Drowning in self-hatred
And now I've escaped
I've found the truth
My truth
And I threw off the guilt
Opened the curtains
Let in the light
And embraced this new person
But this new person
Still has the faults of the old
She's guilty
About new things
And about the same things
But guilty none the less
And she needs people to tell her
That it's okay
That what she wants to do is okay
And that in the end
The only thing
She should feel guilty for
Is not staying true to herself

When she looks back,
A small teen believed
he was the happiest milestone
that's ever been marked
in her journey of life.  

She treated him like a dying man.
She cherished every second,
laughed at every word,
loved every part of him
entirely every moment she could.

Her brain would plant
beautiful flowers
and they became nourished by
a simple thought of him.

He did not show efforts
to create a new garden.
Malnutrition problems.
She was over blossoming
beautiful bouquets.
And gave them to the poison.

Time passes by,
she tried to be her again.

The thought of him always lingered
and it achieved all it needs.
Questioning herself, lack of confidence.
Day after day pass by,
She doesn’t know what she wants
lost in the ways of the world.

Her brain participates in ways to burry
the negative feelings to succeed
at only feeling good.
She’s stuck, the pain overbears her.

Fatigue, sadness, lack of motivation
all tag along, alone with nothing better to do. Weighing her down in the world while he is living like one normally does.

6 years later. She’s asked about her first love.

When she's thinking about him,
her brain shrivels up
like a flower would when it's cold.  
She try to protect herself, “Debatably a waste of time but also glad it happened.” She answers.

Growth is in pain, she acknowledges.
She thinks of her previous pain
only to find the root of sadness
to be able to change.

She lets go. She loves herself. She is beautiful. She feels like she is worth the world and deserving of a loving guy.

She notices that her maturity was key.
She lives life for her every day. Not for a boy, not for her school, grades, parents. SHE LIVES FOR HERSELF.

Her peace became important. She realized, feelings of hers are real. She is allowed to feel. Her emotions have power.