Left to wonder where
the feeling comes from

sitting with a turning
stomach, brimming
with last night's
bad choices

I went home
with loneliness again

I wake to see her
turned away from me

Loneliness has been
my constant companion
the one I know
I should be leaving
yet I sit with her in
self-induced exile

I won't ever be
the first to say it
it's in hand and mind
but I won't acknowledge that

where is the voice to whisper
my wishes & give flight
to a fleeting feeling?

where is the softness to soothe
where it hurts?

The stomach pains will go
away as surely as they
will come back again

But my soul suffers open
wound
bitterness keeps sickness
sustained
though more so
I need the assurance
the comfort

oh, loneliness,
your hair in bloom
upon the pillow cases

my frail hands are grasping
onto whatever they can
they are losing their grip
on the tangible

loneliness, my love,
why do you turn from me?

Shaking arms longing for
warm body go unsatisfied
they only hold own weaknesses

they cradle nothing more
than what isn't there

a low, low lonely boy
sitting at a desk, vices
laid out before him.
there are whispers from
the other room, he can
hear them but cannot
make out what they are
saying. the tones are
disapproving, however,
so one could assume the
worst. one is usually inclined
to only assume the worst.

pants around the ankles, heart
beat slowing from a near sprint
and the illusion of desire now
shattering and raining on the
***** carpet around. the choked
sunlight, what's left of it, collapses
among the shards of fantasy.

a tray of chocolate covered almonds
which was filled with eager hands,
intent on gorging, sits half eaten before
the dim light of the screen
those same eager hands choked the
innocence of the day, slowly,
and those same guilty hands now
hold the face of that lonely boy.

those left
to row the boat
with flag flown at half mast
cry,
"tragedy
tragedy"
humbling tragedies
lives lost in but a flash

it's machine-like
you know? maybe
even just a
machine this life thing

unconcerned, always
working churning out
unfavorable outcomes
for those scenarios

the one's out in the
darkness, faint and
disfigured, covered
in mist

the mist is artificial
too, it's all incredibly
artificial and the
truth is that I don't

really know what
to do next, knowing
it's all products
do I blindly consume?

or do I slowly starve
searching for the
antithesis of the
cold machine?

the apparatus of flesh,
unpredictable
undefined and
entirely unreasonable

must exist to give
weight to these things
measured out
in average hate

I will keep sailing the
tide and turmoil
until I hit the edge
of the world

or until I make the
water the final
resting place of
this bitter body

It doesn’t
Have to be
A negative thing

Just because
It doesn’t make
Sense (yet)

Right?

i still very much feel last night
it was eternity experienced
through complete aural bliss

the day held slight forbearance
amidst it's mists, in no way
could i anticipate such as this

killed, buried, resurrected and
reborn in the lights and pageantry
i saw the angels, i heard them sing

i shuddered, i shivered as i tried
to catch the wayward glance of
the true goddess of wavelengths

the true queen of song, of dreams,
of energy, of life, of experience,
the meaning of a supreme being

there is no other tune but the humming
of my being, elated for once, set to drift
beckoned to float about the world now

my mind will struggle to comprehend
the catharsis that ended when your light and the stage fell empty and dark

but i will never forget how truly alive
i felt in the presence of such incredible
wonder as i did that vibrating night

"a girl can dream"
you said
it's obscene
how badly I yearn
for you to be
separate from a screen

you're miles away,
miles and miles,
but you keep me up at night

dearest, this is more of nightmare
than a dream, I apologize

I'm spewing drunken stupor

but God ******,
you're not any less prettier

& I don't wish any less
to collapse those miles
upon the embrace
of us two when allowed

unfortunately, though,
the distance remains constant

and that distance
is constantly reminding
how much happier I could be
if you were here next to me

who knows what I mean
who knows what's you feel
but I'm telling you now
this yearning is real

there will be a chill in the
morning when I wake

in honor of you,
out in your winter state

you are art at work
in a wild world

I wait and wait
to experience you for real

I'm the type of guy

who pees sitting down
when I'm a guest of
somebody's house

because

i may be a
drunkard but
it's not hard
to care about decency

I don't want to ***
all over the seat,
it happens all the time
when I'm this far gone

so I shamelessly
get comfortable
and relief soon
enough sweeps

also:
I automatically leave
the seat down, you see

that makes me
some kind
of a
gentleman, right?

Bust your back
So you can bust a nut

I won't tell you what
you deserve
that is not my place
less even my business

but it's clear what
you desire
I feel those things
occupying your mind

I want to be the
comfort you seek
but you see, time
hasn't been kind

you have no part in
what transpired,
those pretty reasons
I'm bitterly inspired,

now that for once
I'm desired, why when
I've been denied
would I deny her?

waiting to be saved
from a loveless existence
rooted in foreign anger
with sickened persistence

aiming with the mindset
To fall short from the mark

blind fingers reaching
out in the wild dark

I reach for a a willing hand
tensed up in assistance

no man willing takes the
form of the damsel
but I am no man bred
of this world

I won't feel the will
from within, I'm doomed
to be doomed confined
in cold rooms

I wait for who's to be
the breathe of worth
that sweeps through

nana gave me cash
for gas--bless her heart--and still
i spent half on Pabst

i need
someone to
tell me
just how
drunk i am

to remind me of the cruelty
i exercise in conversation

to lay around in bed
all day
& count the
breaths of
one another

to

make sure i
stay somewhat human

and to

make sure i
know that i am
someone
to somebody

i need to be called an
******* when
i am acting like
nothing less

to be embraced
in the coldness
i exhibit

though i long so
to warm you

validation
idealistic
romanticized
pessimism

i need someone to
make me feel

i


want



you

the man you thought
you wanted is on the ground
and nearly dead

with thoughts of
empty promises still
racing through his head

his time was running
down in numbers to
a timely end

crawling over to the
gutter he'd sing the
name of long lost friends

the echo would rain
reality on the dreamland
he was in

set fire to the statue
of you he erected
in passionate sin

you asked me here
to let me bleed and
writhe upon the floor

I've since forgotten
all those petty things
I loved before

you implore me to
substitute the cold
air in the room

that now lies empty
of memory & it is
now set in with gloom

you need somewhere
to stow away your
sickness and grace

you want to feel like
the muse, flower
petals on your face

a work of art that must
be exposed in some
dangerous place

to juxtapose
all of those whom
love will not embrace

I know too well the
doom and gloom
conspiring with the moon

I feel fate now frowning
and the feeling
start to loom

& I'll never understand
the way you manage
to twist that knife

I'll bleed to death with
a sense of warmth deep
somewhere inside

I'll relieve that breath
of relief from the
torment in my mind

I'll be the awful thing
your soul needs
at this point in time

happiness is a lie
and its pursuit, a gross waste of time

there is nothing but strife
in life, a bending & breaking of will

or for some, resolve is strengthened
but it all leads to the same end

the only true freedom
the only true happiness is
the separation of oneself
from the damnation that
is mere mortality

pain is the constant

suffering is the center of
the universe, the thing
that keeps the cosmos together

it is our instinct to think
there is relief,
that there has to be and end
to grief, self-loathing, lacerations
and deep wounding

but we are subject to an impartial pain
in the end that's all we've ever had

our name and the thing that killed us
slowly, quickly or otherwise

at this pont there is only one
salvation, one true complete separation

maybe it
will be
the one
thing I
finally
can do
correctly

I know that when
it comes down to it

I'll find you in every town

in every bar
in every museum

you'll order a drink
I don't come by too often

and I will compare you to
those you can't compare to

and you will win

I'll hear ocean waves when you breathe

I'll smell lust
freedom
adventure

I'll see the sun set in your hair

and you is a number
the number of those that make
me feel like you do

the limitless number of
uniquely lovable individuals

the creatures of dreams

the things that make hearts flutter
minds crumble and scream

but keep the mouth smiling

and the mind will think
only of those you(s)

because every one of them is lovable

every single one is everything

every one is YOU, specifically

everything after this will all be
you

and there's never been anything more beautiful than YOU

oh when
oh when

will the stomach stop churning

when
will
vivid images of you burning
stop burning

it's almost funny
how these things work out

i would laugh
if i could

but i can't
so i won't

at the same time though
in rule of opposites i see you

beautiful in a sundress
for once happy to see me

although you're long dead
there's no crying or mourning

and even though you're long gone
i think i'll wake easy next morning

even though you should cease
to be happy and at peace

there is still some sick comfort
in knowing you're pleased

in hindsight i know
it could never be me

that could endure
the cruelty that harbors your near-empty center

sometime soon
perhaps

the moon's
light will clasp on your casket

and i'll be there
remembering

a second necessary death
far gone

the bitterness is debilitating
and normally i'd fix that
with my writing but it's
writing that is making me
more bitter about it all

it isn't easy being a fraud
desperate for a place
longing for a practice
a hobby or whatever else

i look upon approving audience
when i dream, when i dream
i am accepted as a poet
separate from paralyzing falsities

but when i write i'm just a number
a broad categorization of where
my "art" is aimed
i sound like so many others that
sound so much like myself

will i ever transcend my
limitations? will there ever be
depth to what i have to share?

i don't change lives i just change minds

when i write i'm just a number

If I can't be with you

Paper Mario will do

And I know that when you call
You won't have me at all in mind
And that's fine, that's fine

There are other more
Important things
To talk about this time

You did not ask
For me to exist
And trust me neither did I

So swallow your shallow
Obligation
To bring that fact to mind

miss Plath you make my heart ache
-or, Sylvia, if you prefer-

the world wasn't ready
you deserved to be heard

miss Plath I always see you now
whenever I close my eyes

I feel you in my tears, breathe
you out in disappointed sighs

miss Plath your troubled tender
step, is met in like with my own

descent to darkened corridors
we're both so far from home

sweetest sorrow, you still emanate
transcend and warp my days

in this time I feel it more than ever
in the most dire of ways

miss Plath I wish I could do more
than a mad man's rambling ode

but I sing it now: if life were fair
darling, you would not have died alone

you tell me that it's hard
and the news falls soft
on deafened ears &
a hardened heart
brimming with fears

I know you will be missing
something, you don't have
to utter a word, no sound
needs to be made
the silence resounds
our essence will stay

I won't tell you it's hard
rivers flow no second-
thought, clouds will
neutralize the day, rain
falls drop by drop,
the wolf hunts
and kills its prey

I'll smile on the garden
where you planted
plenty pretty flowers
the same tender
hands that tended
to me in our hours
the way we swayed
the way you towered
over me and myself
shaking beside me,
I will remember you

O kaptain

this ship is out of control
I've never felt
so sick at sea
and it's all so wonderful

the stars are swirling
waves are crashing
the tide is running high

the salty breeze
on wounded knees

and sickness
soon to subside

across the unforgiving sea
you are wherever I will roam

this ship is a feeling
a mansion, prison

& it's the closest thing to home

I've got chump change
in my bank account

and bad vibes brooding
in my brain

I'm somewhere in between
average and clinically insane

but when you look at
me like that I shiver and I shake

my heart my soul
my blood my bones are all
laid bare for you to break

smiles are misleading
screaming
and pleading

smiles are fleeting,
but this one's for you

Plastic bottles
Of cheap *****
Ceremoniously laid
On top the dirt

Faded red deterioration
Decorating human sin
The plastic as much
A human construct
As the forces driving those
To drink the poison within

Our kind is found among
The freshly fallen leaves,
Blanketing decomposition,
Suspended in between what
Is known of a detached life
Gracefully succumbing to nature

Our character is in the mulch,
It is in the metamorphosis

Our hopes and fears hidden
Within the actions that define us

Scattered about the ground
In the honor of days now drowned
In fermented angst

Plastic human sin
Cheap ceremony
These are the things
We choose to be

But we are so much more

Static still void slowly
Reveals through blurred
Lines and smeared paints

The figure of love or some-
Thing familiar enough. I sit
Suspended between two

Languages, indebted to
Different philosophies, and
At any given time I find

Teeth loosed from my mouth
As they are ripped out; sour
Taste of an omen ever

Present on my taste buds,
Ever scraping my knee
Caps as I fall to them

In some rapture, I bleed
My youth on dusk bathed
Blacktop of the school

Yard. I see towering womanly
Love, a monument to shake
Foundation, almost completely

Out of view, piercing overcast
Skies, yet not taking any
Clouds with it. I sit on ornate

Carpets of kebabs & half
Filled tea cups, stomach
Deep in some obscure

Fear of my desires. The dog
That loves me most of all
Is never allowed inside

The house. He sits valiantly
Outside, chained to a
Watermelon tree. Heavy

Heavy things all around me,
All things light and
Soft, even in sleep stasis

Feel ever as ever
Out of reach; beyond even
The scope of my dreams.

look at how we squander it

essence, pulse,
all perfect fits

the meanings, feelings

senses filled
we project *****

hatred and ill-will

what does that say
about a kind, that

sifts in its own ****

to calm its mind
while making a break

towards some horizon

but just imagine being
beyond, any need to

feel shallow belong

oneness,  one wholly
you whole thing

to bring whole one

feeling within, the
shallow makings

of humanity, in this

perpetual state
of apathy

the smell of coffee
makes me miss you
but for all I know
you're more of a tea drinker

you could hate
caffeine, even
but I'll be that new thing
in your bloodstream

it's only reciprocation,
dear
it's been no immense
amount of time

but I yearn
physical and
mentally

is it okay to miss you?
I have no idea

and the overcast weather
is calling me to your figure
I want to match the heat
with bodyonbody temperature

my eyes are brown
my eyes see brown
and it's more romantic
than it sounds

maybe only half as foolish

but all of me is missing
something,
something much more
incredible than anticipated

I burned my tongue
while looking out the window

I couldn't help but find irony
in the juxtaposition of hot
and terrible cold

I see a familiar gray figure

the notion of feeling like
your stomach is splitting in two
in the good way

but it's just my mind playing tricks on me

I wish so strongly
to find you out there in stormy weather

cold
shaking

so I could take you inside
dry you off
and hold you until
the shivering subsides

flashes of your smile
I'm growing less bitter
this familiar mile
is now littered with her

I don't know how
to kiss your lips
I need it now at a
moment like this

I need your beauty
beside me
I need to erase
my shame

a windchill a
sun beam
there saying
my name

nature is green
with envy of thee
the falling leaves
are of my own body

in tow of
the spirit that
has now
known yours

found hidden beaches
felt the snow storms

I'm willing to learn the
things you want me to

if that's now what it
takes to get
to you

I've since learned new
things, though my
pride still burns

it's with unfamiliar
brightness that
my heart now
yearns

yours is such a
pretty language
and i wish
i could speak it

but it's a matter
of circumstance

and that's just the way it is

again, i find,
once again i am
prodding at
my "wit"

to guide me though
i have no chance

and that's just the way it is

you smile, i wallow
you laugh
and i sigh
your aura never quits

mystified by just
one glance

and that's now how it is

i wish i knew
just what to do
with all this pent
up ****

but i pursue
hopeless romance

i want you, that's how it is

and to think
that right then

I could be waking up in
some strange woman's bed
confused
&
overflowing with self-loathing

the empty words
bouncing back and forth
or
the chill of the morning air
as I searched for the warmth that wasn't there

no kiss goodbye
no real regard

with the drive back to life
spent too much in my head

in some ways I envy those
who can act
without
feeling

But in more ways I'm grateful
I'm only capable
of real
human connection

There was a feeling that found me
in the midst of focus fading
a shimmering within the sun rays
caressing then worn-out skin

something of acceptance
similar to fulfillment
resembling a happiness &
transcending physicality

companionship in the lack of it
whole souls acknowledging
sorrows, the ebb and flow
of the highs and lows

there was for a moment a stillness
a lack of all movement that
cradled the imagery of  
static serenity before me

and as they inevitably faded
there was some comfort in knowing
a part of me forever resides
in the clasp of such experience

A loneliness sought me out again
drunken stupor with tongue of silk
coerced me willfully along
one very treacherous road

tender hand willingly reached
for one poor in spirit
the shackles of melancholy breached-
shattered- from the force of soft caress

in spite of the distance that loomed
there was closeness that bloomed
under the silver moonlight
audible in approving sighs

coalescence of energy, vibrant
colors spreading outward from
a heart and mind once so sure
that they'll only ever see grey

time within a memory
crystallized
and a spark to the kindling
within cold eyes

new warmth circulating
soon to create
a fire to cleanse
frostbitten exterior

but the forces of
nature will *****
out ambitious
flame impartially

and the feeling of fire
fades away with
the smoke, the memory
already one with the weather

&
Now what finds me is the storm

in the rain slouches
the silhouette
of a comfort so
soon now forgotten

the wind howls a name familiar
it carries with it the scent of a nightmare
sensation dances with the
the sting of near frozen air

I find a feeling not so foreign now
dragging me farther
out into
the wilderness

processing humbling
surroundings
i'm now left in
solitary wonder

where have I wandered?
how will I weather impending storm?

if I am long lost in unforgiving cold
will it then
be too late
when warmth finds me once more?

Well, of course it does, in a way

With your hands clasped in idleness,
Chained behind your back in surrender,
Your will evaporates
While you bask in hollow falsity

& without any will left to materialize
Itself into an immovable object,

What is left to hinder the onslaught
Of the unstoppable forces
We have to face every day?