I walk through the park every day.
Sometimes I squeeze through the crowd and toss a coin into the fountain, longing vibrating through every molecule of my body.
I’ve done it maybe twenty times now. I wish for the same thing each time.
(I can’t say what it is, though— then it won’t come true. And I really need it to.)

Amid a cluster of intermingling people, I stand almost-alone;
Me and my coin and my one wish.

I wonder, sometimes, how much it matters.
If I’m just deluding myself and tossing  
pennies nickels dimes quarters
Into the water, emptying my wallet splash after splash in naive pursuit of something I know I will never have.

Small children join me in tossing nuggets of wishful thinking, their parents laughing at the naivete of it all.
I imagine a world where I don’t rely on a coin to shift my luck.

I wonder if I know somewhere beneath this self-deception that it doesn’t matter.
That no matter how many pennies I toss,
No matter how many stars I wish on,
No matter how many dandelions I blow into the wind, eyes squeezed tight with desperate desire,
Sometimes wishes just don’t come true.

But I know I’ll toss another coin in tomorrow. I don’t have to wonder about that.

In Georgia, it is 82 degrees.
Sweltering sticky heat and air so thick with humidity
It’s like you’re swimming through syrup
Weigh me down.
Sweat slips down my spine like living water, a reminder that
I am here— uncomfortable, yes, but not quite hurting.
People smile. I smile back.

In New York, it’s 39 degrees.
Wind whips at my face, rendering my cheeks rosy and stinging my eyes with tears.
My teeth chatter, rattling my whole jaw with them.
The subtle pain reminds me I’m alive.
I’m not quite sure when I decided pain and existence were synonymous
But I did
And today is another reminder.
I smile. No one smiles back.

At least they’re alive. At least I am.

It was dark for so long before you entered this world
Towing all the light in the universe behind you.
Like some cosmic miracle, everything changed.  
A flash and a bang and, suddenly, a whole world bloomed from nothingness.

Everything in this great new world is glowing, and I know that  
Even if it is just the two of us  
Standing for eternity in this empty universe,
I am unafraid.

Your hands hold all the warmth I can fathom. Your eyes hold all the stars I can name.
The sun is bright. It is warm. You are here.
I can see infinity in your eyes.
I can see everything. I can see you.

Looking for the “watermelon girl” from Sam’s Club earlier. I thought you looked like you were planning a party, but maybe you just really liked fruit. I watched you put six melons in the cart and then make a call. You nodded and held the phone between your cheek and shoulder, adding seven more melons to the cart. One of them dropped and rolled towards me. I picked it up and gave it to you, joking, “Have enough yet?” (Stupid joke, sorry) You responded, “I hope so. She always loved melons.” Then I noticed the tears on your face. I left you to finish your conversation.

Anyway, I was the guy with the bad joke and the brown hair. Wearing a green button down and blue jeans. You were the girl with dark curly hair and a blue dress. And the watermelons.

I hope it ended up being enough. I hope you see this.

Get your bag for the day.
Fill it with the essentials:  
Wallet Keys Phone Mace Pens Pocket-knife Lotion ID card Whistle Tampons.
Head out.
Double check that the door is locked.
Triple check. (Are you really sure?)
Walk to the subway.
Look at the sky. The sun is shining. (It always is.)
Look behind you. (Double check.)
Stroll. (But not too slow.)
Get to the station.
Swipe your card.
Drop a dollar in the guitar case of a performer.
Smile.
Avoid eye contact with anyone else.
Don’t smile.
Grip your bag. Tight.
Get off the train.
Walk up the stairs.
Walk into the street.
Look at the sky. The sun is still shining. (It always is.)

1. Sometimes your heart rate rivals that of a racehorse— remember that you’re not in a race. Breathe slower; think slower. The world moves fast enough.
2. You were not born to carry the world on your shoulders.
3. Everything happens for a reason— there is a divine plan in place. If you look closely, you can see the borders of the puzzle. You can see each piece settling into its place. Know that you are also settling into your place, even if the whole picture hasn’t yet been revealed.
4. Others’ perception of you has very little to actually do with you. It is not your job to be palatable, to be dainty, to be condensable into something bite-size and picturesque. If they cannot fathom your magnitude, it is not for them to fathom.
5. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder.
6. “Do small things with great love.”
7. Words lacking purpose seldom make their way into our collective consciousness; cliches are cliches for a reason. Listen to them.
8. Every word in a sentence has a purpose. Every sentence in a phrase has a purpose. Everything has a purpose. Pay attention to it all.
9. “There is no fear in love.”
10. Infinities are made up of individual moments. Moments are made up of individual infinities. Cherish it all, the big and the small.
11. Don’t let fear destroy relationships. Speak with intention. It shows that you listen. It shows that you care.
12. Be the shoulder your thirteen-year-old self needed to cry on. She is gone, but there are so many just like her. Care for them, as you would yourself. Care more.
13. Good company makes bad food taste a little better. Good people make the life you live a little sweeter.
14. Sometimes you need to look people in the eyes and tell them you love them. It matters more than you know.
15. Others will not always afford you the same compassion you afford them. You are not responsible for how others treat you. You are responsible for how you treat them.
16. Everyone deserves kindness.
17. Anger can be productive, but don’t sit in it too long. Take a small weekend trip into the fury, but once the time is up, give it a kiss on the cheek and a quick wave and make your exit. You do not want to live in the rage; pay a visit and learn a thing or two, then pack your bags and say goodbye. You have better places to be.
18. Vulnerability is power.
19. Every moment is infinitely important. Don’t wake up one day and wonder if your best days are behind you; they are always ahead. Time waits for no one, and you shouldn’t want it to.