Is it so foul
That every morning I regret to see the sunrise?
Is it so foul
That every evening I hope it's the last sunset I see?
Is it so foul
That all I want to do is close my eyes?
Is it so foul
That I despise the life given to me?

Am I at fault
For the pain I have endured?
Am I at fault
For the environment that is mine?
Am I at fault
For the soul so pure that has been scarred?
Am I at fault
For my inability to control my mind?

Don't I deserve
To be done with all these tests?
Don't I deserve
What people refer to as happiness?
Don't I deserve
If not a smoother journey...
Don't I deserve
At least to be put to rest?

Maybe they can't understand
Maybe we speak different languages
And every time I smile
it looks like a grimace
And every time I laugh
it sounds like a scream

Maybe I've been saying all the wrong things
Maybe I've been speaking the wrong way
Like I should be smiling
with tears in my eyes
Like I should show anger
by laughing hysterically

Maybe I should be walking flat-footed
And they should be swimming in the sky
Maybe I should breathe their air
And they should breathe mine

So then maybe... Just maybe... They'll come close to understand.

The voices in my dreams call me out to play.
They say that it's fun.
I wish I could stay.
They say they miss me and they want me to stay, but every morning I wake up.
I wish I didn't.
I wish I could sleep on, enjoying the voices' company...
But they don't understand.
They think I have a choice. They think I want to leave, but I don't. I have no control. I wish I could sleep forever; never wake up...
.
.
.
But my wrists won't let me touch them and my balcony's not high enough.

I used to be a princess
Robed in the finest silk
I didn't have a favourite colour
Because I could have any robe I wanted
I had a tiara
So heavy with jewels
That I would put it down when I went to play

I used to play
Out in the fields
With all the other children
I would be dressed in playful garb
So no-one would know I was a princess
We would run around all day till we were called back inside
And then I would bathe
And put on my dress and tiara

I do not wear dresses any more
My tiara broke years ago
The other children all moved away
I dare say they're not children any more

I don't know what happened
All I know is then and now
And then and now are different
Then and now are like day and night
Then and now
With no in between
That was then
*And this is now

I pick it up. The blank page awaits.
I touch the sharp tip. It's sharp enough.
And I start to write.

I write about the things I know.
I write true events.
I write the thoughts at the very front of my mind...

But soon,
I start to write things I don't know
I start to write words I have neither heard nor spoken
I start to write thoughts that have never revealed themselves to me

My eyes only see the graphite on the paper
My hand only moves in ways otherwise controlled
My mind whispers to the pencil
And the pencil listens

Only when the mind and the pencil communicate
Do I find
That the wisest words are those that happen to be
My own

He craved her skin. She desired his breath.
On her
He dreamed of her eyes. She thought of his hands.
On her
Cascading. Tracing. Feeling.
Her
She longed for his smile. He thought of her voice.
Her laugh
She dreamed of his love. He wanted her touch.
Her skin
They waited for the day they would see each other.
Feel each other.
Hold each other.

And still they wait.

Your strong waves crashed down my walls
Your existence in my life was healthy and crucial
But you trickled through my fingers
And now you're just a drop in the ocean

Maybe we could start over,* you say
Maybe we could try again, you say
Let’s see what that may entail
Let’s see if we’re bound to fail
Let’s pretend that all’s been well,
And now you know to handle Hell
Let’s pretend it’s been the same for me,
And life has taught me lessons free
So in this case we’re all grown up
And we won’t make the same **** up
Maybe this time you’ll take me seriously
Maybe this time I’ll keep my wits with me
We’ll be reasonable and fair
And we’ll give each other air
We’ll compromise and organize
So none of us feels objectified

Maybe we could start over, I say
Maybe we could try again, I say
But what if we haven’t let go?
And all we want is what we know?
What if the only reason I want this
Is because I’m fond of your kiss?
What if you don’t really miss me?
What if you’re only lonely?
Maybe there aren’t any feelings left,
Just memories from before I left
And we get into this, a second round
Then destroy it again, way more profound

What if I really love you, and you made a mistake,
And now fear and pain are what keep me away?
What if the guilt of that day in some twisted way,
Is what’s making me say I want to try again?

My vision is blurry
My senses are heightened
I can see only one thing clearly

you

My mind is racing
My hormones are raging
My body is craving

*you

Are you smart?
Yes
You don't act like it*

They don't understand.
You know exactly what you're saying, and all you need is for them to understand.
But they refuse to understand.
Refuse to open their minds to the world you speak of.
It's scary, you know. They know.
But they don't understand.
That your choice to venture out and into the risk, the life is a bold choice.
Not a stupid one, like they think.
Your choice to make a life unlike any they have ever experienced.
It is not impulse. Rebellion. Stupidity. Youth.
Maybe it is youth.
But youth as a blessing.
Youth; not childishness.
Youth as a strength. A weapon. A catapult.
To launch you into the life you know to be yours.
They will never understand.
And that is no fault.
You understand.
And that's what counts.
So use your youth as a catapult and your soul as wings to fly.
Out into the world you know.
The life bestowed upon you.