Coughing,
grasping for walls
and promises I already broke.
Said I’d quit—
but tonight,
I wanted silence more than strength.

Panic hits,
then slips.
Your name dissolves
with every breath I steal from my lungs.
I wave off the world,
sink into smoke,
and call it peace.

One star streaks
across my high.
I don’t wish.
I just watch—
hoping morning forgets
like I finally did.

Drowning in your sorrows
Does it not make your heart feel hollow?
That feeling of emptiness once you finish that bottle and now your thoughts are more awful.
Your words bite me but yeah your message has been received.
Your tongue becomes toxic and your venom is making me grieve
Grieving for the mother that went astray, I wished the old you could've had stayed.
That sweet soul that is now out of control; now your heart is made out of coal.
Your eyes burn through mine as you scream and cry,  while you wait for me to give you a reply.
I have nothing to say except
I wish I didn't have to see my mother this way.

The first time,
You felt warm—
like hands on my shoulders
pulling me out
of my own mind.

You offered escape
in a form I could swallow.
You didn’t ask questions.
Didn’t care why I hurt.
You just promised I wouldn’t feel it.

And I believed you.

I let you in.
Again and again.
Until I forgot how to live
without you.

You were the only thing
that ever made it stop—
the noise,
the ache,
the weight of being me.
One hit,
and the world melted
into something I could finally survive.

I watched my life shrink,
choice by choice,
until all that was left
was the next high,
the next lie,
the next hollow nod toward nothing.

And when I ran out of money,
you ran out of mercy.
You left me alone
Empty
broken,
with no one but myself
and the thought of ending it all.

But the money ran out
long before the cravings did.
Withdrawals don’t care
about bank accounts
or promises.
They come like fire—
bones screaming,
skin crawling,
begging for your relief
in any form.

And so I did
what I swore I never would.

I laid down my worth
like loose change
and let strangers take what they wanted
in exchange for a high
that never lasted long enough
to forget what I’d done.

It didn’t feel like choice.
It felt like drowning,
like grabbing any hand I could
even if it pulled me deeper.

That was my rock bottom.
Not some dramatic fall—
just the quiet realization
that I had survived you

And somehow,
in the ruins,
I reached for help
instead of you.

Treatment didn’t fix me—
but it planted something
where you used to live:
hope.

Five years without you.

I clawed back from the edge
of the grave you dug for me.
I faced the rage you left behind,
the shame, the scars, the debt
you demanded in every breath.

And here’s the final blow:
I’m a paramedic now.
Despite the odds.
Despite your vendetta.
Despite the nights you tried to **** me.

I wear a uniform,
not to hide my past,
but to prove I survived it.
I carry Narcan on my back  
and hope in my hands.
I race into chaos
to save the ones you nearly stole—
because I know how precious
one more heartbeat can be.

I see your shadow in every overdose call,
in every lifeless face
I try to pull back from the dark.
You sit in the corner
while I force oxygen into their lungs
And push Narcan into their veins
smirking like the devil I once knew.
And I always say a big ******* I my head
When we get them back

Because you tried to **** me—
but I became a lifeline.

You almost had me.
But almost doesn’t count.

I’m still here.
And I am everything
you said I’d never be.

I'm an honest person for being your daughter
Which leaves me speechless sometimes,
Considering, it's you, who is my mother
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was your support
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was your love
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was for you to care
You're not the best influence for me,
and that's why I have to go as soon as I can
I have to go, far far far far far far away from you
There's just no getting through to you
I chose to be sober, I chose to be clean,
You choose to be addicted, and be forever mean
We are not one in the same, even if we share DNA
We are not one in the same, even if we have the same blood
I've tried throughout many years to get through to you
There's just no point, there's no use,
it's like talking to a **** wall
You're baggage is becoming too heavy,
and so now I'm choosing to let you fall
Because you are someone I can no longer be around
Every day you're trying to be an enabler
Every day you're trying to become a supplier
Every day you're trying your hardest to put me in the ground
And every day, I become more anticipated to break free
To break free from your voice, your sight, your touch, ugh,
Just to break free from you all around
This time, I'm not looking back, I can't fall back
I chose to be sober, I chose to be clean
I chose to do whatever it takes for me to be me
And to not be you, I don't want to feel numb anymore
I want to feel alive again, I want to be reborn
I want to feel the sun on my skin
I want to feel the wind beneath my wings
I want to do the things that I can't do when I'm around you
And it's because you make me feel, isolated, invisible,
That's what you have become to continuously do
I've told you multiple times I don't want to be popping pills
So stop fking asking me because I see red and the suddenly;
I get the urge to either hurt you, myself,
Or I get the urge to find something to ****
I escape this reality through my words,
so that I don't end up on the next 48
It just ***** so bad because
you're my mother who is spiteful
It just ***** so bad because
you're my mother who is broken beyond repair
I've tried too many times, I've wasted too many words
I've lost count of how many breaths I've taken
And now, I'm honestly to the point now, that I no longer care
You'll never know any of this, or how I truly feel
Because I can't be bothered enough to tell you to your face
I just know I'm going to continue to keep choosing to be sober,
And I just know that I'm going to continue to keep choosing to be clean
While you're already dying, because you're addicted and so mean
So what's it going to take? Isn't it already too late?
you'll soon find your resting place
You'll find it sooner rather than later;
because of the path you've chosen
The path that causes so much pain,
The path that causes so much hatred
The path that causes so much disgust and disgrace
I'm an honest person for being your daughter
Which sometimes leaves me speechless,
Because it's you, who is my mother.
Which really makes me wonder sometimes..
Am I… even really yours?


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025

i. descent

three years of
trial and tribulation

three years of
self-pity
and regret

i kept asking:
is there something
wrong with me?

am i my own
worst enemy?

am i my own
biggest threat?

three years ago,
i thought
i lost it all

a fall from grace
that put me
to the test.

ii. decision

i had
two options:



fail


or


try my best


to not be
a part of
the problem

to let the past
be the past

and
lay it all
to rest.

iii. healing

as the years
went by,

i learned
to break free

i learned
to forgive my
past

so the bad dreams
could finally
drift away

and i
can finally

be at peace,

at last.

I wanna stop.
I don’t wanna stop—
at the same time.

Somebody stop me
Somebody drag me
from this whirlpool of glass & shame.

Somebody stop me
Somebody stop me—
from going blind,
eyeless, bound in chains.

Somebody stop me
from slipping in vain.

Oh, my f~cked-up soul—
my drunk, derailed brain.

Chasing Sera Tonin
But she’s too far to reach.
Legs are gelatin, blood loss adrenaline
Need to feel whole again,
Call out with an SOS, there’s-
A man down needing his medicine.

There you go again,
Chasing Sera Tonin
Needle hits the record
Repeating the patterns.
Time slows to a stalled crawl
As eyes roll back and it feels like
Every atom is a bomb when the veins go
Exploding for a bit of her glow.

You’re a dope I mean,
Really look at you in that mirror,
Does it ever reflect a person you recognize
Or is the vision never getting clearer?
Chasing Sera Tonin,
Nasal passages cut from granules
Brain feeling the weight of -
Everything intangible,
Will the narcan angels flash their neon
Just to give you your wings?

Send out the SOS
Oh, there’s a man,
He needs his medicine

Chasing Sera Tonin
You’ll never catch her,
You’re a dope I mean,
And you won’t receive her
With polluted receptors