Jan 2015
I'm scared. I'm scared of being in a relationship.
Just one word that shakes my knees
And brings tears to my eyes.
I'm scared of a relationship.
And who could blame me?
After what I consider a relationship,
No one would want to even spit the word.
I'm scared of being tied down.
Of giving everything up for Someone
Who can take what they want and leave.
I'm scared of being Numb.
Of falling so deep into depression
That nothing but sweet pain
Draws me out of the Abyss.
All of this
because of a relationship.
I promised myself I'd never let someone
Affect me like that Again.
To let him scratch, burn, cut
Deep enough to leave scars.
To give everything
And to do so freely upon the will of a
Boy.
So destructive in his own thoughts
That even I could see him fraying at the edges.
To let someone hurt me in their own Game.
To fall so deep in love that you
Can't see what's going on all around You
dying at the hands of someone you love.
yet no one knows.
Not even him.
For he is too stricken with a somber, anger, and his own demons
To notice what he does to you.
Excuses upon excuses you make for him
Until the day it all goes up in flames and you thought
It couldn't be worse.
Than this.
Since then I've just been floating.
Recovering.
Refilling every crevice of my heart with the glue of a new life
In the hopes that with the starting of every day it will hold,
Being scared still has never left me.
Please understand why I'm scared.
Just one word that shakes my knees
And brings tears to my eyes.
I'm scared of a relationship.
And who could blame me?
After what I consider a relationship,
No one would want to even spit the word.
I'm scared of being tied down.
Of giving everything up for Someone
Who can take what they want and leave.
I'm scared of being Numb.
Of falling so deep into depression
That nothing but sweet pain
Draws me out of the Abyss.
All of this
because of a relationship.
I promised myself I'd never let someone
Affect me like that Again.
To let him scratch, burn, cut
Deep enough to leave scars.
To give everything
And to do so freely upon the will of a
Boy.
So destructive in his own thoughts
That even I could see him fraying at the edges.
To let someone hurt me in their own Game.
To fall so deep in love that you
Can't see what's going on all around You
dying at the hands of someone you love.
yet no one knows.
Not even him.
For he is too stricken with a somber, anger, and his own demons
To notice what he does to you.
Excuses upon excuses you make for him
Until the day it all goes up in flames and you thought
It couldn't be worse.
Than this.
Since then I've just been floating.
Recovering.
Refilling every crevice of my heart with the glue of a new life
In the hopes that with the starting of every day it will hold,
Being scared still has never left me.
Please understand why I'm scared.
I write this because at one point in time it was too hard to speak a word of what had happened. It hasn't even been a year since. Now moving to a different state it's hard to let my past follow me, but this is something the people who care about me should know. I was in an abusive relationship for a year and 4 months. He was my best friend all through out high school. After trying to end the relationship multiple times I finally had enough when I found out he had cheated on me with one of my friends on New Year's Eve. Writing it out in such plain words makes it seem so simple. I suppose the simplest terms could be the most dramatic in this sense.
Written by
Anna Falls
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