wandering and stumbling
along the way
through the dense woods
on a cool sunny day
her soft skin and sweet smile
the fresh breeze through her hair
so simple and calming
the smell of earth in the air
deep green and bright blue
wood and birds and stone
its so easy when i'm with her
to not feel so alone

i look behind me and i see
a path of blood and glass and rose petals
a trail of broken hearts and hurt words

and i don't want to be that anymore

but i see you all
everyone of you
and i am so, so sorry that i hurt you
i really did love you
some of you, i still do

i am so sincerely sorry
to all of you
for what i have done
and if you could ever forgive me
i would kiss every one of your scars
if i could ever fix this
i would mend all of your broken hearts

she's strong, i know she is
too many people let every bad thing drag them down
not her, she uses the negativity, the ****** days
builds off of them and makes herself stronger
but she's still just a person
and she's fragile on the inside
and i am so, so scared of hurting her.

i know he's not mine
has never been mine

but i wanna be his favorite
the kind of girl he'll never forget
i wanna be the kind of girl
that you can't help but regret
i know i'm nothing special
just another ex
but godfuckingdammit
i wanna be the best

always fighting that urge for control
the urge to break a heart and hold it just out of reach
pull people in and then push them back
keep them just far enough, so they cant help but stay
without ever touching me, or breaking my heart
and turning out more and more
empty, angry, painful people
just. like. me.

fine
whatever
im the bad guy
im always the ******* bad guy
let me just sit here quietly for you
and let you tell me all my sins

im a liar and a cheat
im a sneak and a thief
ive never done anything right
and i'll die before anyone loves me

yes, its all my fault
everything is always
my ******* fault
your ****** up psyche
has nothing to do with the **** you pump into your body like candy
no way, nuh uh
thats my fault too, isnt it?

i feel like my tastes
in everything-
people, music, fashion,
****, even my lifestyle choices
are all devolving
into some disgusting puddle

be my friend

you don't have to hide things from me
you can tell me about the boy you like
and i want to tell you about her
because i really like her
or anything, literally anything
i just want to talk to you

i miss us before we got so broken
i miss being able to talk to you about anything
i miss making fun of you for all the dumb boys you date
i miss hearing you laugh at all of my stupid antics
i miss running through the halls and laughing at ourselves
i miss sitting by you at lunch and acting like little kids
i miss us when we were good and as happy as we could be

i miss my best friend

is her
if i ever loved another
it would have to be her

i mean, shes amazing
shes funny and sweet
and so ******* cute

god, i love making her laugh and blush
maybe i'm being silly
but i really, really like her


and can you imagine, me
with good friends and an amazing girlfriend
and a real smile on my face?
can you imagine me
but happy again?

because i can
and it sounds
******* great

just in case you were wondering

i put my feelings aside, yes
and i try my best to be a good friend
(and nothing more)
i talk to other girls and guys
and i really do like some of them

but i don't ever stop loving you
it might be quiet and suppressed
but it's still there, still living in my heart like a fire

i won't do or say lovey things for you anymore
because i know that just makes it harder for you
but i will always have that love, deep down
waiting, hoping, for you to come back to me.

(okay so i understand if you cant source these things naturally but its much better if you do)

so my go-to tea base is a blend of rose hips, allspice, and chicory for general good vibes

and for nice winter-y vibes this solstice you can add cinnamon sticks, clove, and dried orange peels for added comfort and prosperity in the new year

december is pretty cool ig
the girl i like got me a present
and she LOVES the one i got her
lots of celebration and rituals and stuff
i made some bread
okay i made a lot of bread
and ive dried my herbs
so idk man
its december
lets just vibe

did i hurt your feelings?
did i make you cry?
im sorry if you felt alone,
if i made you wanna die.

i cant help it, im just a *****
it's all been said before
im a manipulative little ****
im just a *****.

i dont like being loved
and i'd hate to fall for you too
so i cant help if i hurt your heart,
its kinda just what i do.

im still a kid
rambling on and on
about the ways of the moths
******* im a freak
and i just wanna scream
i like pretty colors and pretty girls
in baggy sweaters and silly earrings
i just wanna be me
and let her love that me
i wanna laugh with her and drink peach tea
i wanna spend every night
laughing at her and blushing like mad
i wanna go places, and hold her hand the whole way
me in all my glamorous dramatics
and her quietly tolerating me
i wanna be her big dumb baby
and call her my darling girl

take a hit and hold it in
**** reality
let the bitter smoke fill that hole in your chest
til' nothing means anything
and you can laugh at yourself again

i remember my wandering days

when my only love were those sick streets and empty sweets
train tracks and broken bottles, running til your body aches
a place where time meant nothing and everything existed
but only i could see it

those days were before you ever knew me
days when i dyed my hair and dried flowers
days when i might have believed in magic
days when it was just me and the night sky
days when i looked down from the edge of the bridge
feeling free and empty and useless and fine with it

is it me or him?
who would you stand beside
when the world ends?

am i still the one you write about
am i still "the one"
or have you found another soul
are we truly done?

is it me or him that you want to hold?
whose heart do you call home?
because the nasty voice in my skull
thinks its not my own.

the colors and motion and *******
the apathy and edge and aloofness

useless brushstrokes
pointless scratches on paper

what is an artist without his ego?

**** emotions and love and ****.
it's all filler.

i still talk to her
because most of the time
she's the only person that seems to want to talk

i fill time with her
fill the dark with her compliments
fill my ego mostly

i hate it
being such an *******
and having to go so low
to make myself not feel like ****

can someone please tell me
why everything has to hurt?
can you tell me why
i can't just be happy?

playing chase under the 2 o'clock sun
catch me 'round the waist and drag me out
i'll kick and scream and try not to laugh
because you know i hate the water

tease me about how i've changed
gone from tanned and toned to pale and soft
let me wear your old sweaters and hide my curves
call me your pretty little thing anyway

let me keep my empty head
at least until i have to go home
let me stay a cali girl
before i have to strip the skin from my bones

lights and metal and love
music and colors and stuff
she'd kiss a boy, just 'cause
never enough, never enough
this girl, she's far out
way cool, so chill
empty and still exploding somehow
and, oh man, if looks could ****
i'd be a dead man walking
total corpse
but those eyes keep calling
**** shes so hot
totally punk rock

not just here but anywhere
anywhere you need me to be
whenever you need me
i'll always come back
always

anything

its what happens when you dont talk to people
you dont know things

i dont know where i stand or if i have any right to stand at all

i like to assume that you think about me

maybe thats ****** up,
that i hope you miss me
that i want you to want me back

i dont know
i dont know
i never do

it wasn't anything, really
just a cashier helping a customer
nothing out of the norm

except for that flicker
just a second, when she met my eyes
hers went dim

and i knew
instantly, from the way her face fell
the confusion and pain and loss in her eyes
this woman i've never seen before
knows my face

and for that split second
she thought she was looking at Her
when she saw me

my eyes, my nose, my lips
they were Hers first

She had a high school sweetheart, a best friend
She was a student and a friend and a daughter
She was my mom

She left me a very long time ago
and maybe i've moved forward from that
but it still hurts
to see the hole She ripped in the world
when She left us all

things in life always seem to change so fast
and i myself am remarkably unstable
so i keep the little things, never let them change
because without those tiny details
i might end up someone else entirely

i know these streets too well these days
every night, like clockwork
i leave my mind at my bedroom window
sometimes i drive
sometimes i just run
but my favorite nights are the empty ones
where i don't do anything
turn off completely
just wander through the dark like a ghost

you wouldn't know, but i cut my hair
dyed it too

it's black now
and short
just like my mother's
when she was in high school
i look just like her

and on the nights that i just float
it's easier to imagine how she must have felt
to leave her kids alone like that
in this ****** world
with nothing but fragmented memories
of sunken eyes and thin wrists
pink scars on pale skin

i know it's dark
i know it hurts

it's gonna be okay, you'll be okay
i'm right here, right in front of you

just take my arms, fall forward
i'll catch you
i will always be here
and i will always catch you

i know it's scary, moving forwards
but right now, it's just one step
just one step away from that ledge

i'm right here
it's going to be okay
i'm here

your name on a screen
at a red light

how easy it should be
to just say
"i miss you, i feel like ****, and i want you back"

i hate it
i hate this

i hate crying on her shoulder
because it should be yours
i hate going to her
when i want to be with you
i hate the constant ache in my chest
when i remember how much i loved you
how much i still love you

i hate the way my dreams are full of you
your voice and the smell of your hair in the morning
i hate not knowing if you're still there
i hate watching you fall apart
i hate it so much

her

her smile on a screen
her hand on a pen
her laugh from the passenger seat

we wouldn't have to run away to be happy
we wouldn't have to be falling apart to fall in love

the music and the colors and the movement

her.

metal on metal
is it worth your life?
running on gravel
cutting time with a knife

no point in chasing
in the end it's all the same
temptation is tasteless
too tired for games

paycheck
striped socks
pens & markers
paint spots
scattered beads
bits of trash
empty frame
shattered glass
broken toys
hot glue gun
pink lighter
half a blunt

just
i love you
for the last time

they say
everything is made
with a purpose.

i believe
that i was not meant to love
(or be loved)
i was not made to live

maybe my existence
is just a sick ******* joke
that the gods(?) are playing

maybe im meant to be a story
one better told than lived

maybe the world needs something to end
before it begins

maybe i need to die
to let others live

not feminine
not delicate or sweet
my hands were not made for gentle things

i have long fingers
and aching bones
my joints are ******
my knuckles are bruised
my skin is scarred

my hands were not made to be beautiful
they were made for communication and creation
they were made for climbing and fighting
they were made to make things beautiful
and for appreciating the things that already are