I understand "mad"
Obstinate amongst navel oranges
Coasting with the  waves

the sky above walgreens looks like water color
i hear "it's never..." outside my street screamed
the past four nights have been a blur of panic as the yuletide approaches

I look on this gradient sky,
in a city i lost three years ago

but i'm still here.

when your lips purse in your deep sleep
every inches twitch
i'm there
you make love love again
you make feel feel again
i wish i could buy you the world because I know you'd buy me one first
the sparkles, the shine, the glitter, the radiance
trees and train tracks
teeth and crooked smiles
with comfort food on our breath
seconded handed clothes
a Goodwill vinyl
early morning with limbs like old tires wrapped
if i could be Jimmy Stewart. I would.

in my imaginary past
he held me
with sharp elbows and bare knuckles

i am so comfortable

how will i survive
knowing you are in heaven
waiting for me to make a mistake

Please don't **** her
it's written backwards on my hand, my six year old wrists and my eyes that have been stung by spray paint i turned into a angsty manifesto
panting like a dog
begging you to stay
begging

you were a walking nightmare
i need to evict you from my dreams

every mall, every antique store, every show, every high school reunion, every time I was dripping in glitter and perfume

leave my hometown and gravy heart alone...
the way you would get so angry when I couldn't be perfect.

i am constantly trying to throw away costumes of myself when people float away
when they vanish
on the 9th when you are the seventh
satin blue
with the bow
it's just brick and sawdust now.

I lost my soul.
Somewhere between Atlantic City and Wildwood, NJ.
The salt still lingers in my hair, eyelashes, and tears.
The moons changing cycle as we eat candy on the beach and chase our childhood memories away
Creating tiny drawers to stash away keepsakes and overdue dreams
You pet me like a long lost lover with a fragile hand
Brushing out my knots and curls before we continue to share our sparkle

I dream with excess
As my body outside of my dreams writhes to be awake
Fog
Depression
But would I rather live in dreamland?
Where Everything is a weird flashback?
Seeing faces I tried to forgot.
Another skeleton laying on and kissing me at 8:30 am.
Fur coat lost as I saw one tree finally let go of her “mess”

Is it mania or love?
Is it fear or hope?
Living in the past isn’t a weakness
As muscles form in places you had no idea could exist
Reaching
Flexing
And Holding
The minor turns to major
As delicate touch transforms into a strong embrace

My fingers feel like the fireflies I never saw this summer
The fog in my brain is stronger than Gotham City’s

But a comic book reference is so lame.

I can feel you already wanting to loosely pull my hair as you whisper cheat codes into my hair.

I will always wake up and arrive.

96 is too long
5 words created stale mosquito water that resides somewhere between an alley and an abandoned Pharmacy
Wanting a taste of ashes
Like pigeons pecking at a pastry

I know it’s been a long time because the shine from your skin is making me blind but elated

It’s 6:21 and the entire city looks like it’s underwater
Covered in my favorite shade of blue

It’s nice to return to my happy fields where I can think through dances and dance through thoughts

Rainbows turned to grey for a while

Grey is now the color you see right before you fall asleep

Bending swideways and lollipop lips are anchors

Fairy lights aren’t enough anymore

I wear oversized sweatshirts
They feel more comfortable than your tiny tank tops.

My jaw feels likes it’s wired shut when I speak about you.

You have ignited embers in my soul
The ones I thought would never catch flame again.

Pixels streaming like shooting stars
Artificial openings that are so disingenuous when I’ve seen the way your smile makes all light bulbs burst in jealousy from the light you radiate
“Just be yourself.”
The most honest advice to give.
No malice.
The hardest advice to take.
“Do they even know me?”
The calm sometimes doesn’t come after the storm.
Sometimes it sits and waits.
Slowly curling around toes
Casually slithering up to your belly
Nausea
Prancing up to your heart
Anxiety
Pridefully slinking to your throat
Tongue-tied as it swells like an angry ocean
And finally making rest in your cerebellum
I asked
Where it spreads out, limbs long, and smirking
This poison you willingly drink that is masked by sugar and ego
Let the glass engorged with the evil elixir that alerts you of your short comings shatter on the tile floor
Remove the blinking screen from your face that is slowly becoming a Shakespearean tragedy
Disconnect
Connect to eye contact that isn’t shielded by WiFi

Red beads wrapped around my lady legs

Red potato skins still crawling through Southern dregs

Red lipstick, too expensive for sad my two lips live

Red lights, stop signs. Oh how much I would give

To see you smile

And stay a while

Let's pretend we don't exist

Red burns from falling down

In those sweet eyes, I feel no lies

Take me, embrace me

Red, red, red

I get flashes of our first meeting

like airplanes you mistake for twinkling stars

covered in paint our glazed pupils locked

wooden steps that swayed like the curve of my back

your mouth halfway inside me at 6 am on a spring morning

or was it winter?

stumbling back into my arms in a place we call 'sanctuary'

And that's always it.

Why can I only look you dead in the eyes when they're crossing?

We could stopped the universe, because we do every time we kissed.  

Like we can't stop sipping

Hangovers like ropes around my head

What's going to happen when we wake up?

When the dust clears?

Why are we still torturing each other through rye flavored teeth?

Relief is paradox and a vicious cycle

Red beads wrapped around my lady legs

Red potato skins still crawling through Southern gravel

Red lipstick, too expensive for how too petty my two lips live

Read you to absolute filth when my mom asked who had wronged me recently and rang up your name like an unremembered child

Rooms full of furniture will still echo if you rage loud enough

when did your eyes turn from blue to grey?
what a beautiful grey
a cold grey
a wet October grey
an "I forgot my umbrella" grey
a "Should we stay home?" grey
a day consumed with nostalgic sadness grey
a familiar reminder of rejection grey
a hopeless new romance grey

as grey as the ash from your cigarettes
as grey as that woolen hat that I'd wear while I waited wondering when you'd wander home
as grey as my best shirt you stripped off of me on a grey night

i fell in love with a mixture of black, blue, and muddy pearl
it sparkled against me when the sky clouded up
and we kissed until our vision blurred

I don't remember how vivid colors were before you.

there will be an answer
we've walked too long
sweating
lost lashes and sore limbs

whisper to me
what's the code?
who do I need to know?

wake up
treble highs
teal pool water

barely recognizing home
scents and sense off kilter

just play me a lullaby
i'll find some solace in that.

wrapped around each other closer than sheets to a bed
fuzz. eyelashes. teeth. soft skin.
you completely disarm me.
i will give you all my guns
just grab my limbs.
envelop me.
the way your legs get tangled in my anatomy like a sapling
that's eager to grow larger.
pelvic bones crashing together so perfectly clumsy.
you are my ocean. my beach. my sun, sky, and stars.

we sounded so much more beautiful last year
now we just sound like two animals
going at it

i've shut down
like a factory building typewriters or VCRs
you left a rotten tingling in my mouth
pepper-flavored rubbing alcohol
slap me like you check yourself out in the mirror
maybe that will set my brain back into motion
sparks and blue soda
i gave you too many chances to ruin my life
bald spots on my head
lungs black because you made me start smoking again
turn around
the back of your head is the only part that doesn't make me cry anymore
and yet it still does
build me up like legos and take me apart piece by piece
we had brooklyn and bagels and trains and hangovers and sheets
religious conversion was avoided
i just realized how unhappy i was with you
all of you
all of what you gave me
which was nothing
taker.
taker.

Give him his space
He doesn't like the attention
Even though that's how he pays his rent

He built an arena
Only lovers can fight.

I thought my armor was strong enough.

He lit that sword on fire and threw it to someone beneath him
As his eyes dilated from pleasure, watching me tear apart flesh in his honor.
In his name sake.

I arose.
******. Exhausted.
He clapped.
That's all.

I threw off the prize and laughed.
He is not my king anymore now.

soft lips wide hips small **** big heart short hair long love and patience

explore your nostalgia

only stretching and cooing once 11 am has rolled through like the rolling in bed we did the night before when the moonlight was stabbing through the blinds and reflected on my pear-white skin

your eyelashes make me smile when i think about them

walking alone in the middle of the day when i get restless and i need to just go

escape the lonely, overly warm air in the four walls i inhabit

why do I sweat and shake so much?
As I bite into apple skin

a familiar voice glossed with golden tone
completed with dollar store sparkles

we spent weeks building wooden block pieces in the image of our love

or i thought

i was that L-word that I can barely articulate anymore without laughing because it's all just a beautiful, stupid joke

we spin webs

naked in your resting place as I curl around like an ******* tentacle

you kiss me there
my legs embrace your shoulders
and that's when our eyes meet
a night of squirming finally consummated
by one morning of quick glance of brown and blue

"oh god" rolls off your trained vocal chords as you roll like a wave on the shore.'

we've lost ourselves in these moments of pure passion.
I want all of you all the time
Sweating,
Dizzy.
Completely disoriented.

Can we just spin together until we fall?

Summer:
He kissed me
Flashes of my past favorite things charmed those blue eyes
God
I still remember everything about us
Fresh fish on the grill
The first time you held my hand
We curled around each other's bodies like tentacles
We wanted every inch
Sweat
Harmonium on inside humor
You found me and I followed
The ring bells
Terms of endearment changed so drastically
He held her so gently that I melted like butter
Like what you would cook and we sweated until we kissed
An entire day downstairs and an entire night upstairs
No wonder I got so dizzy.
Finding ourselves becoming one.
Sharing clothes and teeth marks and hearts.
We were happy.
Once.

Fall:
The leaves changed.
So did we.
I over stayed my welcome.
Being swept out like the garbage below you.
Swish.
Swish.
Swish.
The inches between us in your bed
Complete with "Nightmare Before Christmas" print
Grew larger and larger
The unfamiliar faces began becoming your new candy
Apparently I wasn't dark, or sweet enough for anymore.

Winter:
On my knees
I never knew how terrible tears tasted
Begging you please
Slap Slap
I fell down a flight of stairs
You came with me, but only to use it for malice
Why?
How?
I never should've cared.
True love doesn't exist here.
Only long walks through the jungle
Giraffes walking around.
Long limbs. Long eyelashes. Long tongues.
That's the only freedom that exists.

Spring:
Where did these feet come from?
Suddenly I can walk by myself again.
Shaky.
My hands and back tremble from the weight of the world.
Atlas has not helped.
Surrounded by the ghosts of my past, and present.

Keep this for the motto girls:
"No one can have me like I got me."

fleeing what I thought I was born to do
in a place I thought I was born to be in

credit card declined
but $1500 cash in my wallet

He gives me spending money as we ride down a chrome lift
Squares.
Wide eyes.
Genuine smiles.
Personal anecdotes.
We take care of each other.

Glowing charisma draws me into this black hole of self-loathing
Why?

I change my terminology in order not to bruise egos
the sensitivity of the soul
the tears ducts
the corners of the mouth
the shoulders tensing
I see it all.

I see words
I feel actions
Merge.
Please.
Merge.

My eyes are so swollen from flowers
We surf the stars
Curves together and sincere glances
Held together by skin
Carved in marble and slashed in cardboard
Breaking wood and cerebral intuition
I can ******* own mouth and I feel you
Fangs out and fists bared
Partners in crime for only moments
And say "Shoot muthafucka"
I'm the only one with the loaded gun.

i always thought that i didn't need money to have fun
i was foolish once.
higher cheekbones.
higher knowledge.

double penetrated with nostalgia and female empowerment.

Flaxen hair. Green eyes. The most familiar smile I've seen in forever.
I cry when she cries because we were born the same in different lands.

A South Philly Jordan Baker.
The tea is hot.

My inner serpent wants to crawl around your body
Your eyes rolling back into your cerebellum.

Scratchy face
Making my neck and cheeks sparkle and tingle

I want your teeth next to mine.

"I'm not much of a drinker"
My teeth break as I lie through them.

****.
I've known you since I set myself on fire and awakened from the ashes.

Yet I am putting you through the same routine that set me ablaze.

You ignited my soul with perfect hands and eyes and mouth
Overwhelming my senses with light public affection
And deep private care.

Why do I refuse to let myself be loved?

I'm elastic and loose like a worn bracelet.
Yet you make me turn to porcelain because I've never seen anyone with a smile like your's.

I get aroused and frightened by people that look like they were molded by the Gods.

****.
Your smile might just give me an overdose.

"I feel like I'm on drugs when I'm with you."

Crack from your energy.
****** from your ****.
Ecstacy from your lips.
Xanax from your voice.
**** from the lilt of your conversation.
And a cigarette for your nerve.

I'm completely high when I'm around you.
Your hands around my face
Pulling me closer to your lips
Completely transfixed by your energy that exudes pure fame and love.

Where did I find someone as perfect as you?
Yet I reject you because we both know all the damage we'll do
to the psyches that are our mind's houses

You're going to put a hole through it.
But I don't mind.
I never told you how much I enjoy pain.
And I really ******* enjoy you.

"Let's get together and feel alright."
For now.
Why anticipate the future?

Day 51. I didn't check your facebook so I ate Ben & Jerry's to celebrate.
Day 52. I caved and checked your facebook but you've been only adding dudes.
Day 53. I went to our neighborhood bar and a regular said he thought you were gay and I laughed and was like "yaaaassss"
Day 54. There's a certain song that makes me think of you and I'm so mad at myself because its a good song but I can't listen to it without gettig teary because I miss your touch.
Day 55. I had false hope and I saw my replacement's bike out ya house
Dat 56: I bought a ten dollar pack of cigarettes and you came down to the bar and we both couldn't make eye contact because it hurt so bad to look at each other and be attached.
Day 57. I drank myself into nothing.
Day 58. I tried to figure out what I should do about my entire life but I just watched Parks and Reck all day.
Day 59. I broke a glass on purpose because I felt out of control and just wanted my boyfriend back.
Day 60. I never left my bed.
Day 61. I hadn't showered in days and only left my bed once for delivery.
Dat 62. I needed to quote my favorite B.E.E "I know longer know who I am, and feel like the ghost of a total stranger."

Lagavulin and Diet Coke.
I wish I had something to smoke.

Blue eyes and crooked teeth.
My eyes light up when I'm mad.
Even more when you call me bad
girl. She's become such a loner.
And stopped being a stoner.

Isolated in a tiny home.
Still feels like she's not grown.

Broken bed.
I don't want to live but I don't want to be dead.

all at once

He degraded me, badgered me, and would never me kiss him good-night

Blood.
Water.
Oil.

One of us has to rise to the top.
Unless your only fantasy is in the forest.

That forest is now a development for condos.

Day 31. I promised myself I'd stop drinking, but my alcoholism has gotten worse.
Day 32. I was happy that you haven't added any women on facebook.
Day 33. My hands shook all day.
Day 34. You blocked my number.
Day 35. I lost myself in a man I didn't care about.
Day 36. I was so wasted.
Day 37. I had no choice to walk past your house.
Day 38. My cat made me think of you.
Day 39. I thought about stopping going to my neighborhood bar because I didn't want to see you anymore.
Day 40. I excessively brush my teeth.
Day 41. I fell in love with my home town.
Day 42. I depend on my sugar daddy.
Day 43. I started living in my roommate's bed.
Day 44. I still miss you so badly.
Day 45. I grabbed a Lil Kim record from my new guy's roommate.
Day 46. I put on so much make-up that I didn't recognize myself.
Day 47. I heard an inside joke we shared, and you weren't around and I cried.
Day 48. I stopped stalking your social media.
Day 49. I lost a friend.
Day 50. I think I'm going to be okay.

Day 1. I was in complete denial, but I thought about dying.
Day 2. I cleaned my room and it didn't make me feel any better.
Day 3. I cried so ******* the phone with my dad. And it was his birthday.
Day 4. I knew you replaced me.
Day 5. I started thinking about other people.
Day 6. I went out by myself for the first time in my entire life.
Day 7. You asked me out, and I was terrified you were going to leave me again.
Day 8. I heard a song that made me think of you.
Day 9. I saw you at our bar, and it ruined my night.
Day 10. I went home and snuggled with my mom, and she told me that I'm not allowed to say your name anymore.
Day 11. I stayed up for over 24 hours because I didn't want to see you in my dreams.
Day 12. I spent the night with a man who makes me feel like a queen.
Day 13. I watched a black and white movie and the main character looked like you and I didn't cry.
Day 14. I didn't check your facebook.
Day 15. A man gave me $300 just to spend the night with him after we drank scotch.
Day 16. My anger has turned to nothing. I feel nothing about you.
Day 17. I saw you on the street and slowed my stride so I wouldn't cross paths with you.
Day 18. I'm okay. And you're horrible. But I wish you the best.
Day 19. I hate you. What is Valentine's Day without you?
Day 20. I miss you. But I never want to be with you again.
Day 21. Who will I watch Game of Thrones with?
Day 22. The man I've been seeing is so much better at *** than you.
Day 23. I'm so bitter that you replaced me.
Day 24. I can't listen to Alt-J anymore because it makes me cry over you.
Day 25. I wish you would've just stayed and came to Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Day 26. You're welcome for buying you "Life is Strange".
Day 27. It makes me so sad that I won't be able to quote South Park with you anymore.
Day 28. I love you, but I hate you.
Day 29. I fed you popcorn when we saw Star Wars and it felt like we were back together.
Day 30. You've made me feel grief more than any family member has passed.

Where did you go?
I see the sun set.
I can actually see it go down.
The world gets darker.

So many bottles of champagne surround me.
I celebrate nothing.
I lose entire days.
But men that look apocalyptic fill me up
Until I put my ***** clothes back on
And trample back to my den.
Worn, apologetic, and wishing it would all pass.

Glittered nails and crooked teeth.
I think back on my past relationship and laugh.
Who was I?
Who was he?
I can't even remember anymore.
And that's a good thing.

I just want on vacation.
A long week in Florida.
Sun.
Oranges.
Kitsch.

I've said it about every ex
I'll say it again.

We're going to be okay.
It may take time.
But one day we will talk.
We will laugh.
And we will smile.
I wish you all the best.
And I know
Deep down
You do too.

i only know you from photographs now
i torture myself by still following your life
after tonight
i will not
there are so many new songs
so many new jokes
so many new places i've danced around
without you.
i am starting to love me more.
and i was told that you're jealous.
be jealous.
you pushed me away.
and i'm pushing up.
and that includes my *******.
you have no right to be mad.
so I hope you're happy.
**** my beautiful, magical *****.
you poor thing.

the faint metallic taste in the back of my throat woke me up
i'm frightened of my own blood
my face matches her's
my eyes match his
mom
dad
i'm so afraid

Always lazering in on body language
two and a half full years of casually impersonal hand touches
give, take
give, take
immaturity rises when i lose sight of the present and you ask stupid questions
let's just forget the past, present, and future
but please don't do

out of nowhere i see an icon i only thought existed in my prolonged dreams

go-go boots, striding down streets that are immortalized in 1980's plays

almost every song that comes on my hand-held robot croons like something from "**** Bill" - operatic, righteous, and honest

sights of beginnings and new beginnings on a small screen

the air between my mattress and the wall rumbles as we grow together again

I.
leather skin
tattoos from youth that are laughable
as messy as a room gets every month
succumbing and cleaning up a mid-life crisis
a broken wind-up soldier
folsom prison's bar ‘s open every time the sheets get too cold
two year expiration date
grease
red wine at a dive bar

II.
never completely remember anything except touch
whiskey clouded brains and side-ways smiles
tongue-slinger
serpent waiting to strike
retracting and falling backwards far
slithering in during the AM
charming underneath the stairs
monotony
unwanted terms of endearment
the tea kettle will always whistle when the water gets too hot

III.
spells and red lights flicker at late hours on unseasonably warm nights
sweat and dragons both thrive from heat
smoke, from mouths and cigarettes
shakespearean scenes that melt to fingers grazing lips so effortlessly
this was all coming in due time after too many moments
spent on washing machines in an ancient haunt
falling into fictional identities when we come together
doe eyes
tears fell from poetic words spit so harshly on delicate air
a temporary home and an eternal momentary escape

I hear this song and I think of you
How did everything go so rotten, so fast
Me.
It was me.
I can't think of anything poetic to say.
So I'll just say I'm sorry for being a bother.

i wait
nothing
i wait some more
nothing
absolutely nothing

why is my heart so full over vacancy?

i see your eyes, your lips, your teeth, and dimples.
you used to recognize the same in me.

where did you go?
when did you stop caring?
at what time did you start to see me in transparency?

blaming me for your strife, yet you're the one to throw toxic eyes

i'm starting to think this is all becoming a lesson i'm going to later look back on and go "Huh. I really grew from that misery."

i never wanted to equate you to agony but you've given me very little to grab on to without feeling like a guilty, "helpless" girl who "needs to be taken care of."

fog
i inch near you
pale skin covered in goosebumps
and i'm shaking

almost 6 cycles of the moon
and you still make my knees quake

who are you?
release your fears

sometimes i feel like a serpent
charming your eyes with my curves
moving so slowly
until i strike

sometimes i'm frightened
like a lost fox cub in the forest
wandering around in agony
searching for my leader

but i'm told
i'm too old
to be relying on childish fantasies

sometimes it feels like it's not getting cold fast enough
other times i'm terrified of being shut in away from frigid air
god
i hope this year is different
with less days spent entirely in bed
forcing myself to sleep on mascara stained pillows
oh
how belittling it was
wasting away on a beer stained matress
i'm completely transparent to my house mate
you tried not to look at me because he knows it will make him crumble
where did the time ago?
it feels like i've been stuck on a swing set for 365 days without stopping

I felt you in my bones
Strolling home
An instant of nostalgia and euphoria
I saw the Galaxy in your spine
The seasons are changing
Your cold gaze feels like autumn wind
Golden warmth of limbs draping
Smoke and tahini
We've lost ourselves
It's a good thing.

I like to think about you ironically now
how you wish your name would be whispered on a humid summer night
Your vocabulary no longer exists on my tongue
You've become so foreign that you feel like an out-dated movie

I keep my thoughts enclosed in my mahogany box brain and heart

I don't want to be alone but I can't be myself
My drink and a song are the only ones I can depend on

Late nights
Solo
You're sleeping
Probably snoring

I'm doing my best
Two weeks flown by
Cemeteries centered
Mind muffled and modified

Have I returned or missed my stop?

I take the shortest path imaginable to be among stars lining meticulously staked kiosks

beaming like the sun's gentle rays at dawn in autumn

mid-slumber, we float
skin colliding and causing ripples like pebbles in a stream

the noise he makes at 3 AM send a shock through my tattered and fragile skeleton

stopping short below my waist
where i start questioning my beauty because society hates an un-perfect anatomy
somehow that's your favorite place

early spring morning eyes that could sedate the wildest stallion

lips and teeth
so familiar

for minutes we've sat in silence with our limbs tangled

I've been waiting so long

the separate paths we crossed are conjoined at fingertips and hips

walk with me until the sun is barely peaking out

we're spilling out like whiskey on a hardwood floor

how are we still so full?

i've been watching you sleep
when the manifestos and proclamations of week days have become too heavy
slithering through me
i dream so much more beautiful
a block and half away from my own haven
streaks of red lipstick on my right hand
lullabies of your sleep talk