Man.. this one seems like a big one.
Last year was one of the worst.
Still struggling..
Gasping for air.

I’m ******* fightin’!
The grasp on me right now
Is so ******* intense..

I can ******* do this.
I’ve harshed the weather of the storm.
..but I keep getting back up.
Yes, this is rock bottom.

I wasn’t supposed to
Be alive this long.
I have fought many battles
In this ****** up life.
Today is no different.

I will rise up.
I am no longer a victim
Of this insidious reality.

Speak up.
Use your voice.
Take that hand..

YOU are the solution.
In order to get there
You just fight & grow.

Year 35…
I AN GOING TO THRIVE ✨✨

I was so curious.
I felt free.
There was warmth..

So I thought.

Things start
to blur & cloud.
I thought this
was the light I needed.

I fell hard
& fast.
Deeper I go.
The light dims..

What have I done?
What is this place?
There must be
a way out.

I'm clawing, jumping,
gasping for air.
I see the surface.

I push harder,
but still no luck.

There appears a hand
as to reach for me.
I grab hold tight.

I slip as the
current pulls
me down.
I feel trapped.

I feel hopeless
& lonely.
But I cannot
give up.

I see a second
& then a third
hand plunge
down into the water.

I can suddenly breathe!
I'm alive!

I have found my people.
No longer feeling lonely.
The way has been shown.

..here comes the darkness.
Seeping in every corner.
Covering me like a blanket.

I feel numb,
yet on fire within
a void.

My body &
mind slow down.
& my stomach
in my throat.

I cannot tell
what I'm feeling.
But it's lonely
& dark here.

I cry a thousand tears of pain.
I can barely breathe.

I remember what
someone once
told me.

So I take
3 deep breathes,
close my eyes,
& hold myself close.

This won't last forever.
I know I can fight this.

We've done this
dance many
times before.

I hug myself tighter
as I begin to smile.

I have Bipolar.
My Bipolar does not
have me.

I tell myself
this over & over..

I open my eyes & sigh deeply.

It's going to be okay.
We WILL heal from this.

There's one thing that's perfectly clear.
I have been smoke-free for one year.
The last cigarette that I smoked was in 2023 at 11:45 PM on New Year's Eve.
I stopped smoking and you can quit even though it may be hard to believe.
Please let it be your New Year's resolution to stop smoking.
I was able to kick the habit and so can you and I'm not joking.

What substance was it?

The culmination of diamond-like shards
crushed and, then, melted into a precarious liquid
a liquid that follows the sway of a glass sphere attached to a glass stem
the end of which is rested between my lips
the length of the stem, itself, is clutched and rested between my index finger and my thumb
large clouds of odorless smoke besets the circumference of my bust as I exhale
immediate!
This substance will soon serenade the totality of my biology’s neurology.
Break that pipe now!
Simple glass that can be stepped on
crushed beneath feet!

What substance was that?
A human is free now
emancipated
the new substance of their affection is sobriety!

Author’s note: please, abate or diminish your substance abuse, if you have one. And, despite what I have alluded to within this poem, “sobriety” is never easily obtained, yet, it is very much worth the effort to obtain it.

If they knew what happened yesterday
What would they say?
What would she say to her man
If everything went according to the plan?

If she knew the pain i feel
Would she still think it's not real?
Would she regret the things he had done?
If after all of this, i will be gone.

Lost in addictions
And my own sorrow
My whole life a fiction,
With no tomorrow.

I write this words for me to remember
That i was once a child as well.
About what happened this December
And that i went through hell.

Infinity stares back from the dark recess of obscurity
The eye that I see staring in the mirror
A faded juxtaposition reversing my faded reflection
So that I might see the me everyone else sees

Aghast at my ghastly facade
Hands trembling at the realization that this was a hallucination
And reality was just a blink away
The slow drip from the nasal cavity nauseated me
Brown bile seeped from my lips
Dribbling down my chin as two snakes tangled
Slowly suffocating me as they began constricting
Causing blood vessels in my eyes to pop from the pressure

Floating black dots consumed my sight
Tarantulas creeped and crawled upon my skin
Fine hairs tickling the tip of my nose
As it began to melt under each curved claw
Dripping in time with the sickening drops
As I gasped for air in a panicked frenzy
Vigorously washing with water in a vain attempt
To rest reality back from the grips of delusion

This time the mirror stared back
Silence... Utter silence... Then sorrow...
Crimson tears streaked down my face at the realization
That I had somehow become lost along the way of life
I had lost the I in me, deluded to the point I blinded myself to see
Anything to attempt to cover up the pain
Of being less than that man in the mirror I see
Knowing his heart has a limitless potential
That I have caused to clot in hard callouses
Self sabotaging any hope I have to get away from it all
And achieve anything of worth

I scream at myself
Wavering between laughing and sobbing
The glass shatters

There I am in pieces
Each shard a mime of a different time
Razor sharp portals

To who I was
And the fear and loathing
That led me to where I am