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Deeee Dec 2020
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Very
Intense

Nothing
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Addicted
Deeee May 2016
Addicted
As you throw me against the wall and risk giving me a concussion
all I can think is how much I love you
As you kick me and spit in my face
all I can feel is the ache in my heart
As you slap me repeatedly and pull at my hair
I don’t need to hold back, because I know I won’t fight back

As you hold me in your arms
all I can see is the love you have for me
As you look at me with rounded loving eyes
I close my own and forget all the pain you put me through
As you brush away the hair over my eyes
all I feel is your warm fingers on my cheek

Why do I do this?
Why do I love you this much?
Why do I pretend that you never really mean to hurt me?
How do I convince myself that you do these things out of love?
How do I manage to ignore every single blow that lands on my body?
The stabs in my chest?
When will I find my voice?
When will I see that I don’t deserve this kind of pain?
When will I let go of this addiction I have to you?!

But I know.
I know why, how and when.
Because I need you. Because I can’t be without you…
…and I will never let go.
#love #addiction #pain #abuse
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Addictive
Deeee Jan 2017
Addictive
There's something about you
My body responds to your smile
My soul responds to your touch

There's something about you
I can feel your energy
I can see your mind

There's something about you
*You're addictive
#boy
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After.
Deeee May 2020
After.
I remember when I could breathe
When the air was sweet
And my lungs were free
When my arms were spread
And my feet were bare

When I wasn't choking.
...coughing.
...dying.
Continue reading...
Artist/Writers' block
Deeee Jul 2016
Artist/Writers' block
My hand hovers over the paper.
I twist and flip the pencil in my hand.
My mind swims in images and words.
Colours and thoughts.

*but the paper remains blank
It's just frustrating to have a block, especially when you want so badly to put something on the paper! ):
#drawing #art #writing
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Brainless Drone
Deeee Jun 2017
Brainless Drone
Sometimes I wish I was a brainless drone

To not be laboured by heavy thoughts
To not be concerned by outer affairs
To do only what I've been programmed to do
Feel only what I've been programmed to feel*
To live my life with a blank stare
With no smiles, with no tears*
So that everything wasn't so painful
Even if it'd mean I'd feel never joyful

I'd wake up every morning, blink three times
Wash my face, brush three times
Every breakfast, have three bites
Have a cup of coffee, as I begin to sell my soul
To the wheels that would control me, that chain my soul


Sometimes I wish I was a brainless drone
To not get so tired
To not feel so alone
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Closer. Harder.
Deeee May 2016
Closer. Harder.
His fingers on my skin. Tracing lightly above my veins.
His breath on my skin. Warming up my body.
His eyes on my skin. Gazing longingly.
my skin
Bound above my head, my arms crave his body.
Closer. Harder.
He plays with me. He taunts me.
His tie over my eyes. Only his tie over my eyes.
I can smell him
I want him.
Closer. Harder
I feel his lips all over me. I can hardly move.
He's enjoying me.
I think I'm enjoying him too.
I feel the warmth of his body hover over mine.
His scent overwhelms me.
Closer. Harder
I am in a different place.
I am in a perfect place.
I am.
This was fully experimental. I hope it's enjoyable.
#*** #teasing
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DADDY
Deeee Sep 2016
DADDY
You were my shining star
Before you lost the spark; before you went so dark
You were my everything
But now you're a memory, empty
Just like a parody
Except that it's not funny
I don't bruise easily; but that's only physically
You hit me so hard I felt the scars down deep emotionally
I really just couldn't believe that you would do this to me

How could you do this to me??

I was your daughter
I AM your daughter
Doesn't that matter?
Shouldn't that matter?
I was your baby girl
You were my whole **** world
How could you turn so cold?
How could you leave me alone?
#loss #daddy
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Dark Soulmate
Deeee Jan 2017
Dark Soulmate
I...

I missed you.

Oh, I missed you so much!

My dark, beautiful, seductive soulmate.

The love of my life
The one who I can always call mine
My alluring, divine, forever love
I feel you deep inside
Where I know you reside
The very feel of your presence
The sheer taste of your essence

You drive me crazy
...
And I love it

Oh, God I love it

You have been with me
Longer than I can possibly remember
In the back of my mind
In the center of my chest
Flowing through my veins
Filling me up

My Love
My dear
My beautiful
Pain.
#love #pain #soulmate
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Daylight
Deeee Jan 2020
Daylight
When the day meets the night, there is hope
There is light after dark
There is purpose after rest
There is life after death

When my heart met yours, there was hope
There was light after dark
There was purpose after loss
There was life after death

When the day meets the night, there is love
There is bliss after despair
There is home after forage
There is peace after war

When my heart met yours, there was love
There was bliss after despair
There was home after solitude
There was future after past

When I fell in love with you
There was everything
I'm in love
#love
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Death, my friend
Deeee May 2016
Death, my friend
I have a friend, his name is Death
We like to play, though we never hold hands
We like to sing and run in the fields,
and sometimes he touches a bird.
Sometimes he touches a cow
Sometimes he touches a man
Sometimes he touches a mother

I have friend, his name is Death
We tell each other secrets
We know each other’s feelings
He doesn’t like what he was born to do, he says
And I long to give him a hug as he weeps
But I cannot touch him, you see
Not because death would take me
But because Death would take me

I am not afraid of Death
Or the Afterlife I've glimpsed in my mind
I am not afraid of Death
Or the sound sleep he often describes
I am not afraid of Death

No

I am afraid for Death
I have seen the pain as he took another
I have seen the regret as he touched a mother
I have heard his cry that he would rather
That he would never

I am afraid for Death
Because he must live with himself
Because he must live by himself
Because he must give all that he wants

And I would never that he was forced to give it to me
#death #sympathy
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Depression
Deeee Mar 2018
Depression
Things are great.
Everything's great.
Except me.
#minimalist #depression #feelings
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Dying To Live
Deeee Jul 2016
Dying To Live
My eyes open.
It's another day.

inhale

Drag myself out of bed.
Splash water on my face.
Stare into the mirror.

breathe

Walk.
Sit.
Eat.

blink

Phone rings.
Talk.
Work.
Text.

don't forget to breathe

My eyes close.
It's another night.

please no nightmares tonight
please.
#depression #life #darkdays
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energy
Deeee Jan 2017
energy
The room is cloudy
His breath is heavy
His hands are strong
so strong

My skin takes in every electric pulse from his fingers
His lips line my jaw, his breath in my ear
Shock waves riding right along my every nerve

Just. Right. *There.
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Free
Deeee Mar 2018
Free
The last time I felt like this must have been when I was a little girl.
When I felt special. When I felt loved. When I felt precious.

Before everything.

I remember grass being so green it was glowing yellow, and water being so majestically clear you could see a rainbow within it.
I remember laughing so beautifully, I felt like a song.
I remember dancing so freely, I felt like I could fly.

I remember so many things, otherwise blurred by the scars of the aftermath...
The one I could never heal from...
The one...

The one I can see in my rear view mirror
And
For
Once
*I feel free
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Friend
Deeee May 2016
Friend
You stretched out your hand
for me as i drowned.
You were there as i planned
my escape from this world.
I jumped into quicksand
but you did pull me out.
And now as I stand,
why not help me out?

I told you my sorrows
you helped me through
I knew that tomorrow
I'd still have you
I sang like the sparrows
as you brightened my view.
You were my life's arrow
you told me the truth.

So now I'm alive
most thanks to you
I feel happy inside
because of your truth
I hold you in with pride,
for the things you did do
But it seems that yo lied;
you told me no truth.

I look at you now
and see the change
I ask myself how
things can be this way
The day you vowed,
you said that you'd stay
But you've left me to drown
all over again
#betrayal
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Grinnie: #1
Deeee May 2016
Grinnie: #1
It’s these times when you sneer at me and I grin right back at you… These times when you want to strangle me to death and you end up laughing like the happiest person in the world… It’s these times that I cherish. It’s these times I feel I was blessed to have met you. When you throw a stone at me and miss intentionally. When you’re chasing me and only catch me because I’m laughing too hard to run. I’m happy when you’re happy. I could never bear the thought of smiling if you’re in tears… But sometimes I’m sad when you’re happy, and devastated when you’re sad. Because it’s these times when I’m feeling blessed to have you… Then it hits me that I don’t have you.
No matter the good times we have, or how much you bring my happiness forth… I’m still the scone you have with your soup, or the salad on your plate of fries. But I don’t want to be selfish, so I don’t think about it. I focus on the joy you give me, and the change you bring out of me. When the time comes, we will part ways. But for now…
I’ll pull that smile onto your face and release as much joy as I can from your heart. Making you happy makes me happy, so until the end of the road….
Keep Smiling.
#love #loss #giving
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Grinnie: #2
Deeee May 2016
Grinnie: #2
I’m seated…in an armchair…in an empty room…facing a glass wall. I don’t know if you can see me, but I can see you. Seated calmly on your own armchair…sometimes you like to look around…sometimes you close your eyes. I stand up and walk toward the wall…may as well be a one-sided reflector…and I gently place my hand on the glass. I see you get up to do the same. The look in your eyes is distant…you don’t seem to see me…but your hand is directly opposite mine. Only the glass is stopping our fingers from interlocking. Only the glass is keeping us apart. Only the glass…
The glass which I put up. The glass which I strategically placed between us. I drop my hand and begin to pace around the room. Throwing a glance at you, I see that your palms…now both…are pressed against the glass…but your eyes… so empty…so distant! And it’s all my fault. I drop myself onto the ground behind my armchair. I dig my fingers into my hair. I squeeze my eyes shut. I think. All my questions are whys. My answers make me hate myself. I would be completely fine had I been the only one yearning for you. Had I been the only one aching to know how you are. The only one craving you. Had you been completely oblivious to the reasons of my departure and the fact that it was a conscious move on my part. Had you thought it was just one of those drifting things… "Happens all the time!” But you know. You know why, and you don’t understand. Because hearts don’t understand. I would know.
So what do I do? I can’t bring myself to break the glass, but I can’t bear seeing you like this. I can’t harbor the thought of the possibility of you actually feeling this way because of me. I’m bound by the past…held back by previous happenings…I am in the ******* of past heartbreaks and prominent fears. I do wish I could break the glass, I really do…
That’s why you weren’t supposed to know.
Your temporary friend, Grinnie
#story #series
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Grinnie: #3
Deeee Jul 2016
Grinnie: #3
I see you.... Seated on the grass... So beautiful. So serene. So perfect. Your back is to me, and you are silhouetted by the setting sun. You are so beautiful. I remain where I stand... I don't want you to see me... To know I'm there. I don't want to disturb you... I already did my damage. I only did it for you. So that you would know happiness. You would have never known that with me.... You deserve much better. You're a queen. And I... I remain a peasant. A petty thief of the night. A scrappy child from the lower class.
I just had on a very, very nice mask.
I'm sorry.
Maybe you deserved to know... But I am selfish... I am weak... I am proud... I know you would never have understood had I tried to tell you... But I look at you now and I don't regret. You're so beautiful.
More beautiful without me.

Signed, your lost friend.
Grinnie.
#love #loss #giving
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Grinnie: Prelude
Deeee May 2016
Grinnie: Prelude
My heart is beating… beating against broken glass…glass held in place by barbed wire. Thump…thump…It’s poking…like the thorn crown on Jesus’ head. At least Jesus’ head wasn’t beating. I begin to bleed…the glass piercing my heart. But it beats on…bleeding…beating…I wish it would stop. I wish the pain would go away. But the only way it would is if my heart stopped beating. And I cannot be graced with such mercy as the mercy of death. So it beats and bleeds…each day anew.
#story #series
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Happily Ever After
Deeee May 2017
Happily Ever After
There was a time,
long ago,
whence a girl lived.
She had a smile like roses,
eyes like music,
and a heart like the sun.

She lived in a place,
long ago,
where roses were burned for incense
where music was named noise
where the sun was always too bright, or too hot

Always too much

But then came a man,
not long ago,
with eyes like sunlight,
ears bearing sight,
and a heart like the universe.

He saw her smile, and it grew twice its size
He heard her soul and saw her life
And in his universe does she rest, the perfect light
*Happily Ever After
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Happy
Deeee May 2016
Happy
I'm seated in the shade, earphones on. No One Does it Better by You Me At Six is playing. The wind is blowing through my light sweater, gently grazing my cheeks. It's a sunny day; the light reflecting off several shades of green from the grass, bushes and trees. There's no noise, rather I can't hear any above the beautiful playlist. My mind begins to relax; it's been a while since I felt this way.
Since I felt such tranquility.
The past three months have been different from the prior eighteen years. Life has changed. I have changed. Almost nothing about me now is the same as it was only five months ago. Yet I'm still exactly the same person. It's funny, this thing called life. I lean back and enjoy the scenery, both around me and within me.
They're strikingly similar.
The sun is shining, but I don't feel the heat. I only see the beauty it brings.
Yes.
It's a beautiful day. I am happy.
Not excited. Not giddy. Not the kind of happy I always thought I wanted. Explosive, over-the-top.... No. I am happy. Seated on this wooden chair, now with The Script's Glowing in my ears, with the wind still dancing around with the hem of my cardigan....
I am happy.
#happiness
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Have you ever?
Deeee May 2016
Have you ever?
Have you ever felt like you can't breathe?
Like your chest is suffocating, or your ribs turned into plastic bags, holding it all in.

And have you ever felt like you're breaking?
Like every fibre of you is coming apart, every bone in your body is shattering and you're becoming a mass of blood and muck.

Have you ever had so much noise in your head that you don't know what's going on any more? That all you've ever known is going away and there's nothing taking its place...
Not noise because you've got too much on your mind; noise because there's nothing there at all.

And then, after all that, have you ever known silence?
Absolute silence surrounding you, taking you over till you can't even hear your own heart beat. Maybe because it's not there any more...
Absolute nothingness and you don't know what to do.
Complete quiet
Complete loneliness
Complete hollowness

*Have you ever?
#pain #confusion #numbness
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HAVE YOU EVER? (II)
Deeee Mar 2018
HAVE YOU EVER? (II)
Have you ever?
Rolled in a field of the softest grass?
Lain in a basket of petals?
Been surrounded gently by feathers like clouds?

Have you ever?
Looked into the bottomless soul of innocence?
Heard the dancing of the winds like angelic music?
Smelled the musk of a sunny early morning?

Have you ever?
Looked into the future and seen boundless energy and love?
Felt the present with purpose and contentment?
*Said goodbye to your past?
#series
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He
Deeee Mar 2017
He
He was everything that made my heart beat
#npmmicro
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Home
Deeee Feb 2023
Home
I've been to many places
I've been around many people
I've been many people

I worry that I may lose sight one day
Maybe I already have
Maybe I am nobody
Maybe I am nowhere

Some places still feel like home
Some things still feel like home
Some people still feel like home

That must mean that I still know what home feels like
What it smells like
What it looks like
Who it looks like

I still know where home is
Continue reading...
Hostage
Deeee Jan 2018
Hostage
I don't want to be here.
Yet I am

No chains on my wrists
No shackles on my ankles
Yet I am here
Where I don't want to be

There's no gun to my head
No knife to my throat
Nobody watching me,
Holding me captive

So why am I here?
**When I don't want to be?
#society #prison #life
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Hurts
Deeee Jun 2017
Hurts
It still hurts
When I lie awake in my bed at night
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
It still hurts
When I'm walking down the street
Watching my feet hit the ground in rhythm
It still hurts
When I stare at myself in the mirror
Early morning when I'm brushing my teeth
It still hurts

It'll always hurt
but I'm used to it
#hurt
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I cry
Deeee Jul 2016
I cry
I cry
But not as you do
My tears are not saline
And they do not fall from my eyes

I cry
And with the tears fall years and years of pain and torture
With the tears fall decades of gloom and darkness
With the tears fall chains and ropes and blindfolds

I cry*.
But not as you do
My tears are crimson in shade
And they fall from my wrists.
#cutting #depression #tears
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I dance
Deeee Sep 2019
I dance
I dance.

My toes dig into the soft mud
My dress is drenched from the rain

I dance.
My arms are outstretched
Cutting through the air as I spin

I dance.
I smile at the moon
My heart is full
I'm in love with this moment

I dance.
#love
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I don't think you understand
Deeee Feb 2017
I don't think you understand
No, I don't think you understand
When I say I want you
I don't think you understand
When I say you're my favourite

The way your skin feels on mine
with your fingers holding tighter
Like you're positively struggling to not eat me alive
Like you're breathing the most intoxicating air

I don't think you understand
When I tell you to tell me secrets
I don't think you understand
When you show me that little piece of your hidden side

The way I melt cell by cell
The way I beam like headlights on a deer
like the sun of my universe has lit up
Because I've never had a flavour like you

I've never tasted anything like your lips
I've never heard anything like your voice
I've never been hit so hard, like a match on its box
I've never been lit on fire like this

No...
I don't think you understand
When I say *I want you
Continue reading...
I dream of Love
Deeee Sep 2016
I dream of Love
I dream of a time
When I'll have found this love of mine
He'll hold me close like his little princess
And he'll respect me like his Queen
We'll laugh and cry together
And we'll be all the other needs

I dream of a time
When I'll have found this love of mine
Maybe it'll even be a "she"
And we'll pick each other's clothes out
Deal with each other's mood swings
Because we both know what they're about

I dream of a time
When I'll have found this love of mine
And all will work out
For their love I'll need not compete
When my other half is found
When I'm finally complete
#love #fantasy
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If you died
Deeee May 2016
If you died
If you died I’d miss the funeral
I’d simply keep away from it all
I’d deny the truth
and pretend I still had you

If you died I’d wait till midnight
Then I’d go to your grave and cry
I’d lean on your headstone
and pretend I was leaning on you

If you died I’d cry very often
But no one would see my eyes wet
I’d visit your grave with a book and pen
and I’d write with no intention of an end

If you died I’d want to follow you
But we both know I never could
So instead I’d blame myself for it
as the cause of all your suffering

If you died I’d wipe my eyes
And pretend I never ever cried
Then I’d put on my big plastic grin
*and survive with the pain within
#death
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I know you don't
Deeee Jun 2016
I know you don't
He would say "I love you"
I knew he did
I knew I was his world
I knew he wanted to hold me
To keep me safe

So I said "I love you too"
He was my king
My tiger, my teddybear
He was my pillar

But he said "I know you don't"

I was confused
You know I don't?
Don't love you?
I was confused
I was offended
I was angry

You know I don't?
After everything...
You know I don't?
After all this time
You know I don't?
After all we had said and done for each other
After all the plans we had shared
After all the hurdles we'd jumped
After all the nights together and all the nights alone
After everything
You know I don't?

I didn't think that having your love rejected
Is just as bad as being actually rejected
It was a knee to the gut
A palm across my face
I was giving you my heart
and you were dropping it

"I love you"
"I know you don't"

I knew you loved me
I could see it
I could feel it

*Why couldn't you see it too?
Based on a true story
#love #doubt #rejection
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I love...d you
Deeee May 2016
I love...d you
It started with the fingertips of our hands. They touched. They melded. Next were our wrists. Fingers intertwined, shock waves coursing. Then came our lips. And our hips. Fire burning, sparks flying. Scorching each part of us. And we loved it. Soul to soul, skin on skin.
Sentiments breathed.
Feelings shared.
Words meant.
We became completely merged. Inseparable. Just us, to take on the world together.
A team. A pairing. A union.

And then came the fingertips of our hands. Peeling off. Slowly, nondescript. Next were our wrists. Dropping everything we held close.
Dropping the spark.
Dropping the flame.
Then our faces moved far enough apart that we could see. And we saw. I hadn’t wanted to see. I had wanted to close my eyes and touch you again. To pick up our flame and run.
With you by my side I could have.
But I had seen. And I knew. And you knew. So we parted. As slowly as we had merged.
*As painfully as well.
#love #passion #pain #lostlove
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I love You
Deeee May 2016
I love You
Words.
Used and abused.
Spoken and misunderstood.
I love you
He says to her
She says to him
He says to him
She says to her
I love you
Do You?
Words.
I love you
The most beautiful lie ever told
The most common deception ever believed
I love you

*but for how long?
#love #lies
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Imagine
Deeee Apr 2022
Imagine
If all you'd known
Your whole life
Was dark clouds
Icy rain
And violent wind

If all you'd seen
Your whole life
Was grey skies
Dull days
And cold nights

And then
Like magic

A crack appears in the sky
A light seeps through the clouds
A warmth touches my skin
softly, like a blanket
slowly, like an ember
surely, like it was meant for me

Like the sun burns in the initials of my name
Like the heatwaves sing songs of my name
Like the power of it all courses through my veins
Like the purpose of its creation was all in my name

And then
Imagine

hearing thunder again.
#thunder
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I miss you
Deeee Apr 2022
I miss you
I miss you

So much that sometimes it burns.
Sometimes it feels like the void of you will **** me someday.
On the days I am graced with silence, it's still too loud.

It's so

*******

loud

I wish I could call out to you...
Like some signal.
Reach you...
Like a sonar

I wish I could be with you.
I wish I could stop thinking about you.

No

I just wish...

...I could love you.
Continue reading...
I Miss You
Deeee Mar 2017
I Miss You
I miss the way you used to look at me
I miss the way you would smile
I miss the dimple on your cheek
Peeking at me when you licked your lips

I miss the inner jokes
I miss the snarky comments
I miss the look on your face
When I'd call you Daddy

I miss your hands
on my inner thighs
I miss the way you would talk to me
like you actually wanted to
I miss the music we used to share
it made me feel like you cared


But the truth is,
I don't miss you
I miss all the things we used to do.
#poetry
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invIsible
Deeee Jun 2016
invIsible
Can you hear me as I scream your name? Can you hear me as I scream at the top of my lungs for you to come home and wrap your arms around me? Do you feel me calling out that I need you here with me?

You don't.

Because you're only in my dreams. You're million miles away and you don't even know that I exist. You've saved my life a thousand times. You fill my dreams every night. You're all I think about and all I talk about. You're all I've ever wanted...
And you don't know my name.
I want to be the one you run to when you're cut too deep. The one you think about when it hurts too much. The one who holds you when the tears come rushing out. I want to save your life just once; as you've done for me a thousand times.
Continue reading...
I still don't think you understand
Deeee Mar 2021
I still don't think you understand
I don't think you understand
The way I fell in love with you
The way you became my whole world
The way you were the sun that lit up my days

I don't think you understand
The way I still feel your warmth
The way I still move to you like a tide to the moon
The way I still find comfort in your light

I don't think you understand
When I said forever
I meant it
When I said unconditionally
I mean it
When I loved you
I meant it

No, I don't think you understand
That you'll always be in my heart
Continue reading...
I tried
Deeee Mar 2023
I tried
I tried to write today.

Instead I cried.

To be more honest, I clasped my hands together so tight that I could've broken my knuckles. I squeezed my eyelids together till I could almost feel my eyeballs pop into my brain.
No tears came.

I tried.

I really tried.

But all I got was deep dry heaving and bruised knees because I suddenly lost all the strength in them.
I choked on nothing.
I opened my mouth wide, but my voice box remained sealed.

Nothing. Came.
Continue reading...
It's cold outside
Deeee May 2016
It's cold outside
It's been raining
You press your hand against the window pane
It's cold
The lightning strikes
The thunder rolls
It's cold
So you go back to bed and dream of sunshine
Continue reading...
I want
Deeee Apr 2017
I want
I want my hands on your body
my fingers on your skin
I want my lips on your earlobe
I'll whisper anything you like

*I want you
#lust
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I Wonder
Deeee Sep 2021
I Wonder
What does it feel like?
To breathe
To feel crisp air, flow through your body
To feel your lungs, expand with life

What does it feel like?
To see
To open your eyes, and feel the burn of light
To stare at a beautiful sight
To awe at the colours swimming in your vision
To blink, and to miss a moment

What does if feel like?
To live
To feel the cold on your fingertips
To feel the tingle in your toes
To feel the rush of blood to your face
To feel the racing of your own heart

What does it feel like?
To love?

I wonder
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Just a little raw egg
Deeee Jul 2016
Just a little raw egg
I was an egg.
Tough exterior, and complicated but soft on the inside.
My chalaza
You held me together.
Kept my soul in place.
I was albumen, yolk, air space, membranes...
You were my chalaza

and then you weren't

You ripped yourself from me, broke my membranes right from the inside.
My yolk crashed with nothing to hold
My air followed you out
I was left to suffocate in pieces of myself, damaged in a way I could never repair
Experimenting with science and poetry...
#loss #lostlove #damage
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Kintsugi
Deeee Apr 2017
Kintsugi
I was broken.

Shattered remains of what I used to be.
Random misaligned pieces, sprawled all over the floor, crushed more by whomever would walk over them.

And then you came.
And you saw.
Each piece you knew was a part of something greater.
"Something beautiful," you said.

You helped me pick up the pieces, ignoring the cuts on your hands.
You kept me safe, so noone else would hurt me.
You found a broken girl, but you saw *Kintsugi.
#broken #kintsugi
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Leave of absence
Deeee Sep 2016
Leave of absence
My heart has taken a leave of absence.
meaningless ***
empty conversations
cold days
This is who I have become,
because my heart has taken a leave of absence.
She told me when she was leaving,
that all she wanted was a break from the breaking.
She told me in a whisper,
that she was losing herself.
She wrote to me,
on a tear-stained sheet,
all the things that would happen if she stayed.

But she didn't tell me
Who I would become
*Without my heart
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Lessons learned
Deeee Jul 2016
Lessons learned
I don't know
If I hate myself
For not having learned sooner
Or
If I hate him
For making me have to learn
In the first place
#betrayal #lessons
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Let Me In
Deeee Aug 2017
Let Me In
I arrive.
I knock on the door. It's jammed.
You're inside.
I wait outside as you try to open it, but your key's broken.
"It'll take a while," you say.
It's a beautiful day, so I wait outside. We talk through the wood, and you open a window so we can talk easier.
A cold wind starts to blow.
"It's cold," I say.
You pass me a jacket from inside, and I wear it. It's not so cold any more, and I'm alright. We keep talking, and you're figuring out a way to open the door.
I feel a drop on my nose. Oh my. Rain.
I ask if I can help. I can't. You take my bag through the window. I won't fit.
Maybe we can break the lock? Maybe we can break the door? Maybe a back door? No, none of those. Another drop on my cheek. Oh my. Rain.

The truth is, if you wanted to let me in you would. You'd figure it out and I'd be inside, warm, with you.
The truth is, it's raining. And I don't think I should be risking penumonia.
The truth is, you have my bag, and everything in it.
The truth is, if you don't let me in, I'll be forced to leave.

*And the truth is, I don't want to.
#vulnerable #patience #cold
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