I've been doing the next thing.
The I'd rather not feel myself thing.
The I work,
I work,
I...
work,
to not notice the phone doesn't ring.
To not notice I'm pining...
Not really for the love of anything,
But from loving everything.

There are days where I do not know
Anything but, "I love you, Lord."
And when it seems I can't bear it most,
I turn to you Oh, Lord.
I am not perfect.
I am a mess.
But I am complete.
In Christ the one who rescued me.

How does one explain?
A life lived full of pain,
A sky that's never not seen rain,
But no one will complain.

I guess they were hip to the game,
I guess they see something other than shame.
I guess we'll just have to remain,
All the same.

When gray hues light up your world,
When you're reduced to a ball on the floor curled,
When you think if only your life could be pearled,
Remember love is the way to a heart unfurled.

It seems for the first bit
I was always Gatsby,
Lightly tugging on threads
but never having anything unravel.
I'd march madly through the world
Missing the point, by love I was blind.
Daisy, oh Daisy,
To have her love again
'Twould be divine.

And then I lost my Daisy.
"She" flirted with the idea of a return.
But it never stuck, call it bad luck
Regardless, a lesson was learned.

In Part Three, the now,
Gatsby became Nick.
I saw my own self.
My self drawn hell
And I knew Gatsby
couldn't stick.

And I thought quietly to only myself...

To never return to Gatsby, old sport,
would be quite swell.

I went on a date,
that felt like a thousand happy moments in one.
I went on a date,
and a week later I've still only gone on the one.
I went on a date,
and I've learned he doesn't have to be the one.
He isn't the answer to my problems.
Or anything more than a friend, either.

I went on a date,
and I learned some things about myself,
I probably couldn't have learned any other way.

I went on a date,
and a week later
God is chasing all my fears away.

I went on a date,
something I wasn't sure I would ever again get to say.

I think I've got this soul mate thing figured out.
I don't mean to sound boastful,
I just love the mystery in how
And why
Life happens as it does.
You see this epiphany gave me the realization
Anyone of us could fall in love.
The only thing keeping us apart is the will to be together,
If we had that with everyone we would remain in love forever.

Today I laughed at someone else's pain
Tomorrow I seek selfish gain
It broke my heart to no end
How I wished suffering on an old friend
No one's fault here for what you have become
Though thought should be with you for what could be undone
Try not to remain in the mistakes you've made
How much do I blame myself for the part I had played.

"You had better look after yourself."
I am not the one in need of help!
To turn an eye to the struggle turns me into something I am not.

An advocate,
A teacher,
A model, firefighter, ******, student, musician...
What am I missin?
What have I got?

Without material things... who are you really?
Do you know why anything sings?
Or that if we don't change we will suffer severely.
Do not fear the unknown.
Walk towards the dark until you know, shedding your energy like light, with you wherever you go.

Oh this continuous trial,
Will have to fade.
I have put my faith in You.
I will live another day.
I can see the dawn is rising,
the darkness fades.
Your light is everlasting,
and shines upon my face.

I might freeze,
thoughtless
with not a clue.
How to explain the
vowels and consonants
to you. How to make my
thoughts into movies and
music like my brain can
do. If I pause, let it be,
I am trying to find
my way. It's hard
to turn the mo-
notony of every
day, into art
These words
are painted
from the
heart.

For now,
I want to write these happy words.
And I don't want to think about
How anything might hurt.

I feel a mind state reminiscent of Dr. Suess,
No feelings of worry about you
Weighing round my neck like a noose.

The difference between them and you,
I feel a glow of perfection. Maybe it is
Your love of my perspective
Influencing my mood.

Whatever it is, I want to see it through.
Though it's not really a choice
I'm glad it's something
I'm looking forward to.

I have a hard time fitting myself into a box.
I have a hard time giving myself (and God) space.
Like there's something I can do,
Say yes to this thing and that,
To earn God's loving embrace.

I am but a human,
But these lessons are taking so long to stick.
One day I am happy,
the next day I am sick.
There is a balance somewhere,
I am told, so they say.

But when will I ever find it?
When will I ever convince myself its here to stay.
If I'm trying hard to get this,
isn't it the same as trying hard to get that?

What if the lesson is not to try at all,  
But to trust God and relax?

Are you going to begin again?
When the lights go down,
The audience leaves,
and you have no friends.
Will you?
Just pretend,
for one moment,
that each day  was a gift and you opened it.
What would you find within?

A collection of, "I ****** up's", or "I'm nothing's", maybe even, "poor me's"?
If you took the time to pay attention you might notice:
If that's all you see,
That's all you'll ever be.

Out of love, inside friendship, I want you to know-
If I had never lost you, I would have never learned to grow!

It gets harder to believe
What I once was sure of.
Like me..
and then you.
Oh, the foolish things
I thought I knew.

If we could have a conversation,
without chatting on what's new...
I'd bring you inspiration.
But now that's just too difficult to do.

You are a complete stranger.
I loved someone other than you.
I still dream.
And dream...
And dream about you.

And I wake up feeling unrested,
and thoroughly blue.
Why are my sleeping thoughts
choosing to think about you?

You, a ship I can no longer see
As I stand upon this shore.
I couldn't even book a ticket
If a fortune I had, and I could afford.

What lessons are to come from all of this?
What persons could endure?
Christ only becomes my strength,
my thankfulness.

Pray I remain landlocked upon this shore.

How have I taken this long to get to ten?
I promise the number has no relation to my thoughts,
because I think of you often.
Tonight I'm especially heavy.
Wishing I could magically make your journey here quicker.
That you would come running, or bumping, or calling
in relation to me.
And I would receive, fall, or answer
all these things.
And just like that, the good times would be twice as good.
And these bad ones, half as bad...
In the mean time, I'm leaning on the one who is perfect.
Who is teaching me there is no "mean" time.
There is no in between.
Today is the day,
and every day after.
And if I never get the running, or the bumping, or the calling...
I hope I do not notice.
I hope I am so enamored by the presence of God
living on the inside of me.
That I don't miss anything He hasn't given me.
I want you, but you'll have to wait.
Because he will bring you better than anyway I could have hoped
and labeled it as faith.

You have pretty big shoes to fill.
That expectation should be revealed.
I know you most likely will know this,
and maybe this is more for me than you.
But I have had a taste of the greatest romance.
I have literally walked with Heaven.

And to be transparent,
you are to love me like He does.
I know you won't be perfect.
But there's a fire inside me,
burning up everything that isn't like that love.
And so I won't take anything less.
I won't settle.
I can't.

And the good news is,
whoever these letters are for.
...I won't have to.
Thank you.

Oh, dear one-
I write to you from this place,
this place that I don't love...
There are so many things I'm waiting for,
you being but one.
And I often trace the wait back to my character,
my heart, my impatience.
And I have learned this isn't correct.
This is just a guessing game.
An attempt to have all the answers-
Which you, more than anyone, will know some day.
I don't want all the answers.
I want to seek the one with the answers.
And lately I've been distracted.
I've been filled with doing things, watching things, wishing for things.
But it's better than before.
I do these things with God.
Not hide them from Him.
And I'm growing.
It's painful, but free.
And someday, you will get to see...
the beauty of grace
the power of transformation.
The kindness of God.
I cannot wait to be loved by you.
But first, I am still learning to be loved by Him.
And in the end, we'll merge those two loves into One...
as we are one.
What a gloriously sweet day that will be.
See you then.

Life has changed so much.
I haven't written as often as I would like,
and I can't tell whether that is good or bad.
I just know that it is.
And I'm learning I'm not ready for you.
An epic to behold in front of me,
and I would rather stay in the Shire.
I am not yet the hero you may need.

Even those words probably show how unready I am.
For if I have learned anything, it isn't that you need a hero.
It isn't that I "need to be" something before we meet.
I need to be all about Someone before you come along.
Yes, I need to be Consumed.

I cannot fake that.
I cannot concoct that.
Conjure it.
It is up to me, but I cannot get there without
authenticity.

I can't wait to share that brilliance with you.  
The light.
The magic
of all that God is to us.
We're gonna have a dreamy time together.  
I just know it.

So,
I have to go get ready now.
See you some time.
Hopefully soon.

Love,
me.

You are real.
So real.
Flesh and bone.
Made with me in mind.
Made with destiny in mind.
Made with the Kingdom in mind.

You are going to be mine.
What an honor.
What a privilege.
What a reason to praise
Jesus.

You are everything I have prayed for.
You are more than everything I prayed for.
You are surprising to my hope.
You are the best friend I could ever ask for.
You...look...like...Jesus.
You make me look like more like Jesus.
And you're here.
You're coming.
To me...here.

And I won't have to run.
I won't be afraid.
For long.
I won't mess it up
And you won't be like them.

This will be a new love.
This will be God's plan.
This will be love.

Sometimes I miss you,
though I don't know you yet.
I wonder if you are lying in bed on a Friday evening,
feeling the same way.
Life isn't bad,
I'm not unhappy...
Just restless and feeling as though,
there is something more out there.

But this feeling and I,
we've met before.
And I know all its ***** tricks.
I know they way it disguises its self.
It tells me there's no harm in settling in
for awhile.
For breathing deeply and indulging,
in pity.

I know God loves me too much,
to leave me anywhere unfitting for His kid.
So I hope you are having the same realizations,
if you indeed are lying in your bed on a Friday evening.
Because some day,
neither of us will be doing that alone.

There's a beautiful coffee shop,
I can't wait to show you.
I presently sit outside.
Here I come to spend too much money,
but there is no other place like this.

Monumental moments have transpired,
over the exotic coffee,
on top the perfectly finished wooden benches.

And I hope you love it.
I hope you'll like the sounds,
the people,
the conversation.

I hope you enjoy my tendencies to sing in public,
to get overexcited and to speak in some other person's
high pitched voice.

You are out there.
You are coming.
No matter how long it takes
I will believe in that.

If I write him a poem,
does that mean anything to you?
Do you see? There are pieces of me,
I gave to someone other than you.

I think I've moved on swimmingly
I think I am someone brand new.
But if you're seeing me on my worst day,
I have some work still to do.

I can be my own worst enemy.
I can self implode with great aptitude.
But I can be full of grace, and beauty
and forgiveness.

I hope you will be too.

Can you forgive me though you do not know me yet?
I have walked the Earth, become some person
and made mistakes and yet-

Oh, this Grace.
In Jesus I have found.
A fountain of forgiveness,
to wash my mistakes to the ground
and away, forever...gone.

So, I know that you will be a man of grace.
And look past these years I have been so very silly.
The years of the beginning of my race.

But I am banking on you.
Whoever you may be.
I will not settle.
I will not quit.

**You ARE waiting for Me.

I'm learning so much while I'm on my way to you.
I hope, I pray, I know
You are learning too.
While the seasons are changing,
we'll both be stepping into something new.
A new season, a new heart, and a new me.
You wouldn't believe the changes taking place,
and I hope when we get there,
you love what you see...

I can wait.
For as long as it takes.
I can wait.
Because I was given strength.
I can wait.
Because perfect love casts out all fear.
I can wait for you, my dear.

When a song touches the place,
that makes me warm.
I play it again and again.
But this much I've learned-
Don't play it too much.
Less it lose its grandeur.
Like when others complain,
that the cold that once kissed their face
now brings pain.
I will not see it this way.
No let me be washed by the beauty
of life.
And let it not be my everything.

Dear you,
I might not know you yet either,
but this letter will be different.

You will be different

I say that because it is true.
Not because he was wrong, or bad,
but he wasn't you.

You are holy and set apart.
As am I.
You were made for me,
and I for you.
And we will get it right at last,
Oh sweet promise of the Lord.
You have been worth waiting for.

I may not have waited as long as you.
I may have been sloppier with my life.
I may disagree with you and be stubborn
and try to take the lead.
But you will know me
And choose me anyways.

And that is why I will love you,
with a true love that reflects
the love of God.

And for all of that,
and for all that I remain unaware of,
I am waiting.

But I had to write you to say,
I'm not looking.
I am not striving.
I'm no longer searching,
and trying to force things to happen.

I am resting.
And serving,
And seeking...
the face of God

Because you are only to love me as He already loves me.
So, I'm going to the source.
And I'll see you some day soon.
I know you're waiting too.
I know you'll know what to do.

There's nothing I can't face,
Nobody but me decides my fate.

I know it seems my head has been out of place,
But winners always seem to look that way
Right before victory
The whole world seems to trouble me.
Lingering insecurities,
Banish themselves when I just let myself be.  

I know nothing is perfect,
but that means it kind of is.
When you don't give up searching,
You learn what timing is.
You learn to fly within.
You finish fifth but still find ways to win.
Darling, that's the world I'm living in.
It's always worth it, beginning, middle, and end.

Be still my rebellious, rambunctious heart.
For you often beat too fast for your own good,
when you haven't the first clue at how to start.

Be still and know, my soul, the voice of God.
For it is still and soft...just a whisper
Because he is close, and I am awed.

Be still my judgement, you shouldn't have to move at all.
You should know your place is for thy self.
You needn't be in use for others, this is not your call.

Be still my understanding, for you are lesser than the understanding of God.
You have a narrowed perspective.
But I am only human, a sinner, and this understanding I have is flawed.

I hate all of my previous writing,
that glorifies the sin
I once held within.

I hate how badly I was fighting,
the love and I never let it win.

If I had opened my eyes sooner,
I would not be she that now is.

Yet, had I learned these lessons
in an easier way
maybe it would have been too boring,
and I would have ended up somewhere else
than where I am now.

I made an idol out of love.
Romanticized
Theorized
But never came out above.
The tumultuous sea
of emotions in me
that waged war
on your shores
Beat continuously against you,
the beach.

I thought that's what love was.
Passion.
Fire.
Dancing.
Idols.

I burnt out bright
smoldering ash in the night.
And when I cooled,
realized I was fooled.
Because the only true love there is,
is Light.

This is about letting go
Because of all my knowledge
Its still something I lack to know
I lay entangled with you at night
To others though, you aren't in sight
When I no longer hear the tenor of your voice
And playing a recording is my only choice
And I can't recall your kiss
The closest is my lips to my own wrist
The instances when I go through my own hell
As I walk in public by some man with the same smell
Or pass a truck of the same color
Sends my heart running for cover
Or the time your name accidentally slips from my mouth
Warrants a moment of silence, how we grieve in the South
The worst of it could be that there's no grave
No place to spill the tears I save
Much to my astonishment they don't bury the living
Even after their soul stops giving.

Like a river
Doubts and fear wash over me.
But you are a ship
With a life preserver
Pulling me from the depths of the sea.

I am set free.

Atoms.
Energy.
Thought manifestation.

I must go faster,
I am eager to build Utopia upon this foundation.

You might not understand,
don't bother debating.
The changes I will make
to the world; an awakening.

Imagine you have all the information,
and talent to accomplish what you desire.
You're constantly raising the bar;
Reaching and climbing higher and higher.

But before I lose myself to the high,
Tell me what I am right now matters.
Tell me just one person couldn't do it without me.
Tell me, not for the need of feeling flattered.

I have set something in motion,
I couldn't take back if I tried.
You can never return to a small mind,
once you're on the other side.

I beg you to speak
Anytime you feel the need.
Tell me what I just did was good,
tell me something of my deeds.

I am not some icon
or Jennifer The Great.
I have flaws.
I have been broken.
More than once a day, I too make mistakes.

Is like biting off a piece of sadness.
I cannot comprise,
but I can surely feel their madness.
I love them all to pieces,
and I just want them to be safe.
I want them to know, for sure,
what's waiting for them in their fate.
I want to shout about the gospel,
tell everyone who breathes.
Jesus is their Savior,
the only one they need.

It creeps
inside company we keep,
latching on
I beseech
You to reach
forward and teach
me to escape thy leech.
the darkened soul
always on patrol
Looking to take hold
of *souls made of gold.
My dear soul so old.
Filled one thousand forms before me,
and in the morning it may come
A darkened soul  adores me,
Now I spend eternity on the run.
You were never for me
But to me you held a gun,
"Forget any other for me."
"No no, you are not the one."
Even the brightest soul made just for me,
**can not compare to the love of the Sun.