Things that have been mutually frequented -
CDs, mugs, kisses,
(memories) -
are but fragile leaves
waiting to be blown away
on the winds of time;
until one day
inchoate tears
will find us there,
on the kitchen floor at 2 am,
saying wordlessly:
"I wish I'd never met him.
I wish I'd never met him."

You said you were bad
For me. I disagreed, but
Today is too much.

You and I walk a fragile line
That I never thought I'd live to see break.
I should have known it would all this time.

I'm standing here and I can see it in your eyes:
All the love I should have known was fake
And every last one of your lies.

You said, "I am yours and you are mine."
"I'll never leave you alone," was just another promise you made.
I should have known that all this time.

I spent my life thinking we were fine
When I should have known you were just take, take, take.
I never realised all those lies.

You know how the time flies.
I wonder, "Were we just a mistake?"
I should have known all this time.

Can you believe it was just yesterday we had the time of our lives?
Who would have known how bittersweet this would be?
Did you ever see that fragile line?
The one we treaded all that time.

Is it so wrong
To wonder why you?
To wonder why you had to
Appear in my life
At that moment
In that place
At that stage in my life.

When everything was going wrong
And I was somewhere I didn’t want to be
With people I didn’t know
And you decided to be there for me.

Is it so wrong
To wish it hadn’t been you?
To wish someone else
Had turned up
And whisked me away
And made me feel special
In a way that you never have.

To compliment me properly,
Saying how beautiful I look in that dress
Not an awkward comment on my hair,
Not a ‘there’s nothing wrong with you.’

Is it so wrong
To dream
That we
Never
Ever
Even
Met?

You only love me
When you are so off your face,
So drunk you can't see.

I don't want to be with him
But I do
And all I can think
When I'm with him is
How much better he would be
If he were you.

You are long gone now.
I would like my scarf back, please.
It smells like me, but...

You drunk texted me
Last night from Copenhagen.
I've missed that too much.

I wish I still had
Our texts from last year so I'd
Have proof you loved me.

It's been a while but
I still feel the same. My blood
Is drowning in you.

Seeing 4am is a habit
I thought had
Died
With you.

I am starving. I
Am starved of your lips, your teeth,
Your tongue, your mouth; kiss.

Watching Pixar with
Anyone but you is wrong,
Inherently.

We go together like
Digestives dipped in tea.
Your girlfriend and a hike.
A sting and a bee.

I love you like
Dogs love chasing postmen.
Halfords love a bike.
Teachers love red pen.

I need you like
Meerkats need you to go to a different website.
Aunt Josephine needed Ike.
Ghosts need to fright.

In summary, then,
We go together like
I love you like
I need you like

Really poor metaphors.
A reference to popular culture.
An ironic rhyme scheme and rhythm that vanishes towards the end.
Don’t you love a flirt, darling?

Just unfriend me.
(*******.)
It's not like I get
Waves
Of missing you
Any more.

(They're more like tsunamis.)

I hope you not only
Delete my number
But block it too
So if I drunkenly
(Stupidly)
Text you
You won't get it.

(Because I still text you a lot.)

And I hope you and
The others
(Those *******)
Meet up in August.
Go to the Fringe;
Have fun.
And I hope you don't notice
My absence.

(Because I notice yours every day.)

I hope you bump into
My old uni bestie
(At Glasgow)
And don't remember
That you met her through me.

(I know exactly how I first met you.)

I hope you never see
My post in halls
(If it still gets sent there)
Again.
Never see my name
Again.

(Every time I order take away I see yours.)

I hope you can look
Her in the eye.
(Never tell her another lie.)
Love her.
Hold her.

(Like you'll never do for me.)

And oh -
Something else.
I hope you burn
With pain
And hurt
And anger
And I don't wish you ill,
But ******* hell
I do not wish you well.

I hope your tsunamis of
Depression
Remind you of me
And of how well I knew you
And of how fighting with me
Used to make you feel
Better about yourself and

I hope to all the Gods in all the worlds
That it kills you inside.

I want a place where
I am loved and I'm no longer
The world's disappointment.

you don't get it you
never got it stop saying
that you understand

Man. Chair. Pink.
Listen, listen.
I have something to say -
No, wait, it's gone.

Out the window, like my mind.
Red scarf, blue hat,
Don't match.
Sad.

There's a crazy girl in the
corner, lining up straws.
Ha! Not crazy, ketchup crazy.
Ha! That's me.

I'm a MAN.

A rugby-playing,
Football-loving,
Pie-eating
MAN.

A nerdy t-shirt wearing,
Glasses bearing,
Bad-teeth faring
MAN.

A sad,
Lonely,
Little
MAN.

A nice-dressing,
Debonair-looking,
Smooth-talking
MAN.

A rose-giving,
Hotel-whisking,
Loving and kissing
MAN.

A drunk,
A lush,
An alcy
MAN.

A person with
Thoughts
Feelings
Pain
Sentiment
I like stuff
I hide my feelings
I **** up

I cry.

Bet you still wish you could
Bang your desk against the wall
To get me to text you.

Bet you're sat there wishing
It were me instead of her
You come home to.

Bet you miss me
A hell of a lot more
Than I miss you.

Did you know that your eyes are flecked with gold?
Well, they are.
Yeah, they’re mostly blue, but there’s definitely gold round the edges.
Go look in the mirror then.
Don’t be stupid, eyes can’t be pink.
Uh huh.
You’re an idiot.
Gold is warm and rich and deep.
Why do I like your eyes? Because they like to lie to me. Ca m’amuse.
Yes.
I think you lie to me all the time.
No.
Because you lie to yourself too.

Let's be mad, just dance together.
A crazy symphony in harmony.
I think they call it...
Fun!

Haha, isn't this great?
Big sad word: alive.
Words were funny, are funny, or will be -
Tenses were somewhere too. Somewhere? Everywhere.

Oooh, ain't you talkin' crazy?
We could get married, eh?
Have half a dozen kids and
Teach 'em to dance like us.

Let's leave, doll.
Get in the car and just drive.
Drop the top, doll,
Let me see the starlight.

O! An open road -
Reckless like Gatsby!
I feel it, the road getting narrower
The further we go.

Dance with me, doll,
Let's just dance.
Here in this state-side desert
Dance with me, inside me -

Well then, darling,
It's been - ah - fun.
We didn't get married, didn't have kids,
Didn't tell stories.

You'll always be my
Big 'what-if'
But it's not like I care.
It's not like you do, either.

So go home, doll,
We're drunk.
I missed you, miss you, will miss you.
Tenses again. I loved you.

I LOVED YOU.
I HATE YOU.
I WILL REGRET YOU.
I scream (screamed, will scream) to the Heavens.

I am so sorry
For ever worrying you.
Please, come back to me.

You are the best thing
About this place. You belong
Right here (in my arms).

You're awake and not
Talking to me. I love you.
I cry and love you.

Weekend away; cramped in the car.
Pile everyone in, bags and cases.
Stained glass seasons hung on the wall -
Time is inevitable;
Nowhere is this clearer than Fife, Tayside,
Aberdeenshire. The fishing boats and harbourside
Sell ice cream. You struggle to find that
Quintessential smokie but instead find the residential cat
At an upmarket play park; bright colours
Against that claustrophobic sky. The world
Is so small. How did we ever get lost here?
God is love, they tell us, but what is love, dear?
A passionate commitment; we are never alone.
But I do wonder: where will these places go?

One
You lie, lie, lie.
You hide your secrets in your eyes
For all the world to see.
You imagine I am home,
In my room, all alone.
The roses drop to the floor.
You’d forgotten I hate the thorns.

Two
And Peter shouted at Joanna,
“You don’t know what it’s like!
You don’t know what it’s like
To have scars all down your chest
To be on your bike half way across the Tay Bridge
At midnight
You don’t know you don’t know you will never know.”
And Joanna stood, and she stayed,
And she followed him out of the house to the restaurant
And she showed him she knew
And still he never came back.

Three
“This is the last time I’m asking you.
Come out of there.”
You’re hiding at the back of the wardrobe again.
Maybe they won’t see you.
Pretend they can’t see you.

Four
You say you’re sorry.
You can pull that face out of the bag exactly when you need it.
And you cheated John again
But that face means you’re lying.
You lie, lie, lie.
And John never ******* does anything.

Five**
And Rose walks out of the Med School
Wearing that pretty dress you bought her.
She’s crying to herself.
The noble thing to do would be to ignore it
But instead I walk up to you;
Call you out on that *******.
“Hurt her again; you hurt me.
And heaven knows you’ve done enough of that.”

hi i know i'm not
hannah or alison but
i do still exist

Palimpsest
is a word that means
reused or altered
but still bearing visible traces
of its earlier form.

I think that that is
a good metaphor
for me
after you left me.

Feminists will disagree
(you haven't been used;
people can't be used up.
You're not a quota).
But I was after you left me

Because
you changed me
so completely
that even my music taste
tastes of you

Despite me now
being used
differently (better)
by someone else.

I just want to curl up and cry curl up and die
Everything hurts and I want it all to end
Not fair not fair not fair
What’s wrong
Don’t know don’t ask
Like you care
Don’t pretend
Don’t text don’t call don’t talk
Breathe in and out
Breathe too fast
Can’t breathe
Can’t stop
Tears fall
Don’t know don’t ask
Help me help me help me
But no help comes.

I have a poem
That tells of us. I read it
When I want to hurt.

I am sexting right
Now, and dear God do I wish
I were sexting you.

Je me suis sentie comme
Cendrillon.
Because we met at a ball
And I had on my best dress
And you were in, oh God,
A kilt!
Perfect man, yes?

Bumping into you at the cinema
You didn't recognise me
But when the film started
(Which film? I was too aware of you)
You tapped me on the shoulder
And whispered,
"Finally!*"

So I asked you on a date.
No, not a date.
Shush.
Coffee. Let's go for coffee
And be friends.
(****.)
Four hours later...

And then
There was that time
We stayed up
Until 6am
Because neither of us
Wanted to say night.

(Last night.)

And this is a love story
Starting again
And it's perfect in ever way
All I've ever wanted
Look - poem perfect -
But I don't know
If I can handle it
Again.

My brother farts in
His sleep. I wish he would stop.
My bedroom smells ****.

It was also
TARDIS blue
Dark Knight black
Balloons
Flying houses
Hugs
Falling asleep holding hands
Staring at your lips
Staring at my lips
Sweeney Todd slicing necks
Singing, singing, singing
Coldplay
Ed Ed Ed
(writing with Taylor was the worst move he ever made)
Opinion
Laughter
You're wrong
You're wrong
I'm sorry
You're not sorry
You're never sorry
I love you
Please don't
I won't
Doctor Who?
Doctor Who.

Would someone
Please
Care to tell me
(And I'm being serious here, guys,
Because I really have no clue)
Why love
Has to hurt
So much?

Would someone
Please
Care to tell me
(And I'm being serious here, guys,
Because I really have no clue)
Why you can so easily
Act okay
Around me?

Would someone
Please
Care to tell me
(And I'm being serious here, guys,
Because I really have no clue)
Why you don't seem
To know who I am
Any more?

Would someone
Please
Care to tell me
(And I'm being serious here, guys,
Because I really have no clue)
Why you think it's okay to text me
When you need me
But not the other way around?

Would someone
Please
Care to tell me
(And I'm being serious here, guys,
Because I really have no clue)
Why love
Has to hurt
So much?

Loving you was so
Loud I can today hear you
Exit my shower.

Bright, burning RED
I see it through the darkness;
The only real thing
There, tying me down,
Holding me still.
RED RED RED

And now the sun glows ORANGE.
Rising in the sky
Like a God.
Apollo in his chariot,
Looking down on us.
ORANGE ORANGE ORANGE

The sky fades to YELLOW
Now, a peculiar, ugly colour. I like it.
Your face lights up now,
Looks better this way.
The tinge of your skin -
YELLOW YELLOW YELLOW

I see you in GREEN
When I think of you.
And I think of you often.
I think of you hopefully, longingly, jealously.
I can't help it.
GREEN GREEN GREEN

They say that BLUE
Is a cold colour,
But no, it is warm. It is the sea and the sky and the summer.
They say your favourite colour is that of your true love's eyes.
Guess you're not my true love. Ah well.
BLUE BLUE BLUE

You gave me INDIGO
Roses on the first of our birthdays we spent together.
You'd tried to dye them my favourite colour
But of course it hadn't worked.
I laughed at your failure. Loved you for it.
INDIGO INDIGO INDIGO

Skies of VIOLET
Are breathed upon us by the cruellest of months:
April.
At the twilight hour the cold, callous evening
Tears you from me. Go back to her, then.
VIOLET VIOLET VIOLET

These are the colours that bind us together.
These are the colours that tear us apart.

Look* at me. Dying,
Fire, bursting, crying, life,
Love, soul destroying.

I'm going to keep
Pretending it doesn't hurt
When you don't reply.

You don't love me now
Because you knew me before
You ****** me over.

I wished you loved me.
A wish can't be granted if
It's already true.

Don't you preach to me.
Don't you stand there, all
"I found love, look how happy we are,"
And tell me I have to
Date the wrong guys
To find the right guy
When you are standing there
Preaching to me
All along.

Someone once asked me,
"Was it a proper affair?"
Yes, of course it was.

People ask,
"When did you fall in love with him?"

And I reply,
"I think it was
That time
We watched Monty Python
Together
At 2 a.m."

You know when people tell you about love?
They tell you about happiness and dreams.
They laugh and bless everything up above.
They tell you everything is as it seems.
You know when people tell me about love?
I think of sunflowers and custard creams.
I imagine fluffy white clouds and doves
And yellow roses and pastoral greens.
You know when people go on about love?
They conjure images of snuggling up
In winter by a fire or a warm stove.
Hot chocolate in a pretty new cup.
When people tell you about love they forget to mention
Pain and anger and hurt and look at you with her.

Every time the phone rings
These days, anyway, I hope
It's not him, but you.

I get up. I stretch out.
I make tea. I head down.
Shower. ***. Shower ***.
Get dressed.
Man hits the brakes too soon.
I'm eating yoghurt with a spoon.
Who let this old woman
Leave her garden?

I never miss this anguish
When it's not here.

Remember all you
Have learned. Listen to me. I
Will always know more.

It is five to midnight
And by this time
On any given day
This time last year
I would have a text from you
Asking to share the evening
Over a movie.

And today I saw you
And looked you in the eye
For the first time in a while
And I asked you to text me when you're back
Like you used to
Because once upon a time

I was the first person you would text.
I was the one who knew where you were;
How you were;
Who you were.
And you looked at me
And I looked at you

And our hug was so empty.
There was no squeeze;
No head against my shoulder
And maybe it was because my friend was there,
Or maybe it's because you've forgotten
That I used to be number one on speed dial.

"Of course I won't forget you."
Yet here we are
And I looked at you
And you looked at me
With your pool blue eyes
And hands that used to play me like a violin

And I didn't ache for you.
I ached for a year ago;
For things that should have been but never were
But I managed to plough on through
And think that what I have now
Is almost as good.
Text me, sometime, darling.