In, out.
Silence.

I notice
the particles of dust
illuminated
by the sunlight beaming through my window.

They float
through golden streaks
around the books
sitting untouched on the old wooden shelf.

Dancing around my hand
Swirling, swimming
as I reach my hand to touch the light.

With you, I find peace.
I find peace through the night and
Through the thunderstorms.

i fall down
down
down

my body thumps, hard
against the cold, dry earth

pain soars through
my body

i run my tongue
over my teeth
tasting
blood
i feel
warmth behind my head

it's liquid
it's blood

oh

i'm dying

A new minute had come to life
Exploding
with each new second
Which gave it an identity
Something to be
recognized by
This minute existed all over the Earth,
In this minute all the humans take one
breath
together
Heartbeats of everything which has a heart
Beating
In this minute
A minute when laughter erupts
Babies cry
and old ones die
A minute when the stars twinkle brightly
Their beautiful essence
So far
away
A minute when the trees sway in the wind
Their leaves green and dancing,
All the life that comes from them
rejoicing
A minute when eyes will look and
see
everything around them
For the first time or
the last
A minute that could be one you'll always remember
Or one which was so ordinary
That you forgot

the struggle of learning
of knowing

what am i supposed to do
now

now i see
now i know

knowledge comes with a
price

As I sit here, waiting
I think about what would happen
If someone found out
I'm not supposed to be here

I ponder the consequences
Of my impulsiveness
In seventeen minutes
I'll be gone from here

What could happen in seventeen minutes?
Sixteen, actually, look at the time
I think about what might happen
From now until then

The cameras are watching
Has no one found out about me?
Fifteen minutes now says the clock
Fifteen minutes of freedom

why
do you bother with me?

what am I
but another torn
plastic bag stuck
to a tree branch?

what do I
have to offer
this beautiful,
broken world?

I make too
many mistakes.
I fall down
much too often.

so why
why
do you bother with me?

Wish me luck on the stars above
Their silver seams gleam in your eyes
I stare for just a moment too long
Soon I am mesmerized by you

Wish me luck on the cold blue rivers
That race through my heart like ice
I look to yours for warmth and comfort
Afraid that I will scare you away

Wish me luck on the peaceful music
The sounds blend together with grace
I share with you what I cannot say
Hopeful that you will sing with me

If you knew
all the thoughts that come to me
when I'm alone at 3 am,
troubled and depressed

Would you still sit next to me,
in such close proximity,
making my heart pound so loud
to read over my shoulder?

If you saw the red lines that mark
my pale stomach,
and saw what I see
when I look at myself,

Would you still smile at me
from across the room,
offer to play some game
I don't know the rules to?

If you knew how many times I
skipped meals,
how many times I wanted to disappear
and never come back,

Would you still stand to be
in my presence, untroubled?
Would you love me
the same way?

The answer is no,
because the real me
is scared, ugly and raw.
It would be unbearable to love me again

So I'll keep it hidden
I'll cover up the scars that haunt my memories
and put on a believable smile
before letting you see me

But oh, it still hurts,
so, so much,
because even though you don't know the truth,
I do.

the music starts
shhhhh...
the dancers silently
slowly
sway to the melody
their breaths even and
silent
the piano is soft
no one speaks
or whispers
as the dancers move,
not a step out of place

Behind that laughter (it's a facade)
and my clean
unbroken arms,

I hide my deepest secret
from the world.

No one feels the blade
as it tears across my belly,
besides me.

(I can't help but smile)
I know that no one knows
and that's how it should be,
because to them,
it doesn't exist.

And it shouldn't.




But it does.

The sunlight caresses her dark cheeks and she smiles
She runs her fingertips over those soft, dewy, red petals of a rose
Her bare brown feet step over the broken twigs without a sound
The blue sky smiles down at her from above the dogwood trees

Sometimes I feel stuck
like there are cotton *****
stuffed in my head,
muffling my senses.
They make it hard to concentrate.
I try to feel something,
anything,
but the cotton ***** are blocking the way
to my emotions.
When I try to tell someone,
they scoff at me and tell me
to stop trying to get attention.
I hope one day I'll feel better.
For now,
I'm stuck in the middle of cotton *****,
hoping someday,
one day,
I'll break free.

sometimes we feel trapped--
isolated from the world,
like the air inside a bright red balloon
or the unseen ocean inside a conch shell--
like the idea stuck inside my head
before i write it down.

we feel forgotten, like the world
cannot see us anymore--
we are the picture in the frame
behind the one that touches the glass,
the water before it flows from the tap,
the sunrise before it reaches the horizon.

we feel like we're almost there,
but not yet--
we've woken up in the morning,
but we haven't opened our eyes--
we've opened the window,
but the breeze still hasn't come--
we're almost there,
but we're still so far away.

Whenever I close my eyes, I see your smile.
(A thousand doves cannot compare)
It takes me awhile
but I remember the smell of your hair
and how it glistened like gold in the sunlight.

How can I forget someone like you?
You turned me upside down
and made me view the world from your perspective.
(How special is a moment with you)
I wish you were still here, with me.

no one sees what happens when you're alone
no one understands the depth of your mind
alone, you don't have to pretend to be someone else
alone, you are free to be who you are inside
alone, you don't have to hide under a mask
you can take off your clothes
let down your hair
wash your face
stop pretending
and live

I see a magazine at the checkout
A half naked woman is on the cover
and rude words are splayed across the paper
I wonder who writes such crap

I see a little girl staring at the woman
whose body is obviously altered
Please don't listen to those lies,
I silently plead with her in my head

I see another girl looking at the magazine
This one is older, a teenager
She picks up the tabloid and flips through
"WEIGHT LOSS TIPS" is where she stops

I want to tell them both that they are not fat
I want to tell them that they don't need to listen
they don't need to look
they don't need to change

But I already know it's too late
when they both buy a copy
and leave
I sigh and try not to think about it too much

the sight of a one year old baby
attempting to eat a sandy shell
on the shore of north carolina
makes me wonder
if i ever did something like that
when i was that young


















plot twist

i remember, of course not
because i was born at 56

A burgundy heart
thumps loudly under slick skin;
Droplets of gray rain come running down
a bare chest.

Cold, ****** hands grasp
whatever they can seek,
Lungs gasping for air that gives them nothing;
throat stinging as it screams

Colorless eyes squeeze shut in exhaustion
as sharp crimson pain
floods through;
Screaming in agony

Time halts in its tracks --
Fear floods the mind
as wet, throbbing fingers
lose their grip.

you open a mason jar
full of sticky,
bitterly sweet honey

your fingers stick
to the jar

and refuse
to release

you then realize
the honey

was actually
brown cement

why me?
you think,
annoyed

Sweet cinnamon sifts through the air
Buns from a bakery are warm
their sticky glaze drizzled atop
the golden, cinnamon filled delights

Soft sunlight penetrates the dark blue ocean
where it silently illuminates the waters
beams of light fall from the sky
to touch the quiet coral.