in some sort of twisted way
i've missed having someone make me spit

that wondrous insignificance that comes
with letting somebody under your skin

every word out of their mouth an attack
& every action they take purposely meant to exclude you
to tease you
to please them
to watch you squirm

letting somebody in

it's even worse when they sneak through
a window
without you noticing

& then it's over

they tighten their grip
around your rationale
your compassion
your free will
and suddenly

everything is about them
and everything brings you to your knees
and you want to cry out
and scream

but you wouldn't want to disturb them

it's been a while since i've jumped through hoops

but light them on fire
suspend them over impossible heights
and foolishly my heart will guide me towards
doom grounded in absolute certainty

but fight
cry
struggle
laugh
dissect yourself
as her every breath magnifies every
insecurity you thought you had completely buried

yes
in some sick way
i've missed being made so sick with care

with worry
that i don't stand tall enough in the eyes of
some inconceivable creature

an inexorably important
omnipotent mind-numbing
force
in complete control

in short,
i am ******

i've missed being ******

Sun-bathed
Self-shame
Emulating the

Silk phantom of your flesh

Wind is whispering through
These orange trees,
The distance of touch
Now fermenting in the grove,

Breathing in
Air heavy in wanting,
Singing the shape
Of the blossoms that sit
Static
In their pretty graves

I long to be lost within that labyrinth,
The eternity from ear to ear,
Painting the walls within your mind,
Striking deeper crimson,
Mixing in our black-blue hours,

Embracing
Another voice to haunt,
A feeling to hunt down
And set free,
Another cold crack in my smile

A crackling like the brittle bones
You break and warm yourself
With, as snow piles around you,
Following the soft footsteps
That echo like the memory of a storm

Dragging time away,
You left a blizzard in your wake

But now I feel as though I gained a friend
In this shivering that holds me so close

Something flows in the wind that blows
vibrations transform the world around.
But not all souls are so privileged to know

The subtleties of a force so profound.
Dancing among the molecules
Of oxygen and light and sound,

Value surpassing precious jewels.
A present in its present state,
Presented to wise man and fool,

A gift to he who contemplates.
Sun shimmering about the world external
new sense of warmth now radiates

Gently, inwards it flows eternal,
To semblance of peace does it return you.

And songs beautiful as young blind love,
Jingle, whistle, over distant hill
Mirroring the plains and stars above.

Birds are creatures that instill
A sense of wonderment and pleasure.
Sat on branch in forest, or on windowsills,

Knowing not their beauty in its measure.
Having no sense of pride or vanity
unaware they possess the richest treasures,

Their song will become my own eventually.
Melodies so immense, simple and moving,
Like darkness now envelop me.

Mother night so welcoming and soothing,
In your embrace I banish all my brooding.

my Love was back
now it's gone again

in any path of orbit
Gravity always wins

There are better ways
to wake a man up you know,
Green Eyes,
why shake the bed?

Use your head, baby
use your head

But I'm up, I'm up
definitely so

I made it through
another night;
these nights
go so slow

I find my window for escaping,
I'm out now, my heart is racing

I left her at home
conniving alone
but there is no safe
place to roam

before I know it,
she'll be at my side
Stress, your green eyes
I can't deny

I try and I try but
I'm helpless to resist her

I try to overcome,
I try to dismiss her

But I know
once again we'll go
arm and arm to
your room

reaching for the ceiling,
touching and feeling
heavy breathing soon leading
to my pending doom

And despite what I've said,
I'm soon on the bed
and she plunges down to
my center instead

Her green eyes are burning
holes in my forehead
Humbly a man &
soon I'll be dead

although it is my vice, at
least she took my advice:

that's using your head

I check the clock knowing time, 
at least, won't lie—
Two hours past 3
And that place down the alley isn’t open

The sun shines brighter than ever,
The strained pavement is hot and
Covered in cigarette butts

The garage door is locked 
And any sense of sanctuary now locked behind it

I turn back, resigning myself to
Burying my thoughts alive
Deep beneath the workday

The time passes,
All-too-many pores sweat and my
Back hurts like my stomach drops flat

I step outside this familiar prison and collapse
At the feet of lunar light surrounding me,
Bats whirl overhead and
My heart races faster and faster

Ivory, delicate ivory,
Clutching the silly purple sweater
That I remember you smiling to see me in

Head now down to the floor and
This same silly sweater becomes a metaphor 

These fabrics of your absence
Caress my tired flesh

There was a time where I counted
Weeks by kisses on the cheek

And
Not quite butterflies but similar insects,
Though they didn’t have wings,
Could be felt whirring through my nerve endings,
Their presence at the pit of my anxieties,
Squirming through the muck

But now my feelings fill that space
In its current state, damp and muddy
Left in the wake of sensations past
Something beyond the spoken word

Between what is known and unknown

A question without an answer, the
Suspended seconds before free fall

The eye of the hurricane or
The voice trapped within a ringing phone

Something that exists before it’s realized
Chaining two things together
Existing only in its own negative space

And now
A familiar feeling finds me
In the midst of my focus fading,
Car parked in the same old spot

But only now do I realize how foreign this land is, how
Impossible it is to reach from where you last smiled at me

This silly purple sweater wraps
Me tightly with what refuses to exist,
I'm drowning in the this feeling of
The only time you'll ever hold me

These savage fabrics at my lips and throat
Smother me with the affection
That you never in my half-life will have

give me some sort
of interaction
I find myself now
yearning for it so

I'm lonely it's no
secret, no surprise
and certainly no
blessing, no dream
nor nightmare
unleashed upon me

I can't tell you what
that could mean

I wouldn't know what
to do with you if I had
you, sympathetic lady

I don't know much of
anything anymore, I've
yearned so fully lately

I need some feeling to
distract my mind from
the things I've seen

there is necessity
in my yearning, the
warped clarity it brings

I need the touch of
a woman

I'm tired of the scratch
of any other girl

batted eyelashes, pretty
lashes on trusting backs
it's all anticlimactic

yet I'm still so confused
by women

enigmatic woe-
catalysts

flowers bloom
in their step
cradling art
in their wake

I wish I could lie
pacified with a soft
warmth at my side

till the weight, gently
lifted from my back
sets upon my eyes

ah, love

I grow so bored with
feeling lonely

I'm so exhausted
with never knowing

If I were just
one bad experience younger

We would be the perfect team

I'd treat you better than any
queen of things

Only where you've dared to dream
is where else you'll see the love I bring

Every moment a memory
Every inch of you appreciated

All the wonderful complexities
That make you a woman

But I've had
one bad experience too many
And I'd rather have much more
To drink

And the world would
Much sooner end

Than you ever seeing me
on hands & knees again

I breathe in the ocean waves

The rolling and tumbling of my feelings
Echo the flickering lights above me

Dim and dimmer

Sea breeze sings to me
As the moon cradles me in my
Wondrous lonely

I am within sure embrace;
I am overtaken by the waters

Lights flicker till I can only
Feel dimmest in her moonlight

Do I dream or wake?
Where now has my spirit gone?

Somewhere, out there,
Dancing with the night sky,
Arm to eye, hand to cheek

I lay ever still

The ocean waves breathe me

Covered in mud composed
Of sticks & stones
So I'll never know
How bright I could glow

born in a rain cloud
bitter to the bone

My days filled with ways
To keep from feeling alone

There are no shortcuts
or such thing as luck

So instead there is beer
Joints and pity *****

I can't tell you what the future brings
I have no grasp on that sort of thing

And when I start mumbling curses
Please darling ignore me

Because I can still say I love
you in the morning

what a time to be alive

you see me licking my wounds
& I see you creating new ones

what incredible timing

drunk on company, on beer
and the "holiday cheer"

but that's not what it sounds like

we all got pretty ******,
it's a surprise I didn't *****

the room kept spinning

it was the holidays, though
and there was certainly cheer

my ears were ringing

oddly enough though, I
accepted it as a blessing

I can't fight against time

time is beautiful in the way it indiscriminately destroys

I'm not one to resist beauty

it's so chaotic and it makes
absolutely no sense at all

but it takes you places

I couldn't find the sea and
beauty led me there

even though life is loss

you get used to it and those
terrible beautiful things

can fill the cracks in your being
if you let them seep through you

I still see things, smell things, hear things-
although they are not still
in immediate existence

There are pieces of time
swept in between the fabric
of space separating
knowing and forgetting

They exist in a place all their own
separate from reality
in implicit duality
clawing and scabbing me

But they have lost their naivety,
and have had their creativity
swapped with rationality

the colors that once blared vibrantly,
fade & drip into the obscurity

that has poisoned my mentality

but they are still very much there
hallowed and impaired,
yet so very much there

Fall has
indeed

befallen

Pretty regularly now
I pass by that house

It was my first feelings of security
It was my true home away from home

Always there
Always happy
I've truly grown since I've known
What that household
Set in stone

I outgrew my shell

I fraternized for the first time

I experienced my first feelings
of gratification
of wanting
of being longed for

I expanded my mind
broadened my horizons

I've stayed up all night
I've broken the law

I've formed bonds
so strong
so strong

I met my second mom
I became the prodigal son

I owe everything to that place
everything to you & her

It all comes back to me now

He in an instant ruined it all
he ripped the carpet from underneath

The times are lost in obscurity

He's all that's left there now

You and her have far moved on for better

The trees die and the character with it

But I will always have my memories
He cannot, WILL not take those away

Driving by now it all flashes by, just like that
Every time I pass it

And every time I see his car in the driveway
I roll down my windows and yell
*******

and keep driving on

where exactly does the anxiety come from?
the pit in my stomach deepened a bit
nothing feels as good as you're expecting
when you are expecting it to feel good

the weather is a reflection of something
found within myself, but i don't know
how to quite put that into words so
i will just leave it at that i suppose

i was told by someone i've known long ago
to make use of these perpetual sorrows
that follow that carnal pull that men know
when they must make time somehow slow

a jester for a messenger
such irony fate practices

and as i numb the mind-
less banter of one i would
rather hate, i'm lost in
vague recollection of you

there's nothing special
about a bar
archers with no sense of
aim, arrows falling short
of the mark, passive
sadomasochists drinking
away some sort of pain

you floated around the room
and you knew my name
after the first time i came
around that place nearly insane

i felt memorable

i will remember you

i'd like to think every
little pill stood testament
to that pain you dealt
with every day
you will not suffer
defeat in solemnly
slow decay

there's things you can
explain away and much
more still that you can't
there is no real answer
& that much is only that

you took the pain you
faced daily with graceful
stride and i can't wrap
my head around the fact

but that is only and only that

the veil is softly thrown over
the guiding light that failed

you've created my song

you deserve your rest

i told myself i wouldn't think
so that led to dreams instead

strip away rationality, succumb
to true desire mentally and then
maybe, somehow, manage to be
happily abstaining from asking
any questions pertaining to the
things your heart knows are out of place

i felt my arms around your waist
& your cheek slightly graze my neck
i felt it
i don't know how you feel

the unrecognized pathway,
potential energy set to explode in sure
romance, was cut down in its war stance
it never had a chance

but the spirit of it lives on and
it is a very haunting thing
to see those wants and needs
crystalize in dreams

i told myself i wouldn't think
i've done too much, i confess

& i convinced myself i didn't love
which now has led me to obsess

sleep never comes
when you want it to

neither does

a voice
a touch

and the bottle is never enough
when your lungs are filled up

inhibition cuts
desire short
and money keeps you
locked inside

but yearning
loneliness
& wide eyed
hopefulness

keep you up at night

i am forcing this

but
i am not ashamed

what you did
was what you do

but you don't realize
the weight
that comes

with the way you
opened up and all

blue has remerged
blue is what i see
blue eyes i know
you've been looking
for me

chemicals in the air
reactions of you
the memories seep down
these empty hallways now

doors closed
rooms empty
bed big
and cold

mind circling
head heavy
body shivering
soul sold

i'll sleep on nails
on splintered floors
whatever you will

i don't mind

my mind is no more

i am the incarnation of desire

and the mouth
the fingers
that say too much

what matters is
what is what matters

what's true is true

you don't have to sleep
alone tonight

if you don't want to

the funniest part
of it
      all
is that I (actually) said I wasn't
going to do this

but you had other plans,

didn't you?

you had other plans
you're very convincing
I listened
I'm a good listener

on a side note,
I think brown might be
my favorite color

your eyes were brown

I also like pocket-t's
quite a bit

speaking of which, I liked
the design on your shirt pocket
quite a bit

I even remember your name

but don't ask me to spell it,
that's a different story

just you and me, you
know? Or maybe you
don't, rather? either
way it doesn't matter

either way I'm infatuated
either way you have this poem
either way my soul has bled for you

I hope I see you again

there is a feeling
fleeting
i mean
there was
something
on my mind

it lumbered in
without
greeting
and sat
wherever
it deemed fine

there was
meaning
i meant
to bring
with me to what
is here & now

but answers
elude me
i'm left with what
that thinking
did allow

it's never
anything
good or
helpful
it's mostly dreadful
and bathed in doubt

yet i wander
wonder & ponder
what all
this feeling
is about

it won't make anymore
sense, it won't it won't
and that's fine that
it won't, it won't, it won't

that's fine that it won't
i'll force myself afloat

you'll see me heel & toe
with the undertow

i'm reaching for touch
i ask for too much

i will find complete peace
in the sun & snow

missing stupid
little things

room for two
comfortable
familiar

I find myself
missing
the littlest
things

not
empty words,

****** favors,

tally marks
of headaches
instigated &
insinuated-

i dream of
willingness to
sit in silence

loving a stranger
who feels every
day like new
kindred spirit

eyes wander
eyes erupt
emaciate
& emancipate
soul from body

the gentle
presence
blanketing
my hands

kisses across
collar bones

blissful negligence

I miss it more
than I could ever anticipate

for the love of whoever
is listening at this hour

there is a sickness that
I'm stricken with

It's not in cough or
runny nose,

no body aches or
pains or physicality

it is an absence of
your beauty

that keeps me up &
has me stricken since

you flooded long
drought suffered

land, with piercing
look and
outstretched hand

there is new life
forming and flowing

it's all thanks to you,
you know

I want to be bitter,
but I so desperately

want you so much
nearer

humor me. please.
let me believe that you
actually want me.

I made you something pretty
The only way that I know how

And if only it could but a reflection
Of the beauty you emanate
The earth around would shine brighter than the sun
In the glory of your resplendence

I stabbed my emotions into computer keys

I projected my innermost desires onto a white screen

I shivered in repose as the world outside my window grew colder
And I warmed myself with your memory

I was foolish to think I could convey
The cathartic rush of my soul experiencing your own

There are no words for something so otherworldly
Something from the eternal
Something beyond all reason and limitation

I tried best I could to capture your essence
To crystallize all I'll know of you in poem

But there is no reconciliation with the impossible

That poem is gone and the introspection with it

I'll be the only one who knows how deeply I feel for you

There will never be a sufficient way to explain

she's out there, somewhere
but you can't be sure

in your arms
while you daydream

in the air you breathe;
intoxicating and elating

at your bedside,
keeping you up at night

it'll become too much

& you'll reach out
but you spend even more
time in your head
and you can't be too sure
of anything in this world

but you can be sure
she's out there

more than just a thing of dreams

she's out there, somewhere
alive with laughter

with a thirst for attention,
desperation in her demeanor

& a mouth full of midnight

What went so wrong in your life, little rabbit?
why do my headlights beckon you so?

why do you long, long, little rabbit
to be swept violently undertow?

my heart goes out to you
i sigh
as the thought plays
behind my eyes

you furry little guys
coming home, beating wives
hating lives, thinking twice
living lies
you capsize

is that why
you want to leave it all behind?

life goes on, bunny buddy
take that to heart and grow

my night filled with swerving
and shaking & braking
ends more than
your "right now" problems, *you know

I was half naked
and reeking of inspiration

but if you saw me then,
you would brush me off

vulnerable creature
bathing in perfume

basking in the comfort
of smooth skin

leave me
to be free

whatever I think that means

you know you are
the pretty cage
I've gotten so comfortable
inside of

please oh please
just let me free

this feeling that thrives
neither dead nor alive
is not something
to be taken lightly,

a cardinal sin
with no near end
begins, and there is
mostly
ruin left

for you and yours.
this feeling is different,
mostly if you let it,
like scraping down
the side of an
aluminum can

that's skyrocketing
towards some other
dimensional

depth, neither
approachable
nor
within the realm
of touch.