depth deprived: Poems

depth deprived Mar 2018

Poetry is pain.
I only have words when
I can't take the strain.
In the day to day
when I can't complain,
then I feel nothing
and have nothing to say.
The same ten thoughts on a loop,
the same old shtick-
This is just as effective
as a doctor's anaesthetic,
for numbing the mind.
I dose up till I stop feeling sick.
As much as I hate it,
I'll keep playing the game,
running thoughts over and over
endless cycle in my brain.
I am useless when I'm fine,
tragically boring when I'm sane,
because I only have words
when I'm madly in pain.

#words #pain #numb

Apathy

depth deprived Mar 2018

Apathy

I'm kinda bad at making friends
but even worse at keeping them.
Hold everyone at a distance,
when they leave put up no resistance.
I know I will say goodbye soon,
to even those I'm closest to.
Compartmentalize, tell aimless lies,
never truly look into their eyes.
Loneliness is self inflicted.
The death of friendship isn't only predicted,
but anticipated and orchestrated.
Over and over this has been demonstrated.
Apathy feeds isolation,
causing me to turn from anyone
who turns even slightly away from me.
Now, isolation feeds apathy,
I move on so quickly from the friends I lose,
and so you see the cycle continues.

#apathy #friendship #isolation #lying #distance

Asleep

depth deprived Mar 2018

Asleep

Sleeping on the top bunk
I got really good at crying
without making a sound.
Strong and resolute,
is what I aspired and pretended to be.
I never learned to fight,
let alone to fight fair.
There is no room for contention
between myself and I,
or anyone for that matter.
Now I seem to be left defenseless,
but can't tell the difference
between safety, security
and when I need to be defended.
Everything is easy,
everything is lovely.
Sleep instead of thinking,
like my mother before.

#resolute #crying #hidden #emotions #stoneface #defenseless #manipulation

Behind Closed Eyes

depth deprived May 2018

Behind Closed Eyes

A baseball bat
To the ribs

Or a spinning blade
To the lips

Blink quickly
Push images to the side

Don't dwell on this thought
Your skull will divide

Three halves of a heart
Two wrongs make a right

Losing grip on reality
Like the string of a kite

#violence #revenge #images #fear #pain #thoughts

Bullshit

depth deprived May 2019

*******

I can say it means
A lot of different things
But when I first wrote it
It was generally *******

#poetry #meaningless #words

Calamity/Anticipation

depth deprived May 2018

Calamity/Anticipation

Please let me be there for you.
I want to know what you love,
What makes you think
Who you care about,
What brings you to the brink
Of disaster. Please tell me
Of calamities looming constantly,
Or just share a moment,
A secret, a well worn thought
That you haven't yet brought to reality.

I miss the vulnerability,
The pure, genuine realness
That comes with mixing tears
And unearthing fears.
I had high expectations
For the coming years, yet
it's so easy to alter memories,
and to distort feelings long faded.
Don't shut me out, please don't
Hurry to bring about the end,
Out of fear for feeling later
A more painful ending.
It's cowardice disguised
As righteous anger, but I guess
I can only recognize that in you
Because I'm feeling it too.

I was the one you shared everything with.
If you need to move on then move on,
but don't you dare erase that.

#friend #depression #support #ignored #forgiveness

Hours

depth deprived May 2019

Hours

I can't fall asleep
But I don't want to wake up,
So I'm sitting here thinking
Of how I'm out of luck.

I keep tracing the map
That I've drawn for myself
To keep track of my mind,
Which I keep on a shelf.

Hours have passed
But the clock hasn't changed
The longer I lay here
The more I feel deranged

#4am #uncertainty #love

Ice

depth deprived Mar 2018

Ice

******, bruised, on the point of breaking.
All at once I carved you out of my heart
With a razor of ice, now I can't stop shaking.

How do I bury my hatred and obsession?
I don't want to think or breathe or feel.
You will never hear another true confession.

Plastered on my lips is a well worn smile.
To ease the pain I force myself to forget,
and it starts to feel genuine for just a little while.

I'll ice the wound and pretend that I'm fine.
Deep underground in a golden box
Is where I have hidden what's left of my mind.

#breakup #cheating #broken #trust #pain

Is it worth it?

depth deprived Apr 2018

Is it worth it?

Playing with morality is exhausting yet thrilling
There's times I feel happy but mostly it's chilling.
Am I making my own decisions?
Or just landing in the same cliche prison
That so many others have been in before,
See I don't even know all the troubles in store.

mistakes? or just harmless fun?

#choices #morality #cliche #fear

Patience Poisoned

depth deprived Mar 2018

Patience Poisoned

Violent vain vicious vexing
Vent to me it's still so perplexing.
Listening in silence quickly gets draining.
When will you realize
You're not that entertaining.
And honestly I wouldn't even mind,
If you could only take the time
To do the same

#venting #listening #tired #lonely #but #not #alone

the first good night i've had in a while

depth deprived Mar 2018

the first good night i've had in a while

I'm sorry it was a ****** night for you
But you seem to have a lot of those
And there's nothing I can do

#breakup #recovering #pain

Untouchable

depth deprived Mar 2018

Untouchable

You don't get to have layers or dimension.
No tension, just breathe.

Dimension is something you must earn,
But soon you will learn to be untouchable.

There is no form of violence or agression acceptable.
You have to be respectable. Don't even move.

The would-be layers blend into one muddled grey.
Who you are is long washed away, untouchable.

Some sincerity you may sneak, but come right back
When you can't take the heat. Look ahead.

Do what it takes to hold yourself together.
It will forever be easier to be untouchable.

#safety #isolation #polite #stoneface

Warning Bell

depth deprived Mar 2018

Warning Bell

When something's seriously wrong,
I've no idea how to tell.
Something must be wrong with me,
I have no warning bell.
Liars, cheaters, chronic deceivers
seem trustworthy and kind.
I'll put my trust in anyone
who bothers to give me their time.
The benefit of the doubt
is a dangerous gift to give.
I see the fire, but still take the chance,
thinking "Either way, I'll live."
Pain seems easy enough to prevent,
signs alert me to imminent hell.
Yet often I turn my head and ignore,
because I hear no warning bell.

#warning #cheating #trust #lying #naive

Wasted

depth deprived Mar 2018

Wasted

Tell me that I'm useless
Validate my tears
Nothing else could help me see
Beyond these wasteful fears

#short #lonely #but #not #alone #useless #fear #drunk

— The End —