I thought the stars had aligned
I thought he was meant to be mine
I opened myself to him
Heart in hand
Offered him the best version
Of who I am
He was my only lover
But to him
I was only another

I no longer dread the question that nobody knows how to answer
Because instead of hiding my emotions behind a wall of lies I speak the truth
Instead of telling them I feel fine I tell them that I don’t want to breath anymore
And I can’t help but scoff when they tell me I have so much to be grateful for

They don’t know me
I hate how people assume

They tell me that I should be grateful for my parents
But my parents are why I run on anti-depressants
And it’s not because of what they did but what they didn’t do
Those pills I take are because my mom died in front of me
Those pills I need are because my dad ran away from me
Those pills I live on are because my brother is the only family I have left, and no matter how much I love him he always hates me

I was told to be grateful for my friends
But my friends are why I get so drunk I can’t even find the floor
And its not because they ignore me, but because my only friends suicide, depression and sadness keep pounding on my door
Depression keeps telling me that life would be better if I give up trying to avoid him
Sadness keeps trying to tell me that I would breath easier if I stopped running away from him
Suicide keeps telling me that I won’t have to deal with Depression or Sadness if I just listened to him

I was told I should try to be happy more
But its gotten to the point where I’ve cried so hard I can’t even cry anymore
I mean you can’t blame someone who doesn’t have anything to be grateful for

Almost
found a hope that prevails
reaching for me under a starlit tent
Almost
built a boat that sails
across all oceans as they bend
Almost
filled my book with tales
an anthology of moments I didn't attend

Almost
what a terrible word
holding such a stinging truth
Almost
felt like it's all worth the hurt
while wasting years of restless youth
Almost
called out and haven't been unheard
found something I couldn't lose


Almost
thought any path would get me there
where wholesomeness is not just hearsay
Almost
kept a fire in sight that brought me to where
I would find the light of day
Almost
made them proud of me, made them care
made them listen to what I had to say

And now
from where I stand
a lyrical sadness
paper in my hand
I know this is true
                                                            ­             I can almost see you

importantly find the key
the main thing is to find him finally
very important very necessary very
it is important as usual to find
this key you need to find it

but there were days and the wind was coming
and the keys were whether I had
I always went and went but from this
I just froze and stopped now
I can not walk anymore

I'm looking for an answer that used to be
I still have answers that used to be
who used to be with me I'm looking for answers
answers to noisy noisy wind
to the noisy noisy wind outside the window key

25.09.18

I don’t want to live in a world where I cannot be free.
As full as nectar engulfed in a bee.
Oppression, Isolation and Desperation.
A society scared of the the cracks in its own walls.
Too scared to love.
They just want a touch.

A civilisation filled with fantasies
Your skirts to short, you asked for it
Your arms to skinny, you must not eat
You didn’t say no, so it must’ve been okay.
When can anybody be free?

Oh please don’t tell me I’m wrong
The truth is we’re scared to admit we made a mistake.
But wasn’t that your intention?
To turn my smile upside down
So it could no longer be seen
Until it became your isolated version of perfection.

Oh, maybe, you can devastate me.
Didn’t I tell you I like I like the pain?

It no longer feels okay.

I can still remember how you smiled at me,
I know I'm not the reason of your smile
But I don't care. Because it gave me purpose.
I also remember your laugh, your hair,
Every inch of you is engraved in my mind.
You are really beautiful and I envy him so much.

The world stopped as you walk by.
You clogged all my senses,
All I can see is you.
In this cold September night
I remember you like a star,
Shining light in my life filled with darkness.

The world stopped with your smile.
Every side of you makes me crazy,
All I can hope for is you.
In this cold September night
I remember you like the Big Bang,
From nothing to my everything.

The world stopped with your eyes.
As they twinkle like the Pleiades,
All I can do is admire from a distance.
In this cold September night
I remember us like the sun and the moon,
Scarcely taking a glimpse of each other.

The world stopped with your words.
It killed me a thousand times,
All I can do is accept everything.
In this cold September night
I remember everything like it was yesterday.
Always, you will always be my light.