I've met people I didn't think were human
and I've broken the human in me trying to figure them out

An absence of being; sights of you everywhere at once
and the night has me casted into the sky

I want to be anywhere but here

The lines on your face intrigued me
And the smile that barely made an appearance you dared me

The door was unlocked
Your hand made its way down my *****
And I wanted you closer

As the lights turned out…
It stopped

It was as if our love was nocturnal
Not love;
Our passion;
Not passion;
Our 15 seconds of fame

But whatever it was
It’s over now

And now my story is in the hands of whomever
I won't reach out anymore,
Because I pull too hard

It turns sadness into a flower growing in the shadows

Stopping at green lights
Burning through stars
As I was stargazing

babies cry when they are unleashed from the cage they lived in
they roar so loud
for the attention that they so need
has anyone ever questioned though
what lies underneath?
all of the happiness
all of the sadness
the tremendous weeks

here you go.

a vivid light shines above my head
is there food coming
finally something to eat?
a sudden rush of Coca-Cola pours through this gigantic hole
cough cough  
I choke on the coca-cola
"momma's got to warn me when it's coming"

It's so boring being alone in here
I guess I can jump up and down
turn all around

Momma's voice motivates me
to keep jumping
doin' back flips
and ninja kicks

I hear faint voices of my mommy telling someone to massage her belly
"oh no!"
This hurts so badly

when am I DUE
Cuz I am THROUGH

With this torture!

My seat slowly shaped
Into a moving sphere
My legs slowly gave
To the lack of steer
Conscious of my eyes
And how my body lyes
Conscious of my demeanor
And how I traced my "i's"

I couldn't help but wonder
Does he try to hide his wandering eyes
Does he secretly wanna hear my name?
*Does he pick up on that these nerves are all part of a silly game?

do the holidays have to happen on such untimely moments ?
I don't have the warmth of his presence cascading me into a field of dreams and loving on me until the end of time. I don't have the sound of angels whispering in my ears or something to make this holiday season feel special.
I have time. But I'd rather have you.

This Christmas I don't want to go see the family. Be reminded hes not beside me, be reminded he isn't in this family portrait. It doesn't feel jolly, and fine I'm the Grinch. But at least the Grinch has a dog by his side. One that loves him for all of his hatred.

you did nothing wrong. Not the couples on the street that walk merrily along the path of tomorrow. You did nothing wrong. My grandma asking why I. . .

no.

not even you.

when you stare at the same thing
it tends to get boring
rather mundane

so my question to you:
do all pretty girls look the same?

symmetrically perfect
in every which way
flawless and gorgeous
no showing of disdain

the only separation

is maybe a switch in eye
a larger hip or thigh?

but those imperfect girls
they have got something most people despise
they have a difference.

but those differences are mighty and big
they make a twig or a pebble
a stick or a boulder

they portray a beautiful masterpiece
that you are fortunate to not have to pay to see
they interest the eye

and you wonder why

why were they ignored all of these years
left in the dust
expecting them to feel love
when no one sends it their way

Still-
nearly every crinkled blessing, every gift of knowledge, whose arthritis gets on their bad side from time to time and words must be repeated because they do wanna hear, it's just harder

soft hearted, but tough spirited elderly. I see quite a bold line between middle aged and elderly. It's like the sun setting into orange from red. Appreciation for being able to live. That's as simple as it is. Bills go up the wall and you live for the smaller things, watching tv. A smile always ready for a young adult or adolescent

I get it,
you just stopped loving me in the time it takes to catch a snowflake. Slowly melting the strings to an arrangement of two and all of this time you said: I love you. Like it was a phone and you answer the same question daily. It just spits out of your mouth with no hesitation- never once was there hesitation. Never once did the words run themselves through your body. You would have felt it. Love is an emotion. You can't tell me you feel nothing.

my second mouth doesn't have to say a word yet it’s heard louder than words themselves. they leave the scene when they see the obscene face I inherited from my folks. the same kids who are so called into reading, couldn’t tell I was broke.

If is such an iffy word
If you can stand alone
Stand with arms wide open
Don't tell me you're alone
Ever

Nights were called nights
Because they always had an ending of a fright
mysteries lingering around the old tree
tampered grounds only messed with when seen

what happens when we sleep
our eyelids pursed shut
trying to head off to a mystical hut

are we programmed to hide
From what lingers outside?

or is sleeping just a way to rejuvenate
Bend time

I recommend you journey
Find out for yourself
If what's outside is pleasurable
Or bound to head south

If I wrote you a poem
there would be a rhyme
*but where's the reason?

A thin line
is what separates our kind
from normal.

A different thought
is what confuses the masses
and we leave them behind

we keep moving forward
in extraordinary ways
proving that everyone was wrong
and we know that we truly do belong

Our techniques and logics
are very exotic
the patterns that we create
are not mistakes
and that we are willing to take
any adventure that life throws our way

New achievements are unlocked
when we don't follow the flock

New happiness is found
when we stand our ground

New gratitude is captured
when we thank our life chapter

life has never been the same
ever since we came

Don't let your insides die
help them survive

we all can think in extraordinary ways
it's only gonna happen
if you wanna be more than Okay

I'd rather live my life not knowing
When I'll pack up my belongings
And wave cold goodbyes to my loved ones
Watch them heal themselves at the funeral
Which isn't really for me
But for their hurt hearts
It'll be then when my world transforms
To black and white
Colorless
No more happiness
They cry when I'm born
They cry when I die
And thy cry with every little other thing
That's hurt me in my life
Why is sadness a thing?
Sadness is like a *** of gum
It has that initial burst of flavor
Which slowly fades away
But you still chew it
Because it's there
And you just for some reason
You don't let it go
Until you go to bed
Where you can just experience
A nightmare
Instead
Though I'd rather not know my death day
Until the snow is melted
And I am imbetted
In the ground

Nothing really is over
it just no longer continues
to be important
for example
you are dating this boy
he is what you envisioned
as your ultimate fantasy
things go chaotic
and nevertheless,
you break up
see
the connection you once made
doesn’t disappear
it fades away
and if you never made a connection
then there was nothing started
in the first place
every person you have ever contacted
any person you have kissed
anybody who has a been a best friend
is important
but when you distant the connection
modern term
defriend ex boyfriend
that person slowly vanishes
into oblivion
but the thing is
it’s not over
truly they aren’t important to bettering your life anymore

Not today will I stand to fall back down. I’ll begin to swell my eyes into bodies of water that no one really knows what’s underneath. I won't reply to your text, because you do that to me. Leave me on read as if I’m a book from your childhood that you forgot even existed. You’re waiting. For a response I’m guessing. But I can’t respond. I just write because I can see what’s happening to me instead of just feeling it. I really really like you, this is the longest, first true relationship I’ve ever been in. This time I’ll leave you on read. You can have a dose of what the silent treatment is. Am I first on your priority list? I say this because I know you hang out with your guy friends and never have time for me. I can’t lie to myself because I want this relationship to be my final. I have to know what my heart feels and you say you have to clean up the mess you made. How big of a mess did you make?? And does it take you all day? I knew coming into this it hurts either way. But for god sakes I don’t want it to end this way. I’m not giving up, letting go of the rope of uncertainty. Because with what you’ve said it seems like you like me a lot. A lot a lot. I know there are things you have to do. Like, your dad’s home so I can’t come over. What were you planning? I love your kisses and intimate moments, but is that all you like about me? I’m upset and angry because it makes me feel better. That I can depend on myself more than anyone else. You work everyday and are completely unemployed from my life. I want to work on this, but I know you’ll never read this, as will anyone else. That’s not the point of writing this. I just wanted to, without words, tell him how I felt. Excuse after excuse, I’m starting to expect a “no.” But I can’t stat waiting-I have to keep going. We’re already treading on water and the age difference doesn’t help. My dad already doesn’t the relationship, and maybe he is too immature. He’s going to be a sophomore in high school and I just graduated high school. He still has a lot of memories to make.

I pressed my palm firmly on the desk
Watched my skin transform into a pale wreck
it's a doing of dirt
But which had to be done
I was going to tell him
What feelings have come
I gulped for air
but it vanished
What I felt was a secure feeling of famished
my teeth slammed together
A force of a traffic jam
my tongue was hidden
Like I wish I was
A smile hopped over my face
Literally hopped over
Because one second it was there
And the next I'm in despair
The whole plan was over
because nerves exist
Even when I wanted to persist

I feel pretty when he's not around
it's like he's a stonewall
falling on my crown

don't expect anything

but...
be pleasantly surprised




I knew something was wrong when I forgot to notice the sunrise
it did not make my heart chirp are my body tingle

it was another day
I am afraid

"sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down"

hello
he said he had a great memory,
but do you think that applies to me?
Hey
he kissed the inside and out of my mouth
a closet full of fragmented words
and unfinished poems
worries and expectations
hi
he doesn't reply with meaning, he replies so I will leave him
sup
I don't think it's natural to cling onto something and you're not even a thought in his head
you ask yourself- you've never been after him before
he found you..
Why am I the one storing the pain and backup of feelings?
holding tenderly what was there
and you'll never know his words verbatim running through his mind,
and if that's all I want, what do I get?

is the reason so many people are blue
because the sky is casting down on us
and the rare times that we are happy
the sun is breaking through
breaking through the struggles
life's hardships
that one huge sun, but oh so small compared to the sky
can make a beautiful day just by perseverance
we owe it to the sun for being our example
*one to look up to

I want to write something more peaceful, leave out the abrupt stops and room for letters to roam free. Nearly every word so close they can almost touch but that wouldn't look right. I want you to not feel dragged along a bumpy road that jolts you every which way and it's not even fun. My worst nightmare would be to make you feel your watching a fuzzy black and white tv screen and feel the helplessness that I feel when writing this.

it's a stretch of imagination
to believe anyone,
in their right mind,
could want to unlock the doors
take off the sheets underneath
slip in through the back door
surprise you in your sleep
make up excuses
tell you the truth
mean what they say

I don't want to wait
I'm not patient enough for this

I will not try to hurt you, he said
I will just hurt you and leave you to the sea

I need a remedy
a remedy for insecurity
some magical potion
that will act as a lotion for that unbearable
world in front of me
what caused this
who  knows
how to end it
I want to know
please
I beg of you
my friends
dear friends
is there a trick
a miracle
handbook
that has all of the answers
cause that would be great
or is the answer somewhere closer
within reach
or maybe is the answer
not very far apart
but maybe in my heart?....

I'm the person that's been living under a rock- AND LET ME TELL YOU it's been the best experience but most challenging in my life

Because rocks are overlooked like a lot of human beings, sought under the ground hanging onto their roots- clenching and praying even if they don't believe in anything

Your life will never pause, it'll just tick without your permission, move you along the day at its own willingness

eyes soaked in day-old makeup,
hands numb from sleeping on them too long,
hair with enough grease to shine a car,
picking at my head, just to see it snow
in the fall when everyone goes back to school
in the autumn where children learn apostrophes
and commas and semi colons
when they learn being creative is breaking the rules
and rule breakers often go to jail, or even prison
I remember hearing the sound of crackers clanking
and smashing around in my mouth when I was
around 4 years old
I couldn't understand why I heard such loud sounds
and wondered if anyone else heard me?
I still wonder if anyone hears me
that the words don't just go through the optic nerve,
but they travel to the heart sooner

I'll keep my sadness at bay
where it won't spread into the depths of the unknown

maybe this way I can swim to safety
maybe I can catch a ride by a passerby

I will take a warm hand anyway
the upward curve of a smile
a glimpse of human
that's all I need

Looking in the mirror every day
We see ourselves in the exact same position
Not changing in any way
Getting used to our flaws
What drives us crazy and up the wall
And the proportions of our face
The rotation of our waist
Never questioning what lies underneath
Your blood and teeth
Hoping that's what everyone else sees...

the scent of you would be my favorite perfume. I'd walk to your doorstep,
as early as two. Because I want to feel that indescribable feeling. I wan't to be with you.

and it's not *** or desire that I'm looking for. it's the warmth from your hair, the fire from the blanket we both share.

but for now, I can only absorb my dreams. Pretend it's my only reality. only. why can't it be? See the struggle that is approaching me?

I shiver
I freeze to the bone
the.warmth of his love has experienced it's first frost

the hardest truths are the simplest
but most difficult to understand

I've had a bad day

like that gay song announces
every time it plays
and the words have never cut into my soul
like today-
the knives breaking every last bit
of flesh I've ever birthed
how do you stray from these bad days?
sing a sad song
just to turn it around?
evidently-
it wont work
sad songs bring me down
sometimes I'm okay with that.
but not today
not today am I okay with the fact
that my life completely and utterly
SUX!

Pale faces and burned out mistakes. See, I can’t see your past on your face. But I can see what it has done to you

I can see the marks of joy and tears that have wrapped themselves around your eyes. Holding on a death grip

They will not fall

I see how social media has cropped out everyone you love
Blurred out what you wanted to say
I see how social media has made your reflection grainy
Make you confused on your true identity
See, you can’t pick your emotions like your photos
Can’t fake a real-life moment with a smile
Have others see the parts of you only those who have seen the worst should have the luxury of seeing

don't give them your good side

until they've seen you at the breaking point

whose to say he wasn't looking at you when you were looking away?
but whose to say he ever looks your way

an unsettled gap between my stomach and back
a nerving tone of voice
is what my dad has.

my dads insufficient ways to encourage church
included yelling, guilt tripping, and personal traps
is some of his pestering crap.

church is a lovely place of gathering
though if you believe
that's one thought bubble
I'd like to leave .

I stopped believing after he pestered me for years
his brainwashing cycles
needed a clean.

it's my life
particularly my dream

you can control my birth
what I eat
the rules of the family

but not my beliefs...

deforestation; what is now occurring in the habitat I call home. Does my body dislike me? Does it have its secrets and tells the world. I want to be the penny that drops in the middle of a deadly quiet class. I want to be the  rat, who is so awfully hated, that they have now made traps. I want myself to pay attention to me. I think that is something in which we all believe. My friends are the world, along with me and my beautiful family. Sometimes I don't feel the support but I suppose I'm not made of spaghetti. Plastered in some kids bowl, tangling me up like he knows what he likes and being so helpless...but I'm so happy I have support.

I can picture him behind the lens, noticing the small specks of dirt on the glass and rubbing it in, slowly making it worse with his thumb. Trying to help but making it worse. But that's all he knows.

We need to remember we don't know everything, and as the sun dries up our spirits, drink a glass of water. Feel it enter your throat and dance through your body.

I can picture him taking the photograph anyway. He may have seen it differently, but the picture came out spotless. Eyes that have been nestled in the belief that a smudge is a stain. A stain is something bad, you must immediately get rid of it. But I think you should just go with it.

I tried telling myself the black smudges around my eyes were decorations only to attract a guy. That the dark purple veins that were reaching to grab a hold of my rough terrain were a symbol of strength and love. And I tried telling myself that telling the truth might actually save me from the fires of Hell.

*the fire is raging, and so are my tall tales

i survived this Valentine's day alone

I thought of an odd personality facet I have earlier today in class
I grin, smile, beam, twinkle, simper, leer, smirk
my cheeks feel as if they were about to burst
like a balloon that when I'm around someone who breathes
the balloon slowly expands into a rubbery piece of rubber
and right when it's inflated fully...
it pops.
all of the air floats away and makes someone else's day
and I'm left cold and let's face it, sad.
this cycle repeats constantly
and I don't know if I should breathe
because if I do, someone else will be happy and it wont be me

And in the end,
You still blame me.

I've never been to heights like this,
But I've brought a parachute and I've reached the ground

The stars don't allign like they used to.
But neither does my smile

Daylight rocks me back into reality,
And the night lulls me into a dream I have not yet explored

do my expectations not phase a single person?
extremely carefully
I pick the proper picture
edit it with some pixie dust
and it's off
it is now the portrayers duty
to determine their thoughts upon my looks
heaven nows what they think
not a like in the first 5
yet the agony of knowing someones online
1 notification
let's see who it may be
just my uncle
have he no shame?
waiting impatiently
I've went to my witts
created a whole nother account
just to like the masterpiece
call me crazy
that would be an accurate depiction
but I'm sure you'd agree
being loved
is better than anything
so..
if you don't mind me asking..
would you like my profile picture?

the sound of a smell
the feeling of a sight
the weirdness I feel
has never felt so right
typical human qualities
drive me insane
it's those ones
that get the human brain
it just doesn't flow
well I don't have flow
I have a different kind of mojo
one that is distinct
everybody recognizes me for
the one that gets overlooked
and people don't quite look for
in a race I come in last
just to embrace
the flow of the wind brushing past
yes
you have come to realize
I care more
**for the meaningless things

Does your head feel it physically.. the lack of breathing from thoughts that rise and fall over the ***? Do your hands feel unused, marks from the pencil that you used in school? Does your heart never get visitors, because the people that have tried have died from the change in weather.

The illness started from your head, to your toes.
You are now dead, and we are foes.

with tight lips
to not let any of me slip
I the embodiment of fear
wrapped in a gold cloth
I am rich
rich in potential
its raining over me
so much that I can't see


Where I am going