Wow, it's really been a while.

Trying to explain how depression actually feels to a person who doesn't know is very difficult.
We sometimes say "It's like drowning, except you can see everyone around you breathing"
or we try to describe how you just feel empty. But how do you explain the feeling of being empty? dark, cold, scary?
sometimes you can't even explain it. sometimes it doesn't feel like anything. Sometimes you're just alive and you dont know why

You are the one that taught me to become heartless, then you got upset because that means I became heartless when it came to you too.
e.g

I have put up a wall.
One that kept getting taller and taller after each lie.
I closed off my heart and convinced myself that not having feelings for anyone would keep me from getting hurt again.
After being manipulated for so long, you start to manipulate yourself.
You turned me into you.
You made me believe that every person I meet will let me down and break my heart.
You made me believe that I wasn’t enough for the next one.
You made me believe that without you I was nothing.
But without you I found everything.

Because I kept coming back you thought it was okay to keep hurting me. You couldn't just let me leave-- that was too simple
You wanted me to feel something; pain.
You wanted me not having you to hurt.
You got off on my pain. You got off on the power you had over me. The power to rule me.
You knew that even when I got upset that I would come right back and that's why you didn't fight for me. Or fight to love me back.
You didn't love me. You never did. But you told me those three words to make me stay, to ******* back, to make me want you more.

I have struggled to be the person I want to be.
I have spent my days making others happy, in doing so I only hurt myself. I have given my all to a man who wasn't man enough to appreciate me. I had so much hope in him that I lost hope in myself.
God, isn't it crazy how you believe in someone more than you believe in yourself? Isn't it crazy how you think that its you against the world?
This isn't about him anymore. It's about me. This is about me. THIS IS FOR ME.
I will make myself happy
I will give my all to myself because that is what I deserve.
I will have hope in myself
I will believe in myself.
This is for me, and without him I'll make it.

Sometimes you meet people and they aren’t meant to be your forever.
Although it’d be great if it could be that way, wouldn’t it?
You bond with them over the little things like pizza toppings, music and sports teams. The short conversations when you see them “out on the night” turn into hours of laughter and before you know it you’re waking up next to them the next morning—Then mornings that follow
You begin to get used to the fact that they’re now apart of your every day routine.
Suddenly, when the phone calls stop, the text messages stop, the dinner dates, and the sleepovers; all of the things you did together come to an end that is when you realize forever isn’t within them.
But God, isn’t forever kind of cliché?
How is someone going to love me forever?
I’m sure they’d get tired of my obnoxious laugh and how I find things that aren’t usually found funny by others, funny to me.
Or how I have to sleep with a fan on and the T.V. off. How I constantly have to be reassured because everyone before them tore me down repeatedly.
How can you find forever in me?
Forever. Forever in a girl who isn’t sure about where she wants to go or who she wants to be? Forever in a girl who isn’t sure forever is real at all.

I don't want my heart to learn to love the rollercoaster boys.
The ones that take us on a ride but forget to tell us how many times we will go upside down, twist and turn, and sometimes fall out.
But those are the ones we fall for because they make us feel alive

I guess I try to find the good in everyone.
But more particularly, in you.
I had this picture in my head of what it could have been, just like everyone envisions their life with the person they love.

I guess at first I wasn't sure what this was going to be, or where "this" was going to go. But I sat down for the ride, and buckled up. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but for you I'd risk the crash and fall.

It started with the look in your eyes. Every time you would look at me, I thought for sure I could see the love in your eyes. And then it was the touch. Every time your skin touched mine, I thought for sure I could feel the love through your finger tips. All of a sudden it was the words. The three little words that are so small but are worth so much; i love you.
God, I love you. It came to that? I didn't know if I was ready for everything that came with "I love you" But hell, I'm in for the ride, right? I mean I sat down and buckled up so hell, I'm in for the entire ride. It took me awhile to say it back, but I knew that I loved you too-- Maybe I loved you too much already, maybe too soon.

I could feel myself growing with you. I felt myself growing because of you. I felt like life was starting to make sense, but I guess I let my feelings get ahead of me because last night I felt nothing but sadness.

Last night I felt like everything we made, everything we found, was doomed. Hell, it is doomed. We are nothing anymore. You must have found yourself in her, and I guess that's okay.
You cant force someone to love you back- right?
I guess I'm in this alone.

God life is seriously so freaking beautiful.
WE HAVE IT SO GOOD EVEN WHEN WE THINK WE DONT
I woke up this morning
God let me live yet another day.
He let me wake up to a blue sky, and green trees.
He let me wake up to people who love me.
He let me wake up to see my family for yet another day.
Life is so short, and you're sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. you're sitting around hating yourself, harming yourself, hating others, being cruel to others--- GOD LET YOU LIVE ANOTHER DAY AND YOU WANT TO MAKE THAT DAY A NEGATIVE DAY?
I spent too many days hating myself, hurting myself, and crying myself to sleep, BUT no more of that.
I love myself
I am alive
I am healthy
I have people who love me
I don't constantly feel alone or feel like I'm not good enough anymore, and it's all because of him. He blesses me more and more each and every day.

Today
I found myself waiting
For your call
I found myself looking for your name
On my screen the first time I woke up
I thought maybe you'd leave another voice mail
We know I sleep through most calls
Today
I didn't get the call
I didn't see your name
There was no voice mail

Today
Was the first birthday that you were gone
I didn't get to hear you ask
"do you know how much i love you?"
Today I cry,
I cry because I miss the only person who could've ever loved me more than God himself.

Do you see me when you close your eyes?
Do you see me when you kiss her good night?
I see you;
I see you when day turns to night.
I see you when the sun shines bright.
Do you see me when you touch her hair?
What about when she asks you what she should wear?
I long for the day I don't see you anymore.
When I can drive down back roads and sing "our song" without looking at the passenger seat and see you.
E.G

It's getting bad again
The voices went away for a while, but they're back again
They tell me I'm not good enough, & that  I'll never be loved
It's getting bad again, and I've had just about enough

Growing up I didn't plan on being the girl who cried herself to sleep, hated waking up in the morning, or even hated herself.
I didn't want to be this girl.

But look who I am.
I am the girl who does whatever she can to make everyone else happy but herself.
and still I go unnoticed.
  e.g

Open Letter to My Parents; who didn’t believe in me,
I am so thankful for all that you do for me. You truly do everything you can to provide a home and food for me, that of which I am very grateful for. You raised me and bought me plenty of materialistic things, which I am also very very grateful for.
What I am not thankful for is the way you make me feel emotionally and even mentally. Just one time I would like to hear that you’re proud of me without having to ask; “Mom are you proud?” “Did you see that Dad?! Wasn’t it good?” Just one time I would like to come home from school and get asked how school was instead of being yelled at the second I walk in the door. Just one time I want to feel loved. I just want to know that my own parents actually care. Just one time I want you to ask me about my grades, about sports, about the music I listen to. Ask me anything.
But I also want to thank you. Thank you for teaching me that I only need myself to succeed, because you were never there for me, not a single time. I learned that I only needed to make myself happy, and that is exactly what I’m doing. I do not need you anymore, and that’s pretty sad, but you pushed me away. Congrats!
So to the parents who didn’t believe in me, who didn’t hear me crying myself to sleep, who didn’t notice all the weight I lost, who didn’t come support me at my sporting events, or show up to parent teacher conferences, thank you. Thank you for making a 17 year old hate life so much that all she wants is for it to end, all because you didn’t support and believe in her. Thank you.

It all seemed so surreal.
As I kissed your lifeless body and gasped for air I didn't know what to think.
I can't remember our last conversation.
I can't remember the last time we hugged or said I love you.
But now all I can think of is kissing the forehead of your cold, pale, lifeless body and wishing that I could say goodbye.
God gained a beautiful angel, but I lost mine.

To the next girl
To the next girl, I hope you fall in love with his blue eyes and big smile.
I hope you notice everything about him. Notice how his eyes glow when he’s smiling. Cherish his smile, because you don’t see it as often as you should.
I hope you listen to his problems but don’t try to fix them because he insists on doing that himself.
I hope you learn that to him, trust is everything. All it takes is one time, one mistake  and it will go away.
I hope you are okay with the fact that one minute he will play a country song and sing his heart out then the next he’ll have on rap and just bob his head occasionally saying the lyrics.
I hope you meet his mom and she loves you. I hope she brags about you to him, about how lucky he is.
But don’t let that fool you, he isn’t the lucky one. You are
I hope you make him happy, because I failed to do so.
I hope you’re okay with his bad habits, because he won’t change for anyone.
I hope you’re okay with hanging out with his friends, because his friends are his brothers and they mean the world to him.
I hope you know that even if he doesn’t tell you he cares, he does.
I hope you know that he’s broken even though he seems so strong. He needs you to build him back up.
I hope you play with his little sister. She doesn’t talk much but if you pick her up and spin her around I guarantee she will scream “Again! Again!”
I hope you introduce him to your family, let him come over, let him meet your dad, your mom, brothers and sisters.
To the next girl
I hope he loves you back.

9/12/15*
What he didn’t know
What he didn’t know was that she knew she wasn’t enough. She knew that right now he’s begging her to be his, but in 6 months he’d be begging her to leave him alone. What he didn’t know was that she knew she wasn’t enough.
What he didn’t know was that she knew he could make her happy, but she couldn’t make him happy.  He didn’t believe her when she told him so. He insisted that she was overthinking it and that everything would work out just fine. What he didn’t know was that she knew he could make her happy, but she couldn’t make him happy.
What he didn’t know was that her life was a lot more complicated than what it seemed. She made her life out to be something it wasn’t. No one knew about her childhood. No one knew about her depression. No one knew how many times she wanted to die, but didn’t have the guts to make it happen. What he didn’t know was that her life was a lot more complicated than what it seemed.
What he didn’t know was that she was incapable of being loved. Every guy that has come along has tried and left. She knew she was a lot to handle. She tried to make it easier, but insecurities could have killed her. What he didn’t know was that she was incapable of being loved.
What he didn’t know was that she loved him. He couldn’t tell by the constant phone calls, constant text messages, tweets, and snapchats. He couldn’t tell by how she always wanted to be with him. He couldn’t tell by her always wanting to touch him, to be held by him, to be kissed by him. He couldn’t tell by her smile. What he didn’t know was that she loved him.
She thought he was different. She thought that they were different.
What she didn’t know was he was the same, and so was she.
What he didn’t know was he couldn’t handle her, and she told him so.

All I want is to be enough.
I want to be skinny enough, tall enough, pretty enough.
All I want is to be enough.
I want to look in the mirror and not hate everything I see.
I want to wake up in the morning and not wish that I was still sleeping.
Because when you sleep, you escape reality.
And in reality I am not enough.

All I want is to be enough.

I couldn't stand to sleep next to someone.
Something about the way each breath wasn't in sync or hearing a heart beat that was too fast/too slow really bothered me.
That all changed.
The night we stayed up and laughed and talked.
The night I truly realized , that it was I who was in love. And I was in love with you.
Sleeping next to you seemed like it was meant to be.
Waking up next to you was even better.
Now I sit at home struggling to fall asleep to the sound of my own breath, my own heartbeat.
I struggle with not having you by my side anymore.

Fix me
I need you to fix me.  
I need you here.
I need you here to hold me tight
I need you to tell me to fight
Fix me
Tell me what I need to hear
Tell me everything you've always wanted to say
Tell me that everything will be okay
Tell me that it's okay to cry
Fix me
Hold my hand
Wipe away my tears
Make me laugh
Make me believe I'm all you've ever wanted.
Fix me.

You were perfect.
I thought anyways.
I thought I knew that you were the one.
Until you tore me down emotionally and mentally every day, then blamed me for it.
I thought I knew who you were.
I thought I knew and I was wrong.

It's been a week but it feels like months
No texts
No calls
I can't hear his voice in my head anymore.
I can't feel his kiss on my lips.
I can't even imagine his smile
Why can't I see him in my head anymore?
What happened to me?
It's been a week but if feels like months.

What am I supposed to do
when everything reminds me of you

August 30. 15
I fell in love with the way you looked at me.
I fell in love with the way you kissed me.
I fell in love with the way you touched me, the way you talked to me, the way you cared for me. I fell in love with my best friend