If you asked me what my favorite color was, I probably couldn't tell you
But what I would tell you is I am a combination of gleam and gloom
Bumblebee color! And I've earned my luminous yellow and wretched black stripes
Meaning when I bleed, these colors reveal and they smack against the pavement like bang snaps
That is they ignite a spark gold as honey but the color is placebo
For instance, the direct Spanish to English translation of my last name is castle, but I do not feel like a king; In fact, I haven't since my thoughts held me captive in my own kingdom, put me in check mate as if it were a game of chess then proceeded to dethrone me
I like to try and convince myself that I'm one with nature’s convection but the reality is I'm experiencing hazy views from under in the fog rather than the suns bliss in the clouds
Sometimes I may appear to be oozing with confidence. That is unless I can see myself falling in love with you. See the mirror shows reflections of another, the mirror shows reflections of the boy who could barely speak to his own sweetheart because his voice was an old man walking with a stutter and her hand slipped away, she was gripping on butterflies danced in my stomach as I gazed into her pneuma
I'm an artist. But not in the traditional sense. I don't use a paintbrush or a physical canvas, my mind is the paintbrush and the canvas. I like to paint pictures in Ricky's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad brain of myself in a world where I don't have to write about Ricky's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad brain. If I move to Australia my brain will come with me
I often find myself sharing smiles and laughter with my acquaintances but I've noticed that when they
part, there’s always one acquaintance that does not
That acquaintance is anxiety
Anxiety never leaves me in fact it's my number one friend because anxiety knows how to keep it real
Anxiety is always there to remind me that again, the gleam is placebo
Anxiety reminds me that although I have these elegant, gorgeous, sheltering feathers on my back I'm not sure if I can call them wings because when no one was there I took myself under them but the weight was too much to bear. I cannot fly.
Anxiety grabs me by my arm and chest and like weights, drags me along wherever Anxiety feels like going, which is often nowhere
See the glass may seem clean on the surface but a few things I've learned about myself have made me see that the glass is stained by the kiss of desolation. I look into it and see a shadow of myself because
I wear my heart on my fingertips, my mind on the pistol grip, and my spirit on my shoes cause my psyche is a sunken ship
A 5 step tutorial on how to find out what it feels like to live in these shoes
1) Bring me a glass bottle. I'll bleed into it
2) Throw it against the pavement with as much force as you can so that it shatters into thousands of pieces of broken vows
3) With your dominant foot step, no STOMP on it like it's the only way to feel the vibrance travel through your bloodstream
4) Realize the gleam is placebo but the gloom is very real
5) Pretend everything is okay as it penetrates your sole