I was the kindest soul that ever sang to you and it turns out you never heard a word I spoke.
Claiming that maybe you just didn't need my songs to feel good.
I'm feeding myself false hope by the spoon fulls even after choking so many times.
I wish I could have learned sooner to put the spoon down - I knew it I just couldn't grasp it - the reality of losing it.
He couldn't explain his lack of love for my soul but kept my body full of greed for a year and a half.
Unfortunately, I'm a modernly woman holding on to just a string of hope thinking of all the ways I could change myself for you.

I thought I never was the prettiest picture that you'd admire each night. You told me yourself you had a gallery of others you would desire to be with for a night.
My skin still sinks so low remembering your stories about these selfish needs.
Making me feel I was never enough to love, cherish, and make a home in.
How does it feel to rip down a perfectly fine structure of a woman until she is bird bones?

I had a weak mind and constitution but continued to dance through the storm that I thought you'd save me from one day.
I was always looking for any signs of sun that I dreamt you would bring to me.
I ended up watching you disappear into the sun wishing and just praying that someday I could as well.
I asked to join but you couldn't handle it - you said couldn't understand it because you've never experienced rain like mine.
You put me through hell and I think it's my time to finally be able to breathe without your hands on my throat - don't you mind?

My first experience with love turned out to leave a constellation of scars that I'll one day look at and be able to see their beauty.
But for now, I'm still just counting scars.
But for now, I'm still battling flames you burned in me.
I didn't think I'd write like this about you,
But I can still feel the day you no longer felt like my hometown.
Coming home to you was lackluster and toxic at best - but I still drank it up like it was sweet wine.
Oh, how it still stings.

Finally, you have set me free and I can love you for that because you knew I was too weak to do it myself.
But here I stand tall - I am feeling like I'm starting to breathe and it is so divine.
I think I am floating.

One day I'll taste the sweet serenity of someone who'll listen to my songs and crave my soul and knows how to survive a storm.
But for now, I can only be my biggest supporter.
I can't look for conformation in another being without learning to love the silence.

"I'll take care of you
I'll nurture you
I'll guide you through and to anew
I'll take you so far to a place where you'll be able to build yourself better.
I love you and all your soul, body, and mind.
Don't be terrified, don't let him pull you down, don't let him fool you that he cared about you.
Let this story grow old and crinkle.
He didn't know how lucky he was."

Today I felt alone.
The kind of alone where all you
want is to talk to someone
- to make you feel whole again.

But I was never empty without them.
Just a little hollow.
A type of hollowness that everyone struggles through at some point
- no matter the mind or body.

I don't want to rely on others,
but I feel my ego is too powerful
right now to think anything else.

But let us think positive.
I do not feel sad - just slow.
Just quiet.
Just still.
Just like nature.

We are never alone when we have nature.
We just are deconstructing the concept of busyness, speed, and time.

Don't worry your mind.
This all shall pass,
but in this moment
just be still.

I'm a modern woman.
I give so much love and healing words to others,
but leave myself empty until I'm bird bones.
Maybe one day I'll learn to be more tender and love myself like a painting worshipped in the Louvre.
I'll treat my body the way I treat a lover.
I'll kiss myself up and down until I go numb.
I'll feed myself the sweetest peaches, plums, and cherries.
I'll finally see all my curves as rivers and valleys blooming endlessly with flowers the color of the setting sun.
I know this is journey that cannot be rushed into,
but my mind is more stubborn than I am.
So I must learn to be patient,
I must learn to be kind,
I must learn to give myself a minute.
I'll fake it every day until one morning I'll wake up and see myself as soft,
as beautiful,
as elegant,
as powerful
as the Renaissance women worshipped in museums.
I've looked like them all this time.

Baby, you really hurt me
letting me think that we could have been something.
I should have known months ago
when you stopped saying hello and started leaving me on read.

I would pull back
but would keep hanging on
thinking this was going to go somewhere.

If you weren't serious all you had to do was tell me.
Instead, you left me outside waiting in the storm.
Having second thoughts should have been the first sign.
Thinking I deserve someone that does not leave me on read,
but at last, I was too naive.
So I stayed waiting by my phone and waiting for that light.

But now I realize it's just too cold out in this storm.
I tried being an adult asking where do you wanna go from here,
but I guess you just didn't have the time to answer me.
That's okay, maybe I won't get this past year back,
but I have too much to look forward to than worrying about someone who just doesn't care.

Baby, you really hurt me
thinking that this was going somewhere.
Baby, don't worry I can tell you don't care about me anymore
the way I believed you did.
Baby, don't worry I'm woman enough to realize I deserve better now.

This might be over soon,
but I can not guarantee you happiness.
The mind loves to play tricks on you,
but you have to promise me not to be a fool.
Don't get lost in the silence.
Don't get drowned out by the darkness.
What happened to the days when you outshined the sun?
You never know, this might be over soon.  

You rise, eat, and work so you believe everything is alright,
but your thoughts haven't been too kind to you.
They grow wild at night and they won't make nice.
Maybe one day, they'll instead sing you to sleep.

Maybe one day you'll rediscover your love for isolation,
but lately, I feel you have been struggling with the concept of loneliness versus being alone.
It's not your fault you found love in the comfort of your bed,
but maybe one day you'll learn you can't make a home out of it.
Maybe one day you'll have hope that you'll rise again,
and shine bright like the sun like you did when you were young.

When I was 16 I was happy.
Dancing around,
having fun in the summer.
Imagining the future to be something sweet.
My dreams were vast.
My hopes were taller than cliffs.
I was having fun.

When I was 21 I was lonely.
Wasting around,
sleeping through the summer.
Remembering the past as being something sweet.
My dreams were undecided.
My hopes were scattered all around.
I was tired of crying.

Sorry if I'm quiet.
Sorry, I'm just not sure what to say,
but I hope you stick around because I love your company.
I understand if you have other plans.
Just know I'm here too.
In the back, alone, observing my surroundings.
Overthinking every little thing about everything
I'm too shy of saying.

Sorry if I'm not enough for you,
but baby, just trust me and stick around.
Let me warm up.
Let me get comfortable.
Let me sink in.
Then you will truly see my soul and all that I can give.

But I understand if patience is not your cup of tea,
and I'm not enough for you.
That's okay I'll just sit here and watch you leave.
I'll just sit back alone and watch you disappear into the arms of someone else.
Someone who is as bright as the sun
and someone exciting as a storm.
Don't mind me, I can keep myself warm.
For I have survived so many winters alone.