CRUSH

Crush,
The term wouldn’t exist if it doesn’t hurt does it?
When does it start? This feeling,
It grows bigger and larger,
And suddenly I realise,
My heart is on the verge of exploding,
Bursting with emotions that I can’t help but feeling so.

The only thing that I have want to convey and send to you is
‘I like you’, ‘I like you a lot’,
My heart, it hurts,
Evan seeing you from afar, my heartbeat goes crazy,
It's hard to breath,
How do I stop this feeling?
I am tired, I am sad, I am happy, I am anxious,
Because the only thing I have been thinking of is you,
You! You! and only you,

But crush, oh crush,
In the end you’re just a crush,
Those words,
They were never conveyed,
And I silently keep this feeling to myself,
With the faint hope that you’ll return this feeling,
In this feeble heart of mine,
And again, it hurts.

-nuraishahazman-

I see an ugly side of me that no one else can see,
And I wonder what would they do if they see this part of me,
This ugly, hideous, part of me,
Longing to be fixed, controlled, repaired.

Each time I try to change for the better,
Inevitably, I keep on succumbing myself to it, ****** in it,
Tormenting myself, and regretting what I've done, eventually,
Without fail, again and again,
Repeating the act.

Who am I lying to?
Not the world, but myself,
And who do I put the blame onto?
Not the world, but myself,
It's binding me tightly,
I can't get free,
Will never ever be.

Love is a stranger,
She tries picturing it,
Grasping the concept of this thing called ‘LOVE’,
It’s everywhere,
Everything she sees, everything she hears about,
Or so it seems.

Doubts, and more doubts,
She’s troubled,
What is love?

Then,
She realised,
How certain was it that what she saw and heard was, ‘LOVE’?
The question remains unanswered,
And still, to her,
Love is a stranger.

Detach, from the world,
Lost, in her own mind,
Why? Searching for an answer,
The girl wanders off,
The darkness is creeping up.

Broken, she is,
Without an answer,
Like shattered glass,
Irrepairable,
Consumed by her own grief,
She says goodbye,
For good.

-nuraishahazman-

She can make you feel secure, safe,
She can make you feel empowered, brave,
She can make you feel like you can do anything and everything.

To the point that 'fear' does not exist in your vocabulary,
You, the greatest person to be walking on the face of this earth,
Just by an embrace, a few words of assurance,
That's what she can do,
What she does best,
The effect she can have,
And only she.

Your mother.

If it were easy,
To change,
We would have changed,
I would have changed,
Already.

But, no,
Changing,
Is a process,
An evolution,
Where bravery,
Is the main priority.

A pillar,
Is vital,
Upon aiding,
The recovery.

Fear,
Is the reason I run,
Excuses,
Leading to procrastination,
Hence,
A push is what I need.

Thus,
Please,
Help me.

-nuraishahazman-

I'm just happy,
I get so giddy,
I see bubbles of happiness around me,
Is this what you call crazy?
Maybe..

Thinking about you,
My head spins frantically,
My heart beats viciously,
Love you? I do,
Till infinity? Definitely.

You see,
What does it mean to 'be yourself'?
I wonder,
'Set yourself apart from the others'
'Unleash your true colours'
'Be confident! love yourself for who you are'
Is what I've heard.

You see,
What does it really mean to 'be yourself'?
I wonder,
A conformist is what I've become,
Bound by the wall of mediocrity,
And then it struck,
When? Where? Why?
What exactly happened along the way?

You see,
When I was a kid,
I dream a lot,
The things I hate,
The things I love,
Clear as a day,
Showing it, is what I did,
Free as the wind,
I am,

Again,
What happened?
Life happened,
Is that it?
Do we not change?
Can we even change?

You see,
As we grow older,
Our dream,
The things we love,
The things we hate,
Changes,
And so do we,

So,
Embrace it,
Better late than never,
To start,
Being yourself.

-nuraishahazman-

Do you know what it means to go nuts?

To go crazy, ballistic and out of it?

I don’t either.

What does it mean to go nuts? How does a person get so confused and lost? How are they allowed to be in that state even?

What about us? Where were we? How can we let it happen? How did we not notice it? How did we allow it to happen?

How? Why?

These questions, circling endlessly, in this head of mine.

Because people are precious, each and every one of them is precious.

That in itself is a sufficient reason to not let people suffer anymore, and yet why do they?
Suffering more than they could bear? With each second ticking, fighting a war,
Battling their inner demons.

Alone.

Till they end up losing the will to fight. And that white flag is raised.

And..

We care, we do. Notice it? We don't, specifically, we didn't. Some things are masked really well that you don't see the suffering inside.

That broken heart, crumbling, smashed into pieces.

The smell of rain as it falls,
Accompanies you, with the wind that courses through,

Warmth, it brings,
This heat that embraces you,
The earthy damp smell,
As you inhale your breath,
A stranger, yet familiar,
Comforted,
You are,

Oh how we long for a company to fill in the void within us yet in God's natural phenomenon can we be at ease if we just open our heart to every little gestures of this world and realise the BLESSINGS and LOVE  that He has already given us.

The surge of emotions,
Like whirlwind they are,
It blows you away,
Swept you along,
Till you fall deep, deeper,
Into it.

'I like you',
'I love you',
These words,
Can lift you off your feet,
Bursting in euphoria,
You're struck.

Being loved, loving someone,
Swept away with these feelings,
Blinded by it, bind by it,
You fall harder, deeper in it,
These words,
That's what it does.

-nuraishahazman-

She noticed,
The leaves were rustling,
The breeze..
                  gently brushes her cheek,
It feels..
               comforting,

Often, she forgets,
How even in the simplest of things,
The feeling of joy? Love? Hope?
Is there,
                everywhere,

Just a moment,

To breathe in
                 and let it out,
And she feels it, noticed it,
Treasures it.

I woke up at 3 in the morning,
With this unquenchable thirst,
For the love I never had,
For the love I have yet to have? Maybe,

Silently, pondering,
Will I ever be in love?
How does it feel to be out of love?
When it does not even come across my way,

This desire,
I suppress,
And the deeper I bury it,
The more I long for it,

The love that never exists.

Nothing, she is,
She's numb,
Happy? No, Sad? No,
No pain, no feels,
Not a thing,
She cuts herself,
Pain, she feels it,
Ah, so maybe it's not nothing,
Then..

-nuraishahazman-

Confused,
Lost,
In a bottomless chasm, I fall.