to some
jealousy is just anger
maybe even rage

but for me, oh no,
jealousy brings me blindly to my knees.
jealousy leaves me bleeding out in the dirt.

jealousy makes my vision blur
and my stomach lurch
and my lungs squeeze
and my chest burn

for me
jealousy hurts
(in a very real, physical way)
leaving me light-headed and ill
all morning long

it is so hard to know what you want,
what you're trying to say.
you're like a little bug with wings
that won't quit bumping into my eyes
and buzzing in my ear.
but a cute bug
one that reminds me of the ocean and summer camp and being in love.
i would put you a a mason jar
with holes in the top,
so you can breathe. (duh)
and i would take you to my favorite fields
and alleys and stores.
show you all the things that make me happy
and try to make you happy too.

but i dont think
you would like being in a jar.
even one with holes in the top.

first, darkness
                            then, little spinning, dizzying lights

       twinkling, little pinpoints of white
                                                           ­       like memories


then the sounds
                               the fuzzy blurry noise
                                                           ­             faded words, echoes

         love,
              memories,
                            stars,
­                                              i am blind.

everything hurts these days
pressing on my heavy, aching chest
the whole world is spiraling
making me dizzy and sick
never a moment of peace
im tired.
god, im always so ******* tired
everything feels heavy
it is exhausting

this is how i feel every day
every ******* day
for as long as i can remember
every ******* day
dragging myself through my own life
not caring about anything

i just want one day
one day that i dont feel like ****
one day that doesnt make my lungs tight
one day that doesnt make my broken heart burn
one day that doesnt fall apart and slip away
like sand through my fingers

im just so ******* tired
of everything
of struggling to keep people in my life
of constantly anticipating the next awful thing
of trying to hope and being crushed
over and over and over

i get you're going through something
and i will be here for you the whole time
but you have to make it out of this alive
because i cant do it without you

caffeine free
orange-ish
yellow and pink
like candy
never too sweet

just a girl
but she's a peach
sparkling
pretty and keen
gentle
fruity and kind
pretty peach
i wish she was mine

i want him
i want his arms around me
his hands on my hips
his eyes on me
his lips on my lips

i want him
every broken piece of him
i want his body
but im greedy
im selfish
i want him all for myself
i dont want to share

but i need him too
i need his heart more than his hands
i need his hope more than anything
i need him to be here
maybe not mine but still alive
i need him
somehow
some way
i do.

if you dont want me around
please, dear god, let me know
because right now
one less person to worry about
is not a ******* problem for me.

i have enough **** to deal with
so if you're done with me
just go.

i'll still be here when you come back.

ive been dreaming
all week long
dancing around
like every word is a song
ive been dreaming
of you and me
about what could happen
if i left for the sea

one day i will have everything you need
one day i will make myself enough for you
maybe even sometime soon
and when that day comes
if there are still mutual feelings
we could be something amazing

but right now
i know im not enough for you
and i dont want you to hurt yourself
waiting around for me

i want you to be happy
and have fun
and do whatever you need to do
to maintain your mental health
because it IS important

yes, i will be extraordinarily jealous
of every hand you hold
that isn't mine
but you deserve better than me
(dont get me wrong, im not going anywhere)
and it's makes me very happy
that you would probably deny that fact
endlessly

i love you
whatever that means to you
i love you in every way
and if i have to
i will spend the rest of my life
trying to make you as happy
as you make me

sometimes it's easy to forget
why you love someone
how to love someone
that you love them at all

sometimes you have to remember
that love is more than making out
it's not always intense or passionate
it can't always be like that

sometimes love is just
being there for someone
being a friend

sometimes "i love you"
means im here for you
i care about you
and i want you to be happy

sometimes it's really that simple

i know i have no right
to be jealous
to be impulsive
to keep ******* things up

i wish we could talk
but i don't want to make things worse
(i usually do)
i dont want you to start pushing me away again

im stupid
i say stupid stuff

usually to get a reaction
because im an attention *****
a narcissist
whatever

i dont really have much to say now
i love you
i guess
as stupid as that is
it's true

a memory
of purple and green
like wildflowers
a silly thing
old love
fond memories
and bitter feelings
faded
young love
running in circles
chasing a train
confetti and adventure
old bones and lit cigarettes
memories of a day
when we were both happy
when all i needed
was you

i will always be
a disappointment
always distant
always getting hopes up
and letting them down
ill always love you
but i cant always be there for you
not in the ways i wish i could

citrus colored
acid and sweet
balanced
stable
like apricots
and nectarines
sunflower yellow
i want to be free
not perfect or pretty
just want to be me

i like to think
that you think about me
whenever im not around
i like to imagine
that you dream about me
while you're sleeping sound
i like to pretend
that youre missing me
whenever i feel alone
i like to think
that you think about me
even if you dont

i personally live at night
**** just hits different
after 10:00 PM

lets be those weirdos
in a gas station at 3 am
lets be cool and smooth
lets go on long drives
down dark empty streets
lets live life
in liminal space

everything just feels more possible
like we could really do anything
night has spooky mysterious vibes
lets be spooky and mysterious together

so basically
sometimes
it kinda feels
like
maybe
you're making excuses
to not be with me

which is stupid
and (most likely) not true

but if it is,
it's okay
you don't have to want to be with me
we can still be friends
just say that you don't
want me
if you don't