Peace is giving,
Fading,
Quenched by the patient black,
As always I had thought myself free,
A bird released from its cage into a room with no windows,
Free for the moment,
Imprisoned the next,
Clipped wings and a silent song,
At least you'd think so...

I'm plagued by fake smiles and false promises, thought poor because I can't quite pay attention,
Maybe if you'd pay attention to me we could share in the wealth of each other,
...But I'm not quite worth your time.

I breathed in the idea,
Like smoke it filled my lungs,
Killed me slowly,
Stripped away skin,
Diluted flesh...

I'd tell you how I feel,
But all I feel is cheated,
And your attention is like a sigh,
A gust of wind strong enough to send yesterday's newspaper to the bottom of the bin,
I'm old news,
And I never made the front page,
And you don't even read the paper.

Yesterday's absence is a tribute to you,
A sly reference to your biggest punchline,
You punch like Mike-*******-Tyson,
Your apathy a clenched fist,
Striking my ribs and leaving me breathless,
I never was any good at boxing,
And I could never take a swing at you.

I'm down for the count,
Because you can count on me,
And the same can't be said of you,
Because I take hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit after hit afteeeeer hit... and then I take a few more,
Because I can't stop thinking,
Because the last guy ****** you over and I don't want to be the last guy to the next me.

You're not my experience, no, I am yours,
I was a new jacket that got old far too quickly,
A cigarette smoked because, ****? who doesn't smoke these days?
I am and only ever was... Temporary.

That tree we carved our initials into was cut down to make room for a ******* liquor store,
An ironic twist, an easy fix,
I was only ever a distraction,
Another bottle,
You dropped me just to see if Id break...
And I did.

Your knuckles still knock the wind from me every time I'm overlooked,
Still graze my cheeks with every impatient sigh,
You still punch like Mike-*******-Tyson.

I can't tell whether I'm sorry or just ******,
The only thing I know is that I surely won't be missed,
At least not by you dad, at least not by you,
And hell ain't it sad that all I ever seem to do
Is disappoint you time and again,
Always just a failure, a boy amongst men,
Forever looked down on from you so high above,
All I ever wanted was my fathers love, I heard those words maybe once, maybe twice,
"I'm proud of you son"
They gripped my heart like a vice,
But those days are past and mine are now numbered,
I'm sorry I couldn't be the son that you'd always wanted...

I wonder do you hate me? I think I might hate you,
But it's not your fault, I know that to be true,
As I know that my bloods red and my feelings are a kaleidoscope of blue,
I fell when you pushed me, where the son you wanted would have flew,
And I'm so sincerely sorry I ever did this to you...

I wonder if you'll visit me, when I am just a gravestone,
I don't hold out much hope, it was never really my home,
I was just a stranger, you didn't care to know,
And despite how much I wish you would I never once let it show...

I'm gonna wrap this up 'coz I hear your car on the driveway,
A good thing too as I'm almost out of things to say,
I don't know what's next, I'm a doubtful atheist,
I guess It'd be a waste of time if I prayed to a god that don't exist...

True to my nature I ****** up,
I gave in to my lesser desires, I gave up common sense.
I gave to the tide,
I went under.

As though in quicksand I sunk,
Thrashing,
Death throes.
I'm grasping at straws,
At snapped telephone wires,
Pulse distortion,
Just a touch away,
It's beckoning,
And oh so appealing.

What I wouldn't do for a little peace of mind.
Shocking!
Isn't it?
The attraction of interaction,
The constant presence or lack there of,
The desire, the distance...

Unsure of my footing I falter,
A newborn lamb, learning to hold it's own weight,
An adolescent, still learning.
Where did I go wrong?
How do I go right?
What option have I left?

Forever fearful,
Of what's beneath the bed,
Of what's in my head.

Are you leaving?

There's not much left to leave,
Running out of patience,
Running,
Nowhere to go,
Can't stop,
Can't stand,
Falling...

You are a sore thumb,
Pressed hard against my eye,
You blind me,
Unique in your affect,
Your image,
Branding,
Thoughts of you linger,
Ink stained fingers brush my eyelids,
And ink stains them still,
I see you in my sleep...

There aren't enough crystals in the world to cleanse this mind,
Nor enough bandages to keep the skin on these knuckles,
There isn't enough sugar to hide the bitter taste in this mouth,
There isn't enough,
This life is lacking...

You called me your moon,
Knowing I didn't sleep very much,
Like I watched over you at night,
Like I kept the shadows at bay,
Like I could see you more than a handful of times a year,
I,
I think of you often.
You're an entire galaxy,
But the sky's the limit...
I could never get enough of you,
And you could barely comprehend my existence,
You see me, looking at you
And you smile,
But you don't see me,
I thought you did,
I thought a lot, think a lot,
Maybe I'm getting mixed signals,
Electrochemical signals,
Neurons transmitting to neurons,
Misperception or mere deception?
You're so much more than I could ever hope to have and,
I... Shudder,

You called me your moon,
Knowing I didn't sleep very much,
Except now you're one of the reasons why,
You're coffee,
Just more addictive,
More attractive,
And it's easier to sleep with caffeine in my veins than you in my mind.

You're a drug disguised as a sugar cube,
The craving came as a shock,
And hangs over like a storm cloud.

You like roses,
I didn't know you liked the thorns too,
I never even considered that you'd find your way through the briar,
That you'd find your way into my head.

You called me your moon,
Knowing I don't sleep very much.

But the moon is a beautiful thing.

Zoos the size of cities,
We are the domesticated cattle,
I am a beast in captivity,
Pacing the confines of my enclosure,
My cage,
Like lemmings we march towards the cliffs edge without hesitation,
Will you fall?
Death or detainment,
The choices they offer us,
I denied them the satisfaction,
They denied me my sanity,
I am a spectacle none seem interested in,
Sidewalks, shopping malls,
Natural habitats,
The endangering species.
**** or be killed,
Use or be used,
We each climb a ladder,
A ladder of corpses,
Our victims take us higher,
You take or you are left with nothing,
Time ticks on.
Instincts are dulled, nails against stone,
Blunted swords,
Bloated stomachs,
Rotting minds.
The precious governed.
Flocks of people,
Sheep to the slaughter,
Imprisoned in the set standard of normal life.
Go to school,
Grow up,
Get a job,
Grow old,
Die.
Rinse and repeat.
Survival is paying off the mortgage,
Success is sustained marriage,
Control has an altogether different meaning than it used to.
We are not in control,
Though we have the power to take it.

I'm losing my ******* mind,
I'm afraid to sleep,
Afraid to dream,
I'm plagued nightly,
Terrors behind my eyelids,
Disappointment painted on every face I pass,
Runt of the litter,
I'm nothing,
I'm terrified,
Afraid to sleep,
Wake up hiding,
Afraid of the dead,
Dead and buried,
They won't stay buried,
I'm losing my ******* mind.

I don't know who I am anymore,
Too many masks,
Too much deceit,
I'm revolting,
I preach honesty,
And lie with every smile,
Does it reach my eyes?
Can you bear to look into them?
Tell me you've never lost sleep over what if's,
I'm losing sleep,
Losing time,
Who the **** am I?
Do you dream?
Do you recall?
I see dreams in daylight,
Hear noises others can't,
Am I awake?
Am I asleep?
No running,
Nowhere to run,
I'm running out of time,
What time is it?
Is this a cry for help?
Is there anything that can help?
Sleepless,
Helpless,
Hopeless,
Loveless.

I'm losing my ******* mind.

You are the sun in my eyes,
As I cross the road,
You make my life a gamble,
A toss of the coin I regret not giving to the beggar because of some ******* excuse I made up to ease the guilt,
Warm on my skin, you're fire to my cornea,
Nothing but a beautiful distraction,
But then, I don't look away...

You're my life in tatters,
The angry landlord I'm too broke to pay,
You're the food that is ash in my mouth and cement in my stomach,
You're not good for me, but I'd be worse without.

I tell people I don't have an addictive personality,
Without really understanding what that means,
I've never been dependant on drugs or alcohol,
A month ago I could say with pride that I'd never held a cigarette between my lips,
A month ago suddenly seems like a long time...

I don't rely on anything,
Another lie.
My addiction is my attraction,
My distraction,
As soon as the feeling blooms,
I condemn myself,
To nights in the dark,
To nights spent alone,
Wishing they weren't.
Do you think of me,
As much as I think of you?
Does anyone think of me in the same magnitude as I do them?
I doubt it.
I'm a thinker,
Who wishes he weren't,
I struggle with it,
With the power play that is my sanity,
I produce thoughts but I do not control them,
They control me,
Or they would if I gave them an inch.

My mind is a battlefield,
Strewn with corpses and bullet casings,
Trenches and craters,
I'm stuck in a war with myself,
I'm always on the losing side.
Losing...
I'm losing it,
Losing friends, losing respect,
Losing myself in my fears.

Who the **** do you think you are?
To smile at me like that,
You have such a beautiful smile...
Get out of my head!
There's too many of you in here already,
Fighting for space,
Fighting for the hell of it,
Peace is something I remember,
But I haven't felt it in awhile,
Anger is something I know,
Burning my throat,
Bringing forth gouts of flame,
In words meant to harm,
Meant to hurt,
I want you to hurt,
Like I hurt,
Like I burn,
A walking inferno,
Won't someone ***** me out?

When I was young,
A toddler,
I pressed my hand to the glass of the fireplace,
And I felt pain,
And I screamed,
And my parents were there in an instant,
And I was cared for.

When I was in my teens,
The war was in it's early days,
I pressed a lighter against my skin,
And I felt pain,
And I felt calm,
And I gasped,
And no one was there to tell me not to,
And no one cared.
And I did it again,
And once more.

They say scars tell stories,
And I guess that's true,
But no one wants to listen to mine,
And the ending is always the same,
I'm nothing but a cliché,
And I guess that makes you one too.

I'm sick of myself,
And I'm sick of you,
And I'm sick of worrying about you,
And I'm sick of worrying about others,
And I'm sick.

I'm alone,
In a crowd,
Don't you dare say you understand,
We think differently,
Feel differently,
You understand nothing of what I'm going through,
I wish you ******* did.

I'm there for you,
Safety netting should you fall,
Once the dangers passed,
And you don't need me,
I'm packed away and forgotten,
Until next you take to the tightrope.

I've been thinking of rope lately,
And dizzying heights,
And free fall,
Where's my safety netting?
If a tree falls in a forest,
And no one is around to hear it,
Does it make a sound?
If I jump off a cliff,
In the middle of nowhere,
And no one is around to hear it,
Will I make a sound,
When I hit the ground?

Would anyone care?
I doubt it.

I'm terrified of the prospect,
The idea,
The monster tapping on my window,
Gnarled bark or gnarled nails,
Carving into my skin,
You're stripping me bare,
I'm baring my teeth,
Wolves at the door,
You're knocking on my door like a Jehovah's Witness,
Like you have something to preach of,
Like I'll give you the time of day,
Which I will,
Every single day,
You find yourself knocking on my door.

A let down sick of being let down,
Sick of getting up,
I'll lie in the dirt,
In the reawakened realisation that I'm not worth the time
Until lies give me the strength,
Or false hope to climb to my feet again,
Just to be let down,
And ***** my back once more.

You are a golden ticket,
For a false lottery,
That I keep buying,
You are tails on a two-headed coin,
I bet on every time,
I bet you won't bail on me the next time,
We make plans to see each other,
If only you saw what this was doing to me.

Like a nail in downpour,
I corrode,
I rust,
Like the abandoned bicycle.
Like a match,
You strike me,
You set me burning,
And you throw me away.

I'm but a child's art project,
A roughly hewn mess of emotions and cheesy metaphors,
Barely held together by carelessly applied superglue,
By an overestimated excuse of willpower,
By a towering fear of falling apart
And not having a rug big enough to sweep myself under.

Through all these thoughts,
Fears and imaginings,
These facts,
These fractures,
I endure.
I always will.