I know it's hard for you.
I know you try but you can't possibly understand what it's like to have the weight of someone else hold you down and pull consent from your lips like the lyrics of their favorite song.

I sat in the shower until my skin itched and burned a smoldering red and the water ran cold because all I wanted was to feel CLEAN again.
I packed up everything I loved and drove hundreds of miles to feel SAFE again.
I will not lie to you...... both of those things have yet to happen.

And I know it's hard for you.
Because you are strong and people believe what you say.
You have never had to defend your innocence and purity.
You never had to defend what you were wearing. Even to bed.

So I understand what you mean when you tell me it gets better.
But YOU don't actually know this.
You don't know what it's like to wake up every night from the same nightmare.
Sweating and crying because for some reason yo think he's still there.
The weight of his body holding you down and drawing consent from your lips like his favorite song.

I know it's hard for you.
But have you ever considered that it's harder for me?

I can hear it louder now,
Its ticking once again.
I can hear my watching screaming
"Time is up for you my friend"
See poetry is not a gift
Nor a way of life
Poetry is gushing blood
When pulling out a knife
That knife was burrowed deep inside
It felt like it was the end
then he said, i take that back
Time is up for you my friend
The gushing blood screamed out to me
You cannot make this right
You can kick and you can scream
But this is not your fight
This is on his shoulders now
The weight does make him sick
Still he does not care on bit
That your watch no longer tics

"You're a liar!" He said
"You fueled the fire that burned our house down but i am not afraid to build from the ashes. Hang scorched pictures of us on my walls and tuck the noose you tied for me under the bed with the other things we pretend never happened" and so he did.

I close my eyes and watch the streetlights pass through the sunroof
Day
Night
Day
Night
Passing quicker than i couldve ever imagined
I hope deep inside that it takes me to an alternate universe
Where he is not driving this car
I hope it takes me somewhere nice
When i open my eyes
I am a princess riding in my carriage to the park
I am still 4 years old
And the park is my courtyard
But i close my eyes
As the sunlight peaks through the branches
Day
Night
Day
Night
I find it wondrous that time can move so quickly but nothing has yet to change

He does not think he is beautiful
He does not speak when my hands travel the mapwork of his body under mine.
I mark my favorite places with my lips, several times to be sure theyre real.
Lips
Eyes
Nose
Bellybutton
Arms
Hands
Lips
Eyes
Nose
Bellybutton­
Arms
Hands
Lips
Eyes
Nose
Bellybutton
Arms
Hands
Again and again I want to show him he is loved
But he does not believe me
He does not believe me because
They are telling him no
Dont look in the mirror yet
But this morning you look beautiful
But you look so sad
So i try to kiss my favorite parts of you
But youre not here
Lips
Eyes
Nose
Bellybutton
Arms
Hands
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing but air.

The tears of this world were left on the pavement
she sent out her friends to cry “it was you
who locked her in this airless enslavement
you cannot just take her because you want to”
and the children of orange and yellow
tremble at the sound of her screams and her sighs
the saddened sound of the old man’s cello
is nothing compared to her sorrowful eyes
and yet she welcomes me with arms wide open
she forgets the heartache that she must bare
forgetting that, Yes! Her heart has been broken
letting the sun graze the tear stricken air
She whispered through the winds “please don’t cry for me,
Tears will leave me empty, drowning in my sea”

He sends me a card every year for my birthday
and he signs it
"Love always".

Not long after I get a call,
"you've grown so much,
you're absolutely beautiful,
I love you.
How old are you now?"

I ignore the phone everytime he calls
But my mom always finds a way
To pass the phone to me.
"Who is it?" "Just talk"
I don't want to talk.

She makes me thank him for the gifts
And the money and the cards.
She makes me thank him.
"He's always thinking of you".
I too am always thinking of him.
Even though i don't want to,
Even though i would rather forget him,
But i take the phone and say thank you.
"Its polite" my mom states matter of factly.
As if everything is okay,
As if she doesnt notice I hold my breath until the very moment i give the phone back.
As if I dont know why he's on vacation.
Why hes been on "vacation" for the last 6 years.
It should have been sooner
I couldve stopped that.
I didnt know.
She doesnt know.

MAYBE I'M JUST TOO IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE LOVED.

I've never felt more like a traitor
than with your back facing mine like this.
my father told me that he would always love me
but he does not tolerate a liar
and this feels like the biggest lie I've ever told.
but I can't seem to get myself to pick up the phone
or come clean about everything I've ever done
and so I do what traitors do best,
and I lie, and let you love me for who you think I am

You were never white noise waiting to be interrupted,
you were the big bang,
you were everything that was right in the world
and I've been trying real hard to forget that.
I've been trying hard to forget about the way you laugh
and how your eyes shine in the sunlight
or how you dance
and your hair falls across your face
screaming I don't care
because that night we didn't,
Its as if life right then had begun,
not with silence but with a big bang
and I just want to forget that.

If you ask me...
The stars have been disappearing one by one since you stopped answering my texts
And my car veers a little towards your street whenever I pass
even though I know youre not there.
My hands aren't on the wheel anymore
and I can hear the brakes screeching but then it's silent
and for a moment.


You love me again

They told me not to love her
But ******* she was beautiful.
The kind of beautiful that reminds you of home.
When you were young and the streetlights were your curfew.
I've been watching them turn on
But I don't know where to go
Because home was her smile, her arms, her.
So I've been sleeping on the street where we used to meet
Hoping she'll turn up
And let me get lost in her puppy dog eyes.
I hear she's with you now
And i know she is so ******* beautiful
But I'm telling you,
Do not love her
Because the streetlights will come on
And you won't know where to go.

I am so **** sick
Of pretending I dont care
About who you are

And i am so sick
Of forever being a
Temporary thought

That leaves your mouth with
The bittersweet tatse of the
Memories we shared

I can hear my watch ticking
I never noticed that before

My accomplishment goes unnoticed,
she apologizes and asks once more,
I start again
she walks away.
I look towards the empty space
and I am five again.
Small and helpless
and alone

When you left, I didn't feel it,
I didn't feel a thing but sweet, sweet relief
and the breath I had been holding since you said "I love you"
left my body all at once.
All at once.
That's how it hit me.
The pain didn't creep up on me.
It hit me.
All.
at.
once.
full force at my throat
into my lungs, chasing the oxygen I had left
through my blood stream and out of my throat.
all.
at.
once.
It smelt like our first kiss.
Sloppy.
Awkward.
and *****.
not because we we're being ***** ourselves,
but we were, quite literally, *****, on the ground, next to the lake.
I wonder if anyone ate that pizza we left because we were so full of each other, we didn't have room to eat it.
Last week,
I couldn't breathe. I was walking home from work,
and it smelt like you.
It smelt like late nights in your car,
it smelt like Sunday mornings in your bed
when neither of us wanted to get up but your parents were going to be home soon.
it smelt like my high school parking lot, where you asked me to be your girlfriend, and I barely responded because I could not stop smiling.
it smelt like hello and sunshine and summer.
it smelt like goodbye and cold and winter.
and it smelt like you and it hit me,
all.
at.
once.








and it's over.

I used to write about being untouched
and how I was like the world
with pure intentions.
You took that from me,
I can't really put the blame on you,
I might as well of put a bow on it
and a tag addressed to you.
I'm not sure I made the right choice.

I used to write about going unnoticed
and like the clouds slowly moving,
I held beauty, I was there, secretly.
I gave that to him.
I had my doors locked and the key hidden,
but he was actually really good at picking locks,
he told me that my house wasn't fit for me, dangerous,
a year later it burned down.

my point is,
I used to write about a lot of things.
but I'm newer now,
You and him took the only things I had going for me,
He, with my best intentions,
and you, with yours.

Ahhh McChicken, oh so sweet,
probably filled with beaks and feet
I want you in my tummy now
cause you're a chicken and not a cow
I love that you are just a buck
and that you used to cluck cluck cluck
I mean I think you did before you died
I'm not sure what you are 'cept fried
but ahhh McChicken you're my baby
I love that you're chicken (maybe)

With him, everything is just extremes
Because he makes me extremely happy and he makes me extremely sad
There's no in between
He has the power to make me feel
Like the sun is shuning for me
And the sunrise is something he drew
But this means he can crush everything I am
Until I'm shards of glass
Scattered on the floor
He's the type of boy
That can make June feel like the middle of November
But he makes my heart feel like I'm falling off the tallest tower
I'm falling into all that he is
I suppose they end the same

I cannot say that you don't love me
But I swear you stay a few seconds less every time
And  I find you leaning away
more often than leaning in
And your hand fumbles for my zipper
More than it does for my hand
And I know you say you love me
But I also know you thought you loved her
You tend to say things you don't mean often

We're just teenagers
Who think we know all about love,
We think we know about life
And we think we know who we are.
But someone is going to break our hearts
And someone is going to crush our dreams
Until we forget who we thought
We were in the first place

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
All of these love songs
Remind me of you.
I'm getting real sick,
They all sound the same
About how they miss you
And they're screaming your name.
To be completely honest,
That's not how it goes,
You didn't leave your toothbrush,
Favorite books or your clothes.
You left just your memory
And I'll start to forget
'Till I have nothing
But despair and regret.

Your eyes remind me of oceans
Not just because they're blue
But they're mysterious and unpredictable
And I know they're going to pull me under
'Till I'm drowning completely

Those words have been abused
Mistreated
                                            Overused
I'm so sick of wondering
If I
      Am
             Just
                    Like
                            Them

These words don't have any significance,
I see your eyes light up
as I say this once more.
But the taste is too familiar.
These words are razor blades
cutting into my throat.

I wrote a poem about you.

I hate to see you smile when I say this
because honestly,
I am the Taylor Swift of poets.
I have written poems about you
and five "yous" before yourself.

I know it is hard to believe
but I mean every word scribbled on this
ink filled,
tear stained,
coffee marked
napkin,
that I wrote on our first date.

and I mean every word neatly printed on that
water damaged,
slightly wrinkled,
late in arrival,
card,
The I wrote on her 16th birthday.

I mean every word I have
scribbled,
printed,
typed,
into neat little lines
for you
and her
and him
and her
and you
and him
and her
and you were not the first.

I miss you.
I know that is not
what you wanted
but, I miss you.
They told me life
wasn't a wish granting factory.
If that is true,
how did you cease to be?
Leaving no memory or trace
of the broken heart that
could have healed mine.

I think of you.
I know that's not
what you wanted
but, I think of you.
I see you in the mirrors
in my eyes, although you are free
you scream and scream and scream
begging to God to erase your existence.

I wonder if you are me.
I know that's not what you wanted
but, I see myself in you.
I hear the words you once screamed
yet never screamed at all,
my grandmother said that
God doesn't always give us
what we want but always what we need.
So, I wonder why he took you,
and every memory you had imprinted upon this earth.
16 years earlier,
your mother holds what was once a positive,
but this time around it is not.
I know this is what you wanted.
so why do you weep twinning tears,
to match those of your mother?

I looked God in the eyes and I saw the fury
I saw the fire burning and I knew what was coming
I heard his voice boom but no words were coming out

God looked me in the eyes and he saw the indifference
He saw the light in my eyes diminish
along with the faith I had instilled in him

I looked God in the eyes and I saw the disappointment
I saw the ghost of tears he would have shed
if this was the first time I had failed him

God looked me in the eyes and he saw the fear
He saw me tremble with every breath he took
he heard my heart fail and start again

I looked God in the eyes and I spoke
I saw his expression change before I heard my words
"*******, you cannot fire me, I quit"

I took the sharp knife of his actions - or lack there of
and I slit my throat with trembling hands

I looked God in the eyes and I watched him laugh
He spoke words that shook my bones
I felt my heart begin to beat again

"My dear child, you cannot quit, only I decide who begins and finishes,
and right now is not your time"

I remember how much it hurt

I remember letting myself fall in love with him
even though I could almost taste her lip gloss
when his lips brushed my own

I remember how warm his hands were
in my own
on my face
on my stomach
on my arm
when he kissed me
he lit fires that burned down houses
that resided in my veins

bittersweet memories are better than none.

If a heart breaks
and no one is around to hear it,
does it make a sound?

If you take that plane,
but I am not around to see it,
did you really leave?

When I met you
I couldn't remember
your name

When I met you
I tried to avoid you
And the other boys stares

When I met you
I had one thing on my mind
And you were not it

but you had snaked your way into my mind
and you had broken barriers I built long ago
and I still don't understand how someone like you
could destroy in weeks
what I took years to build

I don't mind
When you text me at 3 a.m
When you've had too much to drink
Because it means
That even though your mind was jumbled
And you could barely walk on your own
I was still on your mind

I want to hear you say my name
Early in the morning
Between every bite of breakfast
You want to hear me say your name
Late at night
Between every gasp of air

I think that looks can really ****
Because in a matter of seconds when you walked by
My heart
Beat faster
And Faster
And Faster
And Faster
Until
It
Just
**Stopped.

Do you remember the time we went on that cruise?
We were on our way back from the seafood buffet
Laughing and tripping over our own feet
when You threw our room card off the ship.
It was after you broke it beyond repair
We found the highest place we could
And drank too much champagne
With slurred I love yous
And messy kisses
We found each other

I never liked being alone
I found comfort in the sounds of you
The deck of cards you kept in your pocket
And the coffee you left on the kitchen table
I never minded cleaning up your messes
I never minded the fact you loved Jazz
And fell asleep to the sound of an alto saxophone
But i never needed you
Like i need air
I wanted you
I am not a fragile butterfly
And you will not tear my wings

When my name is on your screen
Do you not know what to do
Life has been so mean
But it led me right to you

And when they played that song
And we screamed it to the sky
It doesn't seem like its been long
Since we've ever felt so high

I'm not sure what you've done
Or who you've kissed before
But your smile is my sun
And you make my heart soar

what do you think when my names on your screen?
Do you get how I feel, do you know what I mean?

Nothing
     Has
           Ever
  Sounded
         So
           Sweet
       Like
Your
       Voice
            Miles
       Away
   In
       Distance
    But
Inches
     Apart
    In
Mind
                   **(J.E.V)