boys are mindless, they're like bulls

they see two flags, one that's being tossed around violently in the air and one that is being fluttered about gently
they are used to the one that flutters, they've seen it being waved violently, that's how it first got their attention. but the violent wave can only last so long, the matador will eventually get tired of violently waving the flag and it will get used to the bull's temper and only wave it violently when it needs to
the bull takes longer to recognise that just because the matador is fluttering the flag, doesn't mean that the violent wave is gone. it's just being kept for when it is needed most. so the bull, only being drawn to what the surface level shows, leaves the fluttering flag and the matador and charges towards the violently flowing flag.

but, little does the bull know that that flag will soon end up fluttering too because no flag waves violently forever and when the bull realises this, they will realise the mistake they made when they left the first matador and run to the flag that has a sword hidden underneath.

love isn’t meant to be something we can track
doesn’t start at point a and end at point b
it’s not a pin point on a map but more like a flame
like the flames on the candles we light on church alters
there’s always at least one that is lit and some that have long burnt out but you couldn’t say when they did
love is the flame on the candle you forget is lit until one day it just blows itself out and all that remains is the smoke that billows and the ash of ember
love is something that should not be named
nor trapped in a box of what it is supposed to be but rather set free, like birds from a cage
for love is a shape shifter and contorts itself in different ways for every person you meet and every heart beat that arises, no to loves are the same and that’s what makes it so dynamic
love is a monster, a mystery an undefinable beast and yet, love is synonymous to all that we value most in life and the most sought after thing
love is the sin we all fall victim into partaking in

slow dance with me  
i’ll bust out the old record player
place the album we used to love by day in and day out
the vinyl’s worn down, full of scratches and slightly lopsided from the constant wear and tear of the needle
it repels being placed on the turn tables, but i get it to fit
the needle hits and the sound is never quite right
all the damage caused to it has changed the melody from harmonic to cacophonic
nevertheless, we dance
ignoring the utter clarity that the record’s shanty melody casts upon us
that we, much like the record, are destined to break at the scratch of a needle
that we have slowly become equivalent to the album that rings in our ears and fills our tumultuously silent house
we both know this to be truth, however we refrain from acknowledging our impending doom and ignore it for an ignorance we try to convince ourselves is true
the needle runs off the record
our feet slow to a halt
the sound of a needle hitting dead wax fills the room
and we dissipate back into the ignore we so desperately need to be true

silence, silence so primitive that it begs to be heard
begs for attention, for you to notice what it’s trying to tell you
but alas, silence is still white noise in empty space
everything goes left unheard

conversation, conversations that escape from soft lops like birds from a cage
aching to be free in the world, to be heard, to be noticed
words creating a cacophony, so hard to miss any that are firing out from our canon mouths
but the words you were aiming never hit bullseye, they got left unspoken

actions, actions that you could retrace all the way back to love
the imminent need for touch, a graze of calloused fingertips against smooth arms
the lack of personal space between your body and mine
eyes flickering to every target some other body part is trying to make contact with
alas, actions got misconstructed, they got left unnoticed

conclusion, conclusion of the un-phenomenon
hands locked around my waist, twist so we’re face to face
eyes locked on target, heart rates hitting a hundred
cataclysmic sparks, a new un enters the plot
unexpected response, he goes in for another
the un-phenomenon comes to an expected ending

drape the silk over my eyes
tie the blindfold tight
take away my eyesight, i’m not one to see what lies inevitable anyway

whisper distractions in my ear
buzzing around like a misquote
constant ring of you know how much i love you
carry on buzzing, make my sanity dissipate

watch as my arms begin to try and swat you away
see the vulnerability, perfect time to tell the truth
the love buzz changes into let me *******
four months four months buzzing in my ears
the constant sound of pleading to end your self diagnosed suffering

the swatting becomes a rapid fire attempt to shut the buzzing up
you only get faster, little bug
the buzzing becomes a permanent ring in my ears
even long after it’s gone, i still hear it loud and clear

so tie the silk tight
buzz in my ear
until my sanity breaks and your sexless suffering is all i hear

why’s it so hard
why’s it so hard
an ultimatum hangs in the air
so thick it fills our lungs like cigarette smoke
the drug that lies within the ultimatum and cigarettes is the girl you cheat on me with
inhale her into your lungs
let her infiltrate parts of you that i will never have access to
she’s ruining us
breaking a home that was built on foundations that could withstand any disaster that crossed its pass
all to be cracked right down the centre by a home-wrecker who had always lay hidden away in the concrete
it’s her or me
no magic eight ball can decide your fate

with each kiss i can feel you slipping through my finger tips
everyone time i say i love you
i can see the pain behind your eyes
telling me that there’s no possibility that i could love thee
because i cannot relinquish myself to thee

with each embrace i can feel my bones breaking under the pressure
they snap so easily when you hold me closely
an escape mechanism, trigged by my innate reaction to flee
already picturing the way in which you’ll leave me

sooner or later, you will be gone
even though you tell me that there isn’t a chance you’d leave over something as elementary as abstinent
but the tape plays on repeat in my mind
like a broken VHS, stuck on the same scene
you finally break and go off with someone who can give you what i refuse to
leaving me alone, just like all the other skeletons before who had beautiful bones
and i, wither down further
my skeletal bones that have long been broken, start to crack
and with each repeating scene, my broken bones disintegrate
leaving behind a pile of ash.

as i lay here, encapsulated by my own guilt
a pool of blood begins to muster underneath me, and it stains the satin sheets red

i can feel the blood draining from me ,
but i am unaware of how i got myself into this position? why am i bleeding?

my hands run up and down my back, until they stop on something, a handle sticking out of my back, right behind where my heart would be

they grasp on tight and pull out the weapon i didn’t feel pierce me
the light makes the blade glint, the silver glistens and the blood that drips has an elegant sheen to it

he puts his hand on my chest
as if by a stroke of magic, his hand goes straight through and finds its way to my heart
he holds it, and i can see in his eyes he knows what his motives are
slowly, he pulls it, out of my chest, but there is no pain at first
the pain kicks in when he looks at me, dead set in the eyes, with my heart in his hands and delicately tightens his grip on it, watching as I slightly wince in pain, taunting at the pain he can inflict upon me
all because i decided to relinquish my heart to thee

to admit that you are in love is to admit that you can be inflicted with anything
in my experience, love is simply an overarching word for everything that is in existence
with love comes the inevitable and oblivion all at once
the two most terrifying things to most individuals, along with everything else there is

in my short lived time, i have been in love twice
the first, a disaster from the start, for it was unrequited and he made me believe that he loved me all the same so he could have his way and leave at the first break
the second, the second is pure. he lives me more than anything I could ever have asked for. The second, the second dis what scares me, i know he loves me. I know myself and I know i destroy everything that is good, and he is everything that good could be. I cannot simply act as i did when the first left me, for the second promised no matter what he would always love me.

to love is to be so careful with everything, and my clumsy nature doesn’t know how to tread lightly, one step at a time. It falls and makes mistakes, some to detrimental to recover from, and to love is to own an entire heart the isn’t yours. I love the second, truly i do, but i don’t think i can love the second without breaking him too.

you liked to live life in the fast lane
speed straight down highways, no slowing down
no brakes, no time to hesitate
no time for limitation on your desire to obtain your preoccupations

you liked to focus on the present for a short while
until the now signalled its change to the slow lane and began driving the speed limit and you could no longer race it
from then, it was pretending to care while searching for the next body type
no two were exactly alike, you always had a hunger for a new rev in the engine
sooner rather than later, the present became a distant memory that you left stranded on the side of the highway and you took the driver's seat in a new model that you should've taken passenger's in

you did always enjoy revisiting your antiques though
they were the ones you knew were too attached to forget you
until one day, your most prized possession refused to turn on its headlights and refused to run for you
and thus began the inhalation of your premium body type collection

off to the races speed demon, good luck finding another car to race

a feeling long forgotten
hidden six feet under, a buried treasure waiting to be unearthed
it came out of nowhere, opened itself up, unleashing pandora’s box
but pandora changed the fate of her box
instead of releasing its usual chaos, the box unleashed a serenity
it draped over reality like a fine linen sheet
and suddenly everything began to turn bliss
the reality that once was dreaded and made the air hard to breathe
became one that i wouldn’t fear waking up to
i unknowingly found the version of pandora’s box that for me
would release a string of dopamine, sparking happy
something that had long been buried in a grave, waiting once more to be unearthed

removed every memory, erasing each one from my brain like a school child would erase mistakes from their essays
cleansed myself of the traces of dirt you left lingering on my skin
removed myself from the toxic mental state you left my mind to create, the radioactive waste you left in there began to get too much to bare
you became like a faded photograph, only the outline of what once was remained
i tucked you away, like the old phrase out of sight out of mind
i became whole again, on my own
i found happiness within myself instead of within a temporary foundation
you’re trying to break the concrete i have laid down over your cracked foundation in an attempt to re-earth it
but this concrete will never give way to let you seep in-between the cracks that lay beneath it

my mother told me she'd never been hurt by a man as much as i had been hurt by you
never been treated as horrifically as you treated me
she asked me what that kind of pain felt like because she couldn't understand
and as she watched my own child break in front of her eyes
i replied "mum, it's the kind of pain that you only feel every so often, when all the air has been taken from your lungs and you feel as if nothing is real. and you feel as if you are a ghost among the living, barely existing. and the worst thing is, it always comes from the opposite direction that the winds are to blow, the storm comes from nowhere."
she asked me how i knew what this pain was to remind her how i got here, and i told her, i loved someone more than i had ever, and then one day, they decide to play their cards against your odds and the memories still haunt you at 3 am when you're alone and all you can think of is how they used to make you feel and you make up excuses to still be with them, in any way you can, until it physically makes you ill and you unconsciously start to **** yourself from the pain. and eventually, the feeling becomes so natural, that you forget what it's like to feel normal and you call the pain love and let it live on.

i owe many of my firsts to you
my first sense of love
my first heartbreak
my first falling again for an old flame
my first feeling as if someone's entire world affects you in a way you didn't know was humanly possible
my first intimacies
my first feeling of loving someone more than you had ever loved anyone before
but of all the first
i owe my worst first to you
the first encounter with realising that the person you love more than anything else, is the person who has caused the most pain and broken your heart the most times
you were the first person i ever loved, and the first person i ever chose to leave because i loved them
and for that i am eternally grateful, i'll be getting on without you

you never know
      you'd never understand
            you haven't gone through
the mind game . . . . . destruction more like
            of convincing yourself that
you are not in love any longer  
                       with the boy who lays right next to you
as he is looking directly at you
       and as you are looking at him, at all the little things you fell in love with
              actively trying to disassociate them from the rush of love to the heart and infatuation to the brain
                                    while trying to block out all the memories that flood back of when you were truly happy
and the realisation that you know him better now than you did then and your heart has access to more things to love
                      but it cannot, you have convinced it that it cannot
                      because while his mother still calls you a couple, you promised that you would never be again, a sacrifice made for his benefit

he walked in with an effortless grace
made his presence known to me
the room was undisturbed all other patrons unbeknownst to the mystery of he
i was cloaked in a chill that cascaded over me like a sheet of ice
he didn’t look *** i expected him to
he was clean cut with eyes of icy blue, he could have easily been mistaken for love
but i knew after gazing into the icy blue
that i had met the death of me
the death of me is you.

flash a smile
act like everything’s just fine
hide lies in plain sight
create an oscar worthy performance

count to ten
close your eyes
focus on the darkness that lies behind close eyelids
try to remember something of a pleasant time
open
notice the nail marks imprinted on pale palms

open pandora’s box
you know where it leads
is that my blood? i didn’t feel anything.

how did i end up here again?

a brief encounter
hand slid up silk
a hurried kiss and glance around
onlookers would ruin the show
a secret shared between lips
pupils dilate at the sight
the desire for you still reins true
craving a brief encounter once more
the odds are against the occurrence

i miss the way fingertips felt against my cold skin
the soft touch that only a lover can provide
the kind of touch that can melt icebergs and start wildfires
i miss the sweet sound of whispered words that could start a revolution and the goosebumps that came with each mumbled "i love you"
i miss the feeling of drifting off in a pair of arms that transformed an embrace into a home and made a safety net around me as if protection could only exist within this space between fingertips and other ligaments
i miss the feeling that you provided
i miss the feeling of being wanted
i miss loving something, someone
i feel as if i have lost all sense of direction

you were a series of one times
a one time text
a one time hit up
a one time thing
i knew that to begin with
but why did i check to see if you'd text me again
why when i saw you, across the crowded room did my heart skip a single beat
we are a series of one times
a one time that i wanted to be a some times to an all time
i guess i want all of your time
but i can't have all your time and you don't want mine
i mean we barely have spent time together in the first place
but god
i wish we weren't just a one time

faded into disturbia
felt like i was floating
couldn't see right, night two of devotion
you looked good to me
i hope these lingering attractions fade away
you were a one timer, a say hi and goodbyer
you were not supposed to take up a space in my brain to fester over
i am nothing to you
took hits just to work up the courage to talk to you
we haven't spoken since the one time
i wish i was more than a one time
but you, you have a new long time that i didn't know i wanted to be
took another sip to try and suppress you
took another hit to try and forget you
but there you still were

i swore i didn’t want anything more
feeling free since july nineteenth
the lack of adoration for another person felt like release
but as i lay here
imagining what it would feel like to have someone’s arms wrapped around me
holding on tight as if i was their most valued possession
i am fleeting back into the desire to have a heart that isn’t mine beat for me so rapidly
as if it’s trying to keep me and mine alive.

i swore i would know love when he stopped by
he would be wearing skate highs and know how to ride
i’d probably run into him doing kick flips and listening to the smiths
he’d have amazing style, always wearing black chinos with the bottoms cuffed up
i swore that this model of love would waltz right into my heart and he would be the first and i would only ever know love in that genre
but love turned out to be completely different
love wore khaki shorts and hated the colour black
love hadn’t rode a skateboard since he was nine and even then he couldn’t do a kick flip to save his life
love ditched the smiths for kendrick and thought that kanye was a god
love hated his trousers cuffed at the bottoms, he thought it made him look like a pirate
but love waltzed right in, and took my heart right by the reins and made me realise that i never truly had any idea of who love was before love showed up

i didn’t tell you i loved you that day
the day we sat around and did nothin
the day we watched my dog and i stared at you for about an hour, in awe of your being
the day i sat and watched you become distance from me
the day i had to ask you to kiss me
the day of prom where i felt like an alien in your arms, the same day i began to realise that we would no longer be “we” for much longer
the day you broke my heart and treaded all over it
the days i sat and cried over you but still kept on talking to you like nothing was wrong and that i was totally okay with you breaking my heart, yes of course we can still be friends
the day i saw you after all this was said and done and we went out to eat for my birthday and i was still so in love with you and i think you knew it too, i didn’t hide it very well
the day after all of this had passed, months later, and i saw you and you kissed me agin and told me you missed me but to not get my hopes up about anything escalating, you’re  still not ready for a relationship
i didn’t tell you i loved you, because i knew you wouldn’t say it back
i told you i loved you, and you said you loved me too
i said you didn’t and you took that as a shot to the heart, an attack on you
you told me you loved me in a general “love”, you loved me in all aspects but also not all aspects
and then it all hit me again and i remembered why i didn’t tell you i loved you to begin with.

you got what you wanted
after months of waiting you received the one good thing i had left to offer
why won't you leave
i've built myself up ready for you to leave, and yet you stay
i don't know why you're still here
nothing is keeping you tied down to me, no physical strings
i've prepared myself for your departure
my heart cannot withstand loving you for much longer
when it knows that all you love me for is the things my body can do to yours and not the beauty that lives within it
yet you stay and with each passing second i love you more and more
every hour becomes more torture
and i know deep down that you'll leave
because i am just another girl you liked the look of
a nice statement piece in your bed
a tiny but sturdy frame to clutch onto
another kiss in the dark and barely a wave hello in public
but even though i know all of this to be true
you're still here and i, i still am in love with you

i remember when you said you loved me
each syllable seemed to slice at my cheek as it passed into my ear
you never looked at me when you said it, i never realised it until now
i remember when i knew i loved you, i felt a fire inside my lungs and my body shut down in shock
i couldn't breathe, oxygen turned into carbon monoxide and suddenly everything turned hazy
this was long before you ever said you loved me
even four months later, i still can't breathe when i realise that i still love you

i didn’t realise that in binding our time together i had to give you my silence
i didn’t realise that this relationship was one sided, of course in your favour because who am i to have needs or desires when all that i am goes directly to you
i didn’t remember signing my entire life away to you, letting you take control of my strings and giving you the role of puppeteer
i didn’t realise that you, while you show me glimpses of what life can be would be the very force that restricts me from living
i didn’t realise that my one true arch nemesis would stem from within my own body, an invisible demon living inside my very own temple
i don’t remember you even asking to be apart of my life, i just remember you announcing you presence, suddenly and out of the blue
i don’t remember signing a contract that gave you ultimate power over my being, but i don’t think you crafted one to begin with
i don’t remember saying that you could invite friends to move into my home, but then again when have you ever asked to do anything
i don’t even know how you came to be, but then again, when did my anxiety and cyclomythia ever stem from anything logical, they just turned up one day and made me their permanent residency

is it possible to see a person
every day, every hour
in every aspect of life
and still never get tired of seeing them?
is it possible to get the same
production of emotions each time you even
think of their being? or their laugh? or any aspect of them?
is it possible that every time i lay my eyes on you
i only fall deeper and deeper?
is it possible, to not get your heartbroken by the idea of not being anything, but having someone who is everything?

we were happy, i know we were. it seems so far away now, whatever we had before seems so out of reach now, not that what we have now is bad, not at all, but i can’t help but miss aspects of what we had. I miss the beginning of the past, you were so different then, you seemed to be in for the ****, you seemed so happy then, i don’t think i’ve really seen you so into me since, that is unless you’re trying to get something out of me. I don’t mind it, though, i just miss knowing that you’re fully mine is all. I have this constant worry that I’m simply just not enough for you, even after all this time i still feel like i’m not enough, even when i give you all that i have to give, i still seem to be falling short in some aspect.

i mean you look at me and instantly i cannot help but smile to no end, and all you do is look at me. it’s ridiculous that even after all this time, i still cannot stop the beat of my heart from elevation each time you lay those eyes, those ****** eyes of your on me. i feel like i am invincible and it’s crazy to me that you have that power over me with just a simple glance. even if you gave me the coldest stare you could muster, in between all that ice and bitterness i would still find some warmth and that scares me. the fact that i will always find some fire inside your ice blue eyes, even if i have to imagine that there is still a flame ignited behind them for me. oh it drives me crazy you you can do all of these things to me, after all this time.

i wish i could say that your mine, but quite frankly i cannot and i act like i’m fine with that and most of the time, i convince myself that i am for your sake, but when the lights are out and i’m staring at the ceiling, stifling tears behind my own stone cold blue irises, i am reminded that i am not fine with our current situation or even what the current situation used to be. i am reminded that even though i tell myself i don’t want it, all i really want is the right to be able to say confidently that you are totally and completely mine because i have already given you that power over i, and you didn’t even have to ask for it.

you tell me pretty things
things i craved to hear long ago
you admit to still feeling something and you know that’s enough to convince me to do anything
you give me that look
the look that sends chills all over, the look that could make me **** a man without hesitation
you lean in, i do the same
our lips lock
things escalate
you hands roam
i don’t complain
soon enough you’ve got what you wanted, well for now that is
i go over again, the next day
we do the same show
except this time it’s for your pleasure and my hands roam
i leave
you tell me how good i was
and now here we are
you’re asking for the one thing i am still afraid of
jokingly saying i owe you after four months of waiting
the joke stings
because i know that i’ll give this to you
and you’ll leave
you’ll get what you want and simply just
move on
and i’ll be left, all alone
crying into my cookie dough
questioning why i let you back in
i hope i was satisfactory to your needs

what is there to say
i pour my heart out to you
you say you feel the same
we do what we always do
two days later you tell me you like me but you still don’t want to date
what am i to do?
i know i’ll wait for you, like a lovestruck child
no matter how hard i try
i’m stuck on you, unfathomable as to why
deep down i know you’re stuck on me too
otherwise we wouldn’t be stuck in this mess
it’s such a simple solution
we’re both after the same thing, we’ve established this
so why are you still not ready have it

you told em you loved me today
my first instinct was to deny it, there's no possible way
you repeated yourself once more and i shot it down again
you looked destroyed when i told you you didn't love me, there's no possible way
you insisted you did, reminding me you tell me all the time
but texting and physically saying that time old phrase aren't remotely related
you told me you loved me today
and i nearly died
why can't i accept your i love you when i used to crave it?

i slept with my phone on last night
clutched it tight in my hand as i tried to fall asleep
regretting the topic i brought up but hoping to feel the heartbeat simulation
the vibration set to your contact buzz in the palm of my hand
waiting for answers knowing that you weren’t doing the same when i wasn’t replying
realising that i have destroyed any possible non platonic feeling you have for me by bringing up the pain that’s festered inside for three weeks
i slept with three blankets on last night
still shivering cold from anxiety
the cold didn’t vanish even when i added more blankets
i slept with a hope last night
a hope that you’d realise in the morning that even after this fight i’m still worth it
a hope that your fear of committing would vanish and you’d come to your senses
i still hold the hope tight, as i did my phone when i fell asleep last night.

you said you don’t know what you’d do to yourself if anything happened to me
you said if i died you’d die with me
so what do you propose to do?
now that you’ve happened to me and killed a part of me that should’ve died long ago
what’s the plan for our demise? what’s the movie script ending you have in mind?
the sun killed the moon and the stars shine in her absence.

the second shot
you called them all
made every spilt second decision to turn our platonic friendship into a disaster of i wanna get back together
you frame us a best friends now
but i think boyfriend suits you better
you thought the same last week
the switch flipped, you got scared of falling once more
and once more i am left, alone in my bed, crying into my pillow over the sun kissed blonde boy who drives me to the brink of insanity
my god i love you
my god i need to stop loving you

the crash
spinning into the opposite lane
the panic
how the **** did this happen?
the realisation
okay, a car hit mine but i’m perfectly fine
the contact
call my mum call my sister
but the first person i thought of after all of this was you
there’s a reason for this i’m sure
and i don’t want to accept it
how is it that even in the most terrifying time i have ever been placed in, i still thought of you to talk to first
you came as soon as i told you what happened
the only calm i felt was when you held me close
i hate it.

july 24, 2018, 12:37 am
my mind is constantly fixated on you
the idea of you
the idea of us, repeating over and over
spinning like a broken record, the same melody on repeat but the scratches make it sound different each time
i don’t know why you’re still on my mind, or why you have been for the last six months..
i can’t escape it
even when you weren’t here I still couldn’t escape you, you are everywhere, you are everything
i can’t live without something retracing my steps back to you, the never ending cycle
i wish i could outrun the patterns, but the marathon sprinter in me has been bolted down to the concrete, never to escape
i don’t know what it is that i cannot escape
is it you? is it my fleeting hope to ever move on?
i think my heart isn’t letting me escape the love i have for you
i can’t escape it
i can’t escape you

i want to be loved
i want to feel the warmth of a loving embrace
i want to know what it's like to feel hopelessly devoted to another being
i want to live in the sunshine and not in the shade, hidden away by the fear that i'll run into you in the narrow hallway, thanking my for your stay and that my body was a lovely resting place
i don't want to feel like  a vacation or provocation to someone, i want to be a home
i want to fall in love with someone who truly reciprocates the passion i have for thee
i just want you to fall in love with me

why is it that everything you do makes me want to break down and cry like i don’t actually think you understand how confused i am over your *******. can you please make up your mind? are you in for the long haul or am i just some pretty little notch in your god dam bed post? i thought i was alright with this whole friends with benefits thing but honestly i can’t keep doing this to myself when for the past four days i’ve literally been so miserable because it’s like you turned off a ******* switch and now all it seems to me is that you’re playing games with fire and i don’t like that.

you glance at me
the look you give is enough to propel me into an amnesia that allows me to forget every ounce of pain you ever inflicted upon me
a bouquet of pink roses is handed to me
as if you’re asking me to ***** my hands on the thorns as i pick the petals, wondering if i’ll ever land on he loves me
a haze casted over my eyes
the rose tinted curse, everything seems to be blissfully nice

you lean in
give me that look that says “my god i can’t believe you’re alive”, you make me feel worth something
we kiss, you deepen it, light and gentle is never enough
hands run all over, trying to find where x marks the spot
strike gold, get lucky
we stop, i like you.
i go over again, only two days apart
the story repeats
i like you, you lust me
you think i’m pretty, a nice statement piece
a treasure locked behind closed doors, just another plastic participation trophy in the open
i know i’ll see you running around with some other girl, and i’ll still be here convincing myself that i’m over it

slow things down
live in the present of you and i, colliding in ways that previously seemed to be long over, an unforeseen fate
committing acts two beings platonically could never do
the idea of me and you once more, but an actual romance in act two
causing headache from inhaling all the smoke signals
does he want me or does he love me?
"best friend" being thrown around after doing things no two best friends would ever think of doing, avoiding the topic at hand of what even is this mess we've created
we're both without love, both have typical teenage desires, might as well have some fun while being alone
i don't know how much longer i can do this without falling straight back into square one of loving you

sat in the chair
changed everything about it
the finale to getting over you
bleached the **** out of my hair
cut an inch off, you never liked short hair
the girl in the mirror no longer looks like the girl who loved you
the girl in the mirror no longer feels tied down to the idea of ignite a burnt out flame with damp matches
she has sewn her heart back together, it no longer feels the pain
the closure has set in

please stop making my hands shake
please stop sending my head into a miserable headache
please stop confusing me with smoke signals
please stop giving me mixed signals
please stop making my heart race at 100 miles per hour, it can't take the speed
don't tell me a fabricated truth and then retract back as if nothing ever happened
i was over you, i am over you, but you cannot come back and admit to still feeling something
i cried too many tears to have my heart thrown into the road and ran over like road **** and devoured by the vultures all over again
i can't believe i'm ever in contemplation of ever accepting an us again
please stop throwing rocks at my window and begging me to let you in, i'm not some helpless princess anymore
please, make up your and and stop tormenting mine

the caress of baby soft skin
clutch onto me
grab and pull me closer
faces accidentally brush against whilst turning heads
the innocence of it all
feelings unspoken
desire present, the tensions are palpable and hang heavy in the air, breathing is a difficulty
thoughts interconnected but separated by the individuals
the touch of soft lips against each other
the almost natural kiss, pulled closer in.
time ceases, everything stands still
what am i to do with myself

i missed the feelings that used to arise when your eyes met mine
the same little devils that caused my heart to explode and mind to race into universes unknown
i missed them so dearly and wished for them to return
my heart was better off with them than without, a matter that made no sense when they hurt it so whilst creating phantasmagoria
replaying days in my mind that i tried so desperately to forget
getting rid of the little devil's tugs on my heartstrings and getting over what used to be
then suddenly, you returned
and the waves came rushing in
like a day i can't forget

words exchanged our parents would **** us for
promised made that i don’t know i can follow through
a new relationship formed, a different one for me and you
consisting solely of your lust and my feeding into, cursing myself for every text sent
******* myself over, falling deeper and deeper once again into the idea of you
while you’re thinking of the idea of me in your bed wrapped in between sheets
desires tangled like naked bodies in bed
you are lust and i’m love, the messy bed had yet to be made

he only lays his eyes on me to create an image of who he wants me to be to lock away in his memories and replace who i am with who he wants me to be
he only desires me for my body, he’s come crawling back when i told him that the next relationship i have i think i’ll be ready to explore more of my sexuality
the desire to run hands up and down my thighs and hips never faded but whatever attraction that went deeper than physical died long ago and now the lust thrives within
he only likes me for what i have to offer, not in the moral sense of the phrase, i know he only speaks to me in this mannerism again just so she can see me on my knees staring up with pretty little eyes
he only wants me for my body and what i can supply but i still want him for his soul and his mind.

clouded head pounding with a sense of regret
is it regret? or is it a yearning for  what I once had?
confused by your sudden actions, you keep tugging at heart strings that are almost threads, barely holding together
head spinning, this room I sit in seems to be shrinking, the dark seems to overtake the little light that spills in under the space between the door and hard wooden floors
clutching my head in agony, my heart is screaming at the pain you inflict on tugging at the strings
i feel a slice, cut the strings in half, the pain comes to a halt
a brief numb overcomes my body, a silence instills in the room
and then out of thin air, just like your change of mind, all of the pain floods into my veins and I scream out into the abyss
oh the things you can inflict upon me.