I have just taken the first breath of fresh air after being held underwater for so long that I thought for sure I was going to die.
I could’ve sworn I’d already gotten out of the water a long time ago,
I remember fighting for so long to swim out,
But no, I remember now.

Just as I had caught sight of the shore there was a man there rushing to help me out.
Thank god because I was exhausted after fighting so hard for so long,
I do not know if I could’ve gotten out without help, and I told him as much.
He offered me such kindness that it seemed easy to put my trust in him,
And so I did.

I looked over my shoulder one last time to take in the place I had run from and prepared to say my final goodbyes to it,
After all there had been good memories made here too,
Before I had been pushed in,
Although those seemed like forever ago now.

I take a deep breath and start to turn my head forward once again,
But all of a sudden my legs are no longer there on the ground holding me up.
I do not know what is going on but the water surrounding me threatening to enter my lungs feels so familiar,
I almost let it consume me.

I did not even realize I was being held under until he loosened his grip for what was only a moment,
But that was all it took for me to take that first breath and run.

When you fall in love with a mean man you’ll find yourself truly believing that you deserve the misery. The fighting, the hurt and the crying feels all too consistent. Uneasy becomes your default setting as you find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid the anger. You’ll forget how you once loved the sensation of skin-to-skin contact the more you catch yourself flinching at his touch. When he points out that you’ve gotten distant you wont even notice how guilt melts into consent as he takes what he tells you he deserves. It’s alright, he loves you. 
If you’re anything like me you’ll believe that you’re not enough. You’ll believe that it’s your fault when he starts a fight. If only you could do better, then he’d have no reason to be upset. You wont believe it when your mom tells you it isn’t healthy to come home crying every time you see him. You wont believe your friends when they tell you that you deserve better than a possessive man who won’t let you out of his sight. Worst of all, you certainly wont believe yourself when you’re brain is screaming that you cant take it anymore; because your heart is screaming even louder, “He loves me!”

You thought you had me
Wrapped around your finger-
You tried to control me-
Isolate me-
Use me-
Manipluate me-
You thought I would do everything for you-
You thought I couldn’t leave-
I have one question-
How well did that turn out?

Your door wasn’t locked
and I wasn’t going to wait

Not after I sprinted here,
that’s quite a long way

I’ve run 3 kilometres just to see you

Kiss my shoe, be grateful.
Surely I am owed some compensation
For my extensive dedication

I’ll take advantage
the only time I know you’re weak
You can’t set boundaries
when you’re asleep

Your vulnerability makes me greedy
the thought of you subdued,
****. Debilitated and unconscious
Entitled, I claim that time with you

"Thanks!", I tell the rope that promises to hold me, tight,
Unbeknownst, being strangled, that I won't survive the night.

Lipstick stains all over your mouth mixed with drawn blood as your tongue crashed violently around my insides
As you traveled
you left behind your mark as if I were something to be discovered
Some the size of Ireland
Others the size of Australia
When the sunlight reflects on our window, I am reminded that it is my time to be vulnerable
Rubbing orange peels on my aching body as if there were a bad spirit that needed to be warded off
Your nose would scrunch up,
but even still your amber eyes seemed ready to sap away my soul
Leaving behind a husk of a body
My straw hair falling off each limb
just like the leaves gathered on the forest floor
I longed to crush them under my sole
The marks on my body seem to have started to absorb the yellow from your eyes
I can’t seem to get rid of you
The avocado toast in the mornings only seem to fill me up temporarily before they are all expelled
Oh how quickly avocados turn ugly!
My nostrils are filling with an emptiness that is cold and engulfing
My head is a boat
I will sail away even if I’m tattered
The raging storm lurks behind me and threatens to end us both
But I know behind those dark clouds
there will be an array of colors
waiting for my happy ending to be painted

(m.p)