I find it hard to write about one single thing when there are so many thoughts in your head.
I find it hard to sleep when all you can think about is your future and what you'll do for the rest of your life.
I find it hard to do homework when all you can hear are the screams coming from your parents bedroom door.
I find it hard to let things go when you've never gotten an apology.
I find it hard to think when anxiety is the only thing keeping you company.
I find it hard to be happy when everything around you is just so sad.

stand-alone in the cold
with spotlight providing you with an open door to a vacant, dark dungeon.
take the chance
take the risk
be honest
say what you have to say
but you must stand-alone in the cold
and use your own two feet to walk forward.
in-the-moment rapid decisions
and in-the-moment thoughts that pass too fast to differentiate between right and wrong or taboo and a pat on the back.
so you must subconsciously decide between what you truly want to do or what you know is morally right.
take the first option and find yourself with several misfortunate events after another.
but at least you were honest right?
take the second option and find yourself in another uncomfortable situation followed by a loss of feelings and logic with an unreachable resolution.
burden to add to the pile or burden to add to the pile.
there is no win-win.
there is no win-lose.
there is only lose-lose and so therefore you must ask yourself which one provides you with less lost in the -.05 seconds you have to ponder on it.

happy birthday

anticipated this feeling for as long as I could remember
the rule breaking rebel infested mystical theory of the coming of age, age.
and surprisingly I am affected
I am content
I am satisfied
I am not as disappointed or rather unbothered by the hyped societal numbers that defined your teenage years
and now I wonder if this makes me just like everyone else based on my feelings or based on my new found character limit
I can, however, admit that it feels good
it feels fulfilling to know that through everything you've made it this far no matter how many times you woke up wishing you hadn't
it's a reassuring simple gesture that maybe life is hope or hope is life or that maybe there is something I haven't experienced quite to the fullest extent as to keep me alive for every 12 months after the next.
no, I am not happy
no, I am not overjoyed
but I can honestly say that I don't feel as bad as I thought I would.

undefined relationship involving little commitment and very high expectations.
worldwide view of what can not be has been.
incapable of sharing perspectives but always pushed to view a distant companion's.
attitudes from hormones.
anger from the force of creating our everlasting future.
so close.
so very close.
yet, imbalanced.
two humans that engage in everyday contemplations,
one knows more than the other.
uncomfortable walls that were once torn down seem to make their way up again.
ignorance from the second party as to why the problems ever arose
and neither has an answer.
why be afraid of places you have never been before?
and both have an obvious answer.
in-the-moment happiness that was never produced to go any farther,
nevertheless last.
this undefined relationship, where words were left unsaid and thoughts were never spoken, have a mutual agreement of the best time of their lives.
-mxy

question: do we lose ourselves in the midst of romanticizing or do we unravel our true selves.

response: do we lose who we are in the idealistic view of our romantic quests or do we unveil a trait of ourselves that has been there all along? hiding behind the perfect life you saw yourself having before your heart shattered in little tiny pieces when your utopian view took on another perspective. recognizing yourself in a dark state that was clouded by your 'cherry-kissed' outlook on love, you see who you really are. the good, the bad, and the ugly transformed into the hopeless romantic who has only experienced their first heartbreak to then examine every characteristic of themselves and determine if they were 'in the wrong'. your romantic expectations turning you into someone you're not is the controversial topic. but what if it was just the romanticizing that grounded you and brought you back to reality? what if it was the romanticizing that expressed your honest self? what if it were for all of the childhood fantasies and teenage dreams that helped you realize who you want to be with? what if it were for all of the traumatic experiences and unfulfilled relationships  that helped you realize the person you truly are.
-mxy

stripped naked in the figurative sense, I see a girl that is far overdue for a dose of joy. so much emptiness in her eyes, blood flow has become invisible. beauty. oh so much beauty in the way she cares absolutely too much for those that are unaware of her favorite color nevertheless asks how she feels every blue moon. perfectionist could quite possibly be her middle name by the way her heart beats in sync with the spontaneous moods that show their appearance every two days or so. anxiety equals a rapid beat. "if you feel worried then you must act on it" seems to be her philosophy because when she's sad and shaky the heart must go slow.
for,
she.
is.
slow.
when the depression hits and vulnerability only shows its face behind closed doors im sure she would say that she feels as though she's suffocating. suffocating in the figurative sense, where everyone is there watching her but no one can differentiate heavy breathing in basketball practice from a ******* asthma attack.
idiots.
so numb. she's so numb in the figurative sense. you ask her how she is and each time it's an automated "good" as if practiced hundreds of times before a theatre performance. an actress. she's an actress in the literal sense. planting a smile from ear to ear even when it's an obvious gloomy day for everyone else. she puts on a show of happiness that could very much earn her an oscar, if only she were literally in the entertainment business. I can see her falling in the way her back hunches just 10 degrees lower than it had a year ago. I would recommend a doctors appointment but im hoping she learns to fix it on her own. I'm hoping it begins to appear in someone around her that maybe she isn't as okay as she seems. this beautiful perfectionist doesn't just have bad days and doesn't just spare her low moods in spite of upsetting those around her. this beautiful perfectionist doesn't see herself as beautiful. this beautiful perfectionist is so far from perfect.
maybe if someone looked a little deeper in the literal and figurative sense, they would choose to ask, after her automated response of "good", "are you really?"
-mxy

smothering you.
something I never intended to do
never really something anyone intentionally does
it kinda
sorta
just
happens.
and for that, I am sorry.
I am sorry for the double texts
I am sorry for the endless questions
I am sorry for making you feel like you were being suffocated by my presence
I am sorry for hovering over every detail you refused to share with an empty soul I call mine
I am sorry for causing you to suffer through the life experience of having me to be someone that loves you
I am sorry I smothered you
I am sorry you never smothered me too
-mxy