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mjad Jan 2019
My head is against the hard plastic, my hair softening the uncomfortable edge
I catch a sliver of the snowstorm when I look out, blocked by his silhouette
My hands place themselves on his waist, preparing for the worst
Lips on lips feeling the unequal pressure and my heart feels it's cursed
My chest feels strange as he transfers his kisses and finds my hands
I feel him pressing against me and I sink myself into the stained fabric as far away as I can
My body tenses and my mind tells it to stop but it doesn't understand
His movements are choppy as he tries to explore the new terrain
Does he know this terrain is 17 years young
Because the ground can tell the excavator is at least 21
Teeth collide with my lips and I cringe at the lack of skills for a man
My eyes drift to the snow outside the warm well used minivan
Wishing how badly I could be a snowflake on the other side of the glass
I pull my sweater up
And let him take off my bra clasp by clasp
But I don't want him
I don't want this to last
mjad Nov 2018
I often wonder about my own origin
I wonder how much of me is from just one woman
I also wonder if I am anything like the man
Does my DNA from her make me the good student I am
Does it explain my ever present sarcasm and attitude
I wonder if we have the same personality or mood
I wonder about my appearance and hers
Does her hair also fall down her back or shape her curves
Does it reflect in the same golden way that mine does
Does she also let hers grow too long just because

I know you from online
And from the few files I find
Is my height, or lack thereof, from you?
(After all, I'm only five foot two)
Do all my half siblings know of me, or just you?
Do you talk to my father? Does he want to meet too?

I meet you this week
17 years or 6,463 days
Not a moment too late
A reunion like an awkward first date
I was told to "expect nothing" from it
That I can easily call to just quit
But I know more everyday that I am ready
I want my family tree to be a little less webby

I want you to know I am not mad
I do not cry because I am sad
You are the reason I live the life I have
I cannot be more grateful for that

I understand the choice you made
That raising me was a price you had to pay
Your past is not something to regret
The questions I have are nothing to fret
You might fear the how's and why's
But they're the last thing on my mind
I just want to meet you for you
And to thank you for giving me the chance to live anew
I meet my birthmother later this week and I am full of emotions, but I want all birthmothers to know that the last question an adoptee has on their mind is  "why?" We want to know YOU, the you of today, so do not be scared. ( ps. If youre an adoptee too, hmu! I am here for you on your journey)
mjad Nov 2018
Put your head on my shoulder
Whisper in my ear
Baby
Words I want to hear
Tell me
Tell me that you love me too

Put your hand on my thigh now
Get my Snapchat
Baby
Send a pic like that
Show me
Show me you wanna **** too
Inspired by Paul Anka's "put your head on my shoulder" how young couples communicate "love." Then the first stanza vs. now the second stanza
mjad Nov 2018
The back of his head makes me shake my own
As I see him walk past me in the halls all alone

I wish my hands could be messing around in his hair
But I cannot force back feelings that just are not there
mjad Nov 2018
Of all the fun Ive ever had
Almost all I've never told you
From vaping in the car
To drinking in my friends basement bar
Almost all I've never told you
Nearly crashing a car
Kissing strangers just for fun
Smelling like **** a ton
Sneaking out to a friend's wedding
To seeing the cops pull up and dreading
You hearing about all the fun I've had that I've never told you
But you never knew, never found out about
The times I don't want to forget
You don't know about them yet
And my only regret out of all of it
Is that I can't tell you one bit
Part 2 to "Fun"
mjad Nov 2018
the fire left sparks on my sleeve
You stood ten feet across from me
on the other side of the flames
they reflected in your eyes
the ocean blue turned arsony
and I could see all our memories
burning
mjad Oct 2018
Our song comes on as you hit the gas
75 on the freeway
You're going too fast
But today you don't care
You shout the lyrics
And play with my wind tangled hair
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