Growing up I only wanted to be three things:
Important, Powerful, Loved.
I was torn down, suffocated, outcasted...
Not by my peers, my family, or anyone
But myself.

I am the reason why I will never amount to anything.
I am the only barrier I have ever faced.

Grinding, grinding, grinding.
Until my gums bleed and swell from the irritation of my colliding teeth.
I make up my mind to quit, and my mind whispers lovingly down, "Stop please."
By this time it is an impossibility.

I am so sorry to hear from you. I pull the trigger. She smiled softly and slipped from her seat. Her voice held in the darkness of the night. That is how Marisha gave service to Mara, she shared love with strangers and compassion for the hungry. None but the ones she helped knew that I have a feeling he already knows!

They can smell it on my being, because it is in my bra.
They can taste it on my tongue, because it is on my breath.
My heart is racing, my fingers trembling.
They can see the glaze and the haze in my gaze... **** they can see my eyes!
Just a little further, don't start walking fast. They will see through my scurry and then they'll know my task.

Around a corner I zip, slipping into my house.
One fluid motion leads to a needed inhalation.
And one, "Freedom," comes coughing out.

That he loved me when he first heard my name
He told me that he loved me and my life was never the same.
He told me that he loved me as he spread apart my thighs.
He told me that he loved me when he took me that night.
He told me that he loved me when I was late.
He told me that he loved me when we learned the date.
He told me that he loved me when the baby died.
But I know he didn't really love me...
Because he took his life.

When she asked me if I was afraid. I lied and told her no.
She pressed for a reason, I responded with a, "Why should I be?"

"You don't know what it's like to die..." She whispered.
But really, I did.

She closed the eyes that he swore were beautiful, and let a shaky puff of air leave her lungs. If it was her last she wouldn't have cared because forcing every one after felt like dying. The pain washed from her chest down her arms to the very tips of her fingers and lingered only for a second. It came when the breathing halted, when her body jolted in silent sobs.
She was very good at pretending, and had mastered the falsification of every emotion that she allowed to reach the surface of her face. Some days, though, she just couldn't hide the churning waves in her stomach and blamed any discomfort others could see on exhaustion.
No one knew the hollowness that ironically filled her heart. She couldn't stand the thought of being just another over dramatic girl seeking attention. She refused to cry. Crying, she had learned, got you no where. No one cared when you cried, they just blurted a calloused, "What's wrong," and usually just left it alone. Sadness and reasons for it were just pushed aside and buried because they didn't matter in the real world. No one cared that you hurt, that you needed help. You weren't even allowed to ask for support; as soon as you did you were called weak, a cry baby. She didn't want to be a cry baby...

I'm done.
There is no silver lining, everything is dirt.
It isn't even fertile, useless earth.
I try and try again to make something grow,
I've realized maybe it's me...
I don't know.

You aren't prince charming,
You aren't a character from Tim Burton's mind.
You aren't super in the ways of brain, or brawn.
But you are my hero...
You are mine.

A woman needs to be told she is beautiful.
Those who already know have been told millions of times,
Or have spent a lot of time muttering in front of a mirror.

His lips touched my neck,
His hands grazed my thighs,
His body held me down.
I got lost in his eyes.

My heart beat till bursting.
My lungs caught breath and burned.
My nerves ignited fire.
On my body turned.

Each movement drew me deeper
Until I began to drown
My need it towered higher,
His body held me down.

I am *Beautiful.

I
Write
My
Words
For
Everyone...
Write
One
just one
For
Me...

I refuse to be thin.
It isn't where I belong.
I would be different, unhappy,
Focused on the image of me.
Now, with my wide thighs
Jiggling belly...
Others see me, and I don't care.

Just for a moment, so that I may feel your warmth.
Fight away the cold.

If you were to ask a scientist
How old is the dirt?
What color is the rain?
What are dreams made of?
They would reply in the most scientific way possible.
3.9 billion years old.
It has no color, it is water.
N, N-Dimethyltryptamine causes dreams.
If you were to ask a poet;
As old the Earth...
The favorite color of the unseeing
What your mind is too afraid to say consciously...

I'm a killer, cold and wrathful
Silent sleeper, I've been inside your bedroom
I've murdered half the town
left you love notes on their headstones
I'll fill the graveyards until I have you.
Moonlight walking, I smell your softness
carnivorous and lusting to track you down among the pines.
I want you stuffed into my mouth
hold you down and tear you open, live inside you -
love, I'd never hurt you.
But I'll grind against your bones until our marrows mix
I will eat you slowly...
Oh, the horror of our love
never so much blood pulled through my veins.
Oh, the horror of out love... never so much blood
I wake in terror, blackbirds screaming
dark cathedrals spilling midnight on the altars
I'm your servant, my immortal
pale and perfect, such unholy heaving -
the statues close their eyes, the room is changing
break my skin and drain me.
Ancient language, speak through fingers
the awful edges where you end and I begin
inside your mouth I cannot see -
there's catastrophe in everything I'm touching
as I sweat I crush you.
And I hold your beating chambers until they beat no more
you die like angels sing...
Oh, the horror of our love
never so much blood pulled through my veins.
Oh, the horror of out love... never so much blood
You're a ghost love, nightgown flowing
your body blue and walking along the continental shelf
you are a dream among the sharks
beautiful and terrifying, lit and restless
we dance in dark suspension.
And you bury me in the ocean floor beneath you
where they'll never hear us scream
Oh, the horror of our love
never so much blood pulled through my veins.
Oh, the horror of out love... never so much blood

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated, so motivated
I am certain now that
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

I am almost certain that my friends don't know everything I do for them, despite my limitations.

Will never know what I long for.
Will never glance lovingly into my eyes.
Will never caress my skin.
Will never hold me at night.
Is a ray of glorious sunshine,
found on a cloudy day.
Will never love me as I love her.
And I suppose that's okay.

Don't let it engulf you,
It's over bearing I know...
But you can rise above it.
Don't let it bury you,
It's heavy I know...
But you can throw it off.
Don't let it be you,
It's manipulative I know...
But you can break through.
Don't let it define you,
Its words loud I know...
Don't let it take over.
Try.

I am a better person than I allow myself to believe.

I have tasted the pastries you have baked for me,
They glinting beautifully with mountains of fluffy gold.
But they didn't hold their sweetness.
They turned to dirt against my tongue.
So, I spit them out.
You aren't a baker, but a thief.

I have a tendency to be too ******* myself.

Babies,
Puppies,
Purple,
Rain,
Flowers,
Pumpkins,
Fresh sheets,
Hot Cocoa,
Snow,
Turtles,
Kisses,
Starry Nights,
Owls,
Music,
...
Kyle.

I don't write for you,
Or anyone else.

Obviously, like most, I write for myself.

I can tell complete strangers,
Secrets they had never wished to know.

I make myself feel less alone.

When I write,
You see more of me.

Or really, the me I want you to see.

My friends,
They will never know my words

It just wouldn't be right to let them inside.

In fact who let you in anyway?
Shoo.

I'm expressing, not having a get together in my head.

I don't mean to burden you.
It happens naturally.
Everything I seem to do is wrong.
There is nothing right with me
I try so hard to be helpful.
But what I touch explodes.
Why he loves me so,
I will never know.
Please just forgive me,
For everything I've done.
At times people feel at fault
But I'm the guilty one.
I try to hide my sadness
I ignore the pain.
But when mistakes are pointed out.
Self loathing starts again.
Please just forget me, love.
And my burdens great.
I will only tear you down,
Leave before it's too late.

No one can name themselves a poet.
Poetry speaks,
Someone must listen.
Otherwise... They are just words.

Once I went out to find others like myself,
I found only shells.
They spoke and moved through the actions of life.
But their ways of living were so meaningless I went on.

Once I went out to find others like myself,
I found only ghosts.
Those who pretended to be alive,
But existed lifelessly.

Once I went out to find others like myself,
I lost all hope.
The empty stupidity that inhabited the world.
That wasn't me.

Once I went out to find others like myself,
I have found few quiet voices.
They have helped me to build up walls.
They are solid, whole.
Like myself.

Once I went out to find others like myself,
I found only shells.
They spoke and moved through the actions of life.
But their ways of living were so meaningless I moved on.

Once I went out to find others like myself,
I found only ghosts.
Those who pretended to be alive,
But existed lifelessly.

Once I went out to find others like myself,
I lost all hope.
The empty stupidity that inhabited the world.
That wasn't me.

Once I went out to find others like myself,
I have found few quiet voices.
They have helped me to build up walls.
They are solid, whole.
Like myself.

I wouldn't like to be a naiad
Unless I could swim through dirt
Then when you ceased to breathe,
I'd rest beside your corpse in earth.
I wouldn't like to be a dolly.
My heart filled with needles and pins.
Every time you near me,
They always sink further in.
I wouldn't like to be a shadow.
Unless I was cast in your light.
So that I may be with you,
Even in the darkest night.
I wouldn't mind being a kiss.
I don't quite make the cut.
How can two lips join,
If one set is sewn shut?

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I am still a child!
only eighteen
But, can I not still feel love?
Can I not recognize it in my heart,
My soul,
My everything...

How hard can it be
I mean really honestly
To hit the Shift key

When you're beautiful you have to guard yourself.
Everyone wants to use you,
To them you're just a prize.
When you're ugly you have to guard yourself.
Everyone wants to leave you,
To them you're nothing.

**There is no difference.

Have you ever felt a needle pierce your skin?
The feeling pure, lusting, powerful.
The stinging rake as ink is placed deep beneath the surface.
The numbing burn as a metal sliver finds its new home.
The vein melting hell as you slip slowly into overdose.

Please, don't close your eyes.
Don't slip away for the night.
Hold me just a while longer.
Something is clearly wrong here
Can't you see it in my eyes?
Take a moment to realize.
I only pretend to be strong.
I can't seem to hold on.
Baby don't go to sleep.
All around us darkness creeps.
It quietly calls my name.
Breaks me, rapes me with not to gain.
But I can't say a word...
I feel caged like a bird.
No one puts me through this hell.
No one, but myself.

For a thousand years I await you,
And your deep seeing eyes.
They watch me and seek out,
My terrible little lies.
For ten thousand years I await you,
And your soft gentle voice.
It's kinder and sweeter,
Than the quietest noise.
For a hundred thousand years I await you,
And your candy smooth lips.
They are tender and pleasant,
With every living kiss.
For a million years I await you,
And your ever-beating heart.
It was promised as mine,
Right from the start.
For ten million years I await you,
And I await you now.
Have you forgotten?
Maybe yes, but how?
For a hundred million years I await you,
With tears in my eyes.
I am giving up hope,
And starting to cry.
For a billion years I await you,
It started when we both feel ill.
I was gone first and went to heaven,
And here I await you still.

I want to catch
A buzz...
Not from bee, nor fly.
I just want to be high.

Oh let's all go catch
A Buzz.

Light the flame
Burn the paper
Inhale the peace
Exhale the stress
Dream...

Sometimes I want to find the tallest building in the world, close my eyes and fall from its rooftop.
Sometimes I want to scream until my vocal cords weaken to the point of tearing, then continue to cry out in silence.
Sometimes I want to bury my face in my pillow and sleep for the rest of my life, with only dreams to protect me.
Sometimes I want to suffocate on green smoke and let my mind drift away until the reality of myself fades.
Sometimes I want to slice so deeply into my skin that the red trickle never ceases its flow.
Sometimes I want to never speak again.

Sometimes I feel as if the whole world around me is beautiful, and I bask in its glory.
Sometimes I wish the sky would fall down on me, and crush everyone else too, so undeserving of life.
Sometimes I want to fly away from everyone and never look back.
Sometimes I want to yell at my creator and ask him why I get to be instead of the others. Why would he hurt my mother?
Sometimes I want someone to wrap their arms around me until I stop fighting, until I stop blaming the world for every mistake I have made.
Sometimes, I wish you would just shut up, and listen...
I'd be okay then.

Bury me beneath the seas, where they'll never hear me scream.
Suffocate before its late and I have time to set your fate.
Recognize all the lies and the times you crossed the line.
Can't you see, just leave me, all alone I am nothing.
Little hope I'll hang the rope and tie the noose around your neck.
I'll won't let you choke, though our ties have broke...
I still love you in my grave deep blue.

Once, I was a singer.
My voice never fluttered soft enough for anyone to listen.
I was an artist, too...
But my lines did not lay correctly after I drew them.
I loved recitation.
But I felt the writers words incorrectly.
I was a dreamer.
But my goals never made it past a thought.
I was a musician,
But my notes faltered just as weary hearts do.
I was someone's dearest.
It lasted like a match's life.
I was a mother.
But my body gave up on me.
I am a writer,
Just as all things, that will end too.

Real love is only
Being who you truly are
Completely fearless.

I wish I could be Beautiful like them...
They are Unique and Magnificent in their ways of Oddity.
I am an Aberration.
But in the way they are all Different,
They are the Same.
I am Alone...

Can they see,
As it grows inside?
Do I lie,
Can I cower and hide?
I want it, need it, love it so...
If they only knew, would they really know?

It stopped being, bitterly I cried.
A heart no longer beating.
A flame flickered and then...
Just died.

I admit it, I watch you sleep.
I wonder, in silence, if I hide in your dreams.
I know the sound of your final conscious breath.
I pray in the night you find whole rest,
And return to me in the morning refreshed.

I study you as clouds dance in your head.
The soft brow, which furrows in frustration when your thoughts sour.
Your lips curl sweetly, is it me?

I know I am forgotten as you snooze,
At a second's touch you envelope me.
An embrace so gentle, possessive, warm.
And soon after I drift off too.