deep breaths.  racing heart.  what is the teacher saying?   bouncing leg accompanied by the tap tapping of fingers.  room needs cleaned.  check needs picked up.  how long until school is out?  the secondhand has a tick.  have tests to study for.  is that a new ring on her hand?  my appointment starts at 4:30.  the AC has kicked on.  when will the weather make up its mind?  need to pay attention to notes.  need more sleep.  my shoe came untied.  the wind is blowing the trees outside.  what college do i want to go to?  did I turn in my assignment?  this needs to stop.

New week
Relief
Realizing
There was no reason to worry!

You were not told
So I can put my anxiety on hold
Yet still
I wonder...
Is there a chance
In the future?

My emotions
Churning like oceans
The inner tempest
In temporary rest...

Still
I hope this is a phase
While I walk
In this maze
Of which
Is nameless.

Waiting
For the time
When my heart stops racing
My pulse under control
Put out this strange fire
Pulsing in my veins

Other matters
Unmentioned
Hidden
Left for another piece
Of the endless numbers
Of parchment
To hold my thoughts.

- Jay M
April 15th, 2019

I don’t know if I need a friend-
I don’t know if I am on the mend.
All I know is that it feels like
this feeling will never end.

She slithers in
underneath my door
in the dead of night.
I let my guard down
and she slides up my bed,
underneath the covers
and curls around my spine.
She whispers sweet terrors
and I find myself awake
and fighting this anxiety
that has me in her grip.

Some days I do not have the strength to keep moving
I blank out, completing forgetting what I was pursuing
Constant thoughts of "What am I doing?!"
Wishing thoughts in my head would stop cooing
I feel like my energy has been drained
The relationships I have all seemed to be strained
My heart is just overwhelmed and pained
I wish I didn't feel so constrained
and that my emotions were something that could easily be contained
I wish there was someone who could be blamed
But there isn't and it feels like nothing is ever going to be the same

We we talk, I do it softly.  
I don’t want to say something to upset you.
Sometimes, I feel like there’s a countdown to when I’m going to mess up next, and ruin it forever.

Will you keep me around?

the lights
d i m
im told to lay down.
candles are
put in a circle around
me they ask,
“do you hate your body?”
i say
“yes”
they slice of a slab of
flesh from my
stomach
they repeat,
“do you hate your body?”
i say even
louder now,
“yes”
they slash off more flesh
but now from the inside of my
thighs
they repeat one last time,
“do you hate your body?”
i scream
“Y
    E
       S!”
the candles blow out.
the ceiling opens up to
reveal a
starry night sky and they speak for the last time
“you are reborn”

-getting rid of my eating disorder

No wrongs to right, no lost love to mourn,
I must concoct an awful lot of falsified accounts.
But why should I neglect my life,
For self-burnt homes and hidden doubts?