"So tonight I decided that everyday I'd try and write one thing people don't know about me.

It's hard for me to remember my past, so I associate different songs for different memories. Kisses Over Babylon by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros played when I was on my way to confront him that day. It fueled my rage and I remember feeling the surge of adrenaline as my heart picked up pace. Shark Attack by Grouplove played when I had my first magical, starstruck kiss. And Wake Up by Arcade Fire played when I realized I was in love for the first time.

It's extremely easy for me to memorize lines, lyrics, stories, just about anything. I still remember my lines from my first play 5 years ago.

I'm afraid of drowning. I even dislike drinking tall glasses of water or take giant gulps.

I've read more books than I've seen movies! My favorite book is Speak by Laurie Anderson. (Fav. movie is Requiem for a Dream)

Ever since it happened I've felt like I'm always performing. Always putting on a face and that I must always be this perfect, bright, happy, and outgoing girl. Like it would be a sin for me not to smile. I feel if I'm not acting happy and **** and smart and outgoing and cute and funny that they are winning. That the person/people who did everything they could to tare me apart are laughing at my weakness and lack of confidence.

I have depression.

I'm very empathetic, but sad to say, I rarely feel sympathy for someone.

I love a lot more people than I should. That tends to come back to hurt me.

I'm constantly craving food but I have to make myself eat.

I never intended on posting this.. but I'm going to."

I have thee best relationship


With my *******.


Shouldn't you?

Broke away
His burden.
Plough twisted.
I know, they know.

Looking back at these poems
Years since the first
I have amnesia.

Is this what time does?
Heals you in such a way that you can't pin point which heart break or what person you were talking about?

What was I doing this year? What happened that year?

I know my life but the time line no longer exists.
I have amnesia.

Her hair was like a sunset,
Dark red sand that faded
into the golden silk of sunlight.
The wind passed her cheek bones
to the nape of her neck,
touching blush skin through her
blouse.
Her eyes were hazel with specks of
sunflowers as she walked through
the night.
And like the night she walked,
With love at her side and wrath in her hands.
Her lips were smoke-- a cigar with
flames of pure madness.
A madness that comes then dances
around you in a wild blaze of
anthropometry.
Testing your empty soul and filling you
with hope,
Then dousing your feet with charcoal.
You begin to walk with her,
leaving your mark on the land.
Your charcoal feet.
Her hands of wrath.
Your empty soul,
and her sunflower eyes.

"The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you."

-Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn

You know
I have come to realize that
The people who care
Are easily picked out from
The people that don't.

Maybe the people that don't
Are lying to themselves
And tell themselves they do care
But in reality they don't.

I can tell.
Because when I tell someone

I write poetry.
It's an emotional release for me.
I post the poems on a website.

The people who care
Will actually go and read
My poems.

That's how I know.
I know someone cares.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend
Right.

Cut like diamonds
Slit
Grind like diamonds
Smack
Take like diamonds
Rush

Driving in like a hammer
Your pick into my skull
Jaw split, Achilles rip
Fall to the ground
Then you are crowned

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

My blood is racing.
Dancing hot and lacing
Drugs with love and then facing
What it means to be
A diamond.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

With each deed
I die
With each bite
I lie
With each breath
I fly.

Why are diamonds a girl's best friend?

Don't you remember the past?
That aching feeling,
Regret at last?

Overwhelming rage,
Numbing inside?
Burning that page
You can't hide?

Broken again?
The heart that misses,
Increasing pain,
Longing those kisses.

She remembers.

My hair looks like a veil
Straight as a sheet of ice
As I walk through the parking lot
To get my only vice.
The light of a cigar
A moment of pure silence
To wonder how many times
I've had to die since
The time when the kisses hurt,
The slaps felt clean
The taste of dirt
As I lied in between
The leaves of fall
Fingers went numb
Always and again to
became a doll.

Enough.
One day that's what I'll be.
Enough.
Enough for you,
Enough for my friends,
Enough for someone.

One day
Me being me
Will be
Enough.

Someone will walk through that door,
Look at me,
And love me.
I will be
Enough.
And they will be
Enough
For me.

I won't have to fight
To be recognized.
They will be everything
I have every dreamed,
And I will be everything
They have ever dreamed.

I will be
Enough.

Goodbye
and
Goodnight

Although we will be states apart
I hope we'll never stay apart.

I'll see you just as I always have,
In the moonlight,
Where trains roar
As the crunch of leaves echo beneath my feet.

Laughing through the smoke
As I hope not to choke
On words I try to hold back
About memories they attack.

I'll be here
And you'll be there.

I know you must be angry,
You must be hurt.
But realize I feel like dirt
For acting without a care.

Just remember I'm always here
To go on an adventure
Have no fear.

Think of me when you're on your way
Back home
For the summer to stay.

I'll be here.
Waiting for the next time
We get to go on an
Adventure.

Goodbye
And
Goodnight

Old Friend

To the person who this is about

I miss you.

To the person who thinks this is about them

It's not you.

I'm scared. I'm scared of being in a relationship.
Just one word that shakes my knees
And brings tears to my eyes.
I'm scared of a relationship.
And who could blame me?
After what I consider a relationship,
No one would want to even spit the word.

I'm scared of being tied down.
Of giving everything up for Someone
Who can take what they want and leave.

I'm scared of being Numb.
Of falling so deep into depression
That nothing but sweet pain
Draws me out of the Abyss.
All of this
because of a relationship.

I promised myself I'd never let someone
Affect me like that Again.
To let him scratch, burn, cut
Deep enough to leave scars.
To give everything
And to do so freely upon the will of a
Boy.
So destructive in his own thoughts
That even I could see him fraying at the edges.

To let someone hurt me in their own Game.
To fall so deep in love that you
Can't see what's going on all around You
dying at the hands of someone you love.
yet no one knows.
Not even him.

For he is too stricken with a somber, anger, and his own demons
To notice what he does to you.
Excuses upon excuses you make for him
Until the day it all goes up in flames and you thought
It couldn't be worse.
Than this.

Since then I've just been floating.
Recovering.
Refilling every crevice of my heart with the glue of a new life
In the hopes that with the starting of every day it will hold,
Being scared still has never left me.

Please understand why I'm scared.

It's okay
It's okay
It's okay

To be sad.

Acknowledge the pain.
Acknowledge the confusion.
Acknowledge the fear.

It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.

Repeat.

Only let a couple tears fall.
Those are the only ones you can afford.
At this moment.

It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.

To be sad.

Satin red stains my finger tips,
The feeling echoes from my skin.
Drips of a fountain consume me.
Trapped.
My heart yells out in pain.
Uttered in swirls of lies.
Painted words in black choke light.
I reach
Save it
Pushed away
Leave me
Lifeless body floating in water.
Eyes darker than black,
Stare at me.
Screaming.
From my own lifeless lips.
Pale and cold.

Let us wonder
What life would be like if the past was different.
What if I had never met you?
Then I wouldn't be who I am today.
But I wouldn't be in pain because of you.
What if we had never fallen in love?
Then I wouldn't know the wholeness of being completed by another.
But then I wouldn't be completely in pieces.
What if you had been faithful?
Then I'd be blind to the evils of the world.
And I'd never grow strong.
What if you had been truthful?
Then I would've believed you always.
But I'd never know that lies can ****.
What if you had been thoughtful?
Then I would've known what it felt like to be loved unconditionally.
But I would never learn how to love myself.
What would've happened if you never fell out of love with me?
Then maybe I'd be happy.
But I wouldn't be free.

Let us wonder what it would be like,
To be trapped in a never ending chain of anger, melancholy, tears, cuts, hits, cuss words, lies, jealousy, pain, depression.

Let Us Wonder!

Closing in
On a deep thought,
Always there
To make me rot.
Never ending pain
That seems to burrow.
Oh my heart,
It fills with sorrow.
It spreads like fire,
In my heart it fills,
Consumed by desire,
Every moment it kills.

Maybe one day you'll change
And I'll be able to see that change from the distance I now stand from you.
But right now all I can see is the same ripple of emotional manipulation and complete chaos you've always thrown upon your life
I once chose to stand and be a witness to your madness
Falling under the roar of thunder and never-ending rain
I stayed because my own love for caring for you fogged my vision

Maybe one day you'll change
And I'll be able to see that change from the distance I now stand from you.
As I walk farther away part of me hopes you will acknowledge your mistakes and take action to change your destiny
The other part in me prays the universe ends you in a fiery demise.

Maybe one day you'll change
And I will no longer remember
Pain
Sorrow
Anger
Hopelessness
Your name.

"Maybe just a little taste
Is that too much to ask?

A little taste of love tonight
I'll take it in a flask.

Seems to me my luck runs out
They never seem to stay.

Once dawn breaks on high
I stand in disarray.

I pick up my heart and climb the stairs
waiting for new love.

Maybe just a little taste
I'll take it in a hug."

She wished for him to be perfect,
for him to be safe, and for him to love her.
He used her want for lust and comfort in his
own awful, selfish games. Never will he be
wished for, lusted for, or wanted by her again.
Once more she must pick up the broken pieces
of her heart and carry them to another.
On her way to a new life and a new way.

Tonight you be it
Not me.
You'll be ****** by rage,
Drowned by sorrow,
And fed by vengeance.
You'll take the first plunge,
Pop the first pill,
Take the first shot.
And you'll feel the cuts,
The bruises,
The pain.
Not me.
Tonight you'll be the one
To cry..
Not me.

Come with me,
My love.
To the sea,
The sea of love.
I want to tell you,
How much I love you.

Have you ever wanted to just jump into another's life?
You see someone on the street smiling, holding hands, kissing the one they love
You push them out and take their place
Filling their life as your own.
And for a couple days you're completely hopeful and confident in your new life.

But suddenly you see
Their life isn't as beautiful and full as it seemed.
Because behind the smiles and kisses the truth lies
The truth that no one's life is perfect and everyone has secrets
They keep hidden in their minds.

Secrets that consume them at night and send them in a swirl
Secrets that
Scratch their skin
Burn their brains
Bite their lips
Pull their hair
Slam their fists.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent.

George Gordon, Lord Byron (1788-1824)

Sorrow is something that can only be described as a flood.
A flood that leaks slowly into your heart,
Then all at once breaks open the gates and drowns your soul.

Rage is quite the opposite.
It comes in stone,
Like a beating.
Hot to the touch
An infinity of flames.

Despair is neither.
Not an act of overwhelming sorrow or bruising rage.
It merely sits and waits for the ****.
Scratching at hope one tick of the time.
Acts as an accomplice with your own wicked thoughts
To **** you.

Love slips
Wet kiss
Am I awake?
Or did I miss
The aching feeling
And laughter inside
That makes me glide
On soaring mountains
Towering high
You came out of no where
Suddenly you were me
Smart
Funny
Intelligent
Kind
Understanding
Where did you hide
For 18 years of my life?
Wet kiss
Hot bliss
One more taste of the night
And you will be missed.

Maybe I'm looking too hard.
Looking too hard for love.
Maybe I'm thinking too much.
Thinking too much about what to do
And how to find you.
Maybe I'm looking too hard for what's infront of me.
Looking too hard for this.

Tonight we went to the forest
Cold and dry
The cracked earth was sighing relief when we came walking
Cigars in hand
Alcohol in our blood
Shifting ground
Toppling over ecstasy
You called my name
And I fell from the earth.

Why is it so hard to write poetry when I'm happy?
When I'm content?
When I'm gloriously in love?

Is it a requirement that I be in rage, in sorrow, in pain?
Drunk? High? Comatose?

Can I just not find the right words to describe my feelings?
Or maybe I don't need this outlet when I'm happy. I don't need to cut my emotions from my chest and attach them to words. I want my emotions here with me.

You have to make your own happiness.

I dont even know anymore, man

Everything is written.

You waking up in the morning wondering what the day holds.
The day has already been written for you.
Now it is your chance to discover it.

Everything is written.
Nothing is accidental.
Nothing is a coincidence.

Your love.
Your sadness.
Your hope.
Your failures.

They have all been written.
And you the character to finish them.
The world the reader.
Everything is written.

Yesterday I thought about you
El Taxi was played at the gay bar
And I thought of you
I was your first kiss
You weren't out to your parents.

I'm drunk.
I can't believe you left, that you chose to leave.

Im sorry that you felt you had to die.
I'm so so sorry..

I'll never forget how you taught me how to dance bachata.
You were beautiful.
You were so smart and kind.
I miss you and I'm sorry you felt like you needed to die.
I'm so sorry Icel

You shouldn't do this to someone who loves you.

To someone who is trying to love you.

You forgot
You've forgotten
You forget.

You've forgotten how this felt.
How it felt to have a person you love so dearly
Ignore you
Hurt you
Betray you

Walk away when all you needed was someone to talk to
Walk away when all you needed was someone to love.
And you were loving them.

You've forgotten the pain
to be traumatized
to be numb
to be hopeless.

And nothing but pure rage can get you up in the morning,
To stop you from crying in order to go to class.

You forgot that you've been through something like this.
That once, a long time ago, you went through the same manipulation,
The same heartbreak.

You nearly ended your life then, and now all you can do is try to not go down the path.
No one can save you except yourself,
But you've forgotten.