I carry the torch of this misery.
The bearer of all secrets that kept us terminally sick.
Held hostage by brokenness
Hostess to alcoholism, cynicism, paranoid delusions
A pillar upon which a false empire was built?
Was the straw that broke the camel's back composed of grass or guilt?

A person who feels like home can be dangerous when you carry the blame of destroying the one you grew in.

Emerged from my isolation to walk under the stars.
$11.11 was the total for my holiday purchase of alcohol and cigarettes
I wished upon a scar that I would one day grow to be whole.
I listened to your playlist on the cold walk home.

These metaphors for living pure are cheesy
All existence is chaos
Anthems of anger, ballads for those who have lost
Holding fading souls and cradling hearts like hammocks for the homeless

There are forbidden things bursting forth from beneath my tongue like blooming flowers from the ground.
Urging me to the arms of strangers.
No, there will never be another special one, no like-minded soul to trust and confide in. My past rusts within me.

I am a human vault with no combination. Feeling nostalgic again for relationships I ruined.
On purpose in distrust I'm alone with all this lust again.
Sometimes self-awareness feels like a sham.
Will I ever know who I am?

Knowing me is more an eternal sigh and shake of the head than a pleasure.
I wish I was alright but I just might have to become okay with being all wrong forever.
Band-aids don't work on hearts.

Good things aren't the only things that fall apart. Nobody starts out exactly where they need to be.
The journey is the best part, though it isn't always pretty.
"I'd rather be a lonely forest than a busy street."
We all can be ugly, we all can be beautiful.
Most importantly, we all can be whoever we want to be.

I want to stop obsessing over the wound and pay attention to the healing.
Accept the past, begin forgiving.
Trek the bumpy road ahead to self-love and recovery.

i want to empty my brain
free myself of never ending pain, the weight of these chains
i want to drive in the rain, never see the east coast again
wishing all this needless suffering could be forgotten
but is my past truly the root of why I feel so rotten?
is retaliation against these feelings of meaninglessness ever going to lift the curse?
any grandeur is a fantasy it's true I'm delusional. the cycling is endless, of this i am sure.
how can i reverse the sinking thinking that takes me so low my only answer is drinking?
making goals, feeling love, pulls me out from these holes I've dug.
my impatience is unsatisfied when i am reminded (as i always am) enlightenment and contentment take time

Not black
Distract
Ignore, destroy
Face the facts
Living last
Flailing, failing fast
Turn, burn, yearn
Emptiness so vast
Empty, half full glass
Race to complacency
Staples in my stomach
Staring at ceilings
Simplicity in feeling
What demands to be felt
Doing our best with the hands we’ve been dealt

Wild-eyed, sitting frozen
Feeling trapped in the life I’ve chosen
Revolting, molting, shedding dead skin
Shaking these bones, can never relax
I’ll never win.
Chagrin, baring my sins like the crooked smiles cloaking my lies.
I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine :)
Feel like I’m sinking, thinking of dirt, worms,
The grave I keep digging
Flinching at memories I wish meant nothing
Clinging to love I’m eternally lacking, somehow missing
Piiissing myself at the thought
Blissing out like a star in the sky
Lost in my own world, omitting the why’s
and who’s that got me here
Somehow I survived my 23rd year
Unwanted writer girl, suffocated by fear
Dreaming of drowning in beer
Lost in this loneliness
Regretting everything I’ve ever held dear.

Executive dysfunction
Blurred lines, blurred vision
Sleeping in the grass
Sun set / sun rise, time passing like morning dew eases away from forested valleys' lake.
Slipping away, like sand through my fingers, drift into space.
I'm living slowly, lonely these endlessly numbered days.
Dazed, hazy, wake bake skate.
Mindful meaning
Fleeting smiles sink into me
Can we stay for a while?
Grinning beneath unlucky skin
Sinner within undercover
No lover, no friends
No pool No Pets No Cigarettes
No sleep, finding safety beneath a poet-tree
Seeking sanctity in sacred places.
Harmony is heavenly
Rise and shine! Levitate and radiate!
Never trust tomorrow, embrace whatever comes of today.

Little girl will you come play with me?
These men you seek are not as they seem
Your hand is too close to that stove burning ever so bright
Little girl please stay close to my light

Little girl will you come play with me?
I can't see you behind the neon colored gleam
You need attention from the man in the white coat
Little girl hold me tight before you begin to float

Little girl will you come play with me?
It seems that I lost you while I was escaping in my dreams
You let me forget I was the reason for your good and bad
Little girl please let me in so I can take away your sad

Little girl will you come play with me?
Your dark rims reveal eyes that can't scream
Allow me to check in so I can finish my job
Little girl open that door unlock the ****

Little girl will you come play with me?
This time could be like old but we're on different teams
You hiss at my pride to which I ignore
Little girl I left because you would not open the door

Little girl will you come play with me?
I failed as your mother and I want to be redeemed
For a child is a child despite the height
Little girl I'm ready to be your daughter this night

There once was a illness from China
That spread through contact and saliva
Now we drink way too much
And stay inside to avoid touch
I’ll be a drunk at the end of this virus

i've barely even grown up
hardly old enough to drink

still this liquor smells bitter
as i pour it down the sink

i've lost everything now
only been sober a week

i think of my words now
before i decide to speak

these bruises have healed
with the cut on my cheek

not sure where they came from
i still can't seem to think

my eyes keep dripping
like a sink with a leak

i can't hold back these tears
no matter how much i blink

all i want is to turn to
that smooth amber drink

Sad days lie in wait
It's on those days that I create
A symphony of "what ifs" inside my mind
Like time can be turned back as easy
As it is on the watch on my wrist

Calculations of consequences come easy
When those consequences have been had
Past decisions determined to be detrimental
But they do not define who I am

Depression hits like bird **** on my shoulder
Random and a nuisance
Much like the burden of my drinking
Thinking things would change with the change
I spent on the Dark Eyes staring back at me

Connection to my feelings turned to self-reflection
Work that seemed pointless now brings satisfaction
Active participation helps me avoid temptation
Watching the seconds tick away deep in contemplation

I remember the little bottles
All lined up neatly on the floor next to me
Waiting to feel my hands around the cap
The little "crack" as the seal is broken

The room temperature liquid slowly emptied
Rushing down and giving warmth to my belly
False sense of numbness rising to my lips
Believing all the pain is gone

One after another, each little bottle giving it's life
The numbness turns to darkness...lights out
I awake to realize that nothing has changed
The pain I thought I chased away returns

The cycle repeats itself, pain grows stronger
Numbness is not easily attained, chased with more
Darkness is all I wish for, permanent like a sharpie
Sadness turns to rage, rage to shame

Fog sets all around my world
The darkness spreads, so much darkness
Shame turns to regret, regret to change
28 days cracking my skull to find the spark

The spark becomes an ember, glowing
Therapy and a hard look in the mirror provide the oxygen
It turns into a small flame, the light
The light pushes out the darkness

Fog rises up and becomes clouds on a sunny day
I see it all clearly now, life anew
The pain doesn't go away but is managed
Hard work, perseverance, honesty are my new friends

A Yukon Boy,
Becomes a Sober Man