I knew life was more than my love for you.

I just got lost in the idea that I'd suffocate without you by my side.
But I knew that with time and space, the sun would come out
and I’d remember how to breathe again.
But I guess, I never anticipated this bittersweet feeling
that arises when my mind wonders back to you.
You’re getting married this weekend,
which I’ll admit still surprises me after everything.
But I’m not shocked, nor am I angry anymore.
I’m not as broken as I thought I was.

And through this time, I learned that you didn’t break me.
But rather that, I broke myself trying fix you.
This was unfair to me, but it was also unjust to you.
Fragments of my soul were never meant
to substitute your missing pieces.
So, although there are lot of things between us,
that I guess always will be there,
I want you to know that I’m sorry, and that
I truly want you to be happy.
I’m not done growing from this and I won’t be for a long time
But I’m done letting this define me.

Because life is more than my love for you

When you told me you didn’t love me anymore,
I still had your bites of passions on my chest.
The imprints of your fingers grasp were still on my thighs.
And warmth of your soul was still embracing my heart.
It’s funny how with few words,
your marks of lust can turn to bruises of disgust.
The body that once had signs of our connection,
now shows spots of my shame.

I hate the way you've made me think about myself.
I'm disgusted with my own dependence on you.
I resent that I feel like I can't breathe without you.

You've destroyed what I believed love is supposed to mean.
You're soiled my dreams of falling for my best friend.
You continuously shred my heart with your whiplash tenderness.

I'm confused by you.
Is your attention lust or infatuation?
You and I can't seem to be apart.
No matter how many times I tell you it hurts to be together.

You've made me ashamed to show my face around.
Your touch has turned my skin *****, it can't be physically cleaned.
When your name appears on my phone, I feel like throwing it and running the other way.

I wish I could take everything back.
Every stolen moment together, every private joke, every discrete dinner.
I want you to know that I want this to be over.

Your people can’t be trusted anymore.
They speak lies through split tongues,
Claiming they want what’s best for each of us,
While handing us matches to start the war.
Your people were never really mine,
They never gave me the allegiance they gave you.
But they faked a loyalty that was continuously shattered
until I finally said enough.
These people aren’t my people.
My people will come when the time is right.
When I take the next step and chose to walk away from my sword.
My people will take care of me and I them
My people will help me forget the pain yours have caused.
And, my people will never betray me the way you have

It's taken me 1 year, 10 months, and 20 days
to realize that you will never love me,
the way I have always loved you.

You can have the town,
I’ll call the mayor and get you the deed.
You can have the have the roads,
I’ll arrange for the potholes to be filled.
You can keep the job,
I never intended to stay that long.
You can keep the friends,
I can make more.
You can keep my records,
I can find more music.
You can have my watch,
I won’t miss the time.
You can take my shoes,
To have one last stomp on my heart.
You can keep the jokes,
I don’t laugh at them anymore.
You can have my jacket,
So something can keep you warm.
You can stay with her,
I can promise, it’s no longer a concern of mine.
And in return?

You can let me go.

Stop coming into my life if you have no intention of staying.
I’ve ended us so many times,
But you push us back together.
No matter how many times I tell you,
Enough is enough.
Enough isn’t good enough for you.

Sneaking around was never part of a friendship that I wanted.
Lying about where I go, was never something I signed up for.
Being the other woman, was never in the description.
But being my friend isn’t all you want.
But yet you have no desire to be more than that.

You can’t keep coming in and rearranging my house,
Especially when I’m still putting it back after the last time you left.
I want you to visit, I’ve wished for you to stay.
But you can’t keep pushing in with no intention of paying rent.
Either sign a lease with me or keep your apartment.
Because soon, you will lose any place you ever had in mine.

One day you'll wake up from the scream of your alarm clock.
You'll rise, despising every minute of it as you dress and brush your teeth.
You'll kiss her goodbye and head out for the 30 minute commute to a job you hate.
You'll sit at your desk, watching the clock while your boss breathes down your neck about numbers for an annual report.
Five o'clock will hit and you'll sigh because the drive back is always a *****.
You'll come home to her waiting for you, tell the kids to listen to their mother.
Dinner is meatloaf, her parents want to come visit next month.
You can't watch the game because The Voice is still on and, you promised the kids you'd let them play video games for half an hour before bed.
By the time ten rolls around and you've finally gotten to see the last inning of the game, you'll be called to bed because she's got an early morning and doesn't want to wait for you.
It's Wednesday so you have mediocre *** and when you finish, you still feel incomplete.
She'll clean up and come back to bed, only to fall asleep within minutes.
You'll stare at the ceiling.
You'll wonder why you felt off today as you drift off into sleep.

But you'll wake up at 2am.

You'll jolt into consciousness and know why today just wasn't right.
You'll still know the touch of my face, the warmth of my arms, and the heat in my glare.
You'll know I was the one that got away.
And I swear, you will regret it.

Accept.
Own what happened.
Nothing happened without purpose.
Every action you thought about with exceptional care.

Accept.
Someone got hurt and it was your fault.
Understand that what happened,
may have been best for you but not for them.

Accept.
That you can't change the past.
That you may mourn your choice.
That you may feel guilty.
That you will wish that they felt okay.

Accept.
That its okay for you to move on

Accept the truth.

T** The way he makes me laugh and howl till my stomach aches and my face is red.
H He took me to my favorite museum on my birthday.
E Every time we’re together, the energy is so alive I swear you can see the electrons flying between us.
P Perhaps one day we’ll finally save enough money to go on that camping trip we always talk about.
H He got promoted so we bought the expensive wine that night, our regular box brand is tastes better.
O Outside it rained and we made dinner together, laughing about the past and my day at work.
T Today when he came home he wouldn’t talk to me.
O Our days have stretched into a 24 hour year, maybe a guy’s night will help.
G Getting used to this new routine of not saying goodbye when he leaves helps him I guess.
R “Rebecca,” he said in his sleep last night when I grabbed more of the blanket.
A Alison, my mom thought it was a good name, but I’ve always hated it.
P Partly cloudy with a chance of dinner plans being cancelled again.
H “How long have I been blind?” I asked the optometrist

Young one,
don't run with me
Young child,
don't play adult games
Young boy,
don't talking with a stranger
Young man,
don't touch this fire

Fire always burns

You know I know.
does she know?
I see that look you give me.
does she know?
The jokes that you make,
does she know?
How close you stand to me.
does she know?

I wish you'd stop
She doesn't know.
You keep pushing me into a bad position
She doesn't know.
I cant stop both of us forever
She doesn't know.
Do you know what your doing?
She doesn't know.

Does she know?
She doesn't know.

Babe your fine,
But that’s not what my broken veins say
Love, it really was nothing, stop overreacting
But that’s not what my broken veins say
Sweets, I don’t know her
But that’s not what my broken veins say
You know I’m the only one for you
But that’s not what my broken veins say
Couples are teams, and teams have no secrets
But that’s not what my broken veins say
I need you to do this, or we wont work
But that’s not what my broken veins say
You’ve caused this.
But that’s not what my broken veins say
It’s your fault it happened like this
But that’s not what my broken veins say
I didn’t hurt you, you did this to yourself
But that’s not what my broken veins say
But because I love you, I’ll look past it
But that’s not what my broken heart says.

I have never wanted to run so far.
Never wanted to run so fast.
From someone who abuses me.
And fires at full blast.

I wonder if I'll always be broken.
Do I want to be fixed?
Whats the point in trying anymore?
If I'll only end up in a ditch.

I've wished for Illness
I've wished for pain.
I've longed for stillness
Doesn’t  matter, its your gain.

But I can promise you this
For once hear me its true
When I get out of here to bliss
No matter what, I always hate you.

No one makes me want to starve more than you.
No one makes me want to bleed more than you.
No one makes me want to cry more than you.
No one makes me want to die more than you.

Where was the love that a child is promised?
Where was the hope that was lost?
Why was there hate from the beginning?
Why I am I to pay the cost?

Why does my presence upset you?
Why wont you give me a chance?
Young things make mistakes
and you never gave me a chance to learn

I miss your arms, your hands, your legs and your hair.
Your eyes, your heart and the smile you bare.
But its not up to us anymore, our fate was long ago made.
You and I walked away, but we never did fade.
You always felt like home the way you carried me in.
But I never knew that to be home alone was a real sin.
You hurt me, and I hurt you but
I promise its what I wish I could undo.
The way you loved me and the way you cared
was simply a cross I wasn’t made to bare.
And I’ll always remember you like a star above
but that fire we had maybe wasn’t a real love.
But don’t tell me we weren’t true, because I know I knew you.