I'm glad that you're happy
but sad that I'm not
I just can't stop thinking
about how we fought

For months we've gone
without talking at all
but this time I'm afraid
it'll be years or longer.

At least we won't be somber
because together we're a storm
not a beautiful one either
we're a hurricane
destroying everything
that's in our path,
because we can

We're not good together.
But I can never remember
for whatever reason
I will always want you back.

did you ever see his face
as he took your innocence away
did you ever look into evil's eyes
did you play the devil's games
did you try to **** yourself
when it was all over
because the blood wouldn't wash from your thighs
did you scream into your pillow at night
so no one heard your cries
did you watch your world go up in fire that retracted your soul in smoke
did you mask the pain with the blade of change just so you could cope
did you feel like you just might not make it
did you wonder how much longer you could take it
did you wonder how people could say that you faked it
did you ever wonder why you

did it happen to you?

She looked up into the sky and smiled. "I don't want to die" She finally knew what had spoken to her, inside  her head, in her dreams, the thing that pushed her along her path. It wasn't the light in Michael. Because The ark angel wasn't her creator...he was a distant part of who she was but, he had been so far removed she didn't know him. She said it again. "I don't want to die"  And she felt the air around her ripple with heart ace, with human pain. if she could have spared her creator this pain I hoped she would have. 'But I do, I am dyeing, because my life is filled with 'its just one name they call me its nothing' but my life if I let this go will all turn into 'its nothings' I will be nothing, and I don't want to live to see the end of this journey...I don't want to see a part of me die in the end because you will, its how it would have always turned out Nanoen, it ends with your death...and mine.' The pain that her creator felt reverberated threw Nanoen's  bones....The one who had written out her life, the one who had made her into what she was ,wanted to die. in her heart Nanoen knew that she was made up of the broken peace's of her creators heart, the hidden scars and all that her creator hoped to be. "Then take my strength, I am a part of you, and you have made me for a propos.....you are my mother, my creator...if no one reads the story you have written no one will ever know me..and I might as well be dead...You wrote me up in a book for a resin..to help the kids who need a light....do not end your life...pleas do not end mine I am a character in a book ...but pleas listen to your heart because it is what is saying this...do not end your life, because you'll take me with you, the world you created.....and you will take away someone's resin to live...." I paused, this person I had made up was a part of me...and a part of me did not want to die....but was that part bigger than the on that did...

sometimes I wish I could turn back time
to those better days
when I didn't dream of death and want to slip away
I find myself thinking about you
what do you think it would be like
to look in the mirror and hate who you see
to think about your flaws not what I see
some days are better and then some are not
you think your worthless but I think your worth it
you wont hear me because your music's blaring
you draw a picture and write down the names
of every kid or person who made you feel that way
now I guess I must agree when I see you cry I feel a bit of sympathy
I wish I could turn back time
to some better day
when you would pull your ear buds out and listen to what I had to say
your hearts of gold
your mind of silver
made up of beautiful things
don't let words give you a sliver
**your not worthless now stop caring about what they think
your not worthless now stop caring about what they think

Where you are
I am
Where its far
Distant, I need your best friendship.
I'm heavy on your demand,
There by your side
As your bride
Who
Will do
All.

some days will be darker than others
said the angel to his fallen brothers
don't be sad because your Abigail's black sheep
your hearts did follow the sound of a different drum beet
you see kids these days are filled with broken dreams and hearts of hate
they cut up their wrists as they try to cry away the pain
some people don't see that their words could ****
they don't see the ones who cry standing on the window sill
kids barley fifteen years old some younger writing their last note
screaming out how much they hate the world
tears falling because of a stupid ****** girl
your kids their afraid to walk down the hall
because they know no one cares about them at all
you see you need to open your eyes
think about your words before more kids die

I am sitting here in my room
Closing my eyes
I see all of you
Out there somewhere
Suffering and torturing
Not any faults of yours
Still getting what you don’t deserve
This is the way of life
Even if we say to fight it all
Sometimes it is beyond our control
We are limited by our thoughts
Breaking free is just not meant to be
I say to you with all my heart
I weep for you in the silence of the dark
Be strong and steady
Let your tears just out to be
Make it the elixir and heal
The time will come when all will be gone
A dawn will eventually come
Even if not in this life
May be in the life beyond
Don’t let go of the hope
Remember that I am here
Weeping for those who cannot weep…

Santa does not visit psych wards. No matter how many times I frequent the hospital around the holidays, St. Nick is nowhere to be found, albeit some nights Jesus Christ's screams fill the halls throughout the night, this baritone of madness slowly becoming a gentle hum that helps me drift off. The chorus in my head sings along to this hymn of psychotic fervor.

PROSE FOR ALL PEOPLE
CONSIDERING SUICIDE.

The last month has been torture.
I've tossed and turned at night.
I've been begging God just to take
me Home... then MAD at Him for not
answering my plea.
My body is wracked in pain.
My life is a dead-end.
My dreams are shattered.
But now I know why He did not...

This morning my 90 year old
father was choking. He hardly made a
sound as the breath left his body. I don't
know how (God?) but I KNEW something
was terribly wrong. I went over to see
what had me so disquieted in his regard.
He was gesturing to me frantically...

This had happened before. We both knew
the drill. As I put my arms around him
from behind and began the upward jerks
of the Heimlich maneuver, his arm got
caught in the mechanism of his power-
chair. We began to do a sort of a gruesome
dance... his body struggling not to die...
mine to bring it life...

I screamed at my mom, who was in
her room, "Call 911!!! Dad's choking again!"

I applied pressure to his solar plexus,
just under his ribcage by lifting him firmly.
With each motion saying a calm prayer... "Not today, God. Not today. He's going to LIVE. Today... in Jesus' Name. AMEN."

Then my father spit up the eggs which
had been lodged in his windpipe. His
breathing was ragged. But became regular.
No ambulance would be needed today.

As I looked at the wizened little old man
in the power-chair I realized something.
I had not saved HIS life as much as
HE had saved

MINE.

I may not be much or have much.
But I have him
and my family to help out.

I may never realize my dreams. But God
will always give me another day to try
to live them... a precious Gift...

LIFE.

SO WHO AM I TO THROW THAT GIFT
BACK IN HIS FACE?

So think about it. Perhaps later today
you may see a child run out in front
of a car... and pull him back. Maybe
you'll find a frozen starving kitten...
you'll smile and put a dollar in the hand
of a homeless person who was ready
to give up til your act of kindness made
him reconsider...

Who knows?

The life you save....


SoulSurvivor
(C) 12/17/2015