I am lost

I am numb

When I cut,

The pain…

It never comes

So I slice my skin

Watch the blood run down

My mutilated arm

I hear noises

But there is no sound

I feed the addiction

Then I go to sleep

I wake up with a jolt

I roll over and weep

I’m suddenly angry

I hate the whole world

Alone with my thoughts

Hate

Hate

Hate

Hate

I hate myself

But now I’m late

I’m skipping class

I don’t want to face

My teachers

For their eyes

Will flood with disappointment

I’m a failure

I know

I am a disappointment

I’m scared

But my fears

Are stupid

And irrational

The thought of death

I can’t even fathom

But the thought of life

It haunts me at night

What comes with tomorrow?

The light after the night

I scream in my head

My thoughts are so loud

My thoughts are so fast

I act

My feelings

Sorrow filled

Cutting again

My blood is spilled

The bipolar addiction

My feelings in a whirl

I can’t control

The monster

In this girl

I’m stuck in confusion

I’m out of my mind

I’ve lost track of time

I’m stuck on rewind

I am lost

I am numb

When I cut,

The pain…

It never comes.

I never feared the monsters under the bed.

What I really had to fear

Were the monsters in my head.

Every year

They told me to just

“Let them free.”

When the cold hard truth

Was that the monster

Was me.

I never feared the monsters under the bed.

What I really had to fear

Were the monsters in my head.

Slowly killing

Slicing my heart

Breaking my soul

Tearing me apart

And maybe someday

When I go crazy

I’ll slit my throat

You’ll miss me

Maybe.

I never feared the monsters under the bed.

What I really had to fear

Were the monsters in my head.

**** me now

And sing the song

The song of death

The song so long

The song of pain

The song of blame

What a beautiful, deadly song

I burn my skin

To **** my pain

Yet suicide

Still remains

The cuts don’t work

The burns still hurt

I cannot **** my pain

Black

Rain

Box

Hole

Dirt

Flowers

Stone

Tears

Tears

Tears­

Tears

I’m six-feet under

Thanks to my fears

I’m sorry world

For delivering a girl

Who is weak and naive

With her mind in a whirl

With her heart in a box

That may never be unlocked

I’m a broken

torn-up

terrified girl

But what can I say?

As I hold the blade

This is a broken

torn-up

terrified

World.

We go through life
Trained to question,
To seek knowledge,
To understand.

But this isn't
An easy task
We have here on hand.

The truth hurts,
And facts aren't always pretty.
A simple "yes" or "no" response
Can bring you down
Quite quickly.

"Is it cancer?"
"Is he cheating?"
"Am I really wasting my life away, sulking in cheap pity?"

Questions like these
Cut beyond flesh and bone.

Their answers go deeper;
They penetrate the soul.

So here's a tip
As you journey and grow:
Don't seek answers
you don't want to know.

I want to feel in love again,
I want the comfort of it all.
I want to rest my head in the lap
of a new man
and smile, happy that the first
was not the last.