These hands
Written on by life
Will write
With only my words
This death I’ve died
A thousand times
Is mine alone

This skin
That stood out in fields
Alone
That has drowned in  sees
Alone
That has scarred from
Words and glances

These veins
Pumping through
This life force
The blood that brought
The marrow to the bone
That brought a life
That was never mine
Into the fabric of this body
Into the struggle, the effort
The wisdom, the peace

The day I was launched off my feet
Sleep crawling
To side lines
That I might never leave
The debris
Has scattered into memories
Forgotten
Even by themselves

These lungs
Have whispered prayers
Bellowed poems
And swallowed pride
Choking on the ghost of death
One last time

These bones have set
In crooked ways
A skeleton
That’s lost
The art of support
Stiffened from
Bracing for impact

From the very day
That I decided
That if I can’t shine
I’ll slay
Support myself in every which way
Support this weight
That I’ve hoisted on my shoulders
These boulders
That I’ll stand up

These feet
Leaving no trace
But the distance between us,
Will go
Where no-one will find me
Will dance through ditches
Curve into corners
Coast out of questions
Throttle and choke
The fear

Gods arise and i hide behind the sun
What could a soul like me do in the presence of divinity?
Eyes of gold cut toward me
And i know the message they hold
But i, the coward, simply look away into the flames

Its fitting here, lying on the sun
I pretend my agony is from the flames
Even though a soul has no physical body
Yearning has scarred me like glimpses of the moon
And i remember life in solitude

****** hits like sinking deeper into the sun
I look past the sky into the heavens above
Clouded by a lazy orange haze
I watch the gods weep to make rain

Sorrowful existence with no real meaning
A star burns in the distance
I pull fire over me as if i could feel the heat
Like comfort could ever come to me

And when a god sends way for me
They lift me from the flames like a leaf on water
Like a shell from the sea
They mold me a body and toss me away to the earth
Says ‘come back to me, my child, when you can feel bliss’

And i grow up desperate for love
Desperate to feel pleasure in the midst of pain
Learn a thing or two about happiness
And false hope of a single god
Wander the earth and revel in its beauty
Scar the skin they so gracefully gave me

And when i have lived as much as i can
I become cowardly again
I see their face in my dreams
I get old yet stay the same
Die in my sleep one day

My soul rests on the sun again
And they come to greet me
Says ‘did you learn what you could be’
Hugs my scarred body
As i nod timidly

I learned of pleasure
I learned of love
I learned to feel
At home in the heavens above

i became skinny, but i still hated myself
i worked my **** off trying to “lose weight”
i was always skinny
what was i on?
i watched my slim figure in the mirror
and
cried
i was never good enough
i still don’t think i am
no—
i will never be enough
cause i think i’m ugly despite one or two people calling me pretty
my clothes don’t fit and i panic
i told my friend i needed to lose weight
and she said i was super skinny
i don’t know why
it shocked me
cause the body dysmorphia is vicious
and she is my biggest bully
my legs are muscular
i walk all day, run at night
i swear
i’m not lying about that
yes
i pace around my room
cause apparently that’ll shed pounds
heck, i’m one hundred and twenty pounds
yes—
i said it
it’s mostly muscle
but i think i’m fat
perhaps, i haven’t thought about my weight or my legs for a long while
but yesterday i saw my stomach in the mirror
and i can’t stop thinking about that
i’m gonna start doing ab exercises
so i can be toned
and i know i’ll be happy
by those results
i’m still ugly though
i am so sorry for the self deprivation
but it’s come the time when i accept that i will never be beautiful
and i don’t know
perhaps that’s perfectly valid

My body welcomes

many guests, it is a home --


for thoughts and feelings.

my first step cracked the ground like phyllo pastry / alarms pierced through dense air that struggled to reach my lungs / massive acrid pills fell from the darkening sky / inching closer to me with every second / as if the world was demanding for me to swallow them / my body absorbed lightning faster than it could ever charge through the sky / my heart seized with every glance / so I kept my eyes downcast / settling on a strong smooth obsidian / that rested below the ground / tremors overtook my hands / and I leaped onto the stone.

We like each other,

your big nose, my port-wine stain --


are not to be spurned.

Plenty of nice sweet men
but not with me, too little
is enjoyed

my body, I want to
surrender
to tough desire

romp with it, smell him
when I wake up
in the warmth of two

fitting bodies
in my bed, in my bed
in my longing

for stubble and hands
pushes in my skin
power in my flesh

glowing caresses
from a man who feels
who I am