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Raquel Butler Aug 2017
Sometimes I feel like it's all just a game in my head.
I go from moments of intense emotion
to nothingness,
and when I finally feel okay
the cycle starts all over again.
And I can't keep these lightning shifts
to myself,
so I end up ruining everything
and everyone else.
And even when I recognize the behavior,
it shifts to a seemingly more innocent danger.
I can't help it,
and I can't victimize,
so I'll just make everyone hate me
so I'll just make everything die.
I don't think this is complete but I feel too numb to write anything good right now so this will have to do until I revisit it :)
  Aug 2017 Raquel Butler
Apporva Arya
Its always hard to say "let's end it"
While still loving u.
When it comes to separation,
We are not good at it.
A little spark is enough,
to make us run to each other.
These hands should not touch yours,
And eyes should not meet either.
Vows will be broken,
We were never good at
love and separation.
Raquel Butler Aug 2017
I have so much to write about
yet nothing to write.
My fingers yearn for the feeling
of the keyboard
of an ebony pen
yet my mind does not deliver.
Like a misfire,
like a limb long since missing
writing has become a
foreign name
I can only remember.
Raquel Butler Jul 2017
I am tired of the notion
That my bad days outnumber my good
Because I am not trying to improve
I am tired of having to explain
How I feel
Why I feel
Why I don’t
I am tired of you saying you want to understand
Of you wanting to hear every detail,
No thoughts left unsaid
I am tired that when I begin to let you in
You start to pull away
You say my heart is too dim
I am tired
Of everyone telling me to stay
When they don’t want to deal
With the worst parts of me
I am tired of the notion
That expressing
That releasing
Is seen as romanticizing
When all I want is for it to go away
There is nothing ******* romantic about this
I want to get better.
I was scrolling through a friends Tumblr, and I saw a post bashing mentally ill people so I decided to write, because it makes me so ******* angry NOBODY wants to feel like this. I'm tired of the notion that we do.
Raquel Butler Jul 2017
All I hear is you you you
and never of me me me.
Never an I’m sorry,
Never an apology.
You speak of what I’ve done to you,
but what you’ve done to me?
I’m sorry I've hurt you,
*but are you sorry you’ve hurt me?
As always, I let the "art" speak for me.
  Apr 2017 Raquel Butler
kaelin
the veins in your arms like
road maps to your heart,
i trace them with my eyes
from afar.
youve got an aura that people write songs about,
the way you shine and
the way i fade and fizzle out.
im the last thing youd remember
but youre the last thing id forget,
the way your eyes wander
and mine are dead-set.
Raquel Butler Apr 2017
I know
I shouldn't feel guilty for putting myself above you.
but lately, I've felt regretful
questioning my reasoning, my sanity, because I need you
(no)
I told you all my truth
everyone views her victim
to my crazy mind, that can't decide,
(you run when things aren't easy)
-and now I've begun to believe them.
I thought we could be friends
I apologized for your jealousy
made it all my fault (I should've known)
it was too easy.

Communication was key,
she said she got the memo
but she's been assuming things she doesn't know
and I've been feeling dreadful.
(stop)
I know she is affected by my actions,
believe me, I know too well,
and maybe this is me overthinking things,
after all I am sick in my head.

If only she knew the way you claw into my brain
(about her) everytime of everyday
I'm exhausted of the way you make me feel
Because one minute I feel just fine
and another I feel fried
im not free.

(you made her kryptonite to me,
but you are me
and this is more than just exhausting,
its deadly)
dealing w mental illnesses that cause you to toxically obsess over those you love, make interactions with them toxic to you. so so so fun!
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