with blood racing to my head
my heart pounding through my chest
galvanized by the elusive feeling of first love
lingering with the shadows
of impending doom
I mumbled the words
that resonates with every ounce of my being
so deeply that all the other words
I've ever said
seemed like a lie
as though these words were my salvation
and all I wish to be

"I love you"

red was the blood, like blossoms in July
orange tinted lips, the ones that told me good bye
yellow was the stairwell, the last place you went
green was your text, the last text you sent
blue were your tears, shimmering like gold
purple was your face as your body lay cold
white were the lilies, for which you were named
white were the lilies, the ones I lay on your grave.

let me play you the symphony of grief
with the rhythm of breaths you will never take
and a chorus of your final words
telling me that you love me

let me play you the symphony of grief
your melodic union with gravity,
in harmony with my desperate pleas
begging Him to let me follow you

let me play you the symphony of grief
as they pulled me from your embrace
to the beat of my breaking soul
that our promise could not be kept

let me play you the symphony of grief
hear the echoes of our laughter
matching the tune of the sirens
come to collect your lifeless body

let me play you the symphony of grief
drowned in this deafening silence
made of all the feelings left unguessed
and filled with words still unconfessed

I woke up this morning,
and found tears rolling down my cheek.
Like the rain on a sunny day
I wondered why they fell.
Were they of joy at seeing you once more
or sorrow that you will be gone again tomorrow.

Is it your absence or your presence
that causes me such heartache

I want to be forgiven;
I don't even know for what
and I don't really care
by who
I just want to be
forgiven

when you said those words to me
you weren't even sober
yet I was the bigger fool
to have taken your words as gospel,
replaying them like they were my favourite song;
as though they were the holy words that would set me free

how fitting of a pair:
the coward and the fool
one hiding behind the smoke
while the other loves an illusion

caught in the turning gyre of your intoxicated words
but you only loved the high-
and I only reminded you of it

you called me selfish
for leaving the one who had
already abandoned me
but I will not apologize
for leaving someone who was never there

you just hate me for hurting you
the same way you hurt me

i knew i was in the wrong
to love a man who has eyes
for someone else

but i lied to myself
when he whispered
sweet nothings in my ear
and made myself believe
that i wasn't
the other girl

i told myself
he loved me more
that she probably didn't
love him anyways,
not as much as i did

but i knew i was the reason
for her tears
when she loved him
too much to leave
even though
there was another girl

i only wanted him to be happy
and i thought
i could love him enough for the
both of us

but i knew that
his happiness was not with me
because i was only
the other girl

you say it was never love
now that it is gone
must you call it something else
simply because it is no longer there?

always at the edge
of taking flight;
not knowing you would fall-
or simply not believing it
my lovely Icarus,
taking to the sky
tell me you'll return
indulge me one more lie

dying for someone
cannot be a testament of love
if leaving someone
can be called love
then we are but sadists suffering
from delusions of grandeur
if you loved me enough to leave me
then perhaps you never loved at all

to my therapist:
if i could believe
everything that i understand
or know to be true
i would not be sitting in front of you

dear clouds
you seem lonely
amid  the divine embrace
so together we stand
in neither Heaven nor Earth

but in solitude

in the pinnacle of my dreams
it seemed I could love you enough
for the both of us

the words felt foreign on my tongue
before they melted me
into oblivion;
poisoning my soul
of all things desired
but never known

the fog is rising in my mind
as I reach for the girl of clouds
galvanized by the nausea of the elliptical swerve
toward sanity and away again

teasing fate as I danced between the worlds
of the living and the dead;
climbing the steps to the Heavens
to feel a celestial glow so honey
I could almost taste it

I held on to the clouds,
triumphant with the whole world in my hands
but she slipped through my fingers

leaving me with only wisps of regret
and wonder: if I should have left the promises unbroken;
if I could love the girl who was never meant to stay
if I could live the life I tried to throw away