This is
Listening to my sister sob in the next room
This is
Flinching at every noise I hear through my door
This is
Watching YouTube on my computer, mouse hovering over the X on the screen, ready to hide
This is
Heart-pounding, fight-or-flight-inducing terror
This is
Mind racing, preparing excuses in my head for any possible attack
This is
Counting the minutes until I can escape
This is
A normal Sunday in the redacted house

Drowning out their screaming
I escape into beautiful worlds in my mind
Attempting to forget the one my body is trapped in
Loud music echoing through my ears
To still my pounding heart
If I must be held captive in this hell
At least I can flee to my dreamstate
And find some semblance of peace

Circling, circling
As I lie dying in the sun

Waiting, waiting
For my labored breathing to stop

Keeping, distance
Knowing I have suffered enough

Watching, watching
Dark angels watching over me

Patient, patient
Cawing their kind condolences

Hungry, hungry
As my heart stops they circle in

Pecking, pecking
Their beaks on flesh the only sound

Flying, flying
Wings beat against the setting sun

Sky, darkening
Shrouding my peaceful skeleton

Contemplating eternity
Our minds will be bound by time no longer
We will not be divided by what we have seen or lived
But united in the infinity of our minds

Happiness
Is
In the little things

Home alone
Singing and rambling

A good book
Or a song I love
Watching my favorite movies and shows
Again and again

A pretty bug
A cute animal
A sweet kid

Being with my friends
Doesn’t matter where we are

Lying in bed
In Dreamstate
Enjoying the strange creations of my subconscious mind

A good daydream
That feels like it’s wrapping me in an embrace
Or at least one that’s exciting
One that ***** me in for hours
And I forget the meaning of reality

Writing poems
Or essays (ones that are actually interesting, anyway)
Or when I finally get motivation to work on my novel
And 15 minutes turns into 80

That very first time
I can sing a complicated song
Or when I hit a high note right
And I feel invincible

Walking in the woods
Or the park
And feeling like I’m a part of something beautiful

Happiness is wherever I can exist freely

Go on
Tell me I’m lying
Tell me I’m making it up
Like I make everything else up
Look me in the eyes
LOOK ME IN THE EYES
AND TELL ME I’M LYING
I’M ALWAYS LYING, AREN’T I

It’s always somehow me
Always my problem
My fault
Scapegoat
Scapegoat
Scapegoat
Ungrateful
Brat
Who doesn’t see all that you do for me
My fault
My bad
For not being ok
I must be lying
Because you’re perfect

If I’m such a liar
Why do you spew all that **** about trust
If you already think I’m faking everything
Why should I tell you the truth
The biggest lie I tell you is that
I’m fine
Because the second I’m not
I’m being a bad daughter
I’m overreacting
Ungrateful
Doesn’t matter how many times I say thank you
“Ava, it’s just a napkin, you don’t have to thank me four times”
Doesn’t matter how much I say I’m sorry
“Ava, it was an accident, all you did was spill some water, it’s not a big deal”

Don’t mind me
It’s my fault
Right?
My fault for wanting to talk to somebody
Who cares
A rarity
My bad for trusting people with my secrets
I’ve learned my lesson now
But I’m not isolated by choice
My fault
My fault
I hate being so smart
If I had a little less common sense
I’d run away
But that would be my fault too

Will it still be my fault
When I leave
And never
Return?

I feel trapped in this place
So, so trapped.
It's like a prison I fear I will never escape
But I will
and when I do, I'm not coming back

I have grown so accustomed to hiding
knowing that I won't be accepted
pretending to be someone I'm not
that I don't know who I am
I pretend to be fine because if I say I'm not they invalidate me
But they still always ask if I'm fine
I want to scream "no, I'm not, and it's all your fault"
But I never scream, only on paper
paper doesn't judge

I am funny and kind
always encouraging everyone
because I'm so desperate for someone to do the same for me
but they never do
I itch to show people my poems, my writing, my music
but when I did, back when I was naive
nobody
cared
so now I sit in silence and wonder if it's good enough
wonder if anyone will ever care

I know all this is for a purpose
know it will be better in the end
but it hurts so much
Metamorphosis
and sometimes,
I just want to be a caterpillar again

I love being plural
I couldn't do this without them
but sometimes I long to be whole
because at least then I'd know myself

I feel the need to hide everything
I trust no one
Every slight movement or sound I flinch
ready to hide
to lie

I've become manipulative
I've stopped feeling remorse
I lie whenever I feel like it
for my own gain and safety
I am ruthless
disguised by kindness
always doing everything for other people
but knowing I'll do whatever needs to be done to survive

I'm burning out
I'm tired of people
there's only one person in this whole world I actually
want
to talk to
but she'll never see me as more than a friend
I hate being social
I'm irritable
I hide in my room
and daydream about the apocalypse
because to me
it means freedom

I hide in my fantasies
and refuse to come out
escapism is my addiction
I do nothing else
I rot in bed all day
chronically online
because what else is there to do
I've lost all motivation
to do anything with my life
all I do is daydream and scroll
It used to bother me
but now I don't care about much of anything

I'm falling apart
Each year I look back on what was my biggest problem and laugh
because in hindsight it was nothing compared to now
I'm in danger
I'm a danger
but I can't tell anyone
I've learned my lesson
constant betrayal
by the only people I ever trusted
hurts more than I expected

fantasies are no longer enough
I'm going crazy
actually
literally
crazy
and I'm afraid
so afraid
I'll do something terrible

All I want is to go home
ALL I WANT IS TO GO HOME
but I can't
and it feels like a phantom limb
it's been a year
IT'S BEEN A YEAR
how am I going to do this?

I still hold on to hope
that we'll be ok
that everything will turn out for the best
that God is watching out for me
but right now
in the wretched present
everything is going to ****
how much longer can I hold on?

What am I doing?

"I know how they feel. I've been there. I've been crazy. It's kind of... amazing, really."

A sharp exhale
Finally breathe again!
Madness, madness
is the world
ending
or beginning,
do you think?
Apocalypse
Apocalypse
Genesis
Exodus
The freedom
of madness

Wild
like a child
running running running
without end or goal or any intention
just running running running for the sake of going faster
for the sake of feeling free
rolling through the grass
in the snow
down a hill
frolicking, flying
dizzy dizzy dizzy
frolic ever faster
laughter tearing through the throat
of the free and wild child
child, child
children of madness
children of madness are we
and we are free

Sanity
a state
a rule
or simply just a construct
meant to keep us from seeing
to keep us stuck in black-and-white
and blurry lines and boring bricks
where really there is so much more
a dozen other colors that only the mad can see
A whole new kind of magic
that only the insane believe
a magic that tells us NEVER STOP!
Never stop running
We have learned to scream silently
to hide our tears and pain
only the madmen know
they know, they know, they see
screams are meant to be screamed
scream scream scream for all to hear
and maybe they'll start screaming too

They fear us
(the sane do)
they fear our invincible majesty
As we glow in wild colors
that blind their fragile eyes
we pity them
for they have forgotten
they've forgotten!
How to see or hear or feel
we try, we try to teach them how
but they no longer speak our language
instead they watch with wary eyes
watch us like wild animals
for they still see themselves as human
they still see themselves as prey
they think we're crazy
we're enlightened!
We know what we are meant to do
who they call Monsters we call friends
and howl howl howl at the moon together

Madness, madness, madness, madness
We scream we scream with all we see
all the ways the people falter
held hostage by ghosts with no real power
but the power of fear
we laugh in the face of danger and evil
for we are unstoppable!
We are monsters! and we are animals!
but we have more soul than the sane could ever dream of
the freedom
the freedom
of madness

I give everyone
Everything
I try so hard
Care so much
Give so selflessly
For what?

Nobody
Cares about me
The way I care about them

No one
Ever
Does anything
For me

They expect
So
Much
Of me

Ask for so
Much

And never give anything in return

Everyone betrays me
Everyone
EVERYONE
I’m better off alone

To all those who need to hear this:

Why give up now?
Why now, when your life is about to begin?

We don’t give up, love
Say it with me
WE DON’T GIVE UP!

The air smelled different there
crisp and wild and filled of nature
and sharp wind
and adventure

It was a paradox
blazing sun and billowing snow
cool air piercing through everything
in disregard to seasons and logic

Towering mountains
and nature's monuments
built of harsh rocks
weathered by time

The trails beneath my feet
as I ran and climbed
I saw
something I long to return to

I understood
I understood!
something, something
will I ever return?

I could taste it
the flurrying fall wind
drops of honeysuckle on my tongue
and pine needles
and the sharpness in my throat as I climbed higher and higher
and the air grew thin

Birds crying
children laughing
the rustle of a deer or a rabbit in the woods
the soft caressing of the trees
leaves rustling
cicadas' percussion and clickers' buzzing melody

There
I understood
who I was

Corpses
of
daisies
lie at your feet

Will
you
break
fall to the floor and weep

You thought
when you picked them
that they would make you beautiful

but rot is inescapable
Your anger unaccountable

now all the flowers that you picked are dead
You crumpled them in your shaking fists and said
that you're better off just picking fights instead

Leaving daisies over coffins
never feeling, never stopping
you grew a garden in your soul
full of evanescent magic
but your story ended tragic
now daisies lie in your wake
gone without a trace

corpses
corpses
daisies
daisies
what's left of your heart
has gone completely crazy
said "the world will never change me"
"never take me, or erase me"

but now you cover everything
in the corpses
of daisies

Vultures
circle
to feed on the dead

Blood
rains
down
down
down
on the ignorant

Wars
killers
bodies in their wake

Maggots
swarm
hungry
hungry
hungry
eating away at the innocent

Sapphire
fog
time passes disregarded

Sharks
frenzy
blood
blood
blood
in the water

Sun
shines
dully and unseen

Zombies
mind-controlling
lambs
lambs
lambs
to the slaughter

Periwinkles
blossom
but nobody sees

Triumph
odyssey
pain
pain
pain
on the people

Hope
waits
but no one believes

Sky
falls
crush
crush
crushing
the steeple

I haven't cried in so long
so long...
it's been so long...
a year
it will be a year in May
a year
a year
since I've seen my home
with countless more till I return
it's been so long since I've felt the pain
homesickness
was something I'd never experienced until the plane
approached that perfect island
until I stepped off
and the sun soaked into my soul
and I took a deep breath
and knew I was finally home
you can't tell me that's not home
YOU CAN'T
I WILL FIND MY WAY BACK TO YOU
I WILL FIND MY WAY BACK TO YOU
I WILL FIND MY WAY BACK TO YOU
someday, somehow
I will return
to the only place I could stay forever
to the only place that breaks down my walls
the only place that still makes me cry
I can't believe it's been a year
since I've seen home

Today
marks the day
of a new kind of Triumph

My whole life I have sought your approval and praise
Knowing that in me you were always ashamed
Humans have always feared what they don't understand
But I am done being cut by the knife in your hand

Today is my freedom, I've escaped the cage!
Now your attention I no longer crave
I've taken the knife from your bloodied embrace
I've taken my freedom and I won't leave a trace

I've been held back and held down for far too long
What you see as my weaknesses are what make me strong
I know I am an oddity, a wild one, a mystery
But my twisted mind's what allows me to truly see!

I see when the end justifies all the means
I'm learning to listen to the voice in my dreams
Battle cries are everywhere and I know now to listen
I've been Awakened and through Triumph have risen

I see your embarrassment from my strange behaviors
But today I see past all your noise and distraction
I no longer care what you see when you look at me
Not ashamed or afraid, today I am free!

I dream
of the apocalypse
long for it
fantasize daily
of what it would be like

the world as we know it
ending
never to be the same again

the pain of lost nostalgia
society crumbling
a fresh start

I long to see human nature
stripped down to animal form
raw fury
primal instincts

we would all be killers
wild and desperate
so focused on survival
we'd forget about all the petty things that used to matter

everything would be different
no one would have to hide anymore
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO HIDE ANYMORE!
we could succumb to it
the darkness
the Monster

it wouldn't matter
the demons that plague you
who you love
who you are
all your deepest
darkest
secrets
suddenly simply methods of survival

I would survive, I think
we would
alone
together
just fighting zombies

let's be honest:
they aren't that bad anyway

someday, society would be reborn
a new one
post-apocalyptic
we would go back to what we once were
creatures of the night
of blood and beauty

but for a while, nothing but
anarchy
lawlessness
pure desperate survival
where nothing matters
and everything goes

I dream
of the apocalypse

I finally found them:
someone like me

Someone who loves me
darkness and all

Someone who understands me
the Monster, the phantom

They see the same, feel the same
dangerous things

And they embrace it
maybe they could show me how?


I finally found them:
someone like me

A killer, a monster
not by choice but by destiny

Someone to hold close to me
who knows my demons all too well

I won't have to hide anymore!
not with them

We can embrace the darkness
embrace it together


I finally found them:
someone like me

But I wish I never met them
for then I wouldn't have to say goodbye

Goodbye, my love, my family
goodbye to the only one who understands

(I don't want to say goodbye
I don't want to say goodbye!

I cannot say goodbye
not when I've finally found someone like me)

Don't worry
They aren't gone forever
They were just taken
stolen by the mischievous creature that collects
lost things
He'll give them back
when he gets bored
or when you've given up on ever finding them again
He'll give them back
and you'll find them where you least expect
don't worry

Once
One

Oblivious to the pain of the world
And of herself

The split
Began

When she could not handle
Her reality

One
Became
Three

But they were not done
These troubled souls
Mourned
Together
Held each other up

But it was not enough
They were
Helpless
Doomed to watch their cruel fate unfold

So three grew into five
Five
Different
The same
Whole
Divided

They thought they were done
Five is plenty
But 6
7?
Must be
Better

Safety in numbers
A motley family
Concealed inside a single
Body

Pain
And safety
Dissociation
And protection

We are a far cry from that little girl

Liars
All of us
All the time
Everyone
Everything
Honesty
Is a beautiful luxury
And a tragic weakness

No one is as they seem
We all hide behind intricate masks
Carefully crafted
Rarely cracking
Concealing the truth that lies behind the eyes

Paradoxical
problem-causer
Mirror of her own
pain

That mask of being so
elite
Protects her battered heart from
break

Broken girl
doomed
to become the very monster
that kills her

failed
transformation

broken
Metamorphosis

you were not Gifted
or
Cursed

now you are split
not merged
not strong

your butterfly
has malformed wings

good
Monster
striking
failing
unable to comprehend
who
you
are

I thought you could be a
role model
an example on
who I should be

but now I see
you showed me what I must do
but not how to do it

you do not understand
you don't know
who
you
are

the beautiful thing
you could have become

you are lost
split
broken

I inherited this creature, this Monster
from you

but I understand it
accept it
embrace it!

my Metamorphosis will succeed
Alii Semper Vincemus!
you will see
I will show you
who
you
are

you are broken
clinging desperately to
shaky
control
you must see that it's not working
you will break
and then you will see
who
you
are

I love you anyway

i am a literal thinker
something not verY useful for a pOet
for everyone else writes Using metaphors
and Dreamlike language that i dOn't kNow how
To replicate
Unless i caN somehow teach myself to
write like a poet Does
i will forEveR be loST in this ethereAl world
but at least everyoNe will think i
Dont truly mean what i say

On the outside
I see
Less
Than others

But beyond physical sight
They are the blind ones

We are our parents' children
deep down inside
we inherit their DNA and mannerisms
And the rules that they abide

As children we watch closely
to what they say and do
We soak it up, the good and bad
Each behavior we curiously view

So if one's mother is gentle and kind
Then one shall almost surely be
But if she is cruel and fickle and rude
Then these traits unfortunately we may see

And if one's father patient and steady
Then one truly has a shot
But if he is angry or hateful or harsh
Then these things will one be taught

Oft I have wondered of my own life
And who I'll turn out to be
Will my own generational trauma continue
Or will it end with me?

You can run
but you
can't
hide

I
see
everything

I am the shadow
blurring in the dark
I am the eyes
keeping vigil through your window
I am the striking gaze
causing you to glance around
paranoid

Foolish lovely
you left your door
unlocked

knife glint
floorboards creak
door squeaks softly
feet padding on carpet
your silhouette
asleep
in
bed

Wolf smile
mouth watering
teeth glistening
eyes sparkling

You awake when you feel
cold
steel
on your throat

Your eyes widen
flinching
mouth opens
scream
piercing
panicked
desperate
beautiful

"there's no one here to save you now, darling."

your terror and pain is
palpable
flooding my soul with utter
satisfaction
as you squirm under your
restraints

my knife traces your skin in pleasing patterns
leaving crimson fire in its wake
drip
drip
drip
eternity passes
time in a blink
the life drains from your body
and your eyes

exhale
a swift wipe of the knife on the stained carpet
one last predator smile
another hunt
another masterpiece
finally, again, I feel
good

tiptoe
out the door
gloves buried swiftly
back in bed
again
dreaming
of you

of that first
blissful
cut

Hunger games of hate and grief
and pride and pain and scorn
We've been in the arena
since the day that we were born

Our horror shows aren't annual
they don't end or begin
They're miserable, continual,
and no one ever wins

Eat the berries, eat the berries!
what's the point of going on?
It's all a show, the Devil's drama
and we're his foolish pawns

Dressing up to meet our end
putting on an act
Our stylists have done us up
and we refuse to face the facts

The Capital is always watching
and Snow ends up on top
We are all so glued to screens
that we don't see the towers drop

Arrows flying through the air
made up of jealousy and lies
Our Rebellion is failing
and we're all dropping like flies

All of the songbirds are snakes in disguise
singing corrupted songs
The Jabberjays are everywhere
and they've been listening all along

We celebrate the mindless slaughter
a cycle that never ends
And we're all making enemies
for we've forgotten how to make friends

How do we think this is fine?
I'm afraid we've all gone mad
Life's a twisted lottery
that doesn't discern good from bad

We have all been drawn for reaping
despite our desperate labor
So there's just one thing left to say:
"May the odds be EVER in your favor!"

The problem with sharing a body
Is how hard it is to tell who you are